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Why doI let this happen?
Former Member
Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
I stupidly shagged my supervisor at the weekend, when he has a girlfriend. I didn't regret it at the time because I'd liked him for ages and the feeling was reciprocated however when I asked why he's with his girlfriend he said "it's comfortable. On Off comfortable."
I seem to do this with people I have amazing chemistry with, I sleep with them and then I feel used because they either lose interest or go back to an ex. Or in this case, has a girlfriend. He wants to continue this in secret and although the thrill of it all was tempting to begin with, after I've had time to sensibly think about it, he's just wanting his cake and to eat it too.
Clearly what man would want to dump their girlfriend when their bit on the side is giving it up no strings attached.
This isn't the first time I've let myself become used and I know I'm going to have to sit him down and tell him that I don't want to continue this unless he's single. It's a bitch because I realllly like him and if he were single it'd be amazing.
Do I give him an ultimatum? At least then I'd know where I'd stand. What does "being comfortable" mean anyway?
Sorry I know it's long I just needed to get this out.
I seem to do this with people I have amazing chemistry with, I sleep with them and then I feel used because they either lose interest or go back to an ex. Or in this case, has a girlfriend. He wants to continue this in secret and although the thrill of it all was tempting to begin with, after I've had time to sensibly think about it, he's just wanting his cake and to eat it too.
Clearly what man would want to dump their girlfriend when their bit on the side is giving it up no strings attached.
This isn't the first time I've let myself become used and I know I'm going to have to sit him down and tell him that I don't want to continue this unless he's single. It's a bitch because I realllly like him and if he were single it'd be amazing.
Do I give him an ultimatum? At least then I'd know where I'd stand. What does "being comfortable" mean anyway?
Sorry I know it's long I just needed to get this out.
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Comments
and how would you ever trust him?
I think you should give him a wide berth.
You're PhD student, right? I want to say something positive but I think you should do something to protect yourself (and getting your PhD). I think most Universities have some kind of policy about such relationships, they would consider his actions as something wrong (you are his student).
I know this isn't the kind of advice you wanted, maybe something of more practical issue. Have you considered discretely telling your 2nd supervisor or thesis advisor? You need the support of your supervisor and it needs to come from professional working relationship. He will be the one to approve your submission to thesis pending. I find 'managing' my supervisor stressful enough, so the added complication of your supervisor wanting to a 'secret' sexual relationship is going to add a lot of extra stress for you. You should tell someone so that the University can support you, especially if this jepordises your research!
Err, sorry to be so negative!
you knew he had a girlfriend but slept with him anyway?
how would u like it if the boot was on the other foot? and some tart was doing your fella?
anyways, as most people have said, he obviously has no respect for you OR his girlfriend, so isnt worth worrying over, jib him off
sorry if this post is negative, but while your not quite the pond scum he is, you are wrong for sleeping with another woman`s fella
As for what you should do, I wouldn't issue ultimatums and I wouldn't have tears and tantrums. You've had sex with someone you shouldn't- for both emotional and professional reasons- and the best thing to do is draw a line under the whole thing. He isn't going to leave his lass for you- you are just a convenient pussy- and if you don't grasp that quickly you're gonna get badly hurt.
You could be spiteful and report him to the university, but that would be a little bit foolish as you could end up with serious problems. You should be looking to get a new supervisor though, otherwise your work could be thrown out if anyone ever finds out.
Just keep your head down and don't shag anyone else that could damage you emotionally and professionally.
ETA: Even if its a supervisor at work, the same things stands. It's not normally a good idea to screw the crew, especially if they're taken, because you're just asking for a shit reputation and loads of grief.
i`m just not into dishing out sympathy to people who put themselves in situations like this, she knew he had a gf when she slept with him but still chose to do so....
i think deep down, halloween knows the score, she knows that nothing is gonna come of it, and she should just cut her losses and jib him off, no ultimatiums, as i doubt she would like his choice
also, she says this isnt the first time she`s been in this situation i think she needs to learn from her mistakes, and fast, before she gets hurt
but by her own admission she keeps doing the same thing over and over which isnt wise surely?
either she secretly likes the drama, or has her head in the clouds as far as sex and men go
if you`re gonna sleep with men who are involved, you have to expect some sort of fall out, realistically
I personally don't think this is helping the matter.
Halloween asked for advice, not a lecture on morals or the rights and wrongs of her life.
I think the best thing that could be done is to forget about this and move on as it is now you that is creating the drama, not her.
Halloween, I have nothing else to add to what people have already suggested. Hope you're ok though, chick.
HUH? I could be totally wrong but I think Halloween is an undergrad actually, and she's talking about the supervisor at her part time job (bar work if I remember rightly). I think the problems are personal life ones rather than anything to do with work complications or thesis submissions... If I'm mistaken then I apologise unreservedly :razz:
As for the actual problem, I think what most people have said so far is bang on the mark. He is either in an open relationship (which I doubt as my experience in these situations tells me that his girlfriend probably considers things to be a lot more "on" than this "on/off" that he is chuntering on about) and therefore all is hunky dory as long as you just want to get your rocks off... or he is in a relationship in which he treats his lass with no respect and also gets the goodies from you. Where's the advantage to you in that scenario, especially if you're fundamentally interested in something more (circumstances permitting).
You seem like a lovely, outgoing lass and I think you should be having your fun and getting your kicks with someone who is worthy of the time and effort. Don't let low self-esteem get you into shitty situations and turn into a Dafty McWobblehead over someone who - as others have rightly said - you'd never be able to trust anyway, and seems like a bit of an opportunistic nitwit. Take out the trash and move on, arm yourself with some mistletoe and gerrout there lady :thumb:
littleali is entitled to her opinion, and just because it may differ from what has been said so far, doesn't mean she shouldn't say it. It's simply another perspective on the issue.
HOWEVER, what we do take issue with is the general attitude that comes across with your posts littleali. Remember you're addressing individuals and you have pretty much told Halloween I hate you. Getting your point across is one thing but aiming horrible words at someone isn't acceptable.
I completely agree that Halloween is more than entitled to understanding and advice, but if that advice includes a message to think about all people involved- is that really such a bad thing? But these things need to be written with some thought behind them (the joy of taking time over posts) or as you've seen here, your point is likely to get lost along the way.
fair enough, i take that, i could have worded it a little differently
:thumb:
i obviously dont personally hate her, i didnt mean it like that, although thats how it may have come across, and i`ve apologised, so i guess i`ll leave it there
Aye, I might be wrong too. I saw this and thought Halloween was doing her PhD:
http://vbulletin.thesite.org/showpost.php?p=1465153&postcount=17
If she is doing her PhD, then personal problems with supervisor would quickly turn into problems with her research.
Secondly, I've accepted this was a mistake and there'll be no more interaction between the supervisor and myself apart from inside work. It's not worth the hassle and as everyone's pointed out, if he cheats on his girlfriend it may well be insalled in him from now on to cheat on others.
Of course he wouldn't dump his missus for me, I realise that now but when I'm feeling shitty I post on thesite. because I know nobody minces their words and that's what I love about everyone.
So thanks, sometimes it takes me a little longer to know what the right thing to do is but I've got there.
PS: Supervisor at work, briggi's on the ball!
so, for fear of sounding nosey, have you cut contact with him? (well as best you can considering he`s your supervisor)
x
well good luck with everything