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Am I being played?
Former Member
Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
Hi, I've got another dilemma that needs an answer...
Me and my boyfriend had been living together for 5 months and went on a break (his decision) on New Years' Eve. We had to keep a certain amount of contact up as my pet rats are still at his place, and he'd text or phone me occasionally to ask for information on looking after them. But anyway basically apart from that, he said he wanted complete no contact.
He's a bus driver and on Monday (8th) he had a shift that would mean he'd be in my town at a certain time, for a few minutes. I went to meet him and give him some stuff for the rats that he'd asked for, and ended up staying with him on the bus and chatting. We got on really well. When I was due to get off and go back home, he asked me to go back to his place - at first I said it wouldn't be a good idea, because we'd end upo arguing (I actually thought that he'd want sex but then maybe not want to get back together afterwards and I'd feel used), but ended up going back anyway.
Long story short, we did end up sharing a bed and 'you know' and afterwards, started talking about what we each thought that night had meant. I said it was "just sex" (trying to cover up my real feelings) and he said it was "how it used to be". He said he did still love me and wanted to try again.
I ended up staying at his house for 3 nights, coming home yesterday afternoon. Since then he hasn't been in touch - apart from when I send him a text message asking something, and I'll get a very short reply back - it seems like he doesn't want to speak to me.
He's also refusing to tell his family and friends that we're back together (they all got involved in the break up) and as a result, I have to pretty much go into hiding when I stay at his house - not leaving the house, making sure his mother (who lives opposite) doesn't see me and if anyone notices the lights on when my bf is at work and asks him about it, he says he left them on by mistake, instead of admitting I'm there.
It's very embarrassing and makes me feel awful. When I've asked him to admit to people that we're back together, he says he will, but "needs time".
I went to meet him for a chat yesterday evening, and he wouldn't give me a straight answer when I asked how he was feeling. Kept asking when he'd tell people about us, and he eventually said that tomorrow he'd tell his friends that I'd stayed over a few times. (not that we were back together...)
I got a text from him this morning, saying "I'm not asking for much but we've got to bide our time with this". I was confused by this so I phoned him. Eventually he said he doesn't see us as back together, didn't regret sleeping with me and we've got to take it slowly - because I keep pushing it and pressuring him by asking questions all the time.
I said I couldn't have sex with him again until we're a couple again, and he said "well next time you stay over, don't ask me to come upstairs. I'm happy on the sofa anyway". To me, there's no point me staying over at his place if we're not going to have sex!
Anyway I'm just so confused by all this. After Monday (the first night he asked me to come back to his house), I did sort of feel like we were back together. I spent 3 days there and it felt really comfortable, he was calling me babe and the names he used to, I sat with my legs across his lap watching tv...he asked me to come and wash his back when he had a bath - it was like we were doing all the 'couple stuff' we did before. So to find out he still doesn't see us as a couple is a bit gutting.
I want to know what he wants - whether he wants us to hang out as friends, me to stay over sometimes as a friend and nothing else, whether he wants 'just sex' or if he doesn't want to see me until he's ready to get back together properly...but whenever I ask him, he says I'm asking too many questions and pressuring him - then we end up arguing.
Do you think he has genuine feelings but is just unsure about how everyone will take us getting back together/whether he trusts me enough yet, or is he playing me?
And how long do I wait...is he really worth waiting around indefinitely for?! Am I being unreasonable to want answers?
Please reply, going slightly insane here!
Me and my boyfriend had been living together for 5 months and went on a break (his decision) on New Years' Eve. We had to keep a certain amount of contact up as my pet rats are still at his place, and he'd text or phone me occasionally to ask for information on looking after them. But anyway basically apart from that, he said he wanted complete no contact.
He's a bus driver and on Monday (8th) he had a shift that would mean he'd be in my town at a certain time, for a few minutes. I went to meet him and give him some stuff for the rats that he'd asked for, and ended up staying with him on the bus and chatting. We got on really well. When I was due to get off and go back home, he asked me to go back to his place - at first I said it wouldn't be a good idea, because we'd end upo arguing (I actually thought that he'd want sex but then maybe not want to get back together afterwards and I'd feel used), but ended up going back anyway.
Long story short, we did end up sharing a bed and 'you know' and afterwards, started talking about what we each thought that night had meant. I said it was "just sex" (trying to cover up my real feelings) and he said it was "how it used to be". He said he did still love me and wanted to try again.
