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Questions for children of divorced parents
Former Member
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It is quite hard sometimes, but I think it would be a lot harder if my step-parents were arseholes. I really disliked my stepdad at first because he has a really bad temper and they used to argue a lot, but now it's a lot better and I get on alright with him. My stepmum is wonderful, because she's only a few years older than my oldest sister, so I see her more of a sister than my other mum. She even talks to me really openly about my sex life, and HER sex life, which was a little strange at first but now I think it's really cool.
I think the best thing to do is just think that this is what they both want. I don't know exactly why my mum and dad divorced, and imo it's better like that because it means I can't make up memories of them arguing when I have none. The only bad things that have come of it are that I now live in a shitty little house, where before I lived in a great big AWESOME house, and that I rarely see my dad anymore. Other than that, everyone is happy and it's not really a problem anymore.
I stayed with my mum (who I've come to realise is a bitch, but currently can't leave) and my dad moved to a house not too far (20 min walk). He has since remarried and moved with my stepmum to a village quite far away.
When he lived close I visited often, and spent a few days there, but now I only visit in holidays and some weekends.
When they divorced I thought things were going to be better, but I have to say I was deceived. For the first months, maybe years, they were in a sort of "cold war" about which one was the better parent. They both wanted to do more things for me than the other, but that eventually subsided.
The worst thing about the whole thing was how my mum has been acting since when it comes to me, my brother, my dad, my stepmum and pretty much everybody. She made my life a hell (and sometimes still does).
I don't mean to scare you, this is how specific people act. Yours might be better for all I know, and besides that you're older and don't live with either of them in your everyday life. Just beware of bitterness, and if the situation between your parents was any like mine was before they divorced, you should bless the heavens they're finally doing it.
Good luck!
It was hard at first, as you say just thinking of the things your family would normally do together.
But the thing is you can see they are both much happier people now and are really getting on with things.
As for other partners, I haven't had to cross that bridge yet as they are both still single but I would be happy for them if they found someone else. Especially my mum, she gets quite lonely sometimes and she deserves someone to look after her.
They seperated because my Dad had an affair, and he subsequently went on to have an 8 year long relationship with her, which was were aware of but never met her because mum had it written into the seperation agreement that she didn't want her around when my sister and i were visiting dad. When i was younger we saw Dad every second weekend, spending from fri night to sunday afternoon there, which worked quite well although his place never felt like home. I was lucky in that my mum managed to buy out my dad of the family home, so we didn't have any upheval like that, and dad only lived about 15 minutes down the road.
Now we're older, my sister and i don't spend specific weekends with our dad, but do see him on occasion for dinner, and he and his new partner (of 4 years!) have been up to visit me for the weekend in Norwich. I get on really well with his girlfriend, i'm just glad he's happy really and she's nothing to do with the reason my parents split up so why blame her?
I do wish that mum could find someone though, she doesn't seem to really care, and i just don't want her to get lonely - although she has an AMAZING social life so it's not as bad as it could be!
Christmas we always spent with Mum, then we'd see Dad on the 27th. Birthdays were usually spent with both of them when i was young (they tried to be civil while we were younger) and then when we got older, we'd go and see dad in the afternoon or something. My graduation was a bit... odd, as it was Mum, Dad, Anna (my sister) and Dad's girlfriend all there. In the same room. And then at the same restaurant. I was really rather stressed about it, but it turned out ok
My mums parents are old fashioned and it took mum over a year to pluck up the courage to tell them. Which was shitty because we had to pretend everything was alright. They hit the roof when she told them and tried to persuade her to try again. She recently told them about her new partner (who is black) and they hit the roof again because it's something that's never happened before in our family or community. My other grandparents were fine though - they'd always said that my parents weren't right for each other and I've never thought so either, so we weren't surprised when it happened.
Last xmas was spent with dads side of the family (which we did every year anyway) not sure what's happening this xmas. Don't know what's happening with my 18th either. I'll have to ask them to talk because they'll both want to be there but I dunno how they'll be with the other partners there which they've never met.
My mum got together with my stepdad when I was 8, and then they split up when I was about 20 or 21 which I found a lot harder to deal with even though i wasnt living at home. i couldnt believe it had happened. I still do see him though and his new wife and its ok, but i was angry with nhim at first for what he had done to my mum.
All i can say is that if they are not happy, they really are better of apart
my parents split when i was six, im now 25, so our situations are a little different. its just adjustment thats all. my parents are both remarried, and have a life after what happened, they got this a long time ago
you have two family base units now, two places to go. I used to go to one parent one year for xmas and the other the next. now i find it easier to do my own thing and spend it with my partner and son.
It will be ok, i know its hard but you will get used to it, and so will they, and in time, they will both be happy and it wont be an issue anymore
Sam
Exactly the same as me.
My parents both still live in Newcastle. My dad stayed in the house and my mam bought another one. They sorted it out so they were equal financially. I chose one home as a base (mam) and still 'stay' there when I go back although I visit my dad a lot. To be honest though, I have a place of my own with my boyfriend so it doesn't bother me that I haven't got one place
Christmas has always been a nightmare in my family. Grandparents in Scotland and Cornwall and us in between in Newcastle. We don't go to Scotland anymore but there's the added dilemma of my boyfriends family living in Wales! We tend to do a rota basis. Since my rents split up I haven't had a Christmas where I've seen both parents and last year I didn't see either of them until January but its not the end of the world. My boyfriend's (divorced) rents live close and we saw both of them on xmas day but we had xmas dinner with one and boxing day dinner with the other. I got one when I went back home too. So many dinners! See its not all that bad!
In terms of new partners I was really happy for my mam when she found someone new. We ended up having problems but at the start I was happy she'd found someone and excited to have someone new in the family. They got married in January after about 5 years but I don't think of him as a father figure and I wouldn't call him my stepdad.
Like any break-up its likely to be a difficult time for both your parents. At 24 you're lucky to be detatched enough to have perspective on the situation and be there to help. My mam needed lots of help and I tried but at 15 its difficult! I wish I could have done more for her
Christmas...I stay Christmas Eve with dad so he's not alone and go see mum in the afternoon and spend boxing day with her. It's not that bad, but I'm more worried about when they come together, they haven't spoken since they divorced. Things like, what am I going to do about seating and things at my wedding?! Of course thats a while away but still things like that go through my head.
I hope you cope with it ok. They still love you and hopefully they'll be a lot more civil that my parents were.