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To leave, or not to leave?
Former Member
Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
Hi 
I have a bit of a sticky situation, which I am not sure how I can get out of.
Bit of background.....I live with my boyfriend of just under 4 years, in a flat we brought together 6 months ago. Stupidly, I was having doubts about our relationship before we actually moved in, but I'm a pretty fickle person, and thought I was just being silly. He already owns a quarter of the home due to the big deposit he put down. I had nothing to put in. We both pay the mortgage each month etc etc.
Just after we moved in together, I found a picture on his laptop... it was pornographic, which I normally have no problem with. However, this one was of two women, but one of the woman's faces had had my best friends face put over it. When I confronted him about it, he said he had tried to put my face on the other picture, but it hadn't worked. I didn't believe this. After a couple of days giving him the (very) cold shoulder, he had the cheek to tell me I was being stupid to feel upset. Was I? I don't think so!
Anyway... my situation is... I am stuck. If I leave him, I have nothing. I also force him to move out because he cant make mortgage repayments on his own, and he has nowhere to go either.
And... I have totally and utterly fallen for a close friend of mine. To the point that it is going somewhere. Which, in any other circumstances would not happen. I hate cheats, and have always sworn I would never be one. But I dont feel happy with my boyfriend anymore. Again, am I just being fickle? Out for the chase of a new man... just bored of the one at home? I could be walking out on a pretty set up life... the boyfriend... the home... etc. Not for my friend though, may I add! For me.
Please, please help!
:banghead:
I have a bit of a sticky situation, which I am not sure how I can get out of.
Bit of background.....I live with my boyfriend of just under 4 years, in a flat we brought together 6 months ago. Stupidly, I was having doubts about our relationship before we actually moved in, but I'm a pretty fickle person, and thought I was just being silly. He already owns a quarter of the home due to the big deposit he put down. I had nothing to put in. We both pay the mortgage each month etc etc.
Just after we moved in together, I found a picture on his laptop... it was pornographic, which I normally have no problem with. However, this one was of two women, but one of the woman's faces had had my best friends face put over it. When I confronted him about it, he said he had tried to put my face on the other picture, but it hadn't worked. I didn't believe this. After a couple of days giving him the (very) cold shoulder, he had the cheek to tell me I was being stupid to feel upset. Was I? I don't think so!
Anyway... my situation is... I am stuck. If I leave him, I have nothing. I also force him to move out because he cant make mortgage repayments on his own, and he has nowhere to go either.
And... I have totally and utterly fallen for a close friend of mine. To the point that it is going somewhere. Which, in any other circumstances would not happen. I hate cheats, and have always sworn I would never be one. But I dont feel happy with my boyfriend anymore. Again, am I just being fickle? Out for the chase of a new man... just bored of the one at home? I could be walking out on a pretty set up life... the boyfriend... the home... etc. Not for my friend though, may I add! For me.
Please, please help!
:banghead:
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Comments
I wouldn't do anything in haste every relationship goes through ups and downs, but sometimes things just don't feel right any more and you both might have changed a lot in four years and just simply grown apart. A new person on the scene is bound to confuse things even further. But if you walk away from this relationship you might end up regretting it.
Have you told your boyfriend how you are feeling? I think it would be a good idea for you to get a few days to yourself to think things through and hopefully make a decision thats right for you!
For me, I can quite understand why you would seek someone new if you feel your relationship isn't working. Most people would do this (I think). However, you should think careful, so far all you've found is some picture he has manipulated. Cheating on him will likely totally end your relationship!
It sounds like things are getting too much for you and you are finding it hard to decide whether or not your relationship is worth hanging on to. I'm sorry to hear things have got to this point, but it's good to see you are finding support here.
Working out what you are getting from the relationship other than a home is really important here - you say:
What do you mean by 'nothing'? Do you mean emotionally you will have nothing, or materially? Unfortunately, a house etc in itself is rarely enough to maintain a healthy, happy relationship. The thing is - if that's honestly all that is keeping you there, then it's not a good idea to kid yourself that he wouldn't be able to cope without your mortgage repayments. There are plenty of viable options - and although not ideal - things would work out on that front if you decided that the relationship should end. What I'm trying to say is that you shouldn't feel responsible for that side of things.
Other than the incident with the photo - which I completely understand why you're are upset you - you haven't told us much about how things are with your boyfriend, but maybe it's a case of needing to spend more 'quality' time together? Often the stresses of everyday life can get to us and prevent us from appreciating the people closest to us. Going on dates, or a holiday, or just sharing something could make the difference. As for the photo issue, I think it's important for him to accept that he upset you, and not belittle you for your reaction.
However, if you feel that everytime you do things together, you end of feeling down, or arguing, or just generally fed-up then maybe it is time to move on. Obviously only you can decide this - but you know - no-one can over-estimate how difficult such a decision is - or how tough it can be. On the other hand - some people find it to be a relief to move on from a relationship that they feel is bringing them down.
I hope you start to feel more positive soon. Take good care of yourself
there is no point staying in a relationship that you don't really want to be in. but you can either work at whatever is wrong in your relationship or get out of it.
wouldn't the person who you like let you crash at theirs until you get sorted if you both really like eachother?
maybe you just need a break from it all for a week if you can aford it?
good luck
good luck..:thumb:
***Helen***, with regards to your question, what did I mean by "I'll have nothing", I meant materially. Also, there are many other things that have made me feel thi way, other than the picture. I don't feel appriciated, in that I do alot around the house, but also as a person. He only really has negative comments about how I look unless I ask for his opinion. I then get the obligatory "you look fine".
I sound so negative... he isn't awful to me. We still have some nice days together. And he's not abusive in his nagativity, he just likes to be honest. Which is fair enough really. :-)
I just can't see myself with him in the long term. Which, I guess, answers my own question! I just would feel so awful if the bank won't let him have the mortgage on his own. That really is the only thing holding me back now.