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Fear of rejection
Former Member
Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
I feel so messed up - I'm ruining all my recent relationships with women because of my fear of rejection.
Like anyone else I have had my own share of bad experiences, rejection (by people I've fancied) and rejection inside relationship (when my ex cheated on me). These experiences have left me cynical about women's intentions and suspicious about their actions.
I don't like being messed around, nobody does but I feel like I know don't know the difference between irrational paranoia and genuinely being treated badly. I'm not sure how anyone can help, I just need to know what is reasonable. Moreso, I also feel like I make these irrational paranoid thoughts come true!
Thing is - these irrational thoughts are making me react quite badly and do some strange things. Such as my (kinda of) girlfriend meets up with some male friend (who she tells me used to fancy her and stopped smoking for her) and my reaction is to say "good luck" and "bet something happens between you". But surely, even the most rational and trust boyfriend would have some slight twinge to this! Or is it just me?
Like anyone else I have had my own share of bad experiences, rejection (by people I've fancied) and rejection inside relationship (when my ex cheated on me). These experiences have left me cynical about women's intentions and suspicious about their actions.
I don't like being messed around, nobody does but I feel like I know don't know the difference between irrational paranoia and genuinely being treated badly. I'm not sure how anyone can help, I just need to know what is reasonable. Moreso, I also feel like I make these irrational paranoid thoughts come true!
Thing is - these irrational thoughts are making me react quite badly and do some strange things. Such as my (kinda of) girlfriend meets up with some male friend (who she tells me used to fancy her and stopped smoking for her) and my reaction is to say "good luck" and "bet something happens between you". But surely, even the most rational and trust boyfriend would have some slight twinge to this! Or is it just me?
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Sorry to hear about your situation. I think feeling paranoid about such things is only natural when it comes to someone you care about.
How long have you been with your girlfriend for? If it isn't too long then i would give it some time. Trust is something that develops and as the two of you become closer the more you will begin to trust her and hopefully the paranoia will disappear.
I still feel paranoid at times in my relationship but at the end of the day you cannot never be in a relationship because of the fear of getting hurt. If she fucks you over it's something you have to accept and move on from. It makes you who you are and makes you stronger.
As for her male friend, firstly why on earth has she told you that he used to fancy her, is she trying to cause an argument or spark some jealousy?
If i am meeting a guy on my own my fella would be a little wary and uncomfortable with the idea, however he would trust me.
Sit back and relax, if something is going to happen, there is nothing you can do about it. Enjoy the relationship for what it is now and i hope it works out for the best.
Sorry if this hasn't been useful to you, i may have gone off on one
I disagree. I don't believe there should be any paranoia if you're with somebody. Trust should come out over anything like that, so it being natural isn't right.
Unless I misunderstood your point...
I mean the fear of losing someone to someone else. I sometimes worry about that, not through lack of trust but just through the possibility of it happening. I trust my BF and feel that he wouldn't ever cheat on me, but you hear so many stories that it makes you think what if. I suppose a reality check always helps the situation.
I thought that any person that had someone that meant a lot to them would worry about such a thing though at some point.
Maybe you are right i don't know, that's just how i feel at times, i probably still didn't make any sense to you in what i just said
But you contradict yourself there. If you trust him there should be no paranoia of him meeting somebody else etc etc.
This is going to sound so patronising, but I think this is probably something you will become more comfortable with as you get older and thus more secure in yourself.
Yeah i did contradict myself a little. It's just a hard thing to explain.
As to your second comment, probably so. Due to my age i probably do feel a tad vulnerable.
Anyway this is about me
This is the reaction of my girlfriend. She says that she would not feel even the smallest amount of worry to me being out socialising with other women. This confuses me - as I thought such irrational fears were normal when you had strong emotions for someone (exclusively for them too).
In my particular case. I have somewhat more of a right to feel worried. She isn't really my girlfriend, but insists on calling us 'friends'. Althought she reassures me that I am 'different' than just any average friend, that I should trust her to be good and that she would tell me if she ever changed her mind. She has had problem with men in the past, she is starting to think I am just like the rest of them. Paranoid, controlling and obsessive.
I don't honestly know if she wants to 'take things slowly' or she wants to 'play the field' (and be free and single to be with others). We don't know each other so well really and taking out time seems reasonable but...
...back to my problem with rejection. I would rather end things early (and risk loosing something potentially good) than be hurt months from now. It's a shitty reaction. Also, I would rather be with someone I didn't like so much, as loosing them would hurt less or not at all.
As for the rejection issue. There is no way of avoiding getting hurt in life. Whether it is due to relationships failing or the death of people close to you either way it's going to happen at some point and your not alone in that.
Like i said earlier it makes you stronger and those relationships that don't work out you learn from.
I understand your reasoning for ending it under those circumstances but you cannot go on living like that. You have to take the risk, like you have already establish it could be something potentially good and because of that fear you are missing out on a lot.
Just remember that hurt doesn't last forever, in time it heals and especially with break ups you move on.
:no:
I would say this is the case if you have insecurity issues.
:yes: It does sound like this is a big part of the problem. You are unsure of where you stand and don't really know if she wants an exclusive relationship with you. If you're feeling brave you could ask her if she's interested in something more with you. There's a chance she's just not ready for that yet, but either way you'd probably be better off knowing.
As for the rejection - the following Q&A from the askTheSite archive may be of interest:
Regular rejection
Take care
then you go 'I knew it, I'm a loser' when you would have been fine it you didn't worry so much in the first place.