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flatmates and feeling alone
Former Member
Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
Hey - I'm aware I may be feeling this extra intensely today because I've had a long day at work and I'm tired, but since I moved in with my current flatmates I'm more insecure than I've been in a long time.
They're all stunning, and although I know I'm not ugly, my self-esteem is pretty low a lot of the time. They're all also into a lot of different things to me - a lot of Class A's, techno, all-night mashups etc, while I'm much happier with some live music in a small venue with the chance to chat with friends. Came home tonight to find them all disappearing into the kitchen for a line of this, a line of that, before we go out for one of their birthdays. I can't help feeling like I operate on a totally different level to them and that I'm slowly losing myself and the things I love in order to fit in.
Don't get me wrong, I do adore them, but it's getting harder and harder to relate to each them when a lot of what they consider to be 'a good time' isn't something I want to participate in. I wouldn't want to drag them to the nights I want to go to because I don't think they'd really enjoy it, but at the same time I'm letting that happen to me....
One of them is also highly attention-seeking and can be quite aggressive in her need to hog the limelight. I'm always really careful not to offend people and to let them have their say and as a result I get interrupted and ignored a lot of the time.
This all sounds like I live with a bunch of dickheads - they are wonderful, caring people most of the time and there's a lot that I love about them, but at the moment I'm finding the bad bits really hard to deal with. I would talk to them, but I wouldn't want to feel like they were changing who they are just to accomodate my insecurities...
Any advice?
They're all stunning, and although I know I'm not ugly, my self-esteem is pretty low a lot of the time. They're all also into a lot of different things to me - a lot of Class A's, techno, all-night mashups etc, while I'm much happier with some live music in a small venue with the chance to chat with friends. Came home tonight to find them all disappearing into the kitchen for a line of this, a line of that, before we go out for one of their birthdays. I can't help feeling like I operate on a totally different level to them and that I'm slowly losing myself and the things I love in order to fit in.
Don't get me wrong, I do adore them, but it's getting harder and harder to relate to each them when a lot of what they consider to be 'a good time' isn't something I want to participate in. I wouldn't want to drag them to the nights I want to go to because I don't think they'd really enjoy it, but at the same time I'm letting that happen to me....
One of them is also highly attention-seeking and can be quite aggressive in her need to hog the limelight. I'm always really careful not to offend people and to let them have their say and as a result I get interrupted and ignored a lot of the time.
This all sounds like I live with a bunch of dickheads - they are wonderful, caring people most of the time and there's a lot that I love about them, but at the moment I'm finding the bad bits really hard to deal with. I would talk to them, but I wouldn't want to feel like they were changing who they are just to accomodate my insecurities...
Any advice?
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Comments
Like you, i also let other people take the limelight. Its frustrating to be ignored and interrupted but at the end of the day, the people who take the time to listen to you will be more important to you and those will be your best friends.
It just seems to me like your alot different to them, and none of you should really change for eachother i dont think. I dont really know what advice to give as im having the same dilemma!
I have found I can be friends with people very different to me, but it's not that easy tbh. I think the best shot at it is just accepting the fact that you're into different things - and that it's only natural that you'd each enjoy what you most like, and that no one is a better or worse person for it. That way no one expects the other to change their habits or their taste just to belong to the group. You just meet them halfway into something you both like and keep that as your common ground. When both parties are mature enough to understand and accept this things can go much more smoothly for everyone. But honestly, the feeling I get from reading your post is that you don't speak your mind loud or often enough. And that can be very frustrating in the long run :yes:
If I were you I'd start speaking up more, and not bending my tastes or choices just to fit in, rather do my own stuff and share with them as much as possible what all of you enjoy. And secondly - very important- I'd find myself an alternate group of friends to spend my time with, one that did share my tastes and ways of having fun. Having both groups in your life should keep you balanced enough.
But if you keep feeling uncomfortable around them and feeling a bit ignored and that you don't fully get accepted or belong - then I'd suggest you find someone else to live with. You don't have to ditch them out of your life but only see them when you feel like; whilst living with people you feel more similar to you'll find you'll be more relaxed.
I don't think that it's a case of changing yourself. Surely they knew you before you all moved in together and love you for who you are.
Do you have a circle of friends outside who you live with?
Sofie - I'm sure they know to an extent, as I've mentioned how I feel a couple of times, but it's always been within different contexts and so maybe i need to be more explicit. Then again, at the end of the day it's my issue, not theirs. I'm pretty sure they do love me for who I am, it's my insecurities, but I can't help wondering if we're just not very well matched.
for the first little while after we moved in, i felt they resented this and wanted me to constantly be joining in. it got better when i let them know how i felt but i didnt want to be negative about the way they do things so i just put it to them in a positive way, saying something along the lines of how i really loved living with them because they were around when i felt like socialising but they also were really understanding when i needed time alone. now they let me do what i like, i let them do what they like, and we still have some awesome nights together too
they are not mind readers so you are gonna have to let them know how you feel, but maybe try doing it in a positive way so they dont get defensive or feel you are demanding them to change