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Parents and partners
Former Member
Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
Hi,
Basically I'm 19 and my girlfriend is currently 16 (although she turns 17 in about a month). We've been going out for 3 years or so now and things are going very well. It's always been platonic until she was 16 (because I respect her above everything else) and we were both virgins until mutual decision to have sex within the last few weeks.
anyway, I've stayed in her bed at her mum's which was fine, I haev stayed at her dad's but in separate rooms, which i don't mind. however, we'd both really like to sleep at mine. The problem is it's MY parents who worry about the ages gap (even though she is well above the age of consent) and have strictly told me we cannot unless her dad knows. now the problem is we don't know how to broach this with either my dad or her parents. we never really had to with her mum, just asked if it was ok without going into details.
anyhow i know where my parents are coming from but i think it will always be a problem. ever since i was a kid my parents have always had an immaculate house (i mean raelly really clean) and i've never been allowed to have anyone stay over (from school) and I even thought sleepovers were daft because i never had the freedom to experience this.
Recently i've noticed that the house is treated almost like a museum and my childhood was so dissimilar to a "normal" way of life; no one has used the lounge in 3 years because it was re-decorated. this has something to do with not having other ppl sleep over because only my parents know how to keep the house clean! we've never even had relatives stay over.
ii've also started arguing with my parents over petty things that i do or don't do. e.g. this morning my dad claimed i had left the kitchen looking like a "bombsite" literally because i left 1 (rinsed) mug on the draining board. that is a tad hypocritical no? if i vacuumm own room my mum will come and do it after me because no one else can do it properly or i am told i should go out more or if i go out i should be studying.
I try to respect their rules because it is good of them to keep me on after 18 and saving me money while i do my degree. I am going to move out as soon as I have finished that latter as I am unable to do so due to money troubles at the mo. I am saving up though.
SO back to the main point. my parents claim my gf can't stay because of her parents (who are actually pretty acceptant) but I know the underlying reason is that they don't want her to stay is the same that no one else's standards are good enough. they never have friends round here either in case someone spills something.
sorry this has become such a rant. just i feel selfish staying at my girlfriend's all the time and being unable to return the favour. I know i should move out but atm that's not possible and I don't think i'm being too unreasonable to ask for my gf to stay over...
Thanks for reading. any advice would be much appreciated.
Peace x
Basically I'm 19 and my girlfriend is currently 16 (although she turns 17 in about a month). We've been going out for 3 years or so now and things are going very well. It's always been platonic until she was 16 (because I respect her above everything else) and we were both virgins until mutual decision to have sex within the last few weeks.
anyway, I've stayed in her bed at her mum's which was fine, I haev stayed at her dad's but in separate rooms, which i don't mind. however, we'd both really like to sleep at mine. The problem is it's MY parents who worry about the ages gap (even though she is well above the age of consent) and have strictly told me we cannot unless her dad knows. now the problem is we don't know how to broach this with either my dad or her parents. we never really had to with her mum, just asked if it was ok without going into details.
anyhow i know where my parents are coming from but i think it will always be a problem. ever since i was a kid my parents have always had an immaculate house (i mean raelly really clean) and i've never been allowed to have anyone stay over (from school) and I even thought sleepovers were daft because i never had the freedom to experience this.
Recently i've noticed that the house is treated almost like a museum and my childhood was so dissimilar to a "normal" way of life; no one has used the lounge in 3 years because it was re-decorated. this has something to do with not having other ppl sleep over because only my parents know how to keep the house clean! we've never even had relatives stay over.
ii've also started arguing with my parents over petty things that i do or don't do. e.g. this morning my dad claimed i had left the kitchen looking like a "bombsite" literally because i left 1 (rinsed) mug on the draining board. that is a tad hypocritical no? if i vacuumm own room my mum will come and do it after me because no one else can do it properly or i am told i should go out more or if i go out i should be studying.
