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Being "In a relationship"
Former Member
Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
Why is this so hard for some menfolk to do?
My 'boyfriend' says he loves me and, when he properly says it, to me it means 'I love you', in the way that two people love one another. This might sound big-headed, but I think I can tell when he's saying it because he can't think of anything else right at that moment and has to tell me. Sometimes he is saying it to placate me, or whatever else, and I can tell the difference between these two ways of saying it.
Yet my 'boyfriend' says he doesn't love me "in the way I want him to".
My 'boyfriend' wants to be able to kiss and seduce many other women but not take things any further than that. I am obviously not to engage in this behaviour. Apparently, he doesn't actually want to do this, nor does he want to want to, but he does.
We broke up because he had kissed the same girl on a second separate occasion. But we still see each other as much, still have amazing sex and still tell each other we love each other. He also asked that while we're doing that, we can't see other people or do anything with anyone else. So technically he is not my boyfriend but in every real way he is.
That terrifies him. It has been seven, eight months since we got together. What the hell is his problem? Am I just going to have to accept that he will never be ready for a relationship, at least not any time in the near future and let him get on with being an utter penis? I am almost sure that he does definitely want me (sounds arrogant again, but I don't mean it like that), it's that he doesn't want a relationship at all. What is the deal with that? We are not getting married, we're not having babies. If he wants to do sex-related stuff with me and no-one else, what is the big deal? Why can't we just get on with that and enjoy being with each other? At some point that might change or it might not. So what?
I don't understand what his deal is and he is driving me insane. He is absolutely sure one minute he wants a relationship and the next he doubts everything he just said.
Any other guys or girls out there who are like him? Any people who have had a successful relationship with someone like this?
Thank you everyone.
My 'boyfriend' says he loves me and, when he properly says it, to me it means 'I love you', in the way that two people love one another. This might sound big-headed, but I think I can tell when he's saying it because he can't think of anything else right at that moment and has to tell me. Sometimes he is saying it to placate me, or whatever else, and I can tell the difference between these two ways of saying it.
Yet my 'boyfriend' says he doesn't love me "in the way I want him to".
My 'boyfriend' wants to be able to kiss and seduce many other women but not take things any further than that. I am obviously not to engage in this behaviour. Apparently, he doesn't actually want to do this, nor does he want to want to, but he does.
We broke up because he had kissed the same girl on a second separate occasion. But we still see each other as much, still have amazing sex and still tell each other we love each other. He also asked that while we're doing that, we can't see other people or do anything with anyone else. So technically he is not my boyfriend but in every real way he is.
That terrifies him. It has been seven, eight months since we got together. What the hell is his problem? Am I just going to have to accept that he will never be ready for a relationship, at least not any time in the near future and let him get on with being an utter penis? I am almost sure that he does definitely want me (sounds arrogant again, but I don't mean it like that), it's that he doesn't want a relationship at all. What is the deal with that? We are not getting married, we're not having babies. If he wants to do sex-related stuff with me and no-one else, what is the big deal? Why can't we just get on with that and enjoy being with each other? At some point that might change or it might not. So what?
I don't understand what his deal is and he is driving me insane. He is absolutely sure one minute he wants a relationship and the next he doubts everything he just said.
Any other guys or girls out there who are like him? Any people who have had a successful relationship with someone like this?
Thank you everyone.
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Comments
The kind of guy who will fuck your head up.
Id get out before you get any deeper involved than you already are.
You seem to already know that what hes asking is fucked up and unreasonable, so at least noone has to convince you of that.
People dont change THAT much though, so unless this is what you want out of a relationship, then youre best of not accepting it.
You get what you settle for.
I don't know why I'm the kind of person everyone walks all over. I don't mean to be. Of all the relationships, friendships included, that I've had, it's been this way. And I really did think I was worthless until I met him- I was a whore basically, at least all my 'friends' told me so and I got treated like one. Apart from getting paid, which I really should have, the way I acted and was treated by people.
This guy fought so hard for me and told me I was worth something. When no-one ever says it, that means a lot. He told me that I wasn't a whore- it sounds really, really stupid, but not even my friends could say that to me then. He really, really cares for me. Apart from family, not that many people actually have. I'm sure I've just had bad luck with the people I became friends with and the men I got involved with, but still.
Thank you both.
The reason you feel so attached to him and dont want anyone else is probably BECAUSE of his erratic behaviour. An insecure attachment is the strongest kind of attachment at all, and thats why people have a habit of going for those badboys or people who play hard to get or stay in violent abusive relationships for so long.
Does that mean I actually have no real feelings for him? It feels like I do. Is it just that I have unhealthy attachment to him and that's all? If I wasn't attached, I would feel nothing? What makes people like this? I'm always afraid of stuff. Does it just come from nowhere? Like some people are like that and some people aren't?
Try to get away from him. I know what it's like to be in an up and down sort of relationship and it can be addictive. The highs sort of make up for the lows. But it's not healthy and not good for yourself.
Except that he's not, so much of the time. We get on amazingly well and just being around each other feels good. He feels the same way about this, or at least he says he does and he is honest to a fault at all times. Which is a good thing really, because even though I have no idea where I stand at the moment, it's because he genuinely has no idea. Uuuuuuuuuuuuuug. I wish everything wasn't so complicated, you know?
Is there any way you can give yourself a week away from it all? You'll have to really focus on making this decision all about you and what you want, and then go back to him and lay down some ground rules. If he can stick to them, and he shows that he's making the effort, then fair enough. But if your needs aren't being fulfilled, then however well you get on, you're going to end up a doormat for good, always catering to his paranoia and messy-headedness (is a word? no? bleh).
You can't take care of anyone else until you can learn to take care of yourself.
I don't think I could be apart from him for a week. I'm scared that if we do that, he'll run away and never come back. This was supposed to be me setting down ground rules and calling the shots etc, but he seems to know no other way to treat people. We are more equal now than we have been in the past, so I suppose you can imagine what it used to be like.
I thought being 'good' was lying down and taking everything and always saying sorry and always being blamed. Now if he is disrespectful or unfair about something, I tell him firmly and he always apologises in the end.
I would do all that if you want to be with me, then you must do this and this and this and you must show by your behaviour x, y and z, but it would never work. Or maybe it would but I'm too afraid to try. He says 'oh, you are not enough of a challenge' so I try and stand up for myself and he says 'I liked you better before you had balls.'
I am afraid if I send him off to make up his own mind, he won't choose me. I did do this and he professed to have chosen me and blah, blah, blah, but now already he is havering again. He is not ready for a relationship. This is fair enough- he can't help it. I guess the question is whether I am prepared to accept whatever the hell he is offering me. And if it is not a relationship, then I am going to have to sleep with someone else at some point soon, because that is the only thing that will hit home the fact that we are not technically together anymore.
Why can't it be easy and just one thing goes wrong at once? I was actually studying for once because I wanted to do well. Now all I can get is a D because I have to take resits instead of the actual exams. My parents are going to kill me. I'm not stupid or anything. This is shit. I don't even want to tell them, but how will I explain away that D? That would make them angry enough anyway, but when the only reason for it is because I fucked up on knowing the day of my exam, they will actually kill me. Everyone else seems to deal with the 'responsibility' (can we call turning up for an exam or not acting like a whore for once responsibility?) of being an adult perfectly well. I, on the other hand, am thick and stupid. AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA.
Thank you everyone for all the helpful posts you are making.