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My friend is gay and knows I know but pretends I doesn't, and thinks we hate him
Former Member
Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
Ok, kind of comlpicated, but here goes.
My friend, for years, has been a bit... camp I guess. But I don't make it a habit to judge peoples sexuality. So when on holiday he got drunk and told another friend of mine he loved him (and then made it very obvious in which way), most of my friends were expecting it but I genuinely was a bit surprised.
Anyway, had a small heart to heart, he thinks everyone hates him! He got home, sent me a nice text saying thanks for the hols and his parents and family are really funny with him. Now, I feel shit for him, because his very best friend is now really funny with him because he just tried to sleep with him. But I can't just say 'give us a hug and we'll chat' even though he wants to talk about it, because at the same time he's mortified about his sexuality. Because he was drunk at the time, he *knows* we know, but it's kind of a 'I just want to forget about it nobody mention it'.
I don't know whether to carry on as normal (but then, he assumes we all think he's disgusting or something - I think that comes from his family that are a bit on the prejudiced side sometimes if you know what I mean) or reassure him we think he's ace whether he's gay straight or something completely different. I actually thought he just wasn't into guys or girls or anything.
It gets to me in the way, I don't want him to feel like we think he's somehow worse now because he's the same guy I always knew! He's still a bit of a cock sometimes
especially around people he doesn't like. But I'm trying to be a bit sensitive with him atm and not telling him to shut up (again, from his family, he does drop the jokes about the 'little indian men').
I don't know if his family know or not. I don't know much to be honest, I'm not his closest friend but his closest friend now wants lots and lots of space. Which is understandable, since they were sleeping in a tent together and the first guy kept trying to do stuff when he was drunk. A bit weird for anyone really...
I really hate people who try to parade their gay friends though and to prove how liberal and forward thinking they are, will go round there and tell them they love them and that its never an issue and will basically celebrate about it. Which is what one of my friends wants to do I think - take him out clubbing to gay clubs and get him hooked up. I'm much more moderate and think my mate needs some reassurance, but at the same time he just wants to forget about it all. I could pretend I don't know he's gay and still be oblivious to his feelings that we despise him, and in two months or two years or never when he feels ready to let us know in his own way then I could tell him he's great (except for the racist bits :grump: ) and it doesn't change the way I think about him.
BTW, he's kind of a boy racer sun glasses stereo blazing with an old fashioned family where mum does the cooking and enjoys wine a bit too much, and dad runs the business and has the landrovers and the mates with the tanks (actually true). He's just installed a PC into his car which is great too - just a tad different from your usual affeminate gay stereotype which I think makes it all the harder for him to deal with it, maybe? I'm just guessing tbh!]
To hug and talk, or not to hug and talk, that is the question. He's already acting like it hasn't happened and asked us who's going pub on monday.
My friend, for years, has been a bit... camp I guess. But I don't make it a habit to judge peoples sexuality. So when on holiday he got drunk and told another friend of mine he loved him (and then made it very obvious in which way), most of my friends were expecting it but I genuinely was a bit surprised.
Anyway, had a small heart to heart, he thinks everyone hates him! He got home, sent me a nice text saying thanks for the hols and his parents and family are really funny with him. Now, I feel shit for him, because his very best friend is now really funny with him because he just tried to sleep with him. But I can't just say 'give us a hug and we'll chat' even though he wants to talk about it, because at the same time he's mortified about his sexuality. Because he was drunk at the time, he *knows* we know, but it's kind of a 'I just want to forget about it nobody mention it'.
I don't know whether to carry on as normal (but then, he assumes we all think he's disgusting or something - I think that comes from his family that are a bit on the prejudiced side sometimes if you know what I mean) or reassure him we think he's ace whether he's gay straight or something completely different. I actually thought he just wasn't into guys or girls or anything.
It gets to me in the way, I don't want him to feel like we think he's somehow worse now because he's the same guy I always knew! He's still a bit of a cock sometimes
especially around people he doesn't like. But I'm trying to be a bit sensitive with him atm and not telling him to shut up (again, from his family, he does drop the jokes about the 'little indian men').I don't know if his family know or not. I don't know much to be honest, I'm not his closest friend but his closest friend now wants lots and lots of space. Which is understandable, since they were sleeping in a tent together and the first guy kept trying to do stuff when he was drunk. A bit weird for anyone really...
I really hate people who try to parade their gay friends though and to prove how liberal and forward thinking they are, will go round there and tell them they love them and that its never an issue and will basically celebrate about it. Which is what one of my friends wants to do I think - take him out clubbing to gay clubs and get him hooked up. I'm much more moderate and think my mate needs some reassurance, but at the same time he just wants to forget about it all. I could pretend I don't know he's gay and still be oblivious to his feelings that we despise him, and in two months or two years or never when he feels ready to let us know in his own way then I could tell him he's great (except for the racist bits :grump: ) and it doesn't change the way I think about him.
