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Suicide
Former Member
Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
I hope this isn't too upsetting for anyone.
I posted a thread earlier this week about sending a sympathy card to my best friends family. My best friend died on the 13th.
I managed to get in contact with another friend of my friend to try and establish what happened as there were no clues and I was told by email - which I thought was rather strange seeing as we were so close. Anyhow, I found out that my friend hung herself - her phone was taken by the police for investigation and there was no other way to get hold of me. I'm so shocked - she wasn't the type that would suffer in silence and she always knew when she was a bit depressed and would go to the doctors for medication - usually prozac and she found they worked well for her. She never hesitated in asking for help, I used to spend many a night on the phone to her talking through problems. She was a very practical, logical and straightforward person, not someone I would ever imagine who would get so low as to feel suicide was the only way out. I'm sitting here wishing she had rung me, or at least given me a clue she was feeling so low. Up until the day before she was forwarding silly emails and I'd just assumed all was ok.
Anyhow, since the awful news I've been trying to get my head around it all - has anyone been in the same situation as me? How did you deal with it? How do you even start to get your head round it all - it seems like such a huge thing I don't even know where to start
Can you recommend any websites to help me out?
I'm only asking because in the UK generally death is something beyond your control - nobody knows what to say when the individual has made the decision to end their own life, some people (IRL) have ben particuarly insensitive. I keep going on auto-pilot and blocking it all out of my head but I know this probably isn't the healthiest way to deal with it all.
I posted a thread earlier this week about sending a sympathy card to my best friends family. My best friend died on the 13th.
I managed to get in contact with another friend of my friend to try and establish what happened as there were no clues and I was told by email - which I thought was rather strange seeing as we were so close. Anyhow, I found out that my friend hung herself - her phone was taken by the police for investigation and there was no other way to get hold of me. I'm so shocked - she wasn't the type that would suffer in silence and she always knew when she was a bit depressed and would go to the doctors for medication - usually prozac and she found they worked well for her. She never hesitated in asking for help, I used to spend many a night on the phone to her talking through problems. She was a very practical, logical and straightforward person, not someone I would ever imagine who would get so low as to feel suicide was the only way out. I'm sitting here wishing she had rung me, or at least given me a clue she was feeling so low. Up until the day before she was forwarding silly emails and I'd just assumed all was ok.
Anyhow, since the awful news I've been trying to get my head around it all - has anyone been in the same situation as me? How did you deal with it? How do you even start to get your head round it all - it seems like such a huge thing I don't even know where to start
Can you recommend any websites to help me out?I'm only asking because in the UK generally death is something beyond your control - nobody knows what to say when the individual has made the decision to end their own life, some people (IRL) have ben particuarly insensitive. I keep going on auto-pilot and blocking it all out of my head but I know this probably isn't the healthiest way to deal with it all.
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Comments
Im sure TheSite probably has a dealing with suicide section. Or somewhere like Samaritans site, Sane, Mind etc.
I second all of that. You can also phone the Smartians if you want someone unbiased to talk to.
Sometimes with depression people will put on a happy face and convince everyone that everythings okay when their falling apart (I know I do). You might feel better once you've been to the funeral, it might help you to accept things. Work through your grief in your own time as well. There are several grief consulling chartites/help groups you could use if you feel the need.
I've found a few bits on Ask The Site but think I might submit my own question and have a look at the SANE site and MIND.
I dont know what to say really just that you'll feel such a massive range of emotions. at one point you might feel angry, i felt quite angry at him for doing it because he caused so much upset and hurt to the rest of my family. but then i realised that he must have felt so bad at the time that it probably seemed the best thing for him to do, to get out of everyones lives. i think if you're severely depressed you just dont think properly.
I also felt like you did a bit guilty sometimes, I mean me and my mum had seen him a couple of days before it and he was laughing and joking, you might feel like you could have done something to help but if you didnt know she was feeling you couldnt have done anything.
The real life thing is hard too, i know what you mean about people being insensitive. i mean i told quite a few people who needed to know that my uncle had died, but i only told 3 people what actually happened. i dont think they mean too, people find it too hard to deal with and dont know what to say. even my best friend didnt.
I'm not sure what else to say really, just that i know what you're going through and am always free on PM if you wanna chat.
It's good to talk about how you're feeling though, talking about how you're feeling with mutual friends might help? It's worth thinking about giving some of the organisations people suggested a call, they're there to listen aswell.
You probably won't realise this now, but you should be really proud of yourself for talking to her on the phone and trying to help her with her problems. Like Firey says, you'll maybe feel a lot of different emotions and a bit all over the place, but that's totally normal and understandable.
Hang in there.
Speaking from experience, when you have depression you put on this amazing act with everyone and no-one but yourself truly knows the pain your hiding. So you should never blame yourself, ever. The mental and emotional pain your friend must have been going through was so great and that is why she did what she did.
Let me just try and explain abit. The pain and despair you feel from depression is so great I cant even put it into words, its worse than any physical pain. Its like soul shattering (if you believe in having a soul)
When you reach that point (that your friend got to) your not even yourself anymore, its like you lose the will to live the pain is so bad, and no-one and nothing can stop it. You are just completely broken inside.
But now, your friend is in a better place. So try and take peace in the fact that now she isnt in pain anymore and has finally found peace at last.
Im sorry for the people she has left behind who are now suffering. I hope I have explained it ok for you though.
I think submitting a question to Ask the Site would garner you a lot of invaluable advice and they'd be able to give you a lot of great information and refer you on to other sources of support. Give it a go. Take care of yourself xx
Take good care of yourself.
It must be awfully hard to get your head round, and you shouldnt even expect to be able to for a while. Just try and get through it.
I just wanted to suggest the smaritans maybe?
http://www.samaritans.org/ 08457 90 90 90
It might help to talk to them about your feelings
Please talk this through with someone.
xx
Thanks for all your messages, I really appreciate you all replying, especially Firey, it must be a difficult time for you. I had a look on AskTheSite but thought I would have a look at the Mind website which I have found really helpful, especially this page - seems to sum up exactly how I'm feeling. Thought I would post it up incase it is of use to someone else.
http://www.mind.org.uk/Information/Factsheets/Suicide/#The_effect_of_suicide_on_others_
I think an important thing to grasp is that it is not your fault. When someone commits suicide and there are no definite answers as to why, it's easy to think of things that you personally did or didn't do as being responsible, but thinking that will only make things harder and isn't true, it's just because there aren't any concrete answers. To start with you will probably feel confused and disbelief? I found comfort in chatting with a friend who knew the deceased from a different perspective rather than people we were mutually close to- if that makes sense? Maybe at the funeral you will find someone to talk about your friend and your feelings about her death with that knew them differently. Badly explained. Do you have anyone to talk things through with now?
You could not have done anything to help. You did everything that you could and you were clearly a really good friend.
PM me if you wanna talk ... although I'm off to bed now. I have my own personal grief today.
Loopi - everything you said made sense - thanks
xxx