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Getting Lonely
BillieTheBot
Posts: 8,721 Bot
Does anyone else have a problem with this? I'm finding it more and more of a problem as opposed to something thats occuring, and am not sure what to do about it.
My ex and I split up a couple of months ago, and this is undoubtedly something to do with it as we shared a flat, just the two of us, and now hes gone all the time its just me in the flat. Obviously being in the flat on my own gets a bit lonely. I go out a lot, probably more than I should do if I'm honest. I'm either at uni or at work most daytimes, so thats not so much of a problem. I volunteer one night a week (from 9pm, so its more of a night thing than a day thing) and usually go out at least 3 other evenings with various friends. Probably doesn't help that I drink enough to knock out a small cow when I go out a lot of the time. Despite the fact that I always seem to be on the go I just seem to end up feeling really empty and dissatisfied with everything even though I do a lot. Even when I'm with people I feel really lonely and like I can't properly talk with them about how I feel.
I'm not entirely sure how to deal with it, but I need to somehow as its starting to have an effect on things. I almost crashed my car on the way home because I was so preoccupied with stuff that I sort of stopped paying attention and ran a red light and there was something coming straight towards me. If its getting to this kind of stage then I really should do something, but I just have no idea what. Help appreciated, thanks.
My ex and I split up a couple of months ago, and this is undoubtedly something to do with it as we shared a flat, just the two of us, and now hes gone all the time its just me in the flat. Obviously being in the flat on my own gets a bit lonely. I go out a lot, probably more than I should do if I'm honest. I'm either at uni or at work most daytimes, so thats not so much of a problem. I volunteer one night a week (from 9pm, so its more of a night thing than a day thing) and usually go out at least 3 other evenings with various friends. Probably doesn't help that I drink enough to knock out a small cow when I go out a lot of the time. Despite the fact that I always seem to be on the go I just seem to end up feeling really empty and dissatisfied with everything even though I do a lot. Even when I'm with people I feel really lonely and like I can't properly talk with them about how I feel.
I'm not entirely sure how to deal with it, but I need to somehow as its starting to have an effect on things. I almost crashed my car on the way home because I was so preoccupied with stuff that I sort of stopped paying attention and ran a red light and there was something coming straight towards me. If its getting to this kind of stage then I really should do something, but I just have no idea what. Help appreciated, thanks.
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Finding a bloke is obviously an answer, but not on the rebound or to fill a hole [no pun intended].
Do you not have a really close friend that you can confide in? Starting to talk about it is the right move, even here, wher it might be easier to get it off your chest. Hopefully you can start to explore your feelings and find some closure.
Good luck.
I don't know either, as I am fresh out too
Sucks when you wanna find another guy, just to be in the habit again, but it would probably be a rebound
I agree with what winter bum says. Join a club, meet new people, distract yourself as much as you can
I think that when a serious relationship ends it is very tempting to follow all the advice (about keeping busy and surrounding yourself with people) to the letter and not actually take time to sit around and feel sorry for yourself (just as important!), and get back to the "you" you were before the relationship rather than the version of you that is keeping occupied so as not to think or talk about your feelings. Ok, maybe you feel you're over the ex, or that it was all for the best and therefore you're somehow not entitled to be sad about it or feel sorry for yourself. But you need to talk to someone about all of this - be it a friend, your mum or someone in a more professional capacity (or all three). I think this is the point in getting over a relationship where so many people falter, and end up throwing themselves headlong into new things so there is no time to analyse etc... or even worse, get into destructive patterns of behaviour. Don't get me wrong, I don't mean to scare you about drinking etc; there's no reason why you shouldn't be going out with your mates and getting pie-eyed. You need to have fun and socialise... and as long as you are fulfilling your other needs then it really isn't a problem. Though obviously I must add the caveat here that if you're concerned that you're drinking too much, too often and that the amount and frequency are directly related to other problems in your life... well then maybe it's time to think about cutting back. I don't want to say anything too judgemental about that, as I'm pretty sure you know your own limitations and whether or not the level you're drinking and socialising is what's best for you right now.
I think a lot [the majority?] of people will be able to identify with "lonely in a room full of people" syndrome, and it's definitely something I've found myself feeling post-break-up. It's such a bizarre, transitional time that it's probably even to be expected. I've found you can still go through the motions with a big gang of boozehounds - and even enjoy yourself - but still be completely detached from the situation. Obviously that's not a nice feeling, and is probably something you should deal with as quickly as possible, as I think passing time, stress and alcohol will only make you feel worse and more alienated in the long run.