BTW, he's kind of a boy racer sun glasses stereo blazing with an old fashioned family where mum does the cooking and enjoys wine a bit too much, and dad runs the business and has the landrovers and the mates with the tanks (actually true). He's just installed a PC into his car which is great too - just a tad different from your usual affeminate gay stereotype which I think makes it all the harder for him to deal with it, maybe? I'm just guessing tbh!]
To hug and talk, or not to hug and talk, that is the question. He's already acting like it hasn't happened and asked us who's going pub on monday.
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He needs to be honest with his sexuality with everyone, at the moment he's just bottling it up and it's revealing itself when he's drunk and that's the wrong moment.
About your friend, if I were you, I'd just say what you said in this post here, but in less words. basically, something that shows you're still his mate, you don't care whether he's gay or straight, if he wants to talk about it you're there, and maaybe ask him to not come onto you or your friends. and then get back to business as usual.
also, he'll have to get himself comfortable with his sexuality in order to get self-control.
I think the thing was, he's been gay presumably for a long time and in the closet. And has had feelings for this guy, for a long time.. and I can perfectly understand it all got too much for him with the drink. There was crying and hugging and I love yous and that. The funny thing is, we're all liberal minded except to some extent my friend, who it turns out is now gay!
Obviously because he's attatched a negative thing to it, he assumes we all do too. But we don't. But he doesn't even want to think about it, but now that he knows we know it must be eating him inside thinking we all think he's weird or something. We said to him on the morning after, me and someone else altogether, that we don't think any less of him - but I really don't think he's convinced.
I was talking to her (the other person friend) and she said that she thinks he doesn't believe we want to be his friends, especially not now. So part of me wants to go round and give him a manhug and say mate, you're my mate, so get used to it - but the other part doesn't want to rub salt into the wound because it seems apparent he wasn't / isn't ready to come out to us all.
Before I came out, I fancied soooo many of my straight friends because everyone needs to love and be loved - and as I only knew straight boys, they became the obvious target of my infatuations.
Now that I am openly gay, I wouldn't give them another look in that sort of way - and yet I still hang out with most of them. They accept me and I am forever being invited on nights out etc
What you need to do is tell him that you all know he is gay and that you don't care - and encourage him to make gay friends in the appropriate circle. Welcome him into your circle of friends with his gay partner (when he gets one) and treat him as a mate as normal. After all, he is STILL the same guy that you enjoyed as a mate before, having a laugh and getting up to no good.
Once he knows that you accept him as being gay and it makes no difference to your friendship, his misguided affection can be openly encouraged to develop with people of the same persuasion.
That is such a sad statement. If your mate knew that you completely accepted his homosexuality and you would still be a friend and stand by him no matter what, you would never be in a situation where you had to resort to violence and 'slap' him. That attitude is sooooooo last century. I know that you have come a long way with your attitude towards gay people but that statement indicates that you are not quite 'there' yet.
I didn't mean it like that, I was just going by that he came onto one of your best friends. But then again, he was drunk at the time, and as he gets more comfortable with himself then he wont have to repress it, so he'll have better control
Not the same thing, because I fancy girls. BUT, i have had a lesbian friend tell me not to come onto her.
Exactly, this is what I was trying to say, I guess it didn't come across right.
If it's really eating him up, then I think you should let him know that you're fine with him being gay, but don't pressure him into talking to you or anything. just maybe slip it in to some activity that you guys are doing, and then move on straight away. if he wants he can keep talking about it, or he doesn't even have to acknowledge that you said it; make sure he has that choice.
Either way, best of luck!
Haha, don't worry mate...if I could hit girls I'd do the same, it's nothing to do with sexuality, it's the fact that your mate tries it on with you...either you accept it and go for the kill or you don't and feel offended, there's no in between when it comes to mates...at the same time, it always fucks up friendships/relationships in some sort of manner.
:yes:
Personally I'd make an extra effort with him for the next few weeks, making sure he feels included etc. Doesn't mean you have to have a big sit down chat with him about it, it'll just mean a lot to him that you care.
That's a fair enough answer. Sorry, your previous reply didn't read as well so I misconstrued what you said. Thanks for clarifying.
He might think that you hate him because people use thow away comments like 'fuckin' poof', or 'that's so gay', etc etc which doesn't inspire confidence in their ability to be tolereant.
I think you DO have to tell him 'Hey, just for the record, it's fine you're gay I don't mind you're still my mate' and follow that up by continually be as good to him as you were before. He may feel awkward initially - as you might- but time will help him overcome that feeling.