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being the last to know how you feel...and advice!
Former Member
Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
Hi all,
I'm going to attempt to stop this sounding like an emotional ramble, but sorry if it goes that way...
I'm normally the first to know how I feel about a bloke, and I tend to be pretty quick at picking up signals from them as well. Seem to have lost the knack though. Here's an attempt to simplify a complicated-ish situation: I split up with my boyfriend (who I was madly in love with) when I went to university last October, just because I wanted to throw my 100% into university. I've never had any doubts that it was the right decision and we're now good friends again, though I do feel it's only over the last two months or so that I've really got over him. So...over Christmas I started to have more feelings for this one guy I'd been seeing, and though I knew it wasn't anything like love, he wasn't the right guy to be in a relationship with, so I figured I needed some distraction. This bit's about to sound dense - sorry! - but I decided to try to develop a relationship with one of the guys on the edge of one of my friendship groups, which was going pretty well throughout term. We weren't actually bf/gf, but it was pretty obviously just a matter of time. I know that sounds really callous of me, but I did like him, I'm not a total bitch! Obviously I shared with my other friends and unanimously they all informed me it was palpably obvious that I had much stronger feelings for one of my really close friends.
For a few weeks I massively denied it, and I wasn't lieing - it just didn't enter my head. There were a few things that made me think...hang on...maybe there's something on his part, but on mine...no. Despite the fact I was discouraging him at every turn from seeing anyone else, with lines like "if you get with anyone this close to the end of term, they'll see it as just a casual thing" and whatnot. Similarly he kept telling me that the other bloke wasn't my type at all...etc. But it was only the penultimate day of term when the penny finally dropped...we went clubbing with a couple of other friends of mine who hadn't met him, and they both seperately dragged me to one side and told me it was palpably obvious we were mad about each other. He and I went back to my room afterwards and it sort of finally clicked in my head...we were sitting there and he just put an arm around me and took my hand...and I thought "bloody hell, I actually am crazy about you".
Talk about the last to know! Is it just me who's done something like this? I feel really thick! For those last two days of term we basically didn't leave each other and didn't sleep, just stayed up talking snuggled together. Nothing happened at all that COULDN'T have been friendly, but let's just say I don't normally behave like that with my friends. He left a day earlier than me and it hurt physically to leave him - I forgot how painful this can be! Since then we've talked every day (we didn't at all last hols) but he's told me that he got really drunk and pulled a girl out clubbing and it hurts like hell and obviously makes me wonder whether he was just being friendly after all
I kinda wish I hadn't realised how much I liked him until next term, then at least I could have a peaceful holiday!
Jeeez I'm so sorry for the long rambling post. I'd really appreciate any other opinions...how did I manage to ignore how I felt for soooo long? And what should I do, considering he's one of my best friends? I said to my other friends that I wouldn't risk our friendship until it was irresistable, but it kinda feels like that now....
I'm going to attempt to stop this sounding like an emotional ramble, but sorry if it goes that way...
I'm normally the first to know how I feel about a bloke, and I tend to be pretty quick at picking up signals from them as well. Seem to have lost the knack though. Here's an attempt to simplify a complicated-ish situation: I split up with my boyfriend (who I was madly in love with) when I went to university last October, just because I wanted to throw my 100% into university. I've never had any doubts that it was the right decision and we're now good friends again, though I do feel it's only over the last two months or so that I've really got over him. So...over Christmas I started to have more feelings for this one guy I'd been seeing, and though I knew it wasn't anything like love, he wasn't the right guy to be in a relationship with, so I figured I needed some distraction. This bit's about to sound dense - sorry! - but I decided to try to develop a relationship with one of the guys on the edge of one of my friendship groups, which was going pretty well throughout term. We weren't actually bf/gf, but it was pretty obviously just a matter of time. I know that sounds really callous of me, but I did like him, I'm not a total bitch! Obviously I shared with my other friends and unanimously they all informed me it was palpably obvious that I had much stronger feelings for one of my really close friends.
For a few weeks I massively denied it, and I wasn't lieing - it just didn't enter my head. There were a few things that made me think...hang on...maybe there's something on his part, but on mine...no. Despite the fact I was discouraging him at every turn from seeing anyone else, with lines like "if you get with anyone this close to the end of term, they'll see it as just a casual thing" and whatnot. Similarly he kept telling me that the other bloke wasn't my type at all...etc. But it was only the penultimate day of term when the penny finally dropped...we went clubbing with a couple of other friends of mine who hadn't met him, and they both seperately dragged me to one side and told me it was palpably obvious we were mad about each other. He and I went back to my room afterwards and it sort of finally clicked in my head...we were sitting there and he just put an arm around me and took my hand...and I thought "bloody hell, I actually am crazy about you".
Talk about the last to know! Is it just me who's done something like this? I feel really thick! For those last two days of term we basically didn't leave each other and didn't sleep, just stayed up talking snuggled together. Nothing happened at all that COULDN'T have been friendly, but let's just say I don't normally behave like that with my friends. He left a day earlier than me and it hurt physically to leave him - I forgot how painful this can be! Since then we've talked every day (we didn't at all last hols) but he's told me that he got really drunk and pulled a girl out clubbing and it hurts like hell and obviously makes me wonder whether he was just being friendly after all
I kinda wish I hadn't realised how much I liked him until next term, then at least I could have a peaceful holiday!Jeeez I'm so sorry for the long rambling post. I'd really appreciate any other opinions...how did I manage to ignore how I felt for soooo long? And what should I do, considering he's one of my best friends? I said to my other friends that I wouldn't risk our friendship until it was irresistable, but it kinda feels like that now....
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Comments
I think sometimes, subconsciously, we block out what we really feel because we are afraid of becoming vulnerable to our feelings and to another person. In this case it was doubly hard to admit to yourself how you felt because he's one of your best mates - and once you have crossed the line with someone from friendship into more than friends it can often be hard to go back to the friendship unscathed if it doesn't work out. I reckon that's what was holding you back from realising what you were feeling. You're not strange - it's a natural thing. With my boyfriend I was friends with him for about a year before we got together (he had a girlfriend for some of that time so I didn't even think of him in that way apart from thinking he was fit) - it took him getting mugged/beaten up for me to suddenly realise how much I cared about him. I got a massive wake-up call and couldn't believe how much I'd managed to start liking him without even realising!
Anyway, as to what you do now, I'm not too sure - I would advise staying in contact with him while you're both away from uni and maybe suggesting you guys get together when you're back? Maybe find something you're both interested in - a gig, or a film, or some kind of activity - and ask if he fancies going with you to it? Once you have some time with him just the two of you it'll hopefully become more obvious how he feels and you can take it from there. From what you've said though it does sound like he feels the same (I wouldn't place too much significance on him pulling someone else, he may be just as confused as you are and dealing with it in a different way - or perhaps, again subconsciously, he's testing the water to see how you react to him being with someone else so he can reassure himself you do care about him?) - give it a go! Good luck.
I don't think Stupidgirl is correctly named as she gives very good advice.
Try to enjoy the present without worring about the future so much.
i guess i analyse too much