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nasty comments and low self esteem
Former Member
Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
Hi everyone,
This is my first post here, although I have been reading the forums for awhile and people seem very helpful so I thought I'd run some thoughts past you. Not entirely sure I need advice, maybe just need to rant and then you can tell me to shut up and stop being so silly!
Anyway, basically I have one friend who I love to bits, she's really fun to be around and is usually very kind and a pleasure to hang out with. However, recently I've noticed that whenever we go out with a big group of people she starts making quite nasty personal comments about me in front of everyone. As an example, (which is going to sound a bit mad but I'll say it anyway) I have very slender hands and quite long fingers and when I was younger I got picked on because of this. She knows this and decided that it'd be funny to bring it up as a joke in conversation with my other friends (I have to be honest, reading this back I feel like I should be laughing at myself because it's fairly trivial, but that is one of the nicer things she says and I don't want to write anything else she's said down for now). I don't even think she means to be malicious, and kind of does it in a jokey way. Also, whenever I'm speaking she always has to butt in and start talking about herself instead. I just don't know why she does it, because when we talk one on one she's nothing but supportive. So, why try to bring me down in front of friends?
As a bit of background, some things happened to me in my early teens which meant that for awhile my self esteem and confidence hit rock bottom. It took me a long time and so much effort to get through these things and get to a stage where I actually liked myself as a person. And, although she doesn't know the whole story, she is aware of this. So, I just can't understand why she's doing this.
I tried to confront her, but she said I should chill out. However, another friend did say to me that she's noticed her behaviour and that she thinks it's very rude.
Ah well, probably just take a break from her for awhile and see how I feel. Any comments are welcome. Not entirely sure if I should be feeling bad about this or whether I'm blowing things out of proportion because I'm a bit stressed with uni work at the moment.:chin:
Cheers in advance for any comments!
This is my first post here, although I have been reading the forums for awhile and people seem very helpful so I thought I'd run some thoughts past you. Not entirely sure I need advice, maybe just need to rant and then you can tell me to shut up and stop being so silly!
Anyway, basically I have one friend who I love to bits, she's really fun to be around and is usually very kind and a pleasure to hang out with. However, recently I've noticed that whenever we go out with a big group of people she starts making quite nasty personal comments about me in front of everyone. As an example, (which is going to sound a bit mad but I'll say it anyway) I have very slender hands and quite long fingers and when I was younger I got picked on because of this. She knows this and decided that it'd be funny to bring it up as a joke in conversation with my other friends (I have to be honest, reading this back I feel like I should be laughing at myself because it's fairly trivial, but that is one of the nicer things she says and I don't want to write anything else she's said down for now). I don't even think she means to be malicious, and kind of does it in a jokey way. Also, whenever I'm speaking she always has to butt in and start talking about herself instead. I just don't know why she does it, because when we talk one on one she's nothing but supportive. So, why try to bring me down in front of friends?
As a bit of background, some things happened to me in my early teens which meant that for awhile my self esteem and confidence hit rock bottom. It took me a long time and so much effort to get through these things and get to a stage where I actually liked myself as a person. And, although she doesn't know the whole story, she is aware of this. So, I just can't understand why she's doing this.
I tried to confront her, but she said I should chill out. However, another friend did say to me that she's noticed her behaviour and that she thinks it's very rude.
Ah well, probably just take a break from her for awhile and see how I feel. Any comments are welcome. Not entirely sure if I should be feeling bad about this or whether I'm blowing things out of proportion because I'm a bit stressed with uni work at the moment.:chin:
Cheers in advance for any comments!
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Comments
My first thing would be speak to her, but you say you have already done this. She said "chill out" which suggests she knows exactly what she is doing, and as she is picking as and when to say bitchy comments and when to be supportive makes me think she is definatly aware of her actions.
If it was me in your situation I would make snide bitchy comments back, but thats just me and it really depends on how you are as a person.
How do YOU see this coming to an end? What do you feel your options regarding this situation to be?
Personally, I am getting to the stage where I am very tempted to start making bitchy comments back. However, that's the other thing that has been bothering me, she does tend to put herself down quite a lot and although she hides it behind humour she does sometimes seem genuinely unhappy. This makes me think one of two things, 1) because she puts herself down she thinks it's ok to do the same thing to me or, 2) she has low self esteem and/or she is jealous of me about something in particular (know this sounds big headed but I'm the only person she seems to do this to). If it's the second one then I know what it feels like to have low self esteem and I don't want to be the one making things worse if you know what I mean.
