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Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
i'm not too sure what to really do about some of this.

i love Daryl like i've never loved anyone else, i feel really good to be around him and i really want to spend as long as i've got with him.

But, there are a few things which are really getting me down. We can't have sex at his when the kids (his younger brothers 11 & 14) are in or awake. which means we aren't getting much atm, as he's now working from 7-4 doing air duct fitting, and is very tired when he comes back and i'm really not in the mood at 5.30 am. secondly he seems to think that i want to control the majority of his life. i made the mistake of telling him that i can be a bit of a control freak, when we first got together. But he uses this all the time and it really gets me down. Hes telling me on a daily basis that i need to stop being an attention seeker, and i need to stop trying to control him. He plays the playstation a lot, and not 2 player games, which mean that i either have to sit there and watch or find something else to do. And at there isn't a lot more than TV, Playstation, and such stuff to do at his place. and he does play a lot. I try and motivate him to do stuff, and he tells me i'm controlling. He rarely does house work, or cooks, and all of this is getting me down.

I feel like when i talk to him i'm getting nowhere because he always turns the convo around to make me in the blame. I love him very much and don't want us to break up but i don't know what to. Help!

Comments

  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I don't mean to be harsh here, but can you honestly see this working as a marriage?
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    i am now starting to wonder...there are people that i do still really like but i no it would never really happen with as they are either the other end of the country or they don't seem interested any more.

    i am worried.

    i want this work so badly. if it doesn't i think i'm going to just break into little pieces.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    He can't just keep using the same weird defence all the time. It isn't fair. I don't want to seem patronising but when you do talk have you tried wording it so that it feels like you aren't blaming him? Cuz his natural reaction is going to probably shift the blame onto you. Try keep calm and neutral and just say you want to spend more time with him. Don't even mention his PS or anything. He can't call you 'controlling' for wanting to spend more time with him. Do you have stuff you like to do together? He may work a lot but I guess just putting some time into the moments you do have. Like both go grabunch together or something when you both are on breaks? I guess just little things. I hope things work out and he stops using the controlling insult against you. I wouldn't take it to heart. I think blokes just get defensive around their gaming stuff ;)
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    You have plenty of time to find the right person TT, but from what you've posted on here it just seems like you are really unhappy with him and he sounds very selfish imo. I think you're placing a lot on this, and pressure on yourself to make it work, but if it's this much hard work straight away then it doesn't really bode well for the long term. If you have doubts, it's best to sort them pronto rather than going through with something that you know is going to be a mistake.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    i need to sit down and find out where things really are at.

    I'll be honest, i'm scared of being alone, and things that people have said in the past are really haunting me.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I think .... I think that you need to deal with the issue of fear of being alone, rather than hoping that marrying this guy will fix that, because it probably won't and you'll just be unhappy, and getting ever more scared of being alone etc.

    Finding out where things are is a good idea.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I know how you feel.

    I'm in a very similar-sounding relationship. Four years down the line, and an engagement, and things still haven't changed for the better.

    I think you should really think about what's right for you. Do you think he would change? Do the good times outweigh the bad? I agree with what clementine said about making time to do little things, even just grabbing a coffee out or something, as I've found that's helped recently with my relationship. When you or your OH, or both, work loads it's all about quality time rather than quantity of time.

    I know how hard it is to contemplate being on your own, I'm thinking about that at the moment, but you have to wonder whether it's better to put up with rubbish or better to be on your own for a little while.

    I don't want to put a downer on the whole thing, but as (from other posts) you're thinking about marriage, I would definitely sit down and have a think about things.

    Sorry if I've been a bit negative about the whole thing, and I know every relationship is different, but I wouldn't want someone else to be in the position I'm in at the moment.

    Hope you feel better about things soon.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I'll be honest, i'm scared of being alone, and things that people have said in the past are really haunting me.

