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feeling suicidal
Former Member
Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
i split with my sons dad a year ago, he was fuckin sum ho, we've been seein each other again for a few months now and he says hes gona leave the girl to be with me but now the ho's pregnant so wants to wait till she gets a council place before he leaves her. i think im pregnant aswell and am now regretting goin back with him.
i stupidly thought he'd changed but hes still the ignorant, uncaring, cheatin bastard he was before and even as i type this i love him more then words can express and i want to be with him, have a proper family for my son and the 1 to cum but i hate him for what he has done to me and for makin me sit around not noin where i stand with him , leavin me alone to go back to the dirty husband stealin bitch and expectin me to not get upset or angry.
i dont no what to do, i had so many plans for my life now my son is at school, i wanted to do sumthing for myself, make life better for us, get an education, a good job and now im pregnant all thats gona stop....sumtime i wish i didnt hav my son coz then i wudnt hav a reason to live....i want to die but i cant and im so angry that i hav these thoughts, i cudnt leave my son but then i cudnt take him with me so i hav no choice but to carry on livin this shitty life and its all my fault anyway for makin stupid choices, why cant i jus stop lovin him, hes treated me like shit and hurt me so many timesa and yet i still love him. if i was dead i wudnt hav to deal with all these feelins. i wish i cud jus go to sleep and never wake up again.
i stupidly thought he'd changed but hes still the ignorant, uncaring, cheatin bastard he was before and even as i type this i love him more then words can express and i want to be with him, have a proper family for my son and the 1 to cum but i hate him for what he has done to me and for makin me sit around not noin where i stand with him , leavin me alone to go back to the dirty husband stealin bitch and expectin me to not get upset or angry.
i dont no what to do, i had so many plans for my life now my son is at school, i wanted to do sumthing for myself, make life better for us, get an education, a good job and now im pregnant all thats gona stop....sumtime i wish i didnt hav my son coz then i wudnt hav a reason to live....i want to die but i cant and im so angry that i hav these thoughts, i cudnt leave my son but then i cudnt take him with me so i hav no choice but to carry on livin this shitty life and its all my fault anyway for makin stupid choices, why cant i jus stop lovin him, hes treated me like shit and hurt me so many timesa and yet i still love him. if i was dead i wudnt hav to deal with all these feelins. i wish i cud jus go to sleep and never wake up again.
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Comments
all those things that you want like a "proper family for your son" you could have, doesn't mean its got to be with him though does it? - or does it? from what you've said, it doesn't sound like you have a very positive relationship with him. how does he get on with your son?
things don't have to stop if your pregnant and choose to keep the baby - there are always different ways of achieving things that you want to do.
but i would say that if you are struggling with suicidal thoughts you need to talk to someone... like the samaritans - 08457909090. also since you arn't sure you are pregnant, i think you should get a test done.
i wanted to go to college in sept, im at college now but i wana do sumthin different, if im pregnant then the baby will b due around aug/sep, im actually 99% sure i am even without doin a test, i do hav a doc appointment next week tho. i dont c how im gona b able to go to college with my son and a new baby, i dont hav any1 to look after it, my mum has my son now but she hates his dad, when she finds out shes gona flip, i really dont no how shes gona react, she mite cut me out of her life again, i dont want that. im so scared, of losin her and of losin him and im scared of bein left alone, i dont like bein alone, when im with ppl i feel ok, its the nights that r the worst, wen my sons sleepin and i cant sleep even tho im so tired i jus cant rest and all i can do is think about him there wiv her wen he should b here with me and our son. he loves his son to pieces and my son loves him, hes always sayin hes gona grow big and strong like daddy and wants to hav everythin the same as him. he is a good dad, tho at times he has neglected his duties bcoz he was angry at me. i no he loves me, just as much as i love him if not more, i'v done sum shitty things to him aswell and he still loves me.
i cant c myself with any1 else, it just doesnt seem right, it doesnt work, in the year we were split i was in a couple of relationships, well 3 that didnt last, it helped to keep my mind off him when they were with me but as soon as they wud leave my mind wud wander bk to him, wonder where he was, what he was doin, missin him, no1 has ever loved me the way he does and i no he has a wierd way of showin it sumtimes but i no him and he knows me and he makes me feel so comfortable and relaxed and my son loves him bein here aswell, it was so hard watchin my son cry and break down when his dad wud leave wen he'd drop him bk to me after a visit and now that doesnt happen, hes happy. the stupid thing is i no we are bad for each other but im addicted to him, i jus cant let him go no matter how hard i try, the longest iv ever gona without bein with him is 4 months, i just cant say no to him and its the same vise versa, no matter wot happens, who we are with, i hav a weakness wen it cums to him and i cant help but giv in, i jus want things to b bk to how they were b4 but at the same time i wish i was over him and that i didnt love him so it wudnt hurt me to c him with sum1 else.
that doesn't sound very healthy to me. what your saying is (or what it sounds like is) that you are dependent on him - rather than love him. it might be helpful to make the distinction. have you ever thought about relationship counseling? - it won't give you answers to what to do but it might help you sort out your feelings...