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How do I get over it?

Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
in Sex & Relationships
Hi,

This might be long but I really need some help here...

Ok, so my boyfriend of nearly 2 years cheated on me in July, and I gave him a second chance because he did seem very sorry for what he did, and did everthing to try and win me back. If it was anyone else then Id show them the door but he was very different.

So, a couple of months on, hes moved like 300 miles down south to be with me, he now has a house share and a job, which to me, shows he does really want this to work considering he left his life up there for me.

Thing is though, I can't seem able to trust him again, I know its only been a few months, I feel myself trusting a LITTLE more than say a in August but its still really bad, so to the point of I dont like the idea of him going out and getting drunk with his new found work friends (Because thats how it happened last time) But he said he doesn't want to look a weirdo by not going out and getting drunk like everyone else.

Dont get me wrong, I'd LOVE to be able to trust him again, because I really want this to work, I love him so much.

Hes just signed off MSN after an argument we had about him going out/getting drunk etc. He said he felt trapped and needed to chill.

How do I get over this sort of thing? Does it take more time? or will I always be like this? Is it worth carrying on the relationship, because I know a relationship can't happen if trust isnt there, as much as I want it to happen though.

Thanks for reading.

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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I realise this is a really hard situation for you. But something has to give either way. Either, you end the relationship because a relationship can't work without trust, or you make the decision to trust him and stick to it. From what i've read, yes he has cheated on you, but now seems VERY commited. If you make the decision to trust him again totally, i'm inclined to think it will be a good one, although there's always that tiny risk element I suppose. And I know it won't be easy to suddenly just say "Okay I trust you" and let it all go, but you just have to think about the positives of your decision instead of what might go wrong again. It seems like you guys may be onto something good so it would be a shame not to give it a proper go (IMHO). But the bottom line is, you have to make a decision either way - indecision is the killer here. If you continue to distrust him it will ruin your relationship anyway. You can't know where he is and what he's doing all the time...
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Thank you,

    Thats REALLY good advice :)

    Yeah, I think I agree with you. Im just going to have to bite the bullet and let him do all these things again, if I don't, it'll be like Im trapping him and not giving him a life won't it? Which will of course destroy the relationship anyway.

    Its gonna be hard but I'll try it.

    Thanks again!
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    you had us all screaming at you to leave him in august :rolleyes:

    if you're still paranoid then it's not good. And after a person has cheated, you never get the trust back that you had before, and relationships need trust. If you're arguing and he say's he feels trapped, then why did he move? It seems maybe it was more a way of showing how sorry he was and how determined he was to put it right, rather than actually wanting to move?

    If that makes sense? It might seem even harder now he's moved, but if the trusts gone then the relationship usually goes with it unfortunatly. It's ok him showing you that he can keep it in his pants and he might. It's how much the past is going to bother you that you need to decide on. If it's little enough to try again or if it's too much.
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    The first thing you need to do is forget about how he moved down and stuff. Maybe that was his way of showing his commitment, but it also adds a load of pressure on the relationship and makes it harder for you to dump him (whether he was aware of that or not), so try and judge the relationship for what it is.

    Saying that, it does sound like you're maybe being a bit over-paranoid (even though it's understandable). If he's in a totally new place, he's still going to have to make friends and have his own life aswell, because if he didn't then that'd put even more pressure on the relationship - he'd probably start resenting you for it and it'd end in tears.

    I think you should try and give him the benefit of the doubt for now. If he goes out and cheats again then he's got so much to lose, he'd be stuck somewhere miles away from home that he hardly knows anybody and he'd have lost you too.

    Maybe even ask him to invite you to meet them in the pub after his work too, I'd think that'd help set your mind at ease a bit too :)
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Bri-namite wrote:
    The first thing you need to do is forget about how he moved down and stuff. Maybe that was his way of showing his commitment, but it also adds a load of pressure on the relationship and makes it harder for you to dump him (whether he was aware of that or not), so try and judge the relationship for what it is.

    Saying that, it does sound like you're maybe being a bit over-paranoid (even though it's understandable). If he's in a totally new place, he's still going to have to make friends and have his own life aswell, because if he didn't then that'd put even more pressure on the relationship - he'd probably start resenting you for it and it'd end in tears.

    I think you should try and give him the benefit of the doubt for now. If he goes out and cheats again then he's got so much to lose, he'd be stuck somewhere miles away from home that he hardly knows anybody and he'd have lost you too.

    Maybe even ask him to invite you to meet them in the pub after his work too, I'd think that'd help set your mind at ease a bit too :)


    Thank you,

    I have already met his work mates now, which worried me even more really because half of them were 'players' who cheated on their girlfriends. Although my boyfriend did react as though they were total pr*cks for carrying on with it.

    He has a work thing next month for xmas, only for staff... and he really wants to go. So I think that will be the time he first goes out without me. I think Im gonna have to go out as well to keep my mind off of what he might be getting upto.

    Yeah, I guess I totally missed he point of the fact if he was ever stupid enough to cheat again, then he would be pretty stuck as he lives miles away from home now... so surely he couldnt be daft enough to do that.

    He says that to make things right again and for me to start trusting him again, I have to let him go out etc, so he can show me I have nothing to worry about, otherwise the issue will always just hang there and never be solved.

    Thanks for your advice!
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