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The case of the nostalgic ex (or ex-related nostalgia)
BillieTheBot
Posts: 8,721 Bot
:nervous:
I know this has been done to death - and will sound really callous, considering - but, have any of you maintained close relationships with exes? Do you think it's healthy to do so?
My first love was the son of a bloke I worked for in an Austrian ski resort when I was 16/17. He was just beautiful, and crazy and like none of the idiots I'd ever met at school and so on... and I went arse over tit for him. I cringe when I think back on our bad behaviour and general obsession with each other, but I also kind of... miss it. Anyway his Dad sacked me, essentially because I never turned up for work and all that bollocks. I stuck around for a bit but eventually had to move on (to Switzerland) because I couldn't get another job around there and couldn't stay with him as the demon dad was constantly on the prowl. We stayed in constant contact for aaaaages, as a couple I suppose but both nicking off with other people since we obviously weren't actually together. I guess it wasn't a relationship rather just refusal to let go and move on properly, while definitely moving on in some ways.
Anyway we drifted apart and I almost forgot about him by involving myself in new man-related catastrophes. But I've been back in touch for about 18 months now. He emailed me out of the blue and we've been having a bit of craic etc. If there has been one person who has ever seemed like the other half of the whole for me then it's this fella. We were so young and stupid and could barely understand what the other was saying but it was just... fantastic.
Now don't get me wrong. I'm happy in my relationship now, we're going to be parents and I'm under no illusions that I can do a moonlight flit with Mr Austria. I know that it's nostalgia. I just wondered if anyone else feels these absolutely crushing thoughts of what was and what might've been? I've talked all this through with my boyfriend as he's had his fair share of... interesting experiences, too, but he doesn't get it. Maybe I'm just feeling a bit wistful. I lived a lot in my teenage years and knew a lot of people and in one way that makes me feel so, so ready to be putting down roots of a sort at what is considered to be quite an early age. But he hasn't changed at all, and when he sends me snapshots of us with our friends from what is almost 5 years ago now - I feel pretty upset that that life didn't work out for me. Am I a crazy hormone? :razz:
Does anyone else wonder about what would've happened if they'd done this or that (or hadn't, as the case may be)? I know it's pointless, I don't need to be told that. Surely it's human nature to wonder what if. Maybe it's just old age and the feeling that nothing's ever going to be carefree again. I feel awful saying all this :nervous:
I know this has been done to death - and will sound really callous, considering - but, have any of you maintained close relationships with exes? Do you think it's healthy to do so?
My first love was the son of a bloke I worked for in an Austrian ski resort when I was 16/17. He was just beautiful, and crazy and like none of the idiots I'd ever met at school and so on... and I went arse over tit for him. I cringe when I think back on our bad behaviour and general obsession with each other, but I also kind of... miss it. Anyway his Dad sacked me, essentially because I never turned up for work and all that bollocks. I stuck around for a bit but eventually had to move on (to Switzerland) because I couldn't get another job around there and couldn't stay with him as the demon dad was constantly on the prowl. We stayed in constant contact for aaaaages, as a couple I suppose but both nicking off with other people since we obviously weren't actually together. I guess it wasn't a relationship rather just refusal to let go and move on properly, while definitely moving on in some ways.
Anyway we drifted apart and I almost forgot about him by involving myself in new man-related catastrophes. But I've been back in touch for about 18 months now. He emailed me out of the blue and we've been having a bit of craic etc. If there has been one person who has ever seemed like the other half of the whole for me then it's this fella. We were so young and stupid and could barely understand what the other was saying but it was just... fantastic.
Now don't get me wrong. I'm happy in my relationship now, we're going to be parents and I'm under no illusions that I can do a moonlight flit with Mr Austria. I know that it's nostalgia. I just wondered if anyone else feels these absolutely crushing thoughts of what was and what might've been? I've talked all this through with my boyfriend as he's had his fair share of... interesting experiences, too, but he doesn't get it. Maybe I'm just feeling a bit wistful. I lived a lot in my teenage years and knew a lot of people and in one way that makes me feel so, so ready to be putting down roots of a sort at what is considered to be quite an early age. But he hasn't changed at all, and when he sends me snapshots of us with our friends from what is almost 5 years ago now - I feel pretty upset that that life didn't work out for me. Am I a crazy hormone? :razz:
Does anyone else wonder about what would've happened if they'd done this or that (or hadn't, as the case may be)? I know it's pointless, I don't need to be told that. Surely it's human nature to wonder what if. Maybe it's just old age and the feeling that nothing's ever going to be carefree again. I feel awful saying all this :nervous:
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Comments
This is exactly it. I know it's just a phase, it's just a bit of an... overwhelming feeling at the minute. It's gotta be the hormones!