I try to respect their rules because it is good of them to keep me on after 18 and saving me money while i do my degree. I am going to move out as soon as I have finished that latter as I am unable to do so due to money troubles at the mo. I am saving up though.
SO back to the main point. my parents claim my gf can't stay because of her parents (who are actually pretty acceptant) but I know the underlying reason is that they don't want her to stay is the same that no one else's standards are good enough. they never have friends round here either in case someone spills something.
sorry this has become such a rant. just i feel selfish staying at my girlfriend's all the time and being unable to return the favour. I know i should move out but atm that's not possible and I don't think i'm being too unreasonable to ask for my gf to stay over...
Thanks for reading. any advice would be much appreciated.
Peace x
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Comments
I'd still suggest doing that but if your parents are a bit OCD there may be a few more problems, especially if your girlfriend isn't as tidy as they demand (which she probably will be). I don't really have any advice about dealing with the OCD I'm afraid.
Tried but they just say they don't believe me... i guess i gotta cope with OCD on my own. i'm kinda used to it
To be honest, you are being very accepting, patient and respectful towards their rules and the way they choose to keep their house and live their lifes. They are lucky you don't come in early hours of the morning, throwing up everywhere stumbling up the stairs as most urm teenagers do at weekend :razz:
Talk to them about it - get them to admit the REAL reason why they are trying to avoid her staying over. Invite her round for tea perhaps (warn her what they are like!) and try to bring up the issues and make sure they know that her parents are cool with it. Surely they must kinda know cos you have been staying there?
I would ask them what exactly their problem with the age gap was, since if she is nearly 17 she is way above the age of consent. Ask them if you started seeing someone your own age would they be happy for her to stay over or is there some other issue?
It just seems absolutely ridiculous to say something like that because if they know you've stayed together at her mums then what exactly is it that they think they're stopping you from getting up to? Fair enough if they have a problem with the idea of you having sex in their house at all - some parents are like that - but if that isn't the real reason then they should be honest with you about what is. Very confusing.
I think you need to talk to your parents as it sounds like theyre a bit OCD.
That said, your parents do sound very strict andI think you need to talk to them about it.
well it's not like either of our parents know we're sexually active cos they haven't asked directly.
we just started getting serius before xmas and my gf decided to go on the pill but her parents don't know. tbh i think i'll get blame as older party when this does come up but i didn't force anything. cos we're both virgins we realised it was the best choice for us.
I think my parents aren't all that bad, it's just not normal. well it is to me because it's all i've been used to. to be fair they don't have to have me stay here (for free too) and the only reason i don't pull my weight round the house is cos I...
so back to the main point. one day (maybe once my gf is 17) they will be acceptant. if not they always go away a few times throughout year and i'll just have her stay behind their backs.
i know i need to move out for my own sake and pretty much everyone else's; my parents openly think i hate them because i always argue. it's not true at all, we used to be really close (i'm an only child) but then as i got older they didn't loosen their grip. perhaps they feel threatened by my gf. still stopping her stay isn't exactly gonna mend relations
sleeping bag is an age old euphemism.
and at mine it's not necessarily bout sex. just being together. I tried explaining that to my parents too... same old age story.
Hehe, with my ex we'd start in different rooms of the house with mum on guard but still get woken up in the morning together lying in lusty sweaty bedsheets
I miss sneaking around behind parents lol.
Its their rules in their house so i guess you'll just have to accept it.
Hi Cascara,
You've said that your parents won't let your girlfriend say over unless her dad knows. Do you think this is their real reason, or just an excuse? Either way, it might be worth her - or the two of you together - talking things through with her dad. As others have said, it's often difficult for parents to accept their kids are growing up, so have a think about what you can negotiate.
Perhaps you could suggest that you'd sleep in separate rooms to start with? Or suggest that you stay over at her dad's place first (and keep to the separate rooms thing) to prove your reliability. Once you've proved yourself, you might find that her parents and yours are prepared to be more flexible.
There's an article on TheSite.org on problematic parents that you might find useful.
Good luck with it all!