I ended up staying at his house for 3 nights, coming home yesterday afternoon. Since then he hasn't been in touch - apart from when I send him a text message asking something, and I'll get a very short reply back - it seems like he doesn't want to speak to me.
He's also refusing to tell his family and friends that we're back together (they all got involved in the break up) and as a result, I have to pretty much go into hiding when I stay at his house - not leaving the house, making sure his mother (who lives opposite) doesn't see me and if anyone notices the lights on when my bf is at work and asks him about it, he says he left them on by mistake, instead of admitting I'm there.
It's very embarrassing and makes me feel awful. When I've asked him to admit to people that we're back together, he says he will, but "needs time".
I went to meet him for a chat yesterday evening, and he wouldn't give me a straight answer when I asked how he was feeling. Kept asking when he'd tell people about us, and he eventually said that tomorrow he'd tell his friends that I'd stayed over a few times. (not that we were back together...)
I got a text from him this morning, saying "I'm not asking for much but we've got to bide our time with this". I was confused by this so I phoned him. Eventually he said he doesn't see us as back together, didn't regret sleeping with me and we've got to take it slowly - because I keep pushing it and pressuring him by asking questions all the time.
I said I couldn't have sex with him again until we're a couple again, and he said "well next time you stay over, don't ask me to come upstairs. I'm happy on the sofa anyway". To me, there's no point me staying over at his place if we're not going to have sex!
Anyway I'm just so confused by all this. After Monday (the first night he asked me to come back to his house), I did sort of feel like we were back together. I spent 3 days there and it felt really comfortable, he was calling me babe and the names he used to, I sat with my legs across his lap watching tv...he asked me to come and wash his back when he had a bath - it was like we were doing all the 'couple stuff' we did before. So to find out he still doesn't see us as a couple is a bit gutting.
I want to know what he wants - whether he wants us to hang out as friends, me to stay over sometimes as a friend and nothing else, whether he wants 'just sex' or if he doesn't want to see me until he's ready to get back together properly...but whenever I ask him, he says I'm asking too many questions and pressuring him - then we end up arguing.
Do you think he has genuine feelings but is just unsure about how everyone will take us getting back together/whether he trusts me enough yet, or is he playing me?
And how long do I wait...is he really worth waiting around indefinitely for?! Am I being unreasonable to want answers?
Please reply, going slightly insane here!
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Comments
Somewhere in the middle of your story he said he still loves you and wants to try again, and you call it into question and nag about, come up with your homemade faulty conclusions and/or recrimninations.
I don't see much future, if you don't learn how to settle things easy... Your relationship is swinging like a pendulum, taking outbreaks in both directions, and instead of stopping it, you are giving it more and more momentum until you are kicking shins and throwing plates again...
I want someone to say I'm being unreasonable and naggy, I'm just worry I'm being played and I'll get used for sex.
I'll edit this once I read your problem correctly.
ETA - Ok. He's got his cake and is eating it here love. Get out. He's got you fannying about around his gaff giving him a shag here and there but he doesn't want to proclaim his happiness etc. Has he said WHY he wants to take it slow?
It's an endless circle. The more you behave like that, the more probable it is that he is put off by you and it might appear he is using you for sex, the more you get upset and naggy, the worse it gets, etc.
If it's not already too late I adivce to break out of that... Some things just get better by letting grass grow over it, instead of discussing it to death. I learnt that the hard way myself
The last thing he said was "this affects everyone". I don't agree with that - by everyone, he means his family. I'm not their favourite person (its a long, complicated, awful story that I explained in my last post) so I can see why he'd think that if he got back together with me, it would cause hassle - but it was only a few days ago he was saying he would tell people "eventually", and if they thought that he was only back with me because he's a soft touch or I'm pregnant (to whoever asked yes I am pregnant, but only 7 weeks atm), it wouldn't matter to him because it's nothing to do with anyone else. So it sort of seems like he's just coming up with excuses.
The last few texts I got from him; I sent one kind of explaining how I feel, how its not fair to ask me to back of but give me no clue as to how he's feeling, how long I'm supposed to leave him to it for or if he wants complete no contact, or to stay in touch as mates. He didnt reply so I sent another one saying I can't do it anymore...it's over etc.
