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Friend's Dad Died
Former Member
Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
in General Chat
A friend told me yesterday that one of our friend's dad has died. I really think I need to call him or something, but I don't know what to say 
He is quite a private guy, I've known him for years, but I rarely get a glimpse of what he's really thinking or feeling, he hides a lot of it behind jokes and general boisterousness. He only told one friend about his dad, and it happened at the beginning of March. Ugh.
Any advice would be greatly appreciated. Should I call him? Just send him a card? I don't want to make him feel awkward if I call and he doesn't want to talk.
Helen, is there one of those useful thesite factsheets on this? I tried having a quick look but wasn't really sure where to look.
He is quite a private guy, I've known him for years, but I rarely get a glimpse of what he's really thinking or feeling, he hides a lot of it behind jokes and general boisterousness. He only told one friend about his dad, and it happened at the beginning of March. Ugh.Any advice would be greatly appreciated. Should I call him? Just send him a card? I don't want to make him feel awkward if I call and he doesn't want to talk.
Helen, is there one of those useful thesite factsheets on this? I tried having a quick look but wasn't really sure where to look.
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Maybe in a week or 2 you could phone him and ask how he is.
I didn't call him, I'll send him a card as soon as I have time to find one and et him know I'm thinking of him and remind him he can call me if he wants.
Anything to let them know you're there for them and you're thinking of them would be well received. I think our house got a signed card by my friends saying sorry for our loss, still somewhat impersonal though. It's an undescribable thing you go through, the world literally does end for you, and you have to start afresh. It's lonely, scary, you're trying to be strong for your family, and want to spend time with your friends so you know you're not alone.
But they're too scared to make the first move, and I really didn't feel like getting out there. My girlfriend at the time was very supportive though, but probably took too much of my grief on to herself. So, be there, be nice and supportive and do give hugs (well, I live off of hugs, so maybe not applicable to everyone), but don't cling to them like they're your newfound bestest mate and you're going to do everything in the world for them, going round and having their conversations for them, explaining in advance to everyone you meet that you're 'delicate', because at the end of the day, in my experience, I wanted to try to get on with my life without people trying to sort it out for me, like I was suddenly incapable of anything...
Although people might disagree here, it's similar in some ways to a really bad breakup, you're not going to be upset by a friend who lets you know they're thinking of you, and that there's a cup of tea waiting anytime you fancy.
Beceause everybody deals with it in different ways, the best thing you can do is mention the fact that your friend has you sympathies and then carry on as you usaully would. If they want to talk to you about it after that then let them spark up the convo.
This is very well put - I lost my Dad last January and it was the hardest thing I have ever had to deal with. People do have a very mixed response in these situations and the fact is, no-one ever knows the right thing to do because frankly there is no right or wrong in these situations.
Show your friend you are there for him, as much as texts may seem a little impersonal they mean a lot more than a card - he would understand why you opted for that rather than a phone call.
The worst thing anyone can do is to 'cross the road' so to speak - it is never going to be easy when you do finally speak to him but remember it is harder for him than it is for you.
I remember when my Mum started going out in the weeks following my Dad's death... she knew it was going to be hard as lots of people didn't know (it was very sudden) but it was something she had to get over. She remembered what had happened a few years ago when a girl from my primary school lost her Dad. This girls Mum was in the supermarket and Mum went straight up to her and offered her condolences and support - this woman turned around with tears in her eyes and thanked my Mum for not avoiding her... although it wasn't easy for either of them the last thing someone needs is to feel they are being treated like an outcast.
Sorry for the ramble, the main thing is to reiterate what other people have said - just make sure he knows you are there
when my dad died, i wouldnt have appreciated a call or a card, just a text
cards will probably be flooding in, and when something like that happens, your head is so cabbaged, it doesnt register who the card is from, you just add them to the pile
just send a simple message saying you heard about his loss and if there is anything you can do, give you a call
that way, if he needs to talk, he wont feel a pussy for pickin up the phone
You may want to read this article, it mentions how important cards are to people who are grieving.
Losing a parent
Everyone is different though, some people like to have them to look over when months have passed.
It is hard to speak to someone who's lost someone, but the worst thing can be when your phone goes all quiet. Say you are so sorry to hear about it and don't be scared to ask questions, often people want to talk about it. Even if you say, 'I bet the funeral was incredibly emotional', it will then give him a chance to talk, if he doesn't want to elaborate then he won't, but at least it will give him the chance to do so.
so true...i know everyone is different, i was just saying how I felt
of course, there is nothing wrong with sending a card, i didnt tell her not to, but they are often overlooked at the time so sending a text as well as a card will validate that she is there for him here and now
also, she said he is quite a private person so i dont think gushing over him would be appropriate, but again, thats just an opinion
at least with a text, the ball is in his court, he knows she's there for him and can call her, but she isnt being over bearing
edit: just noticed it happened at the beginning of march! wow, he really is a private guy, will you not be seeing him in person anytime soon?x
That's the key (just make sure you give a number in case he hasn't got it)... anything more wouldn't be appropriate if you weren't that close before hand and it gives him the option to follow up if he wants to.
Hmm, quite a few opinions on the subject. I had wanted to avoid text as it seems so impersonal, but there are a few of you who have said it's good, so I might send a card and then a text a few days later as a sort of follow up.
It's quite hard to explain what our relationship is like. We were at school together, and relatively close (we went out together at one point) but like I said, he is a very private person and I've never felt that I've known him properly as he tends to hide behind jokes and a 'funny' front. Having said that, I don't think I'm not a close friend of his, I just think he lets very very few people in. We didn't see each other as much when we were at uni, so it's not unusual for several months to go by without hearing from him, which is I think why I didn't know until now. So it's not really like I'd be not contacting him because his dad died (and it's not something I'd do anyway), I just wanted to know what other people thought about the best way to make contact first.
Think I will go with a card and a text.