Anyway, if you need to talk you know where I am, anytime! Take care mate
:yes: Yep - that's exactly the impression I got.
Again - this really makes sense. Some times when you have the courage to really speak out about how you feel it's surprising what you find out about other people's experiences and what they've learned from them.
Just one thing to add/emphasise: time alone doesn't have to be a negative thing - there are ways to reallyRevel in it
so that you really appreciate your time with friends and nights out and don't start seeing them as simply a way to distract yourself but a positive part of your life as a whole.
Erm, unless they are into bedsharing with me that might not work, seeing as I live in a 1 bedroom flat
Thanks for the advice. I probably do need to talk about stuff, but I just feel a bit silly and that I'm making a big deal out of nothing. Everyone goes through breakups, and I just feel that I'm not any different to anyone else, and should get over things like other people do. I also feel a bit annoyed/pathetic/pissed off with myself for even thinking about it, but I think part of the reason is lack of man activity in my life-for the past five years or so I've always had someone, 4 years in 2 relationships, then prior to that it was mates with benefits. Since the split I've had no-one (other than a drunken fumble I can hardly remember with someone I discovered today may have been a work colleague
Yeah, this clearly turned into a little vent/rant
I believe the first step is to let go of this fear, because it's actually silly and irrational. If a close friend of yours came to you and told you that since she broke up with her boyfriend she's been feeling lonely and upset... would you think that she's needy, weak, or 'making a huge deal out of nothing', or lesser in any way? We often measure ourselves with much higher standards than we do others, and more often than not we don't even realise this. I'm positive no one (who cares about you) will think even for a second that you're being annoying about it or making a big fuss over nothing. It's a perfectly normal way to feel considering what's happened to you, and the fact the you're not the first or the last person to go through this sort of thing doesn't make your grief any less valid.
So pluck up the courage and do the difficult but brave thing and talk to someone about all this stuff and how you've been feeling. You definitely sound like someone strong and brave enough to do what's best for her own good. Take care, and we're here if you need anything
first time poster here. I can completely empathise with you. I broke up with my g/f of 3yrs about a month ago. We'd been living together for 2yrs in a 1 bedroom flat. She moved out a month ago, after dropping the bombshell that she slept with someone else while I was away visiting my parents for the weekend. And since then i've been on my own. What makes it worse for me is that I don't know that many people here, so a couple of friends and my brother down in london is all i have to confide in.
Its so incredibly lonely at times, and I too also try to keep busy.. working overtime, meeting up with the few people i know. but since i dont know that many, i am forced sometimes to stay in by myself.. which is how i found this site(!) ...
I did find a friend who i'd lost contact with over 4yrs ago who went through the same thing as me.. it was like confiding in a stranger but it helped me so much.
I would definetly recommend talking to someone. And if you can't confide in any of your friends, theres plenty of alternatives.. and if that fails my ears are always open
-seekay
Why do you drink so much when you go out, is it because you're unhappy? Can you get to know some neighbours or some friends nearby who can maybe pop over for a cup of tea. Or have you got a house phone which allows you to make free calls, a good natter helps.
I'm the kinda person who if things arnt going too good i generally need to tell someone..usually via msn, but usually someone i see rarely, or whom is a pretty good friend all round..
I find it makes me feel miles better..not neccesary just because I get advice, but its the opportunity to get it all off my chest...
Plus i find it gives verification that it is ok to feel the way i feel..
so tell people who you are comfortable telling, you may find the feelings are more common than you think...
Im sure even speaking to peeps in here will make you feel like a bit of weight is lifted from you...
take care xx
:yes: I always confide in my ex of 2 years who is now a great friend of mine. We know eachother really well but I don't see her all the time anymore, every now and then at college but mostly just talk on msn and it really helps me. I wouldn't talk to my mates that I go down the pub with e.t.c about stuff.
I've been lonely for over a year now, beginning to wonder if I'll ever find love again and it's made worse when you want someone so bad but will never get the chance to be with them. I find that sometimes time by yourself is definately needed but don't do this too much because that's when it hurts the most. You do need to go out with your mates and have a laugh aswell.