He finally replied, saying "ok it's ended. You dont need to text me anymore do you". I was a bit gutted at that, and said theres no need to be a dick about it.
The last text I got form him a few minutes ago, said "You've made up your mind. You won't give me a chance to make up mine".
So now I'm even more confused. He refuses to discuss anything to do with 'us', so my instinct is saying he's playing me/stringing me along.
But then on Monday (the first night I went back to his after a 9 day break), he sat next to me on the bus, kissed me and asked if I wanted to go back to his. I eventually agreed and when I got back there, he said he'd sleep on the sofa and I could have the bed. I asked him to come upstairs (although I said I didnt want anything to happen). He's not really *that* into sex - what I mean is, he went 2 years before me without sex, and when we were together he'd be fine if I didnt feel like it...so it's not like the usual guy you'd expect to be using you for sex. Although I guess it could be the intimacy/cuddling he's after more than anything?
I don't know, it's just so confusing.
Do you mean that on Monday he might have been thinking about 'us' again and the possibility of us being together (he did say he felt totally comfortable with me being there, as opposed to the last time I'd stayed, where he'd felt really awkward and didn't really want me there), but then I fucked it up slightly by nagging and 'pressuring' him (which is how he sees the way I'm acting). Its all good and he realises he has feelings and we get on, then when I question him, he starts thinking maybe it's not such a good idea that we get back together?
Because that kind of makes sense...I can see why he'd be frusttrated. He is quite laid back and hates arguments and I'm more into knowing *exactly* what's going on and why. He's said he's rubbish at expressing his feelings, so why i keep trying to get him to do that is beyond me! :rolleyes:
I'm being so stupid...
You need to back off HUGELY and re-attach your spine love, as this is a road to nowhere. However we've told you this again and again and it hasn't seemed to sink in so far, it's all becoming muddied with the addition of a child (or at least a pregnancy) into the equation - can't you see that this has been bad news from the beginning? You got rid of one seemingly insurmountable problem [going bu the name of Wendy] and things STILL aren't good. You're on the inside so you probably know better than I do, can you honestly see any way of making this work? I can't, sorry.
Last night Phil asked me if I'd let him see the baby if we weren't together, and I said of course I would - I want him to be involved. Then I wondered if that was the reason he was keeping me on-side. He said it wasn't.
To be honest, the pregnancy thing is one of the reasons I don't think we should be together.
I worded it badly last night and said that I didn't think he'd make a dad (which upset him, he said I had no faith and always think badly of him), but what I mean is, babies can make a relationship, but more often they break it. And I'm not sure that we'd be strong enough as a couple to survive a screaming baby, lack of money and no sleep. The thing is, Phil doesn't realise that I've got stuff spinning around in my head. I want to be with him, but I'm not sure I ever can - but I don't want to just cut him out of my life.
If we could stay mates and meet up as friends for a bit without even thinking about the relationship side of things, I'm sure it'd ease the pressure and help us both work out what we want. I just don't know how to word it and tell him that, because everytime I try he takes it the wrong way, and see it as me pressuring him.
Any of that make sense?
PS - there's also the fact of his jealousy; I met up with my ex last night before I saw Phil (my ex is saying he still loves me..etc - but is blatantly just trying to get into my knickers) and because there was nothing in it, I told Phil. He got jealous and pretty much all he said for an hour, was "go back to steve...he obviously wants you", asking if I had feelings for him and going on about the fact steve picked me up in his car, drove me all the way to stafford just to talk. I didnt see it as a big deal, but imo phil's got no right to be jealous, seeing as we're not together at the moment! He says he doesn't want anyone else, but if he doesn't want me atm why have I got to sit around and wait for him to call me?!
ETA: briggi, I see what you mean. Believe it or not, the relationship WAS better after the Wendy thing, and we were getting on great. Most of the disagreements (if I'm honest) have been caused by my insecurity and by me trying to get him to talk. I know he's not great at expressing his feelings, so maybe I should just learn to deal with that. But the way I see it, is if I'm making compromises and agree to give him space for now, learning to control my moodiness/temper and cutting down on the amount of 'talking about us' I do, couldn't he bend a little too and agree to open up once in a while? It doesn't have to be a lot, just the odd yes or no when I'm asking him a question about the relationship would do!
