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mad at a friend advice would be so cool

Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
I'm at university in the first year and planning to move in with two of my friends in the second. We've had this plan for ageees and it's only recently that one of them has said that her parents want her to live at home but it's cool because there is nothing they can do to stop her. So we didn't think anything of it and went house hunting. We found the perfect house yesterday and paid £25 each which secures the house for us until we sign the lease (because other people were going to view it) so it is unofficially ours I guess.

We had been telling her friend for over a month to sort it out with her parents. I think it is a culture thing. She is asian and her parents are so strict. First they wanted her to drop out of uni and my friend has only slipped it into conversation recently (like after we put down the security money) that her parents FORBADE her from doing it. So it appears now that they have actually forbidden her from looking for a place so she's gone behind their backs and didn't tell us that they actually forbade us and kept acting positive about the whole thing that she can talk them round..we have to sign the thing on wednesday next week and her parents need to be guarentores..she's had over a month to do this and is even putting it off today. I am so mad!!

Me and my friend are making her do it tonight because either way we need to know for Wednesday but I do know that if she can't do it then she has royally screwed us. I understand she is stressed out by her parents but she has had nearly all of last term and the begining of this term to do it. Plus the Christmas hols. Anywho we are speaking to her tonight and the compromise so I'm told is for her to email them. This initially seems like a good idea because they have time to read her viewpoint etc but we are running out of time. Any ideas what to do?

Comments

  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    i am seeing her in fifteen mins :(
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Your plan sounds good, no point you lot getting screwed because of her.

    I'd tell her to talk to her parents because it could only cause more probs later on.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    it's hard to do because im mad at her but dont want to sound like i am mad at her if that makes sense. i see why she has been putting it off..her parents are mental but it feels like she hasnt been straight forward with us
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I see what you mean but she shouldn't have went behind her parents back to do something she couldn't. She has to own up to her parents and take steps to sort it otherwise as I said it will cause problems for you and your other mates.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    yeahhh.. :( its shit cuz that house was perfect and it felt like things were on the up! will let you know what happens
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    please do.

    best of luck. :)
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    if she drops out now youd only lose £25 tho, right? so it would be shit but better than signing the contract and then she drops out... would you be signing a joint contract or individual ones? go with individual if possible.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    yeahhh.. :( its shit cuz that house was perfect and it felt like things were on the up! will let you know what happens

    Is it impossible to have the house without her? Just you two? At least as long as you can find a 3rd interest party?

    go for it :D don't be shy. That's valuable experience! ^^
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    we are all supposed to be signing the leese next wednesday :(

    ok it doesnt look good...it looks terrible

    we told her to email her parents tonight and then text them after so she could get an answer asap (i know this sounds bossy but she is a top procrastinator)

    so we had an awkward chat then after dinner she went down to email and we told her to text us after she had emailed. we texted her after an hour asking if she was doing to which she replied 'nearly!'..didnt t hear anything so tried ringing her (phone off) tried texting (no answer) so we went downstairs to see her..she was in the kitchen with two of her guy flat mates just chatting with her phone on her.

    we went to her room to talk and her email was displayed on her screen (about a paragraph long) she had had 1 hour and 30 mins to do this email and that is all she had typed..she said it was difficult and that she'd get it done tonight. also she mentioned her mum had rang and i asked if she had told her and she said no because she seemed in a happy mood. but then a few days ago her mum rang in an angry mood and she had used that an excuse not to tell her. we are royally screwed. i am so mad at her. she says she will get the email sent tonight and i told her the deadline is tomorrow...which sounds harsh but shes had months to do this. anywho me and my friend left and as we were leaving we saw her go back into the kitchen!! i am really upset and angry now
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Thats a real problem.

    I say just keep bugging her till she does send the email.

    If she drops out do you all loose the place? Can't you find another person?
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I dont know. Maybe :( I said to her the deadline is tomorrow. Also if she messes up she can ring the landlord to explain
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I dont know. Maybe :( I said to her the deadline is tomorrow. Also if she messes up she can ring the landlord to explain

    Might even be a blessing in disguise y'know, if it's like this even before she's moved in then what's it going to be like if and when she does? Always good to be living with people who're reliable and not bound by other people y'know?

    Try not to stress or freak out too much if she ends up dropping out, these things have a habit of working out for the best even if it means you end up moving in with somebody else.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    yeah i hope so. im less mad at her now thinking about it. her family are the really strict asian type..there must be something she is scared of by not telling them...im going to ask her.. anyway the deadline is still tomorrow
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    One of my friends is similar, it's to do with norms from Asian societies afaik. I.e. the family will stay together and live together, even after graduating, until they get married. Though my friend is much more liberal than her parents about it, that's the way these things go I guess.

    Maybe your friend just doesn't want to let her parents down?
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    i think so. have another friend who may be interested now so i hope all is not lost. will talk to my other friend tomorrow. thanks :)
  • Indrid ColdIndrid Cold Warming up? Posts: 16,688
    Sorry, I don't know how these things work. But why do her parents have to be involved? Cultures or not, you're all adults and you can legally get a place to yourselves, right?
    EDIT: I noticed the word "guarantee". I still don't know how that works, but why can't someone else do it?

