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I've been told i'm controlling
Former Member
Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
I've been told by my girlfriend that i'm controlling and making her feel like she can't be herself with me, which has lead her to feel like she doesn't want to be with me anymore (and is probably the reason why all the problems have happened between us in the last year or so).
I've been thinking about this all night but i'm not entirely sure I am being controlling or if there is anything I can do about the situation we have. The thing is, she admits that she is really scared of upsetting me and therefore avoids decisions. What I do is then take the initiative and make most of the decisions for us. It often ends up with me trying to second guess what she wants in order to keep her happy because I know she wont tell me what she really wants incase it's not what I want.
Along with her avoiding decisions, she also hides her feelings from me, so if I do something she doesn't like (like say I don't want to watch this film, or that program) she won't say anything. She tells me that she feels like she can't be herself and watch the films/programs/listen to the music she wants to because I'm too controlling and dictate what we watch and do. The problem I have is that I don't think it's really me being controlling, it's her forcing/letting me dictate what we do.
I don't know whether there is a lot I can do here or whether it's up to her to start telling me what she wants and stop being so scared of upsetting me. I'm not a mind reader! The only thing is, i'm not sure if I am being controlling, maybe I am without realising?
I'll give you two examples... Firstly, there are issues with the type of music she likes. I have in the past taken the piss out of her music, but only in a jokey way. I can see how she might have taken this personally though. And as a result she feels she can't listen to what she wants to when she's with me. I have always told her that I really don't mind listening to her music, have often aksed her to bring her own cd for a long car journey (anything she wants) and on the odd occasion she has had one of her own cds on i've said it's alright to listen to it and I don't mind.
Another is the cinema. I have my favourite films, films i'm not fussed about but would watch if someone else wanted to, and then films that I hate and just don't want to watch. She seems to think that we don't go to see a film unless it gets my approval and that I stop her watching films she likes. I admit that if there's a film she wants to go and see I will have a look at a review/trailer and see if it's my thing or not, if it's something I really hate (and this is probably 1 out of every 10-15 films) I will say that I don't want to see it. Is this really so bad? I don't stop her seeing them, I just don't want to watch it with her. Surely if I had to go and watch these films then she would be forcing me and I would be the one being controlled?
I've already written a lot so I don't want to carry on, but basically, she feels like she is being controlled, can't do what she wants when she wants and is loosing her identity. My problem is whether this is my fault or not and whether there's anything I can do about it or whether it's her?
I would really appreciate your advice, especially if you think I am being bad, as I really can't work out if and how much blame I should take.
Thanks.
I've been thinking about this all night but i'm not entirely sure I am being controlling or if there is anything I can do about the situation we have. The thing is, she admits that she is really scared of upsetting me and therefore avoids decisions. What I do is then take the initiative and make most of the decisions for us. It often ends up with me trying to second guess what she wants in order to keep her happy because I know she wont tell me what she really wants incase it's not what I want.
Along with her avoiding decisions, she also hides her feelings from me, so if I do something she doesn't like (like say I don't want to watch this film, or that program) she won't say anything. She tells me that she feels like she can't be herself and watch the films/programs/listen to the music she wants to because I'm too controlling and dictate what we watch and do. The problem I have is that I don't think it's really me being controlling, it's her forcing/letting me dictate what we do.
I don't know whether there is a lot I can do here or whether it's up to her to start telling me what she wants and stop being so scared of upsetting me. I'm not a mind reader! The only thing is, i'm not sure if I am being controlling, maybe I am without realising?
I'll give you two examples... Firstly, there are issues with the type of music she likes. I have in the past taken the piss out of her music, but only in a jokey way. I can see how she might have taken this personally though. And as a result she feels she can't listen to what she wants to when she's with me. I have always told her that I really don't mind listening to her music, have often aksed her to bring her own cd for a long car journey (anything she wants) and on the odd occasion she has had one of her own cds on i've said it's alright to listen to it and I don't mind.