I think I feel an added layer of thwarted romance because his Dad essentially ended the relationship, the git. It's good to know I'm not the only person who ever has these thoughts, though it is probably pretty awful and cruel to have them when you actually are in a happy relationship with a real future. Honest!
MoK - it's definitely a case of weighing up the "haves" against the "could've hads". I know what I have is invaluable, but I'm not daft enough to think that it's the only way my life could've gone.. or even the "ideal" way if such a way exists. Does that sound really crass and heartless?
Aw. Your sensitive side is showing, hide it quick
Yeah it's definitely a case of over-thinking things. I've got a lot more time on my hands and I've sort of had this weird feeling that I need to reconnect with the important people from my past as some kind of peace-making habit. God knows why. I'm happy to take the lot I've chosen/been given, I think maybe this is the "freak out" stage of knowing that I've basically mapped out the next 18+ years of my life
It's not awful at all, it's just natural. I get these thoughts and I'm sure everyone else in the world does lol despite their marital situations, you can't help it. The important thing is that you recognise that it's just a phase and that you're in love with your guy, and happy about your future together.
Not to me it doesn't - at least not if you look at what you have now and are happy with it. If you aren;t then I would be worried.
TBH I was always taught that we regret the things which "could have been" more than the things that "actually are"...
Thanks for that
Yeah I would say that's true. You could probably quite easily go nuts wondering to what end a situation might've come. But if something ended badly you'd get over it a lot more easily, if we'd split up acrimoniously then I'd be dying to forget it. I guess the reason I dwell on this more than other past relationships (apart from the git sending me photos of when I was 16 and without a bloody care in the world!) is that it never came to a natural resolution. It is absolutely asking to be made into a book :razz:
But yes, we remained friends and still do though we barely keep in touch these days mostly due to her not having enough time for anything much with uni, work and her boyfriend.
I dont think i need to remind any one of afew months back when i was posting many threads aking for advice about a girl who seemed to do nothing but mess me around all the time... well, i didnt listen, we do keep intouch and i do miss her, but not as much as i did then.
I think it's totally normal to look back and wonder. First girl I was with, it was sheer puppy love, but at the time it was the real thing. It was just such a carefree time, like you get in films where they don't seem to have to worry about paying the rent on time or what to have for tea that night. Everything was just so lovey dovey, but it had to end eventually and it did. This was about six years ago now, and I always wonder what might have been. I know she's back home having a baby in August and she's with a nice lad, but I've always sort of needed to move away and explore different places before settling down. Wouldn't have worked out, but it was just the most amazing 4 months of my life, seriously.
Most of my exes for the next few years were a bit unstable and/or excitable, so things didn't work out there. I then had a thing with a lovely girl I met off here last year, it was really romantic too. I think it was another puppy love thing, but at the time we'd properly fallen for each other. She lived literally at the other end of the country, and we had a big falling out in Brighton and that was the end of that. We're still great friends though, we love ach other to bits and I'd give my left ball for her to be happy and settled with somebody because she deserves it so much. I didn't actually think I had it in me to be so friendly with somebody I was wanting to be with so badly, and actually hoping she finds happiness with somebody who can make her happy. I do still miss our togetherness and the whole dreaming about the future together bit though.
It's only natural briggi, so long as things stay as nostalgia and aren't much more than a daydream then you're fine. Memories are there to be cherished :yes:
I have some big regrets from previous girls. One girl I feel so guilty about. I broke up with her unfairly with the old 'I just don't want a relationship' line, and then commited the mortal sin of kissing her again one drunken night. She thought that was us fixed but sadly it wasn't, and I really hurt her. Always felt like such a cunt for that one because she was the nicest girl you could ever hope to meet. She got together with someone else shortly after that and they've been together ever since. I'm happy for her, and I've grown up alot since way back then (5 years ago).
Last girlfriend was my most serious one. We had a good relationship and were very close. But we split up because we went to different universities and it put alot of strain on the relationship. I suppose that's the one I look back on thinking about what would have happened if we'd not been apart because of university. We made a fantastic couple, loved spending time together, but we rarely speak now because it's very difficult. Both moved on and we'll probably never really share anything again. Shame how things sometimes work out.
I suppose when you're the victim of circumstance rather than just say, the person being a cunt, then you tend to look back more.
Damn you Briggi opening these old wounds.
But as people have said, it's just nostalgia. I suppose these past events have just helped to shape your life up until now and made you the fine person you are. Everything has built to what's happening now. And if you're happy with what's happening now, then just be happy with the past too.
You've hit the nail on your own head :razz: - any kind of relationship good or bad that doesn't have proper closure can send your head spinning.
What you've described happened to me when I was 19 - in that instance it was the git of a mother who got in our way