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Jealousy in a relationship
Former Member
Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
I apologise if this isn't very coherent and whatnot but anywho.....
I've been with my boyfriend 3 years and i've always been jealous of his girl mates generally because they are his ex's but recently this new girl has popped up and at first i was fine with it but gradually they started to spend more and more time together and now i'm jealous i believe my bf is faithful as i know hes not the cheating type but its just the fact that everytime i try and speak to him 9 times out fo 10 this girl is with him and one time when iw ent to see him he was later and it turns out he hadn't been home for 2 days cause he was at hers, he admits that it looks iffy but still claims nothing is going on but i'm jealolus of the time she spends with him as i only see him weekends and when i am with him she always texting for no reason generally. and now i cant see him this weekend because he's going to her mums party and i can't see him next weekend because a guy friend of theirs is coming down and staying at his and the guy friend can't come through the week as the girl in question whos name by the way is kerry has to go college so thats 2 weekends i cant see him and shes linked to both of them so the next time i see him now will be on my 18th birthday! :crying: the other problem i have is in the bedroom when we first got together we were at it like rabbits then it slowed down but was still regular and the past couple of months its barely been happening. I haven't felt the need for sex but feel if we're not doing it then somethings wrong in the relationship and it is we argue so much now and alot of it is my jealousy over kerry half the time the way she acts you'd think she was his gf but on the plus side my bf dont act in the same way back but still. We argued not long ago and he accused me of not making an effort int he bedroom the says he seduces me and i should do it back and stuff but the problem is how can you seduce someone if your not feeling horny and he wants me to dress up and stuff to spice things up which is fair enough but i haven't got the confidence to roleplay and stuff and then he said i should be comfortable with him which i am but i'm not even comfortable withmyself to be doing that as i get embarrassed and stuff.
and now i just don't know what to type here what to sayto him and what to do about us and i've prob not made sense above or left bits out but i dunno right now i just need some advice if thats possible or just anything.
I've been with my boyfriend 3 years and i've always been jealous of his girl mates generally because they are his ex's but recently this new girl has popped up and at first i was fine with it but gradually they started to spend more and more time together and now i'm jealous i believe my bf is faithful as i know hes not the cheating type but its just the fact that everytime i try and speak to him 9 times out fo 10 this girl is with him and one time when iw ent to see him he was later and it turns out he hadn't been home for 2 days cause he was at hers, he admits that it looks iffy but still claims nothing is going on but i'm jealolus of the time she spends with him as i only see him weekends and when i am with him she always texting for no reason generally. and now i cant see him this weekend because he's going to her mums party and i can't see him next weekend because a guy friend of theirs is coming down and staying at his and the guy friend can't come through the week as the girl in question whos name by the way is kerry has to go college so thats 2 weekends i cant see him and shes linked to both of them so the next time i see him now will be on my 18th birthday! :crying: the other problem i have is in the bedroom when we first got together we were at it like rabbits then it slowed down but was still regular and the past couple of months its barely been happening. I haven't felt the need for sex but feel if we're not doing it then somethings wrong in the relationship and it is we argue so much now and alot of it is my jealousy over kerry half the time the way she acts you'd think she was his gf but on the plus side my bf dont act in the same way back but still. We argued not long ago and he accused me of not making an effort int he bedroom the says he seduces me and i should do it back and stuff but the problem is how can you seduce someone if your not feeling horny and he wants me to dress up and stuff to spice things up which is fair enough but i haven't got the confidence to roleplay and stuff and then he said i should be comfortable with him which i am but i'm not even comfortable withmyself to be doing that as i get embarrassed and stuff.
and now i just don't know what to type here what to sayto him and what to do about us and i've prob not made sense above or left bits out but i dunno right now i just need some advice if thats possible or just anything.
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Comments
I can definitely see why you would be envious of his girl mates because they are exes.
Yet the more you argue with your bf about Kerry, the more you will drive him away, and probably in her direction.
From his point of view, spending time with her is now preferable because if he spends time with you, you will only end up arguing.
He might know he's not cheating on you with her, but you're worrying and seem convinced that he is. He sees no way to dissuade you, and will think 'I may as well have been cheating, PrettyGreenEyes doesn't believe me when I tell her the truth anyway.'