    Being scared of being alone whilst your still a teenager and have your whole life ahead of you and years more of working out who you are and growing up - isn't really a good enough reason to stay with someone who isn't perfect for you and who at this early stage in the relationship is already showing signs it won't work.

    Sorry - thats a little bit mean but i think in your heart of hearts you know its true....
  • TashJTashJ ********* Posts: 79
    Hi there twisted_trinity,

    Looks like you're dealing with some pretty strong mixed feelings at the moment, which probably isn't too uncommon in couples who've recently become engaged. It's a really exciting time, but it's also a time of reflecting on the relationship, and thinking about how it will last in the long term.

    It's probably fair to say that every relationship goes through dips, through periods where there's less sex, and where you just get on each other's nerves. What's important in a long-term relationship is coming through those dips with the relationship intact.

    Daryl obviously means a huge deal to you, and it sounds like you're keen to work out the issues. Sometimes a heart-to-heart conversation, in a neutral area like a park or cafe, can make a difference (it's best not to try and have the conversation when he's playing a game or tired from work). To avoid coming across as controlling, it's also worth asking him for his solutions to the problems you're facing around when you can have sex, and spending time together. You might not end up with a perfect solution, but perhaps you can find something you can live with.

    If you are both serious enough about the relationship to consider marriage, perhaps you might also want to consider some form of pre-marriage relationship counselling. For some people, it can be a way of working through issues that have been a problem for a while, or those which you think might become an issue later on. Your marriage celebrant may be able to recommend a course or otherwise you could contact Relate (an organisation which offers low-cost counselling face-to-face or by phone/email).

    If you are unable to negotiate a solution then, as others have suggested, you might need to have a hard think about the future of the relationship. It's never easy to deal with a break up, and there would be times when you feel sad and alone, but if his behaviour is going to continue to make you unhappy, then it's something you may want to consider.

    There's probably no easy answers here, but hopefully the advice on this thread helps a little. Take care.

    Tash
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    TashJ wrote: »
    Hi there twisted_trinity,

    Looks like you're dealing with some pretty strong mixed feelings at the moment, which probably isn't too uncommon in couples who've recently become engaged. It's a really exciting time, but it's also a time of reflecting on the relationship, and thinking about how it will last in the long term.

    It's probably fair to say that every relationship goes through dips, through periods where there's less sex, and where you just get on each other's nerves. What's important in a long-term relationship is coming through those dips with the relationship intact.

    Daryl obviously means a huge deal to you, and it sounds like you're keen to work out the issues. Sometimes a heart-to-heart conversation, in a neutral area like a park or cafe, can make a difference (it's best not to try and have the conversation when he's playing a game or tired from work). To avoid coming across as controlling, it's also worth asking him for his solutions to the problems you're facing around when you can have sex, and spending time together. You might not end up with a perfect solution, but perhaps you can find something you can live with.

    If you are both serious enough about the relationship to consider marriage, perhaps you might also want to consider some form of pre-marriage relationship counselling. For some people, it can be a way of working through issues that have been a problem for a while, or those which you think might become an issue later on. Your marriage celebrant may be able to recommend a course or otherwise you could contact Relate (an organisation which offers low-cost counselling face-to-face or by phone/email).

    If you are unable to negotiate a solution then, as others have suggested, you might need to have a hard think about the future of the relationship. It's never easy to deal with a break up, and there would be times when you feel sad and alone, but if his behaviour is going to continue to make you unhappy, then it's something you may want to consider.

    There's probably no easy answers here, but hopefully the advice on this thread helps a little. Take care.

    Tash

    To be honest, it sounds like he means a great deal to her, but not the other way around.
  • TashJTashJ ********* Posts: 79
    g_angel wrote: »
    To be honest, it sounds like he means a great deal to her, but not the other way around.

