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Will I ever make good friends?

Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
I was speaking with the college provost the other day at a social, explained that last year I started and the uni f*cked up my accomodation and caused me to leave and change course (along with not liking the course), and they did exactly the same this year. He said it really pissed him off because it's not the first he's heard of it, and one of his supervisees got put in grad accomodation like me for the first bit and ended up not gelling with any of his housemates. At the end of his degree he'd still not made any good friends.

I just can't help feeling it's a bit like me too. Although I'm very sociable with my housemates, they've all made a few best buds here and there and I've been left out. When deciding accomodation for next year, they all got into groups and I found myself left out. Fortunately I've found a place that is a) better and b) cheaper than anything anyone else will find :p with someone I *know* (£57 a week for a room with a chandelier, double bed, fireplace with antique mantlepiece, etc. omg!).

Thing is, I'm slightly apprehensive as I'd looked forward to uni back in 2006 and thought I'd make friends for life. But every time I try I get screwed over by circumstances out of my control. I'm by no means a complete loner - I got on so well with the guys in one society that they let me into their 'group' as it were, going out to the pub and eventually got elected (read: appointed ;)) onto the committee. Problem is they're all graduating last year and this year, and I don't see them any more since there's only 2 left.

Except for my best friends back at home, is it likely at this stage when everyone has found their best friends that I'm going to make any really good friends? Of course I'll make friends I can talk to - I've got loads - but at the end of the day nobody at Uni texts me and asks me to go to the pub, or whatever. I mentioned this before christmas and someone advised that I should ask them :p, but you know what I mean. I just feel like I've not connected to anyone. I love the course I'm doing, I'm enjoying meeting new people, but I want some chemistry with some people.

At college a few years ago it was the first time in my life that I had close friends and I don't want to lose that now. Just having lots of acquaintences, but ending up eating alone like this guy I saw today. Went out for sunday dinner - and hey it might be me just making it up in my mind - but he was sat there on a table for 8 on his own staring into space just eating his dinner. I've been in that situation and it was for the sole reason I had no friends.

*scared*

There's my girlfriend, and she bonded with girls on the first day, I spend time with them, but I try to give myself space from my girlfriend, since she's at the same Uni and all and we inevitably end up spending a fair bit of time together anyway.

Comments

  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Yes is the answer to that.

    Making effort with other people is the key - ask them if they want to go to the pub instead of waiting for them to text you and then wonder why nobody's bothered. Doesn't usually take too long before you're matey with them and they'll accept you as part of their "group".

    It doesn't sound like they don't want you to be part of their group, and it sounds like you're better at making friends than you probably think. It's a cliche but you should be yourself, take an interest in other people. Then the more time you spend together the more you'll bond and it'll become second nature for you to be around them.

    Don't worry about it though, the more concious you are of it then the more difficult it's gonna be.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I only have one friend who I still see from first year, most my mates have graduated...

    I think that we don't really have "friends for life", or we very rarely do... People grow, they change, they move on be it location, spiritually or mentally. In some ways it sucks... But in others it's exciting because you never know who you're going to meet the next day.

    I think it depends on what you call "good friends" too... You only ever learn who loves you when you're down.

    What year are you in?

    I'm normally the one in my circle of buddies to arrange nights out. Maybe you should take the initiative to organise some trips, parties and whatnot...

    I think a lot of students often stay in, especially during final year. Many settle in to couples, or stress about work.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I'm in my second pastoral year but changed course so am in my first academic year. But I've been told I still get credited for the stuff from my first year... even though it's worthless :p (A 2:1 in calculus, a fail in applied and a 'pass' in vectors).

    Within my friendship group last year I was very proactive, which is why I'm now on the commitee, I'm very keen on making myself known to everyone and meeting everyone new in the society, they all know me and get on well with me :). Problem is that since about 3 guys graduated last year, the other 2 are in their final year and are quite a way out... and I'm a bit suspicious one of them isn't 'dead keen' on me. But that's paranoia ;).

    Also, a small part of the problem is the society (a computer gaming society) is that a lot of the new guys while perfectly nice are shy as fuck and prefer hiding to socialising :). It's my (self appointed) responsibility to break them out of this, lol...