In answer to your first question, there was a time when I would have let the things she's saying get to me on a personal level and I would have probably ended up believing them and hating myself. I'm not that person any more though and am generally happy about myself on most levels. So, bottom line, if her behaviour doesn't stop then I suppose the friendship will have to. Don't really want it to come to that though.
I suppose my options are to maybe talk to her again one to one about this and maybe try to get to the bottom of why she's doing it. Or, I could ignore her for awhile until I feel that I have time to deal with it - this could be hard to do on a day to day basis though.
I suppose deep down I know what I should do, it's just thinking of the right way to approach the issue.:banghead:
Do you feel that your friends prefer your company to hers?
It isn't a healthy situation to be in especially if you have had problems in the past as it isn't fair to try and knock you back when you have come so far.
Like you said you should try and talk to her again, explain how you feel and tell her that it is upsetting you. I can imagine it's a tricky situation if you are both part of a group of friends that socialise together on a regular basis though.
You may just have to be straight with her and tell her how much you value your friendship with her but if the behavior continues you just don't want to be her friend.
I hope the situation is soon resolved and try not to lose any sleep over it
:yes:
Thanks for the replies! Did manage to get some sleep eventually and I feel slightly better about the whole thing.
Squeal - my friendship group is a little bit odd in that all the people in it were originally my friends on an individual basis and I kind of just introduced them to each other and they seemed to get on. So, I guess I always feel slightly in the middle of things whenever anything happens between them. Unfortunately this time apparently I'm the one someone has a problem with.... As far as I can tell all the others like her and think she's a good laugh and everything but lately when we've been sat in a bar or something and she's come out with a comment about me everyone's kind of gone a bit quiet and looked a bit uncomfortable and annoyed.
I don't know, I guess the real issue I have here is not so much that the comments are hurting me on any deep level - she'd have to try a lot harder to do that. It's just that I don't understand why she's being so disrespectful in public and then at the same time so supportive and friendly when it's just me and her. Aaargh!
She seems to have a particular problem with me talking about the things that I'm interested in, which is mostly music; my entire life seems to revolve around it. Whenever I start talking about it when everyone's there and saying what I'm up to at the moment she'll come out with things like, 'Oh not that again, you think you're some kind of musical prodigy or something.' Which frankly is totally uncalled for, especially as she then goes on to ramble on about the things she's doing in HER life at the moment. As far as I'm aware friends shoud be able to talk to each other about the things they're passionnate about and not get slammed down. I really just don't get it.
Anyway, from what everyone's said I suppose I am going to have to have a word with her and get to the bottom of this. Time to crack open the red wine and have a chat, I think.
If that doesn't work, you can use the empty bottle to smash over her head :yeees:
Seriously, if she doesn't care about your feelings then she isn't much of a friend. You know, the more I read threads in this forum the more I wonder why anyone puts up with shit like this...
We are all worth more than this, we all have the right to be treated with respect. Some people just aren't worth the effort.
maybe we should all be friends together! *group hug*
Only if we're all naked
Seriously, I wouldn't go that far but neither would I treat someone I dislike in the way this "friend" has....
Basically had a word with her yesterday and the response I got was that I needed to calm down and that I was getting things totally out of perspective. Don't think she really listened to a word I said.
So, I have decided that the people saying she isn't a friend and that I'm deluding myself are right. The responsibility for how I get treated is in my own hands as much as it is in hers. Anyway, long story short I said that if that's how she feels and she's not going to make an effort to change then we need to spend time away from each other. A lot of time. Think she was a bit shocked at that. Also told the rest of my friendship group about this decision and they said that they weren't really surprised and would do the same thing in my position.
So, there we go. Sorted. Not really the outcome I wanted but it is an outcome and it's amazing how much better I feel. I have enough problems at the moment without dealing with idiots like her!
It is annoying to lose someone that at one time I thought was a very good friend, but I guess there's no point making life harder than it already is by willingly hanging around with people who try and bring me down.
I sound like ive chnaged my tune from the other day but i think you need to stand up against shitty behaviour (if its making you feel crap) but at the same time friends can be forgiven and you can still be friends just be aware of her limitations and dont be afarid to tell her to STFU