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Am I An Idiot?!
Former Member
Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
Basically, i've been with my boyfriend for coming up to two and a half years and lived with him for the past year. Last wednesday, we were supposed to be going to the cinema and instead of getting his stuff together he turned around to me and said, completely out of the blue, that he was breaking up with me, packing in his job and moving back to Essex to live with his mum. Obviously i was pretty devastated and went on a mildly self destructive rampage for about 5 days.
As we were still living together (for the next month until we work out our notice periods), i decided that i would at least try and be civil to him. We talked a lot about the breakup, both on the Thursday and Sunday of last week and a bit of this week (i say talked... trying to get anything from him is like trying to get blood from a stone). Basically, i established in my mind that he was fed up with being skint, working long hours, hating the people he worked with and then disliking coming home and having other responsibilities (and having to deal with my moods!). When i approached him with this, he confirmed it, and said it was all a combination of factors which had made him throw in the towel.
Last night we discussed if it would be better if we were living apart. We've served notice on the house and we've both handed in our resignations at work and are heading back to Billericay and South-East London respectively. He said he was prepared to give it another go and see if it worked better like that - with his close friends about and less responsibility as he'll be living at home.
The thing is... i know we were quite young to settle down and move in together etc. But while this doesn't really feel like a step backwards, am i silly to expect his feelings to change because he'll be at home? Should i just get out now while the healing process has already started? I do want to give it a go; i think he's worth it. But am i letting my heart rule my head, and being an idiot?
As we were still living together (for the next month until we work out our notice periods), i decided that i would at least try and be civil to him. We talked a lot about the breakup, both on the Thursday and Sunday of last week and a bit of this week (i say talked... trying to get anything from him is like trying to get blood from a stone). Basically, i established in my mind that he was fed up with being skint, working long hours, hating the people he worked with and then disliking coming home and having other responsibilities (and having to deal with my moods!). When i approached him with this, he confirmed it, and said it was all a combination of factors which had made him throw in the towel.
Last night we discussed if it would be better if we were living apart. We've served notice on the house and we've both handed in our resignations at work and are heading back to Billericay and South-East London respectively. He said he was prepared to give it another go and see if it worked better like that - with his close friends about and less responsibility as he'll be living at home.
The thing is... i know we were quite young to settle down and move in together etc. But while this doesn't really feel like a step backwards, am i silly to expect his feelings to change because he'll be at home? Should i just get out now while the healing process has already started? I do want to give it a go; i think he's worth it. But am i letting my heart rule my head, and being an idiot?
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Comments
It would be rubbish to just leave it and then always wonder if it may have worked if you had tried.
It could work better without the stress of living together, I know when I lived with a b/f we got fed up of each other. Dating is nice when you don't live together as you want to see each other and look forward to it.
You're not being an idiot. No-one can say whether it will work out but if you both want to I'd say you should give it a go at least.
maybe this could be best and could save your R'ship,
Good luck
If he feels like that living with you now, who is to say it's gonna be any different in 2-5 years time?
would you continue living apart forever if he was never "ready"?
BUT..
most of the reasons he gave weren't based around you, more him and his situation.
so maybe back at home, where he is famililar with people (family n friends) things may change
only one way to find out .... x
I'm going away tomorrow for a week as well, so that'll help me put some perspective on it all i hope.
But, if you are going to date, and you are going to work at the relationship then you need to know both of you are actually going to do that.
He seemed to be pretty happy about this compromise. He was very upset about the whole thing; more so than he thought he would be i think.
His problem is that he's not very good at decision making, so when he makes one he sticks with it, whether it's a good or bad one - just for the sake of having made a decision. Which is fine, but not when you won't admit that your own decision making skills are making you unhappy.
Yes, him as well. Obviously if you arent going to live together it might be easier to drift apart so you need to know he's serious about the whole dating lark, which by the sound of it he is - so thats good.
However if you're both living seperately and you dont miss being with him, then dont go ahead with it.
Personally i think you should make the decision about whether to give it another go, after you've both moved out. And no, your not an idiot for wanting it to work.
There is that. But then we'd have to spend the next month living together and not being together. And that would be fvcking awful.
I really struggling to see the difference between that and my life TBH
I'm going to be a little contrary here and suggest that you consider things after you've moved out and possibly avoid contact for a week or two. You will have a better idea of how you feel about each other then. I worry, for you, that you may just be settling for what is "comfortable" rather than what you actually want/need...
I mean lets say your relationship bounces back and becomes great again (fingers crossed!!) but what's to stop you two moving in again in 6months-year time and the same thing happening all over. Sorry don't mean to sound like Lord Gloom (just my mood at moment :impissed: ) but you have to, to a degree think long term before you get back together properly.
Lets say he gets better job and that'll remove being skint and hopefully hating the people he works with! Is/was there anything else making him want the relationship to be over, other than your moods?! You've said getting information from him is hard but surely he owes you the truth.
I'm in no place to give advice as I'm just as confused but I do hope it works out for you!:)