    Fair point - and relationships are a two way thing. Unfortunately, it'll have to be his choice to change his behaviour as it's very hard to 'force' someone to do something for any length of time. If he decides to work on the relationship, that's great; if not, then I guess the decision is with twisted_trinity as to where to go from there...
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    TashJ wrote: »
    Fair point - and relationships are a two way thing. Unfortunately, it'll have to be his choice to change his behaviour as it's very hard to 'force' someone to do something for any length of time. If he decides to work on the relationship, that's great; if not, then I guess the decision is with twisted_trinity as to where to go from there...

    Unfortunately, from previous threads started by TT, it seems like he chooses to make excuses or attempt to place the blame on her/something else for just about anything/everything.

    My advice is to cut loose as I don't see this going anywhere long term. It was a very rushed engagement to start with, and almost every recent thread about this relationship is a negative one.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    just to point out g_angel, i do seem to use thesite as my rant page and, i'm also really good at pointing out the bad things and not the good things.

    We sat down and had a really long talk about where things are going. We both admitted that there were things that are seriously not right, but there are also some really positive things. i think my biggest problem is that i have a huge problem with opening up to the ones that i love, thats what caused the breakdown of my last relationship, and what caused me and my mother to not speak to each other for 6 months. He's promised to pay a bit more attention and not take me for granted, and I've promised to talk and listen a little bit more.

    and as for the sex...well, being at his is only a temporary measure, so things should change soon. and its about quality not quantity anyway isnt it? :p

    things are much better. sorry i needed to let go of everything i'd been holding on to and not talking about and i think that it does nothing for either of us

    thanks for the advice
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    just to point out g_angel, i do seem to use thesite as my rant page and, i'm also really good at pointing out the bad things and not the good things.

    We sat down and had a really long talk about where things are going. We both admitted that there were things that are seriously not right, but there are also some really positive things. i think my biggest problem is that i have a huge problem with opening up to the ones that i love, thats what caused the breakdown of my last relationship, and what caused me and my mother to not speak to each other for 6 months. He's promised to pay a bit more attention and not take me for granted, and I've promised to talk and listen a little bit more.

    and as for the sex...well, being at his is only a temporary measure, so things should change soon. and its about quality not quantity anyway isnt it? :p

    things are much better. sorry i needed to let go of everything i'd been holding on to and not talking about and i think that it does nothing for either of us

    thanks for the advice


    Fair enough - but you see, there are a lot of negative rants for a fairly new relationship, if you see my point?

    I hope things improve.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    i hope talking about it helps.

    Dont forget though that its ok to just love each other and be together without making it permanent -ie marriage, that way theres less pressure for a start, easier to get out if things do go really bad (i know that sounds horrid but its true) and also, marriage does not keep people together. it just makes it much more horrible if it does go wrong.

    I think it sounds like there are good things in the relationship and there is love there, but it does sound like hes being mean to you too by the things hes saying, and the more hes doing that, the harder you will feel like clutching on, which can feel a bit like love even if it isnt. Im not saying thats definitely the case, but i hope it all works out.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    we aren't actually getting married for 3 years, at least, though we are getting unofficialy and un-legally handfasted.

    its really starting to hit home how important it is to just talk. Even if its about silly things like our favourite types of cheese or childhood games we used to play. I seem to always either be moaning about how things are going for me (college, uni, moving, health, ect), or having a serious convo about politics. I need to stop taking everything in life so seriously.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru

    its really starting to hit home how important it is to just talk. Even if its about silly things like our favourite types of cheese or childhood games we used to play. I seem to always either be moaning about how things are going for me (college, uni, moving, health, ect), or having a serious convo about politics. I need to stop taking everything in life so seriously.

    :yes:
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    we aren't actually getting married for 3 years, at least, though we are getting unofficialy and un-legally handfasted.

    its really starting to hit home how important it is to just talk. Even if its about silly things like our favourite types of cheese or childhood games we used to play. I seem to always either be moaning about how things are going for me (college, uni, moving, health, ect), or having a serious convo about politics. I need to stop taking everything in life so seriously.

    :yes:
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