I can see us working, if I calm down and back off a bit and we BOTH decide we want to give it a go. I think part of the reason I'm being so pushy, is that I still see us as 'together', not split up. It's his birthday next Saturday and I wanted us to be together then, doing something like couples do - go out for a meal or something. Instead we'll be spit up and I won't get to spend the day with him. It's stupid stuff like that I'm focusing on, instead of looking at the big picture and thinking "ok, so we're not together now but hopefully we'll have lots more christmas/new year/birthdays together" so one doesnt matter.
Oh one last thing (sorry) - last night Phil said he was "excited and dreading at the same time" me being pregnant. Which is kind of how I feel - scared to death, but excited and pleased. I think that's good in a way, because it shows he IS interested in being a 'proper' dad to this little one. I feel like I want to talk to him properly about how he's feeling about me being pregnant, because we haven't really mentioned it - but I don't know if it's too soon (I AM only 7 weeks, after all!) and I have no idea how to bring the subject up, in case he feels like I'm pressuring him again. Any ideas?
All I know is he's said he's "loving the idea" of me being pregnant, what he said last night and got really annoyed/upset when I brought up the subject of abortion. I'm not into it but was trying to get a feel for how he'd feel, and he said that abortion shouldn't even cross my mind. Not sure if that's a good reaction or not?
He sent a text earlier making snide comments about my ex, Steve (I met up with him yesterday, but told Phil about it cos there wasnt anything in it). There's no need for that surely?
I might earn some criticism on that, but you need to figure out how to live by yourself alasia. You are putting things in question, which are no problem. Things that other people would not even notice, because they are so mundane. Every text, every thing is analyzed to death.
We aren't in a relationship with phil. We may give advice, but it seems as if we are controling you, have to tell what you have to do. Boil your eggs 3 or 4 minutes, have tea with milk or rum.
I might go as far to say that you might be in dire need for some kind of therapy, at that pace you'll end in the madhouse. Each day is full of troubles so you need to write essays to thesite. This is definitely not the way to go. Maybe you'll realize all that if it's finally over with phil.
Yeah... It's not meant to be a chore... There would be no reason then to be in a relationship.
It's like.... breathing was so so difficult that you had to concentrate on it so much, that you can't do anything in your life but lying on your back and conentrate how to breathe. There is no sense in such an existance and no sense in such an relationship where everything is a question, a doubt, a problem...
You said it already so often with the breaking up thing...
Fact is, you probably neglected your other friends like hell because of phil... tear out this chapter out of your life and pick up where you've been before getting to know phil. It's the only thing I can imagine is a solution to this.
I know I keep saying I'll split with him, but everytime I say it I mean it. Then I start to think about how we are when we're getting on (believe it or not, we do have weeks and weks where we don't argue and get on great!) and I change my mind.
I have to keep in a certain amount of contact with Phil purely because I'm pregnant with his child (and he wants to see it).
And I do love him. More than anything and more than anyone I've ever been out with before. He says he still loves me too, but can't/won't get back together yet. I can understand that it would seem like he's going back on his word (I should think he and his family slagged me off a lot, because of what I did).
The thing is though, this split wasn't because our personalities clashed or any other reasons we've split before - it was me fucking up big style. Something that can be changed and I do think it's worth it, because before the split we were getting on amazingly well.
I think I just need to calm down, focus on myself and leave Phil to it for a bit. Get on as friends like he wants to, and if he still hasn't made up his mind in a couple of weeks, then I'll definitely finish it. Until then I won't be over analysing everything he says or does!
That sound like a plan?
My eyes are bleeding and my desktop wooden pannel has my gnaw marks on it.
I told you already what I had to tell you.
All I caught was the "That sounds like a plan?" when pressing the replying button, and I wouldn't even answer to it, when I knew what it was referring to, because that's like trying to cut your kids sugar intake, but reward him all the time with some kind of sweets.
It has to stop and you know it. Start to make your own decisions and don't let others run your life.
To be honest, it sounds like SHE is the one confusing matters for the most part.
Personally I don't think this is anywhere CLOSE to an ideal situation to be bringing a baby into the world, and with all that has gone on - back and forth, I would have gone for a termination... That is a whole different can of worms ready to be opened though.
If somebody was as overly analytical as this girl, I would have run a mile long ago - but this pregnancy is hanging over it.
Also - if you had any serious thoughts about sorting this out, you would not be going and kissing your ex...
Honestly - some people do themselves no favours. I'm with StrubbleS on this.