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Ex boyfriend severely depressed
Former Member
Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
Hey guys
I havent posted for quite a while but i really need some advice, i split up with my ex about 3 months ago, well i say that but if i am honest it had been on and off for the past year, we have been together for almost 3 and a half years in total.
Well last night he text me saying he was severely low and that he was suicidal, i rung him and was talking to him for hours but he was just so low he barely spoke and kept saying he had given up on life and didnt care anymore, i feel so upset that he feels this way as although we are not together, it doesnt mean i dont care or have stopped loving him (which i told him of cause). Anyways he then tells me that he has a gambling problem and has for years which i am completely bemused by as i have never known anything about this!! I'll admit there have been times i thought what does he do with his money but i thought he was just useless with money!! I am truly shocked by this revelation! (i almost brought a flat with this guy!)
My problem is that i feel that maybe he is trying to get me back - is this emotional blackmail? I could and would never turn my back on anyone who needed my help but i was just getting my life back without him and even though he has so many good things about him and is a great guy he just cant help himself and always lets me down and messes things up.
I dont want to sound selfish but he has put me through so much and i am so tired of always being strong and picking up the pieces, i want someone to look after me too. I just dont know what to do. I rung his best friend and said for him to ring him as i dont see that this is totally my responsibility and its a lot to handle. His mum rung me today and said that i have to sort him out and that i am the only one that can do it! I mean that is a lot of pressure!
I cant talk to any of my friends as they have washed their hands with him and think i deserve better but he is still a person and was just dealt a bad hand in life, i just wish i could fix it and make it better and it upsets me that i cant or that people think i shouldnt even try!
Well any advice would be greatly appreciated.
Cherry xxx
I havent posted for quite a while but i really need some advice, i split up with my ex about 3 months ago, well i say that but if i am honest it had been on and off for the past year, we have been together for almost 3 and a half years in total.
Well last night he text me saying he was severely low and that he was suicidal, i rung him and was talking to him for hours but he was just so low he barely spoke and kept saying he had given up on life and didnt care anymore, i feel so upset that he feels this way as although we are not together, it doesnt mean i dont care or have stopped loving him (which i told him of cause). Anyways he then tells me that he has a gambling problem and has for years which i am completely bemused by as i have never known anything about this!! I'll admit there have been times i thought what does he do with his money but i thought he was just useless with money!! I am truly shocked by this revelation! (i almost brought a flat with this guy!)
My problem is that i feel that maybe he is trying to get me back - is this emotional blackmail? I could and would never turn my back on anyone who needed my help but i was just getting my life back without him and even though he has so many good things about him and is a great guy he just cant help himself and always lets me down and messes things up.
I dont want to sound selfish but he has put me through so much and i am so tired of always being strong and picking up the pieces, i want someone to look after me too. I just dont know what to do. I rung his best friend and said for him to ring him as i dont see that this is totally my responsibility and its a lot to handle. His mum rung me today and said that i have to sort him out and that i am the only one that can do it! I mean that is a lot of pressure!
I cant talk to any of my friends as they have washed their hands with him and think i deserve better but he is still a person and was just dealt a bad hand in life, i just wish i could fix it and make it better and it upsets me that i cant or that people think i shouldnt even try!
Well any advice would be greatly appreciated.
Cherry xxx
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Comments
I think he is trying to use emotional blackmail on you, intentionally or otherwise, so that you will get back to him. As I remember he wasn't the best bf ever anyway, and its quite low to resort to ringing you up late at night to blame you for all his woe and make you feel guilty for it.
I know you can't ignore it, no human with emotion can, but you need to keep your distance from him. Don't go rushing back, don't sit up forever talking with him, keep your distance.
Having your support is going to prolong the pain and make it harder for him to move on.
Stopping contact with him will help him more than he realises. You have to be cruel to be kind. He can find support elsewhere from friends and family.
It's a horrible situation he has put you in and yes i agree it is emotional black mail to try and get you back, however no doubt it is pushing you away further and there most likely will be a messey end to it all.
This is it, i was trying to be supportive when he rung but at the same time i was so angry as it was quite unfair to put me in that situation. He is staying at his mums tonight so i said i would pop round to have a chat, i feel that i am strong enough to not go back to him, especially after the gambling revelation as that would just be another thing i would have to deal with now, jesus i feel like i am his parent, i am 24!! i should be out having fun not minding my bf and giving him pocket money!!
Thanks for reply x
I realise what you are saying about being cruel to be kind and yes he probably has no intention of killing himself but i couldnt live with myself if anything did happen and i had walked away.
Also his brother killed himself about 2 years ago and his grandad killed himself too.
I just wish he could be a stronger person, he just cant cope with anything that is ever thrown at him!!
xx
Some people need more support than others and if that qualified me as being wrapped around his finger when i am trying to do the right thing then so be it.
Have a wonderful evening x
Thanks Pill'ed, i totally agree, and i know that my ex would never want me to be with him for pitty, he is usually so confident and outgoing but sometimes life catches up with you i guess. I just spoke to him and he said he felt better so that is a good thing. :-)
Take care
Cherry x
If he is trying to blackmail you, eventually he'll realise it's not going to work, and drop the act, and if it's genuine, hopefully you can help him to get the help he needs.
It's extremely unfair for everyone else to land it on you.. especially his mother.. so I would be clear that once it has become too much (if it hasn't already) that you won't be having anything more to do with it.
Hit the nail in the head.
The only way you can do the "right thing" to him is to get back with him and let the cycle start again.
If you keep running off every time he says he's gonna kill himself then he won't get better and you won't move on. That is keeping you right where he wants you.
but,
I do know how he feels cos God knows I feel like that at the moment. I do send my ex (who broke up with me about a month ago) emails and stuff when I'm feeling particularly low (she is currently in New Zealand) but not because I want to make her feel guilty.
I do it because I need someone to listen and to help me.
There is the possibility that he may actually need the help and just wants someone to listen to.
That's not healthy for either of them.
That is not true, the way i can do the right thing is to "help him" in his time of need, that doesnt mean i have to get back with him. When did i say that i ran off when he said he wanted to kill himself, in fact i was running to him.
I had this out with him last night and he was genuinely shocked that i thought he was using emotional blackmail, he was just feeling really low and needed to talk to someone.
My point is that you are the "only one who can help him" because you're his ex, and that really the only way you can improve his mood is to get back with him. Still always being there prolongs the misery of the break-up.
I don't think he's deliberately being blackmailing, and I don't think he's being spiteful, but him being depressed is getting attention from you that he otherwise wouldn't get. That just gives him an incentive to remain depressed and suicidal, and to keep clinging to you, rather than getting his own help to get out of the hole. That is not good for him and it's not good for you.
My opinion is that your friends are right- he needs to be left to fend for himself, and that always being there for him without wanting to be with him is just making things worse.
He does need support, I agree. He needs someone to lean on, someone to help him along, all those kinds of things. But that someone CANNOT be you.
If that were me, I would make sure one of his close family or friends knew how concerned I was and that they were keeping an eye on him. Then I'd cut ties for as long as it took for him to get over it and get on with his life.