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I can't stop stalking the girl I'm obsessed with
Former Member
Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
Hi guys,
You may remember me from before as the 24 year old who's never been kissed nevermind had a girlfriend, despite being a 'successful' Cambridge grad, likeable and very popular.
*story removed, my identity is too obvious*
You may remember me from before as the 24 year old who's never been kissed nevermind had a girlfriend, despite being a 'successful' Cambridge grad, likeable and very popular.
*story removed, my identity is too obvious*
0
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As for your friends telling you advice, are they the same friends of hers that you befriended? ever think that maybe the advice is coming right from her but she's too polite and nice to tell you personally for fear of hurting your feelings?
i wish you luck in getting past your problem.
I really admire you for being able to admit that you're obsessed with this girl. It sounds like you have some good friends who are trying to offer advice, but clearly it's causing more frustration than help.
Coping with unrequited affections is something many of us are familliar with, and as you say it can be really hard to understand why one person may be more appealing to the person we adore than ourselves. One thing that people tend to agree on is that a mutual connection is really important and although you may have the basis for a good friendship with this girl, if the spark isn't there, then it can't be forced. It's also worth bearing in mind that if there was any chance at all that this girl was to find you attractive in the way that you would like then there is probably no way that she could maintain her place on the high pedestal you have put her on.
You may find this article useful in helping you to think about things and this article about obsession in the Lover's guide. These is an emphasis on celebrity obsession in this article, but if you read it carefully you will find there is lots that is relevant to you too.
Alternatively you may like to write to one of our relationships experts at askTheSite.
Hope this helps
I'm guessing you'd feel pretty uncomfortable. He's your friend and you know he's a nice guy, but it's just never going to happen the way he wants it to. Why not? Simply because there's just no spark there, the idea of a relationship with him just doesn't appear to you... nothing he does will make you change your mind and give it a go, right? And although you wouldn't want to hurt him by saying it to his face, I bet you wish he'd bugger off sometimes. I bet you'd sigh when your phone rings and you see it's him again, I bet you'd feel uncomfortable when you gave you yet another present, I bet you'd like to sit at a party in the knowledge that no-one was staring at you and looking daggers at whoever you were chatting to.
Then turn that round and realise that's how you're making her feel. YOU are making her feel like that. Is that how a friend should behave? Is that how you should treat someone you profess to care about? Yes it is going to be hard to stop your behaviour, but you're the only one who can stop it, and you owe it to this girl to do it. At the moment you're unhappy because you can't be with her, and you're driving yourself crazy thinking about why not; and she's unhappy because you're lavishing all this unwanted attention on her. Then you say you've tried avoiding her and it tears you up... but by doing that you made things a lot better for HER. You have to accept that to stop this behaviour it'll be very hard for you and put you through a lot of suffering, but you'll be alleviating her suffering and making things a lot easier for her.
I hope this doesn't sound too harsh because really I'm just trying to encourage you to see things from a different perspective, which will hopefully give you more willpower to make the change you know you need to make. You're addicted to this girl like a druggie is addicted to heroin, and if he wanted to give it up then it would be absolutely horrible for him for a relatively short period of time in relation to the rest of his life living without his addiction. You need to give up this girl and it will be hard but in the end it'll be worth it.
How to actually go about it is a difficult question, but the only concrete answer I can give you is that everything must come from within your head. You can avoid her all you like but if you're still thinking about her 24/7 then it's not going to get any better. A good start I think is to cut as much contact with her as possible - delete her from your friends on Facebook, delete her e-mail address and her number, stop going to parties deliberately to see her (only go if your close friends, rather than the ones you made to get close to her, are going). You CAN stop yourself doing these things, you're not going to enjoy it but you can do it. And if you stick to it, over time you will notice a change, because it simply isn't possible to obsess about someone to the extent you're doing now when you don't know their every movement. Even if it's only a small change, at least it'll be a step in the right direction, whereas carrying on like you're acting now is not going to make anything better, and could end up being a complete disaster.
I wish I had a fooproof answer for you but I hope that was a little helpful at least.
Interesting perspective you put there wildchild. Tbh I don't think she does feel that bad about this situation, she says she feels bad but I don't think it concerns her, she seems able to lead a simple happy existence and ignore all troubles.
On a side note I do wish everyone would be more liberal and not so fussy/picky, why not just give things a go! Like wildchild you say if a guy friend really liked me, and really wanted to pull me, yeah I'd pull them! And I'd date more than half the female population my age, anyone who's not incredibly unattractive there's potential for, why does it always have to be a case of 'unrequited love'...I'd probably be content with just a drunken snog at a club but I can't even manage that when there's less attractive, less outgoing people all around me getting lucky...I'll stop rambling now.
If she doesn't if you carry on then you're gonna push her away and lose her compleeeetely.
If anyone cares, a quick update on what happened since. Well I tried my hardest to move on but just couldn't, couldn't bear to think she may get with another guy, so was still following her around, at the same parties night after night. She started to become more hostile, till one night she confronted me, I burst into tears and confessed it all, she seemed quite shocked and ran.
She contacted the Police, I was questioned, had to go to Court, and now have a restraining order. With the subsequent criminal record, I have been fired from my job where my salary was £106k, and am not eligible for any bonus having worked really hard all year.
So I remain 24, single, a virgin, having never kissed a girl in my life, the laughing stock of an important social circle, and now have a criminal record and will not be able to get another job in my industry (you can't have a crim record in it).
If this was America I would have a gun and would have happily shot myself by now. As it is, I'm too scared to jump off the top of this building due to the chance I may not actually kill myself.
Mobs
There are people that care for you and want to help you, even us lot on a message board.
It probably doesnt seem like it now, but i think things will get better for you. You'll just need to re-build your life. Think of it as a fresh start?
Ten years down the line you'll look back at this and think what a mistake it was, but I promise you you won't feel as bad as you do now because now is the very lowest of the low. It can't get any worse, only better, so you might as well stick around and see what's on offer! To put it lightly. But seriously, your situation seems very bleak now but how could it get any worse? So you might as well try some new things, and if they don't work out, at least you won't have lost anything.
There's a saying, "Sometimes when a door in our life closes, we stand for so long looking at the closed door that we don't see that another has opened."
Maybe that opened door is a chance for you to try something you've always wanted to try, but haven't felt able to because of friends, family, work commitments, the fact that you have a well-paying job and wouldn't want to risk it, etc. Maybe you've always fancied moving to a different country, travelling the world, turning a hobby into a job? Well here's your chance, a perfect chance to try something out with absolutely nothing at risk.
Try and look for the positives in this situation rather than the negatives, of which there are undoubtedly many - but there are positives too because there always are in everything. You just may have to look very hard. Maybe there isn't something you've always wanted to do - but maybe you should try something really different anyway and you'll find you love it. Who knows? There's just no point wallowing in negatives because like it or not, this is the way your life has turned out, and if you don't put a positive spin on it then no-one will do it for you.
Either you can try and make the best of it or you can sit around wishing you were dead for ever, and that's not going to be a whole lot of fun. You might as well risk trying something else and then if it doesn't help, you're just back to wishing you were dead, so what's to lose? Honestly you can make things better for yourself, but you have to want to. You have to try. Best of luck.
If I were over there right now I'd say let us go to a pub and ferment ourselves while having a nice, open conversation. I find that usually helps out.
Really I think that courts don't quite get the picture with restraining order, it should really be probation on condition medical help is sought.