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Really Screwed Up and Not sure
Former Member
Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
I will talk with my boyfriend when we can get together. I haven’t seen him since Tuesday and he rarely (once a month deal) calls or returns my phone calls. It’s just been some high school activities, work, and college during the night taking up my time plus his activities.
I really don’t know where to start. We have been dating for little over a year now and this is my first relationship while he’s dated other people in the past.
The first problem is that I feel like I’m his mother and not his girlfriend. I have to nag him to find a job, apply to college (which he hasn’t done fully), find a car, get his license, and stuff like that. I hate it and I want to stop, but when I don’t get on his back for something important like filling out some forms that are due in March to the college, I’ll find out that he won’t do them. I feel awful because I had to resort to blackmail to get him to do as much as he has done for furthering his education.
The second problem is that I don’t feel like he wants the relationship as much as I wanted it. If we see each other beyond me taking him to work, it’s because either I or his friend arranged it. He rarely calls me or talks to me when I’m online (which I don’t count). Then there was the issue of Mark. Mark went psycho when I commented on a friend’s blog and started harassing me by saying stuff like “I hope you die.” My boyfriend told me when I was upset over it that he “didn’t care and didn’t want to be involved.” He then later involves himself later by siding with the friend and joking around with him. Maybe I’m over sensitive, but what kind of message does it send when my boyfriend is okay with his friend saying that my death would make him, the friend, glad?
Then there's the bit where I'm slightly jealous of what his friends describe his "best friend" at work. Apparently they constantly hang out and I know nothing about it. He never mentions her to me when I ask about his day, but all of his friends' start telling me about her and stuff. That could be explained because he might be worried I might mention something to his friend's girlfriend because it sounds like Anthony likes the girl and the girl likes Anthony.
Adding to this is that I probably have depression as I have the classic signs and about 2/3 of my close family members (sisters, cousins, parent, aunts, uncles) have it. I really don't want to bother with the whole medication part of it as it seems too much work and I don't think that I have it that bad.
Any thoughts on the situation?
I really don’t know where to start. We have been dating for little over a year now and this is my first relationship while he’s dated other people in the past.
The first problem is that I feel like I’m his mother and not his girlfriend. I have to nag him to find a job, apply to college (which he hasn’t done fully), find a car, get his license, and stuff like that. I hate it and I want to stop, but when I don’t get on his back for something important like filling out some forms that are due in March to the college, I’ll find out that he won’t do them. I feel awful because I had to resort to blackmail to get him to do as much as he has done for furthering his education.
The second problem is that I don’t feel like he wants the relationship as much as I wanted it. If we see each other beyond me taking him to work, it’s because either I or his friend arranged it. He rarely calls me or talks to me when I’m online (which I don’t count). Then there was the issue of Mark. Mark went psycho when I commented on a friend’s blog and started harassing me by saying stuff like “I hope you die.” My boyfriend told me when I was upset over it that he “didn’t care and didn’t want to be involved.” He then later involves himself later by siding with the friend and joking around with him. Maybe I’m over sensitive, but what kind of message does it send when my boyfriend is okay with his friend saying that my death would make him, the friend, glad?
Then there's the bit where I'm slightly jealous of what his friends describe his "best friend" at work. Apparently they constantly hang out and I know nothing about it. He never mentions her to me when I ask about his day, but all of his friends' start telling me about her and stuff. That could be explained because he might be worried I might mention something to his friend's girlfriend because it sounds like Anthony likes the girl and the girl likes Anthony.
Adding to this is that I probably have depression as I have the classic signs and about 2/3 of my close family members (sisters, cousins, parent, aunts, uncles) have it. I really don't want to bother with the whole medication part of it as it seems too much work and I don't think that I have it that bad.
Any thoughts on the situation?
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Comments
You seem to have a lot on your plate
Firstly - you don't have to nag your boyfriend. His life is his responsibility, and if he wants to waste time by not applying to college properly, or find a job, that's his problem, not yours. I know you might feel like you're responsible but if he has someone constantly pestering him about it, it might cause him to resent you (and you him, as you feel like his mother). Seriously, it can be difficult, but if he doesn't apply to college and surprise surprise doesn't get in, that's his fault. Don't turn it into a situation where he can later on not blame you for not pushing him further. Does he even want to go to college?
I know it's a hard question to ask yourself, but maybe he doesn't want the relationship, and is just 'coasting' along with things because it's easier for him, making the situation unbearable for you so that you can break up with him? Given that you've mentioned his lack of incentive in other parts of his life, do you think this could be the case? I think the situation over the harrassment you got isn't a good indicator either I'm afraid. I wouldn't expect my boyfriend to go and kick someone's arse, but I'm sure he'd at least be supportive and ask if I was ok.
I wouldn't say having female friends is a problem, which I don't think is actually the issue with you, I think it's more to do with the fact that he makes the effort for her, and hides it from you? That's not something I can really advise on rather than discussing it with him in terms of your entire relationship.
I think out of all of this, the most important thing is your health. There are lots of treatments for depression, you don't have to take medication, but it's best to get a diagnosis and see what your options are first.
HTH.
You say you last saw him on Tuesday, whens the last time you spoke to each other?
Theres no point being in a relationship when youre putting in all the work, you deserve to be with someone who gives you something back.
Exactly why are you still with him..?
Apart from that, go away has given you some good advice.
But now Mark is causing more problems and I think I have to give my boyfriend an ultimatum. I don't like drinking and I hate people who drink themselves to being drunk and from what I understand, that's all Mark does. I don't want to, but I don't see any other way. Mark said that he and my boyfriend had been drinking (doing shots) and that my boyfriend had passed out at the bowling alley (our friends received a picture in a text of my boyfriend laying on the ground, face down, in what they think is the bowling alley.
I'm scared for my boyfriend too. He once said that I was the only thing that stopped him from drinking and becoming a drug addict and I don't want him to go down that path if we broke up. However, I can't keep on doing this.
He did call yesterday, but our friends (the ones who received the text) that I was pissed because he doesn't ever call me back and he claimed that he never got the message. However, his mom is usually good (95% of the time in the past) about giving him messages from me. His brothers are iffy, but they still usually give him the message because they'll make fun of him. He also didn't seem like he was suffering from a hangover(if he had passed out, I'd assume he'd have one, but then I'm not familiar with alcohol) and was upbeat and stuff.
And I don't know what to think. It sometimes feels like I'm selfish and I need to have all of his time and then sometimes it does feel like he's just coasting. The whole bit of the friend is really where I think the relationship became strained.
As for the relationship, it wouldn't bother me if I knew. It's more just another sign pointing that he doesn't care.
I guess I really don't understand why I'm so scared now. Why I used to be so happy and so strong. Everything was great and now everything going downhill.
it sounds a bit like hes been neglecting you a lot and it doesn't sound like you are having too much fun and you should be having fun in a relationship ! have you spoke to him yet about the fact you feel like you're always nagging him?
Try to think about what made you so happy last year and try and get that back . Sometimes relationships run its course and its sad but if he's making you really unhappy then maybe your better off alone ..
hope that helped a bit, x