Another is the cinema. I have my favourite films, films i'm not fussed about but would watch if someone else wanted to, and then films that I hate and just don't want to watch. She seems to think that we don't go to see a film unless it gets my approval and that I stop her watching films she likes. I admit that if there's a film she wants to go and see I will have a look at a review/trailer and see if it's my thing or not, if it's something I really hate (and this is probably 1 out of every 10-15 films) I will say that I don't want to see it. Is this really so bad? I don't stop her seeing them, I just don't want to watch it with her. Surely if I had to go and watch these films then she would be forcing me and I would be the one being controlled?
I've already written a lot so I don't want to carry on, but basically, she feels like she is being controlled, can't do what she wants when she wants and is loosing her identity. My problem is whether this is my fault or not and whether there's anything I can do about it or whether it's her?
I would really appreciate your advice, especially if you think I am being bad, as I really can't work out if and how much blame I should take.
Thanks.
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Comments
if she's hating the relationship so much then why doesn't she leave?
She sounds like a bit of a head fucker....doesn't say stuff, then moans about it after. :chin:
all good dictators know when to conceed
Taking the cinema for example, of course there isn't anything wrong with you not wanting to see a certain film as long as you do compromise from time to time with films you may not be thrilled about but won't make you feel like clawing your eyes out.
It's hard to judge what's going on without knowing you both, but from what you've posted she does seem like she can't stand up for herself and it is NOT your role to make her grow a backbone.
How do you react when she suggests something? If you often show dislike for her suggestions then I can see why she would feel discouraged. Do keep in mind that it's much harder to suggest something under pressure from the other party than come up with something on your own, so if you shoot her down during those times you may have done damage even if you did not realise. And also, if you are going on about wanting her suggestions all the time that would also be potential for her turning sour.
But in general, I'd think the ball is in her court regarding this. If she's scared of you that says quite a lot! And it doesn't have to mean you're a controling bully doing your best to oppress her.
Hmmm, well, I don't think i've reacted badly to anything she's suggested, BUT I know I can go quiet when we end up doing something I don't like by chance... let me give an example. We were round her sisters house and we all ended up watching big brother (which I'm really not a fan off and just wasn't in the mood to sit there through it). I went quiet, not really making a fuss, but it was obvious there was something wrong. She likes BB and so took this personally and I can see why this would deter her from asking to watch it in future. The thing is (and i've explained this to her a few times) the thing I was really bothered about was that I had no choice but to sit there and watch it. If we were sitting at home together and she asked if we could watch it the chances are I would and wouldn't be too bothered about it.
Well I try to, I said we could go and see 'the devil wears prada' last week. Not my sort of film at all, but it's something I can sit through. I know I ended up making the suggestion, so it seems like my choice, but the way things have been, if I didn't suggest it, she never would have. I can actually think of 3 or 4 films in the last year that we've seen that I didn't really want to come to think of it.
Well that's what I've always felt like, that she is very controlling and doesn't like it when she can't make me do everything that SHE wants to do, but the conversation last night made me think maybe I had got it wrong.
The other problem, is that she is very good at turning things around to me and making out she is the victim. I find it very hard to deal with and often blame myself at first then think maybe it's partly her fault when I get a chance to go and think about it on my own. That's why i'm here, because I just don't know what to think anymore. I don't know whether I am really a nasty controlling person or whether she is just turning it round to me to avoid blame being put on her.
With all you've said before I'm amazed you're still together, but I really don't think that you should be. You just don't seem to be suited to each other, and its hard to make it work when your personalities clash. She's guilt-tripping you into doing what she wants without doing what you want, and you don't have the patience to do what she wants when you don't like it.
ahhh yeah, another thing that came up over the weekend. She fells that she HAS to send me texts, e-mails during her lunch and when we don't see each other. It seems that she has been thinking for a while that she would rather do other things when she's not with me. She feels she can't watch TV properly if she's always having to reply to my texts all night. She finally told me when I moaned about her not replying, but now I know how she feels we've decided that we won't do the regular lunch time and evening text/e-mail anymore. If only she'd told me months ago rather than ignoring me :mad:
I also found out she would not reply to me on purpose!
Anyway, I've no idea why she is happy to piss me off like that but not by disagreeing with me in person (which is daft because I never get annoyed with someone who wants to argue/disagree with me).
don't you have problems with your sex life too?
yep, she's the same in bed, she finds it very hard to take the lead or make decisions. That's one situation where I know i'm controlling, but that's because if I wasn't then nothing would happen.