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continuation from my last thread

Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
in Sex & Relationships
okay, so if you read my last thread you'd know that i'm currently having a difficult time with my ex. not really with her, but more with myself. anyway. i'm currently trying to figure out what to do in the next year. i'm considering moving 500 miles to her area and trying to make things work again. thing is, i was never around much teasing, as her family did/does to me. they mean it as a form of acceptance. i dearly want to make things work with her and get along well with her family. i just haven't learned to really 'get' the teasing thing. i feel we'd be pretty well together if it weren't for that one thing. i tend to be a naturally serious person and take things to the heart, even though i know it's just a joke. does anybody have any advice or could possibly point me in the direction of some websites or something that would help me learn to understand/deal with this more. i'm going to be getting a job here and working for 52 weeks straight before i consider moving so i will have lots of time to deal with this if need be. okay, thanks in advance for any advice.

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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    God knows - I'm one of the 'teasers' in life. Me and my friends and fmaily take the piss out of each other all day long.
    But we never say things we mean - it's all just a laugh. Give as good as you get. If you can laugh at yourself then no one can laugh louder. Look at the joke itself as a joke, not as a dig against you.
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    thanks for that. i just think it'd be silly to not be with her because i couldn't learn to deal with a situation.
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    anybody else got any input?
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    My friends are also 'teasers', they take the piss out of people as a means of being friendly, they don't actually mean the things they say. Though I'm perhaps a bit more sensitive, and do take some of the stuff they say to heart. But just remember they don't mean any of it! Just stay assertive and don't be afraid to give as good as you get, as long as it's still in a light-hearted way :p

    It certainly shouldn't get in the way of a relationship with someone. Perhaps you could mention it to the girl in question that you're not keen on it, and when you're with her family she may be able to cut it out a little bit. But I wouldn't make too much of a big thing out of it, just take it on the chin.
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    i have let her know that i don't like it and she just told me that that's how her and her family are and that i should just deal with it. and she said that my problem is that i need more confidence. i try to come up with something good to say back but they just laugh at everything and tell me i have a shit sense of humor. so it's like i can never get a leg up. but usually i just get frustrated and take out my anger on her and call her a bitch ect. which makes me feel relieved and makes me feel better about myself. and i know that's bad too. but i haven't seen her in 3 months. she does like 500 miles away. so whenever i would stay at her house it was like i had to try and adjust to the teasing right away since i would only see her a couple times a year for a few weeks at a time. i think that i just hate being embarassed and it makes me frustrated. i would also never know what would be appropriate to say back either. they would say stuff like "your tits will be at your knees by 25" ect. to each other. and i guess in retrospect it all sounds very silly as to what i got mad about but at the time it really hurt. i also felt like our relationship was very one-sided and that she never put in much effort. i feel she needs to grow up a bit, and that i need to learn to deal with the teasing. maybe then we'll have a shot. but if we tried to be together again then i feel that we wouldn't work out at all.
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    i also felt like our relationship was very one-sided and that she never put in much effort. i feel she needs to grow up a bit

    Been there, done it mate. Know how you feel. If they lack the effort, its worth considering what she wants from it all and also what really are you getting out of it? In the past, I've hada few just like that (with the effort lark i mean) ultimately, it doesn't work out. It sounds to me like your putting alot of effort in, if shes not putting in her fare share, well... I'd say you need to be careful dude. Also if your constantly paranoid about the way her family and friends interact with you, is that really the sort of thing you want to put yourself through within a relationship? It's already hard enough keeping both parties happy. The thing is, people like this, there not going to change for you unless 'they' themselves feel uncomfortable. Shes obviously not :sour: If its they're way of socializing generally you couldnt blame them.

