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Losing the spark...
Former Member
Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
I've been with my boyfriend for nearly 2 years and I thought everything between us was going great. Obvousily things aren't as 'sparkly' as they were in the begining because we've been going out for 2 years but I kinda liked that new stage we'd reached in our relationship. Anyway he was acting weird the last few days and I asked him what was wrong and he said that when he'd gone out at the weekend a girl had told him she liked him and he said he doubted 'us' for the first time. He promised nothing happened and that he'd never cheat on me (and that's not the issue as I trust him 100%) but when I asked him what he meant by doubting us, he said he just missed the butterflies and excitement you get when you first get with someone.
Obvousily this upset me a bit and I said, "well what do you expect after 2 years" and he said "well is it such a bad thing to miss that" and I said, well yes, because I can't give him that new feeling anymore!
My heads just in turmoil now. He said he doesn't want to throw away what we have and that he loves me more than anything, but how can I be with him if he feels like he's missing something that I can't give him. I'm kinda happy being in this next stage but he obvousily isn't. I can't do anything in my power to bring that spark back. It just feels like the beginning of the end to me.
What's others advice on this? Has anyone gone through this before. Advice would be greatly appreciated
Obvousily this upset me a bit and I said, "well what do you expect after 2 years" and he said "well is it such a bad thing to miss that" and I said, well yes, because I can't give him that new feeling anymore!
My heads just in turmoil now. He said he doesn't want to throw away what we have and that he loves me more than anything, but how can I be with him if he feels like he's missing something that I can't give him. I'm kinda happy being in this next stage but he obvousily isn't. I can't do anything in my power to bring that spark back. It just feels like the beginning of the end to me.
What's others advice on this? Has anyone gone through this before. Advice would be greatly appreciated
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It sounds as if he feels stuck in a rut a little - in your situation I would be pleased that he felt he could talk to me about it rather than going off and doing something he would regret. At the end of the day communication is more important than anything else and it seems you have that...
Relationships are bloody hard work and at times I am sure everyone feels like bailing out - what you have to do is ask him what his expectations are with the relationship. I am sure he is not so stupid to think that the honeymoon period lasts forever, but what does he want out of life/love etc?
Perhaps you need to look at some different things to experience... take both of you out of your comfort zone and every day routine and mix it up a bit - whether that's a holiday, a hobby whatever - just something new for you to experience and get excited about together.
I know this is difficult but try not to get angry with him about what he has said, respect him for being honest and sit down with him to try and work things out.
Ultimately you both have to remember why you are together, what you love about each other and remember that the grass isn't always greener.
Good luck
x
He just send me a text saying he felt flattered and stuff that someone found him attractive and that's what he missed. I understand that cos sometimes when your in a couple you kinda forget to complement each other all the time and when someone new says your attractive it can be an ego boast.
The thing is I'm at uni (and bloody broke!) and being a student nurse my free time isn't exactly huge so finding new things to do together is difficult at times. I'm not trying to make excuses but it can be difficult. I'm just worried because last time a long term boyfriend gave me this talk I put loads of effort into doing all new exciting stuff then 2 weeks later he still broke up with me!
It was after 2 years aswell and a girl told me she liked me. It just felt really nice to have someone else like you, it was exciting and I loved the thought of it. I tried to fight it off and stay with my girlfriend for a few weeks, but this girl (who was new at my school) had started to become friends with some of mine so I always saw her.
Eventually I broke up with my girlfriend for this girl, it didn't help that me and my girlfriend were always arguing aswell and we never really did anything exciting anymore.
first off, two years is a fucking long time so I have a lot of respect for sticking with someone that long
It sounds like your boyfriend really loves you but may be getting cold feet a bit (how old is he, and you ?) and because he's met someone else he has that spark with maybe he just wants to feel that again because he knows that you and him can't get that back ..
i dunno hope i helped slightly
But then I know there is a undercurrent of surge and spark that still remains, and it can just be that we don't connect somedays when we are together and connect on days that we do.
I know that when you have been with someone for ages things do become a bit plain but I am constantly reminded why I have been with him for so long: he's my soulmate.
Anyway, im rambling on.
Just enjoy and remember what kept you together for so long. Sometimes me and the bf just talk about when we first met and stuff which makes things more real and current.
I've taken people's advice and we are arranging to do something a little special next week, like go away for a few days. We've had lots of talks about what we want out of the relationship etc and have come to the conclusion that we both really love each other, but sometimes things get a little 'samey' and when that happens we need to make a little bit more extra effort. Think we'd just kinda got a little routiney, but luckily I think we have both noticed it before it's too late.
Thanks again for all the advice and just generally putting my mind at ease a little
This is how it went with my last girlfriend and I: she treated me like a bitch all the time (I'm not assuming this is the case with the two of you) and I was constantly trying to avoid making her angry at me. Although I loved her to death, it got old and eventually I just stopped trying to keep her happy, because I felt it was a pointless struggle that I would always lose. A few months later I got the "I only feel friendship anymore" speech after one big fight. To her surprise, I admitted the feeling was mutual.
It may seem scary, but consider taking a break. I regretted not doing it; time apart could have saved our relationship and made her much less controlling.
I don't know if you read my reply posts to this thread or just the original one, but we have had lots of talks and it's not that we annoy each other or don't find each other attractive, we just didn't make an effort to do as many special/different things together. We've been friends for 4 years beforehand and I think last week was just blown out of proportion a little. I don't think how much you realise you love each other until a problem arises, and then you really appreciate it.
Thanks anyway for your advice
Let me not to the marriage of true minds
Admit impediments. Love is not love
which alters when it alteration finds,
or bends with the remover to remove:
O no! It is an ever-fixed mark
That looks on tempests and is never shaken;
It is the star to every wandering bark,
Whose worth's unknown, although his height be taken.
Love's not Time's fool, though rosy lips and ckeeks
Within his bending sickle's compass come:
Love alters not with his brief hours and weeks,
But bears out even to the edge of doom.
If this be error and upon me proved,
I never writ, nor no man ever loved.
I accept your sonnet and raise you a quote from Captain Corelli's Mandolin;
'Love is a temporary madness. It erupts like an earthquake and then subsides. And when it subsides you have to make a decision. You have to work out whether your roots have become so entwined together that it is inconceivable that you should ever part. Because this is what love is. Love is not breathlessness, it is not excitement, it is not the promulgation of promises of eternal passion. That is just being in love which any of us can convince ourselves we are. Love itself is what is left over when being in love has burned away, and this is both an art and a fortunate accident. Your mother and I had it, we had roots that grew towards each other underground, and when all the pretty blossom had fallen from our branches we found that we were one tree and not two.'
I did the same to my boyf of 2 years. I'd started really liking someone else and I just didn't feel the same in my relationship anymore- to me, the fact that I was looking elsewhere was a very clear sign that things had run their course. It isn't the same for everyone, so I'm not saying you'll definitely split by any means. Just remember that people do change and what they want becomes different. Either you need to work together to get round that or it might be time to accept that your relationship has come to the end of its natural life. Either way- I hope it works out for you and you're happy