    So I do have a lot of friends, but still miss having friends I can sit in my room on my bed watching films with.

    edit: perfect example
    At a friend's party back home with about 4 girls and 6 guys, we were playing I have never, and it went as follows:
    "I have never been kissed by Richard"
    everyone drinks
    "I have never been molested by Richard"
    everyone drinks
    "I have never seen Richard's testicles"
    everyone drinks

    I haven't even played I have never with anyone at uni. It's just that 'intimacy' or 'chemistry' or 'je ne sais quoi' that you have with close friends. I know the above makes me sound like either a sex pest or a VD, but I assure you it's all in good spirits ;)
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    If you find yourself in South Wales give us a call and we'll get pizzled :D
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    well, probably nobody will be coming up to you and ask "want to be my best friend?"

    You just have to hop over your shadow and call them up. It doesn't matter that you see them often in the pub, it matters HOW or WHY you meet them at the pub, as in: did you call them and organize it? It's little signs like that, that make people realize, "hey, that dude's cool... should call him up once in a while." not too mention about all the personal stuff you will talk about when drunk in the pub, haha.

    I did that in first semester. There was this girl I liked and probably spoke a hundred words to her (read: not a whole lot, but about as much to call her an acquaintance). I just went up to her and asked for her number in the middle of her friends. We've seen each other a couple of times, but alas, she's a tad weird and withdrawn. She calls me a friend, but would never call or smth. I wouldn't call that a fail, however. I tried my best, but she has some serious issues with every man, because of her abusive ex-bf.

    all of this post makes probably zero sense, but it's just the little signs you give them, to show that you are doing the effort to meet them/get them to know, etc. This usually makes friends automatically and people will call you up more often, tell you more personal stuff, ask you for advice, i.e. will be friends.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Thing is, I think the little things need to go two ways a bit, and it felt difficult making effort when other people had already made small groups of friends, they didn't need to worry about venturing out to make new friends...

    I almost feel like I'm having to chase them sometimes, like if we go out and we go to a bar, nobody will come find me and say we're moving on now, I have to kind of make sure I don't miss them. Not 'cos they're all nasty or ought :p but because they're looking after their 2 or 3 best mates they've already got.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    to be honest i didn't realise until my 3rd year that its not impossible to get into those pre-established groups. you need to find an open minded person who is in a few social circles themselves, and just get to know them a bit. at the time i was playing on a few football teams which none of my coursemates did, i was doing a language course and keeping up with music and stuff. not a lot, but just enough to put myself out there a bit and see some new people. also i guess i just got more confident

    also, i'd say you've made a good decision with your girlfriend by not crowding her or relying on her to make friends for you. admirable.

    the final problem is what you have noticed yourself, you are in a society where the...stereotypical member is a certain kind of person who won't socialise that much. call me prejudiced, but i'd say we can all imagine what the majority of these guys are like. not all, of course, but many.

    so what to do...maybe find another society, sit with some other people in class. i wouldn't advise sitting right at the front by yourself (not saying that you do, but!) and talk to people on trips. i always used to "accidentally" not make it onto the same bus with my mates and talk some some new people, or just check out whether they're wankers or not. well, ok, i did it so i could hit on the erasmus students but the principle remains.

    i know its easier said than done, but good luck!
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    No, you're not going to make any friends, you loser. :p

    Seriously, what reply can I give to that question other than yes, you'll make friends? Endlessly worrying about it won't help either.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    stargalaxy wrote: »
    No, you're not going to make any friends, you loser. :p

    Seriously, what reply can I give to that question other than yes, you'll make friends? Endlessly worrying about it won't help either.

    Oh danny boy you've helped the lad greatly there :p
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    GoodFella wrote: »
    Oh danny boy you've helped the lad greatly there :p
    But it's true. Constantly fretting over whether you're gonna make friends or not isn't going to help in the long run. If anything, it could be a hindrance. Now, go back to listening to Deadmau5 records... :p
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I'll be your friend, you can even have a steak dinner tomorrow with mini rostis :)
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    That sounds gorgeous.

    Whats rostis?

    I made salmon today, I was well impressed with myself :) (I mean, my girlfriend prepared it, I went over to hers, she got it ready wrapped it up in foil and said half hour in the oven :p)

    I guess I'm less anxious about it now, I do make a fair few friends and you can't force 'best friends' with people. Just sometimes I feel a bit isolated and lonely, but I am definately not the only person at uni feeling that.

    Home this weekend for some time out and some time with friends back home, get a few things sorted out, should be good :)
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