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Engagement
Former Member
Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
To those of you who are engaged or married, how and when did you start talking about engagement? Was it expected or a bolt out of the blue? How did you feel?
On Saturday night my boyfriend told me that he'd like to get engaged...this wasn't a proposal, more of a statement/discussion, and I have to say it's absolutely knocked me for six. If we did get engaged in the relatively near future, it would have to be a kind of open ended engagement, as it's going to be at leat 18 months before we're seriously likely to be able to get a place of our own (we're living with his mum right now), and then however long on top of that before we could afford a wedding, as we're unlikely to get much financial help from our parents; he said that he sees engagement as the next stage in our relationship. I had NO IDEA he thought like that - I've always thought that engagement is a bit pointless when you can't pin down the wedding to at least a year, and thought that he agreed, or at least had no urgent desire to get a ring on my finger, but maybe I've been too busy spouting my own opinion to shut up and ask how he saw it.
So...yeah. I feel really weird at the moment and can't understand why. It's not that I don't want to get engaged to him, God knows, I love him to bits, we've been together 5 and a half years now, coped with being both long distance and living together, we hardly argue, have oodles in common...I think we stand a pretty damn good chance on the lasting till marriage (however long it ends up being) and then making it work front. I certainly also know that lots of people will be very happy if we get engaged. And if we're going to stay together anyway, it really doesn't matter if it happens tomorrow or two years time.
I suppose practically, I don't really think he should be considering spending a month's wages on a ring for me, as we have enough expenses on our plates, and I'm a bit concerned that we'd be seen on jumping on the engagement/wedding bandwaggon that's been going on in our friendship group for the past year or so, but I think maybe the real issue at stake here is the realisation that I've completely misjudged his opinion on this one and that we're crap at talking about emotional things and stuff that really matters. (for the record, when we had the conversation it was towards the end of the night at a school disco night at the local cricket club..romantic!) He's always been so good at the 'I'm never going to get married me, can't see the point' lark to ward off annoying questions from relatives, and has also reeled out similar lines to his mates, that whilst I've always known it was bullshit, he was the last person I expected to see the stage of engagement as important. Everything we've done so far has all just sort of happened, that nothing has ever felt like an actual 'step' before, and now we have one before us I feel scared shitless, even though it is what I want.
Thanks for reading and sorry about the rant, I needed to blurt it out somewhere. (We haven't actually spoken about it since Saturday night, I s'pose I'm a little afraid it'll turn out to have been drunken exageration, I'm a bloody emotional coward :rolleyes: ) Anyway, if you remember, this post did start with a question!
On Saturday night my boyfriend told me that he'd like to get engaged...this wasn't a proposal, more of a statement/discussion, and I have to say it's absolutely knocked me for six. If we did get engaged in the relatively near future, it would have to be a kind of open ended engagement, as it's going to be at leat 18 months before we're seriously likely to be able to get a place of our own (we're living with his mum right now), and then however long on top of that before we could afford a wedding, as we're unlikely to get much financial help from our parents; he said that he sees engagement as the next stage in our relationship. I had NO IDEA he thought like that - I've always thought that engagement is a bit pointless when you can't pin down the wedding to at least a year, and thought that he agreed, or at least had no urgent desire to get a ring on my finger, but maybe I've been too busy spouting my own opinion to shut up and ask how he saw it.
So...yeah. I feel really weird at the moment and can't understand why. It's not that I don't want to get engaged to him, God knows, I love him to bits, we've been together 5 and a half years now, coped with being both long distance and living together, we hardly argue, have oodles in common...I think we stand a pretty damn good chance on the lasting till marriage (however long it ends up being) and then making it work front. I certainly also know that lots of people will be very happy if we get engaged. And if we're going to stay together anyway, it really doesn't matter if it happens tomorrow or two years time.
I suppose practically, I don't really think he should be considering spending a month's wages on a ring for me, as we have enough expenses on our plates, and I'm a bit concerned that we'd be seen on jumping on the engagement/wedding bandwaggon that's been going on in our friendship group for the past year or so, but I think maybe the real issue at stake here is the realisation that I've completely misjudged his opinion on this one and that we're crap at talking about emotional things and stuff that really matters. (for the record, when we had the conversation it was towards the end of the night at a school disco night at the local cricket club..romantic!) He's always been so good at the 'I'm never going to get married me, can't see the point' lark to ward off annoying questions from relatives, and has also reeled out similar lines to his mates, that whilst I've always known it was bullshit, he was the last person I expected to see the stage of engagement as important. Everything we've done so far has all just sort of happened, that nothing has ever felt like an actual 'step' before, and now we have one before us I feel scared shitless, even though it is what I want.
Thanks for reading and sorry about the rant, I needed to blurt it out somewhere. (We haven't actually spoken about it since Saturday night, I s'pose I'm a little afraid it'll turn out to have been drunken exageration, I'm a bloody emotional coward :rolleyes: ) Anyway, if you remember, this post did start with a question!
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we`d been together 2.5 years but from day one we knew we wanted to get married
we`ve been engaged 2 years now, some think its a long time, but i wanted to finish uni and get a job before we start seriously saving
so even now, i cant see the actual date being in the very near future
a ring doesnt have to be expensive...he proposed with a £99 one and then when he had a bit more money (tax rebate) he got me the one i really wanted
dont forget, even if you get engaged, that doesnt set anything in stone, you can always call it off!
The cost of the ring wouldn't bother me, but I know that as a matter of pride he'd want to do it 'properly'. It's a macho thing...
I know that, but as I said I'm not worried about breaking up. I still feel a little uncomfortable about it being so long, but I'm pretty sure we'd make the distance. A year or so back I'd have said no way to something with no end date in sight, but I'm more secure now. I'm just a little upset that maybe all the times when I've said that open ended engagements were stupid I've been treading roughshod all over his emotions.
nothing to be uncomfortable about
I think it saves a lot of embarrassment on both sides if you have at least talked about the issue first - from the sounds of it its not like your boyfriend is going to pop the question he was probably just sounding you out. Especially if a few of your friends have got engaged he possibly even thinks that maybe its something he is supposed to do.
I would say talk to him about it - tell him how you feel - from the sounds of things that you do want to get married eventually but your not ready for full on engagement just yet but continue to talk about it even if its just in the abstract every few months or so.
I suppose it was just that it was so unexpected. And I didn't realise before we had the conversation quite what a huge thing it is to hear someone say that they want to promise to promise to spend their life with you, that actually didn't hit me til a couple of days later. Making plans to get a place together is one thing, but engagement has sooo much symbolism attached, it's basically someone saying 'you're the one'. Wow
First thing is, I need to establish if he meant what he said (rather than the copious 'turbo-shandy' we were drinking addling his brain!), and why he's bringing it up now, then I need to lay my heart out on the table to him.
I don't think he's said it just because lots of his friends are/have been tying the knot, I'd like to think he has more individualism than that, but his best mate is getting married next month and I know that he's looking forward to seeing what it turns out like, as my boyfriend would like to do a similar non-religious-ceremony-in-a-big-country-house affair. <-- that's the funny thing, for someone who has always protested that he doesn't want to get married, he's got a prefered type of location for this non-marriage, he knows that he's not keen on wearing a ring (although has asked me how I feel about that one) for this marriage that's not going to happen, has asked me whether I'd take his surname and has asked me a few times what I'd say if he proposed.
I don't know what he's thinking timing-wise, possibly in the next year or something....if it were to be much later than that the open-ended thing would be less of any issue, because we'll have a better idea then how we are financially. So we'll see...
Thanks for your advice, peeps.