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too nice?
Former Member
Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
Jus a question, is such a thing possible? I had been seein someone for a couple of months, and thought things were going great, then got told last week that she cared a lot, but couldnt do it... she does have her own problems at the mo to b fair, but i get the impression that if i hadnt always been there, and done my best, things wud have gone better.
Im no pushover, can give sum cheek, and have my own hobbies, mates and the like. I just make an effort to travel 20 min to see her rather than make her come here, and treat her nice, and, while its appreciated, it feels like ive failed because im not a 'bad boy' who goes out on the pull, upsetting, and bein nasty to a girl who i care about! I kno she has suffered from blokes who cudnt care too much before, she told me that, but how difficult can it be to accept that i am someone who wud do anything?? It's not helping that we are still in contact, because she is so keen to stay friends.
Im clueless, think im gunna become a bit more nasty:banghead:
Im no pushover, can give sum cheek, and have my own hobbies, mates and the like. I just make an effort to travel 20 min to see her rather than make her come here, and treat her nice, and, while its appreciated, it feels like ive failed because im not a 'bad boy' who goes out on the pull, upsetting, and bein nasty to a girl who i care about! I kno she has suffered from blokes who cudnt care too much before, she told me that, but how difficult can it be to accept that i am someone who wud do anything?? It's not helping that we are still in contact, because she is so keen to stay friends.
Im clueless, think im gunna become a bit more nasty:banghead:
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Comments
There is no need to be more nasty. This is more likely to be an issue she has, rather than a problem with how you are.
Nice is good, but often comes with doormatishness. and that's bad.
nasty is bad, but often comes with self-confidence, and that's good.
Now try and find the middle thing. Right now I am about in the middle and I am doing pretty fine. I'm not too shy, asked for her number in front of a few of her friends, but called her in the evening and had beautiful, funny, entertaining conversation with her, for half an hour. You might call such a thing "nice" and associate it with something bad. No it's not, not if you don't over do it, call her constantly, write her like 10 texts throughout they day and all the such.
I am a bit clueless how far the listening to someone's problems should go. Right now I'm pretty much at the beginning so there is no such thing, but in the past I since I care much about the well-being about the people I value, I was the shoulder to cry on, and that gets you in the friends-zone quicker than in the morgue when running naked through Harlem with swastika tatoos all over your body.
I'd say don't act desinterested when she feels shit, but don't let an hourlong session begin and rather try to cheer her up instead of examining the issue.
There is no such thing as "too nice", just such a thing as too clingy, too inconfident etc.
Maybe I am different, but when I get to know new people and they treat me like I've been part of their family then I am flattered and a girl actually raises her chances with that, instead of being short with me.
Feel free to disagree with me girls, this is always a issue that interested me too.
I know how you feel. It's completely unfathomable that nice guys fail where complete baboons succeed. Of course the excuse you'll hear often is the "doormat" thing but it's obviously not true. When being too nice is worse than being a violent thug you've really got to worry about female mentality...
jesus, you figured it all out... violent thug you say hm? Well I'll stab the professor at lecture, bet she'll be in awe!
what have I been doing my whole life? I could be abusing girls AND have sucess! :yippe:
You're just speaking shit for effect, and deep down you know you are.
I also suspect you're assuming they're "bad guys" cause some girl decided to go out with him instead of you.
Some of the things girls need from a relationship can quite often be found more readily in "bad guys". They're maybe a bit more confident, which means they're less likely to be an emotional fuckwit, and the confidence can quite often translate to a good time in bed. The fact that you might class them as a "bad guy' doesn't always come into it.
More to the point, if you're more confident then you're more likely to be yourself - which 9 times out of 10 is a good thing that'll attract the opposite sex.
That's not to say at all that "nice guys" can't be like that, but a lot of guys with pretty low self-esteem pander to their girls every need, don't have a personality of their own and can prove to be really fucking irrritating when they hang about. They always seem to wonder how they can make her happy and not be an equal part of the relationship.
People aren't just "good" or 'bad", and you need to accept that.