    anyway good luck, hope it all works out for ya!
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    yeah one of the reasons we broke up is because she wasn't ready for anything serious. and in all fairness, i have treated her poorly, but only out of frustration and lack of knowledge of how to respond to some situations. she said it was because here at home i'm never challenged and that when i'm put into a situation that i don't know how to react to i just get frustrated and lash out. and i'd have to say that's true. i think if i could learn to deal with their situation i think we could work out. but i'd also want her to put in her fair share and make some compromises. i don't want to be bending to her will like i have. like i said earlier, i think she needs to grow up a bit as well. she would do things like pour water on my lap and pinch me constantly and other childish things which i tired of after a very short amount of time. she's also told me about all these things she wanted to do to me but she didn't because "she's nice". things like spitting in my mouth and putting a penny in my mouth while i was asleep snoring on my back with my mouth open. or kick me in the balls while i'm laying down. sometimes i wonder if she really would do those things or if she's just joking. i never really fancied her sense of humor and often found it offense and hard to tell if she was kidding or not. but actually while i was out today i thought about things and thought that i really don't need her to be happy. for the longest time i had always counted on her to do that and all i got was let down and ultimately hurt. she's already moved on and thinks we didn't work out and we should be friends but it'd be nice if we got back together eventually. i'm still stuck on her and wish we could be together all the time and my whole deal is trying to save up for a year to move to her area and try again. although in the back of my mind i feel like it will be all for nothing and end up a big failure with us hating each other and me stuck 500 miles from home. i guess i will just have to see how things go over the next year.
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    also yeah, she has never given me a gift or card or anything for any occasion, ever. and yeah, i am paranoid and scared to the point that before i call her on the phone or talk to her online i get nervous and jittery because i'm worried she'll say something that offends me and it'll turn into some arguement or such.
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Your scared to phone her? I mean, it shouldnt be like that dude. Do you really think its worth working out? It sounds like your digging yourself a hole, an the further ya dig, the harder its gonna get to climb out of. Alot of girls dont like the seriousnes of a relationship, they're usually the best ones to stay away from, though on occassion they just need breaking in ;) Is she your first girlfreind/love by any chance?
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    yes, we're each others first bf/gf, real relationship, first intimate everything. (i had a gf breifly in middle school and we kissed a handful of times but i don't really count it). but yes, i say our lack of relationship experience as well as the 500 miles between us and the lack of time we have to talk about things really compounds our situation.
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    It sounds a strain. I tell you the thing about first love, it sends you delusional. Not saying your there yet (ive been there), but if I were you mate, from what I've read, I'd start to look elsewhere
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    i'd really really like for us to work out because i've put in so much effort and time and money that it seems like a waste to not try anymore. but yeah, i think time will heal the past problems and let us both grow as people. and hopefully in a years time we'll both have a better idea of what we both want and go from there. and yeah, believe you me, i've had my bouts of craziness. i've driven myself mad thinking too hard about her. since my last job was stocking frozen foods, often without much talking to other co-workers i'd end up dwelling on her/us for long periods of time. was such a shit job, not even allowed to wear headphones, had to listen to shit pop music all through the night. no wonder i started stealing from there. haha. but i don't know, i just don't know where it all went wrong. it used to be so good. i think she just doesn't think it's worth the effort to try anymore and i'll have to convince her that it is. and that's the part that bums me out the most because i love her to pieces. i just don't want her to give up.
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I really don't get your relationship. She lives a gazillion miles away. She acts like an imature weiner. Her family are weird and can't tell another person's personal barriers enough to not take the piss when you don't want to join in their banter. She does things that make you mad as hell. She makes no effort with you. She lives a gazillion miles away. Am I missing something? I think you need to leave it, not move a gazillion miles to be with her, find someone else that you actually like.
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    haha, but i was really happy with her for a long time. i don't know what went wrong. and still through all the things that are wrong, i still wish to be with her and keep trying to make things work.
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    also in all fairness she has put up with alot of my shit. i happen to have a bad habit of saying things i think are arbitrary and then hurting her feelings unintentionally. any tips on correcting that besides thinking harder before i say/type something?
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    update. i thought i might as well just squeeze this into this thread instead of making a new one. along with learning how to deal with the teasing, i need to figure out a way to stop hurting her feeligns unintentionally by saying things i think are arbitrary at the time. this usually happens because talking on the internet leaves tone of voice and context up to the reader. i just want her to belive me that i really do care and want us to work, but i keep hurting her feelings and i really don't mean to. and i feel like i keep digging my own grave by doing it. also does it seem shitty that i've joined adult friend finder because she said she's not going to wait for me and she will go out with some other guy if she really likes him? i wouldn't have done it if she had said she was going to wait for me like i had said. but since she has said that, i feel like i shouldn't have to be without anything while i'm waiting to get back to her. i'm pretty sure she won't end up going out with anybody, but i don't want to feel shitty if she does and i don't as well.
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