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confused - what should I do?
Former Member
Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
I'm having a casual relationship with the ex of a longtime friend of mine (which no one knows about except for my close friends). They were living together for 2 years and she was ready to marry him but he didn't want commitment. He and I got together before they broke up and have been seeing each other for about 6 months. She is still in love with him and he wants to continue being close friends with her so they keep in touch and see each other once a week or so...which makes her think that they're still a couple, and can't accept that it is over. I'm not really sure what he thinks is going on there and he doesn't really want to discuss it with me.
The problem is that I'm starting to care about him as more than a friend, and don't think he wants any more than the arrangement we agreed on to start with. Sometimes I just feels as if I am something for him to do while he's trying to decide whether he wants to be with her or not, and that if he does want to he can easily go back to her without anyone else knowing what happened. I'll be moving in just over 4 months and thought I'd keep it going till then but am not sure anymore.
Also, I really hate what I am doing to this girl and know that if it was the other way around I would never speak to me again, but I don't want to give him up and don't think I have the willpower to do it even if I know it's the right thing to do.
What should I do?
The problem is that I'm starting to care about him as more than a friend, and don't think he wants any more than the arrangement we agreed on to start with. Sometimes I just feels as if I am something for him to do while he's trying to decide whether he wants to be with her or not, and that if he does want to he can easily go back to her without anyone else knowing what happened. I'll be moving in just over 4 months and thought I'd keep it going till then but am not sure anymore.
Also, I really hate what I am doing to this girl and know that if it was the other way around I would never speak to me again, but I don't want to give him up and don't think I have the willpower to do it even if I know it's the right thing to do.
What should I do?
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Comments
and a good friend is worth more than any boyfriend, as far i as i can see.
Look into these tired eyes. See something you might recognise.
hello latas, and welcome to thesite. hopefully we can offer you some good advice around here.
my shellheaded friend is right here you know. you need to get urself away from that guy. you actually answered your own question in ur post i think:
i think that feeling hits closer to home than you'd like to admit. i mean if he really wanted to be with you as a couple, he would have left this girl completely. he's playing both of you, because he knows it's casual with you until u get the guts to tell him you want more than that. plus not wanting to discuss what he does with the other woman with you also should tell you something. i'm sorry for being frank here, but it looks like he thinks ur good enough to sleep with, but not enough to share his life with. that's not much of a relationship. <IMG alt="image" SRC="http://www.thesite.org/ubb/frown.gif">
and in the meantime, he can keep a marker on this other girl because he knows how in love she is with him. he figures he can have her back at any time.
and don't u see he's doing the exact same thing to you? he's giving you enough hope of a relationship that you'll stay around hoping he'll fall in love with you. and he'll just keep saying he wants it casual til it bothers you enough to put a stop to it.
one more interesting piece of evidence to consider. how much of an upstanding citizen is he if he was willing to be with you before he broke up with the other girl? it means he is also capable of doing that to you should you guys become exclusive.
find the will power latas. if you can walk away from this, you will save yourself a ton of heartache cause right now, he's using you. walking away from him will also tell you if he is truly the one. if he discovers how much he needs you then he might just be willing to end the weird relationship with the other woman.
let me just put it this way latas: could you ever be happy with this guy if you have a nagging doubt as to whether he really loves you or some other woman?
if you break now, at least it won't be as hard as it would be if you fall completely in love with him and he still treats you this way.
i'm sorry i don't have a more positive perspective for you. <IMG alt="image" SRC="http://www.thesite.org/ubb/frown.gif">
good luck latas
The hardest part is how to go back to a platonic friendship. Also, if they get back together I don't know if I'd be able to continue being friends with both of them (but can I really call myself a friend at the moment?).
Guess I really screwed up on this one hey.
but it sounds like you know what you have to do, so good for you. <IMG alt="image" SRC="http://www.thesite.org/ubb/smile.gif">
a bit of advice though.. if you do break.. break completely, at least for a while. give yourself time to let him leave your system. if you try to be platonic friends too early, it'll just go back to the way it was.
and TURTLE -- you must have been reeeeeeeally tired to not notice this nice young person is from AUSTRALIA. that makes three of you now. <IMG alt="image" SRC="http://www.thesite.org/ubb/tongue.gif">
I split up with my bloke in jan. we ended up havin casual sex till i thru a strop in about march, but then we tried to be frinds too early and it endedup with the pair of us in bed.....
I havent seen him for nearly a month now and im finding it sooooo much easier to get over him <IMG alt="image" SRC="http://www.thesite.org/ubb/biggrin.gif"> Yea it is REALLY hard and it will hurt but it will save a lot of hurt in the longrun
I thought when my love for you died, I should die too. It is dead but strangely, I live on.
I NOTICED!!! just not last night. but as i was rereading the topic <IMG alt="image" SRC="http://www.thesite.org/ubb/smile.gif">
AUSSIE AUSSIE AUSSIE...
hmm...u got yahoo/msn/icq? would be nice to chat to a fellow aussie <IMG alt="image" SRC="http://www.thesite.org/ubb/smile.gif">
hope u like the boards latas, we need more aussie's here. <IMG alt="image" SRC="http://www.thesite.org/ubb/smile.gif"> damn brits :P j/k *runs* *ducks*
Look into these tired eyes. See something you might recognise.
id agree with sexy C. its easier to get over someone if you dont have contact with them for a while. then maybe try and build up the friendship again afterwards when youre not still really into them.
I love deadlines. I love the whooshing noise they make as they go by.
~ the late, great Douglas Adams
But thanks guys, you're wonderful <IMG alt="image" SRC="http://www.thesite.org/ubb/biggrin.gif">
Hey Turtle...OI OI OI
My ICQ # is 6313348 and nickname is Little Tas.
Oh, and just thought I'd let you know that I think these boards are great <IMG alt="image" SRC="http://www.thesite.org/ubb/smile.gif">
YEHHHHHHHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAWWWWWWWW!!!!!
anyways. i'm calm, i swear i'm calm. <IMG alt="image" SRC="http://www.thesite.org/ubb/biggrin.gif">
Look into these tired eyes. See something you might recognise.