And as for the nice thing, gah, this comes up all the time. Yes you can be too nice. You can be too nice if you change your plans to suit her all the time. You can be too nice if you sit and listen to her pour her heart out about something that's not related to you, instead of changing the subject and cheering her up and showing her a good time. You can be too nice if you if she knows that you love her so much in the world that you'll never so much as glance at another girl. Basically, you can be too nice if you don't excite her at all.
But have you ever considered that she might just not have felt like the relationship was going anywhere? Even super-confident bad boys have relationships break up after a couple of months without knowing why. I wouldn't start thinking about changing yourself just because one relationship didn't work out one time.
I feel like I'm following you around the boards just agreeing with your posts!
I think (as a girl) its true though. I don't particularly think about good guys and bad guys, but if people are confident with themselves that is an attractive quality and I'm more likely to go for that than someone sitting being nice to me. If I want someone to be nice to me I'll go see my parents. Doormats who will do anything to make you happy are uninteresting, and personally I lose interest if someone is willing to pander to my every whim.
Try reading this rant which one of our posters wrote :thumb:
Anyone who believes that bullshit doesn't deserve to have a girlfriend.
As for the OP's original point, sometimes this happens, and it isn't anyone's fault. Not all relationships succeed even if you try as hard as you can...the girl has said herself that she probably isn't ready for the commitment. It's not a reflection on you as a person, its just one of those things.
Some girls are afraid of people who treat them well, because they feel they only deserve bad treatment, but that's a problem she has to work through. It doesn't mean you need to start treating people badly.
If you just keep ploughing along being you, having fun, getting into relationships, then one will come along that is right for you both and it will succeed. But just remember that the relationship didn't fail because you were too nice/not nice enough, you just obviously weren't suited. Don't think that women only love a bastard, because that's a one-way ticket to loneliness.
Where do men get this idea from, that women only like the bad boys? If a guy beat me and cheated on me i'd drop him in a shot.
As Senor Rage points out, it's normally an adolescent thing. The bad boy fits in with the general theme of rebellion but just about everyone grows out of it.
Even I used to be quite a bad boy in my more formative years.
Shall live and learn! :thumb:
If you really start to believe and act according to what you just said, you earned you a lot of plus-points on the market.
You deserve to have your throat slit.
@ the rest of you: You only have to go to countries like Japan to realise how twisted and backwards our society/women is.
:wave: Cherio!
Some girls like bad boys because they enjoy the drama and attention. Nice is just another word for boring.
Quoted for truth.
It's all very well being a nice guy, but if nice is all you are, you won't have a great deal of luck.
Show me a nice guy who's funny and self confident and a bit ballsy as well, and I'll show you a guy who never has a problem with the ladies.
Though if you're inviting me to go to Japan to check out the women over there, I'm in. Japanese girls are hawt!
Do you honestly objectify women so much that you should get one as a prize for being a good little boy?
You think you are morally superior to other men somehow? How lovely of you...
You have a lot to learn about women from what it seems. Maybe you should get to know some of these 'violent thugs'... They could actually be nice people.
Pay attention boys: want to know what women like? Try combining self-confidence with nice, respectful behaviour. :yes:
I bet you say that to all the girls.
No wonder he can't get laid with an attitude like that.
:yes: I salut you Kermit. As for being insulted for putting forward this insight to the OP, well :banghead:
If anyone has anything more CONSTRUCTIVE to add for the OP then go ahead. Otherwise this will be closed.
:yes: This is the not so spectacular secret that quite a few guys just can't seem to grasp. You hear these guys saying "I'm a really nice guy but she just won't go out with me" as if nice is an optional extra that he has and other men don't. Nice should come as standard. Then you combine that with self confidence and a bit of ability to make them laugh, maybe with a bit of flirty banter or cheekiness and the door is open. Again, the guys who don't understand this think that being self confident is being 'badass' or a 'thug' and can't understand why girls like guys like this. Last time I checked confident had a different defintion to badboy. It's really not that difficult...
:thumb:
Absolutely!