    As for what the proper thing is, the proper thing would be to tell you right away that her parents won't do it so you would have the time to find someone else to do it.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    she's only eighteen and her parents want to look out for her but they are very strict and interfering. we need a gurantore because we are renting a property for the first time and are students. so legally our parents are liable to bail us out if we mess it up completely. it's usually the parents cuz they are the only people who would sign a thing like that. no one in her family would do it because it would be going against her parents and if she found a way to somehow do it i have a feeling her parents would reject her completely. gonna speak to her about it today but we have another friend who is interested if she can't make it. just feel bad for her now
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    sounds like its pretty obvious that its never gonna happen with her, and her parents dont want her to, and shes just being a people pleaser, telling different people what they want to hear, whether its got any grain of truth in it or not, just so she doesnt look bad. That sort of thing pisses me off too.
    The thing is, youre not gonna get them to be her guarantor whether she sends them a crappy email or not. You just need to find someone else and tell this girl she needs to try a bit of honesty with people one day, and then never believe anything she says again.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    But she lives in halls now, right? Why are her parents so bothered about her being in a house as opposed to halls?

    I hope you can find another housemate and can stay friends with this girl, it must be tough to be subject to strong family pressure while trying to be independent at university.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    If you have another friend to move in with you then all's good. Moving in together (especially for the first time) is a big issue, and if she's showing so little interest in it, she might be doubtful about it and feel like she's being pushed. Wouldn't be the first girl who can't say 'no'.

    She might be sad for being ostracized of the house share, but she got it coming to her. If you say she's such a major procrastinator, maybe - like bri said- you are really dodging a bullet right there.

    the laundry, the dishes, the cooking are not gonna make themselves, you know...
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I have to say, it really sounds like the three of you sharing a house together isn't going to happen.

    You said the deadline was today, so I don't know where things are up to now.

    Personally, I would suggest asking whether she's sorted it, and if not asking her if she still wants to share the house. Two options, phone her parents immediately or you and yoru other friend look for another house mate.

    I'd start looking for another housemate, or another 2/3 people who want to share and then find another bigger house. There can be advantages when sharing to have more than 2/3 people.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Thankyou for the replies! Here is an update. Gah

    I'm the bad guy now unsurprisingly. I kinda let loose at her in the afternoon that day when walking back with her and said all the things I have said in this thread to her face. We were supposed to find out that morning. When I saw her she said she had sent the email but as yet hadn't got a reply. Then she tells us after our seminar that her parents 'will think about it'. Which call me a cynic but is probably a lie. If her parents were soo strongly against it that they had forbidden her to do this. Why the hell are they thinking about it??

    Then I said 'okay you still need to find out today so ring them' and then she said 'hopefully I will be able to ring them'..Then I said 'no 'hopefully' implies that you have no power over this. There will be no HOPEFULLY if you ring them' So she says that she will ring them and let us know. I told her that I wanted to know before I went home so I wasnt freaking out about it. I'm getting ready to leave with my friend in my room chatting and we're sat there waiitng for the news from this long awaited phonecall. She doesn't come upstairs so we go down thinking she might be upset and her parent's response.

    We knock on the door for her flat and she's there with her flatmate who in the past I've had no problems with. Then she goes into this long explanation that she had spoken to her dad who had said that he wanted more to do with the process of viewing properties etc and that he doesn't think we should get this one as it's expensive and apparently she is off the mark by a grand!! She says 'I think we should do what my dad says and look for another property' :mad: So I just said 'Look I don't want to be mean but I don't know your dad and don't really care what he thinks. This our dream place. We all loved it. It's a good price too and if you're off by a grand then there isn't much we can do. Plus you could have done all of this before and I need to let my friend know tonight because he might be able to bail us out'.

    Then her flatmate who has nooothing to do with us chimes in with 'You've already found a replacement for her..?' I'm looking at the girl I'm angry with waiting for her to add what I say next but she doesn't. 'Err well yes because after we viewed the property and secured it she said that we had better find a backup'. Then the stupid flatmate suggests thinking about it over the weekend so I just say no. This is the deadline, it's unfair. (All this time my other friend who is younger than me is agreeing but kinda leaving it upto me I guess). I have to leave at that point because I was going home for the weekend.

    So I texted my other friend (the one who was quite passive and who I CAN move in with) whether now is the time to let my nice friend know who is bailing me out whether he can move in with us or not. She says yes go ahead so I do and wahey he can. Then I ring later that night to find out if procrastinating friend is okay and apparently she's been looking at the bills and trying to find a way to move in with us. So I just say 'err well I've already asked my friend so it's too late' All the time I'm thinking fucking cheek! We are supposed to wait for her to see if she can afford it (when she is off by a grand) and even then the place may not be to her dad's stupid approval. She said she was cool with it and yeah I can't let my other friend down but I am still steaming mad. Things are gonna be awkward cuz we were a threesome and yeah I am pretty much the bad guy. So stressed. :impissed: :nervous: :grump:
  • Indrid ColdIndrid Cold Warming up? Posts: 16,688
    That's all not a nice situation, but I think you did what was seemingly best at the time... If she's lied and procrastinated so many times it was fair to expect she'd do the same again. I guess now it's all down to whether giving her a chance to make it but disappointing the other friend is better than leaving things as they are and disappoint her.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    i think you did the only thing you could do tbh.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    mm just dont know how to act when i go back to uni
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    mm just dont know how to act when i go back to uni

    like as nothing has happened. because nothing has happened. You tried to move in together, her dad does not approve, she doesn't have the money, end of story. she remains your friend, she will continue to live at home and you don't have to be mad with her anymore.

    you did the right thing.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    yeah i think ur right :)
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    :hyper: everyone wins!
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