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Former Member
Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
ok, im a bit hungover and i really should b in bed right now, but i need to get this off my chest..
when i was out last night, i saw the guy that abused me. and he took advantage of my fear. he kept looking at me, and walking past, and laughing. whenever id walk out of a venue, he'd follow me. i tried to surround myself with as many people as possible, and keep to the crowds, but he caught me again. and now i feel completely wrong and awful.
i dont feel like i can get over this, i think that whatever i do and wherever i go, this will follow me. i cant sleep well, and when i do, i dream about it. i cant eat, because i feel insecure. i used to have problems with my weight, i had an eating disorder at a young age. i mananged to control that, but i still get phases where i dont eat and cant stand food, even though my weight doesnt bother me.
but i lost a baby for this guy, and ever since then, my mental picture has become screwed up and totally unclear.
in the summer, i went out with a boy called luke. and he used to strike out with physical violence, and threaten me if i didnt consent to sex.
i remember, what was going to be my first time, before he got really bad. he got me pissed and we almost went all the way. but then he had other things to do, and i was left there. people laugh about that. and i can understand why. but i cant laugh. i was saved from consenting to a fate which i regard worse than death. since losing your virginity is basically the first time you have sex though, i guess that is what luke got.
the guy thats been called joe and wilbur, dragged me out of it. because he helped me to realise that i am a person and i dont have to do anything i dont want to. its my body and my decision. luke didnt stop. he just got worse. in the end, he overdosed. somehow i didnt feel any grief, even though i had previous deep feelings for him. that was a long time ago. now i only felt relief.
but luke had alot of connections, and his friend kept on what he started. again, joe got me out. but i saw his friend again last night, and this happens.
joe is taking me to california before midfebruary. he wants to give me the chance to start again. the problem is, i dont know if there's any point. ive probably pulled too many major f***-ups in my time.
im sorry for saying this, but i had to get it out.
when i was out last night, i saw the guy that abused me. and he took advantage of my fear. he kept looking at me, and walking past, and laughing. whenever id walk out of a venue, he'd follow me. i tried to surround myself with as many people as possible, and keep to the crowds, but he caught me again. and now i feel completely wrong and awful.
i dont feel like i can get over this, i think that whatever i do and wherever i go, this will follow me. i cant sleep well, and when i do, i dream about it. i cant eat, because i feel insecure. i used to have problems with my weight, i had an eating disorder at a young age. i mananged to control that, but i still get phases where i dont eat and cant stand food, even though my weight doesnt bother me.
but i lost a baby for this guy, and ever since then, my mental picture has become screwed up and totally unclear.
in the summer, i went out with a boy called luke. and he used to strike out with physical violence, and threaten me if i didnt consent to sex.
i remember, what was going to be my first time, before he got really bad. he got me pissed and we almost went all the way. but then he had other things to do, and i was left there. people laugh about that. and i can understand why. but i cant laugh. i was saved from consenting to a fate which i regard worse than death. since losing your virginity is basically the first time you have sex though, i guess that is what luke got.
the guy thats been called joe and wilbur, dragged me out of it. because he helped me to realise that i am a person and i dont have to do anything i dont want to. its my body and my decision. luke didnt stop. he just got worse. in the end, he overdosed. somehow i didnt feel any grief, even though i had previous deep feelings for him. that was a long time ago. now i only felt relief.
but luke had alot of connections, and his friend kept on what he started. again, joe got me out. but i saw his friend again last night, and this happens.
joe is taking me to california before midfebruary. he wants to give me the chance to start again. the problem is, i dont know if there's any point. ive probably pulled too many major f***-ups in my time.
im sorry for saying this, but i had to get it out.
0
Comments
you seem to have had your share of trouble. its an idea to find some really good friends who will be there for you and stick with them, never go with groovy gangs and base relations on trust.
all i can say really.
Too right, Harry. Ignore the anti-newbie thing, if you have a problem, we'll do our best to help you.
I would stay as far away from Luke's 'friends' as you can, I know it must be hard if they live in the same area as you <IMG alt="image" SRC="http://www.thesite.org/ubb/frown.gif"> You really have had it tough, you should be proud of yourself that you're still keeping it together. If you're moving next month, you have a lot to look forward to, new life etc. It sounds as if Joe/Wilbur wants to be there for you whether you're an item or not, so stick with him <IMG alt="image" SRC="http://www.thesite.org/ubb/smile.gif"> Do your best to avoid this arsehole, as I'm sure you are doing already. Does Joe know you saw him?
Of course it's worth going, at least you won't have to have to run the risk of seeing this guy again if nothing else. You'll have a lot of new opportunities in California, and Joe will be there for you. You deserve this chance. Take it. Please don't cheat yourself out of a great future because of this, it's your life.
*|* Chica *|*
Stay Calm <IMG alt="image" SRC="http://www.thesite.org/ubb/mad.gif">
i may be soft in your palm, but i'll soon grow hungry for a fight-and i will not let you win.
i'm not denying that women are stupid; God made them to match the men.
i agree with what everyone said, moving back to america will be a fresh start, joe/wilbur seems to want to look after you and seems like a good guy. of course its worth going, you'll be able to leave the old memories behind and start afresh. and if you ever need to talk to someone, we will all be here for you <IMG alt="image" SRC="http://www.thesite.org/ubb/smile.gif">
It's better to regret things you've done than things you haven't.
aww bless
dont frown-u never know who's falling in love with your smile!
Just to fit in <IMG alt="image" SRC="http://www.thesite.org/ubb/smile.gif">
{{{{{{{ickle}}}}}}
you need some help, we're here. It's not the same as real human support, but it's damn close enough.
DM
I've not lost my mind it's inserted elsewhere - hence the limp.
Take the chance & embrace life again <IMG alt="image" SRC="http://www.thesite.org/ubb/smile.gif">
And the great thing about thesite, is that we can all "come with you" <IMG alt="image" SRC="http://www.thesite.org/ubb/smile.gif">
Hang on to hope Ickle
j9
I had a life once, but I stopped feeding it so one day it just walked away.
MTS ^5 <IMG alt="image" SRC="http://www.thesite.org/ubb/wink.gif">
[This message has been edited by j9 (edited 08-01-2001).]
*hands Ickle some of Chica's special luxury bubblegum*
Oh dear - between Matt "Da Brainz" and Chica, we'll all be eating nothing but junk food soon! lol. <IMG alt="image" SRC="http://www.thesite.org/ubb/biggrin.gif">
I've not lost my mind it's inserted elsewhere - hence the limp.
abuser? get the police involved? have u any male friends who can have a 'word' with him?
and male friends, well thats a long long story.
thanx for the bubblegum, i feel most sugarhighed and happy <IMG alt="image" SRC="http://www.thesite.org/ubb/smile.gif">