That said, spending 2 days solely in her company does look a bit questionable.
I think you've got to tell him you're uncomfortable with him spending so much time with her, and you'd like to see more of him, although you understand he's busy for the next two w/es. Arrange something special to do together for your birthday maybe?
The bedroom problems will only be resolvable after you've sorted out how jealous you feel. You're hardly going ot be in the mood for sex or feel horny if this preys on your mind.
Regarding confidence, maybe share fantasies or something, before you expect to go dressing up as some roleplay dominatrix!
As hard as it is to do, you have to try and remain reasonable, rational and approachable, otherwise it will make it harder to talk to each other, and you will look like the paranoid gf that just argues and isn't pleasant to be around.
If someone is going to cheat, which I'm not saying your bf is/will, they will find a way to do it regardless of intervention.
ETA: You posted while I did!
"he always says he would never cheat on me and that he loves me and i know he does love me but i feel that this whole kerry thing is what is causing our sex life to dive also. I hate the bitch" You cannot blame someone else for this, it's your own anxiety which is making you not up for sex, while your bf has tried to reassure you that your fears are unfounded.
its a difficult situation because you need to let your boyfriend know that its bothering you but at the same time you don't want to become all jealous and have arguments about her because it will push him away.
i really feel for you
If my boyfriend was staying at another girls 2 nights in a row without telling me i'd be very pissed off and having words. You need to talk to him calmly about how you feel and how you're upset etc. And make it clear you don't want an argument.
I've told my boyfriend how i feel and he just trys to reassure me theres nothing to worry about but it doesn't stop the feelings that i have and now when i talk about it he just has a go at me saying i'm being jealous and possesiven and reckons if things were the other way round and it was me always hanging out with the same guy he wouldn't mind.
my bf is 21
kerry has just turned 19
and i'm 18 v.soon
he met her through one of his friends, from what i've seen she doesn't flirt with him but then that may be because i'm there or because she don't do it i'm not sure.
She texts him a lot but i've not seen the txts.
If he's still funny then personally i'd be having 2nd thoughts.
I don't think he's talking to me at the mo still humpy with me i think everytime i try and talk to him about kerry it turns into an arguement and i know i do moan about her on the phone which i shouldn't because she is his mate, but it's hard not to because i feel so much dislike and resentment towards her lately and i think alot of the problems we have as a couple started when she popped up but the bf claims that we had problems before which is news to me, that or he's saying the probs we have now we had before kerry came along but i don't think we did because our sex life or though we weren't doing it 24/7 we was doing it but now i just don't want to a lot of the time and i feel bad because obviously i want to express that i love him but something stops me from doing the whole sex thing like an invisible barrier between us.
Personally I would be very suspicious. He should a) be making more effort to visit you evenings or to see you I mean if he loves you and cares for you he would not mind travelling to see you or saying to this other girl sorry mate but my girlfriend is popping over tonight and I would like to see her as I will be out at the weekend.
My fiance recently had a girl mate hanging around she seems to think he is single, they wre sending lovey dovey messages and would defend her every move. Said she always looked gorgeous but would complain about certain ways my hair would be done or clothese I would wear. He tried to convince me that she was just a mate but I still feel there is something more there - used to have her saved on his phone as sexy ******** and would talk to her as more than a mate. One night we had an argument and she was going to "beat me up" and recently I have told him I don't like her and any girl that would threaten or insult his future wife without him defending me is not just a mate but is a hinderance.
luckily things seem OK I hope.
and
Good luck with things and if you wanna chat I will send you my email address.
take care babe
DEVIL
Hi Pretty - this sounds like an incredibly complex and frustrating situation. I think any of us would feel somewhat perplexed if a partner was spending more time with a friend of the opposite sex than ourselves, while at the same time saying there were problems in the relationship. Other than reassuring you there's nothing going on, it doesn't sound like he's giving you many positives to work with. But maybe I'm wrong?
I really think you would benefit from writing to one of our relationships advisors at askTheSite about this, as there's so much to consider. Yes, while it's important to confront jealousy issues - I don't think that's the only thing going on here and there's a danger of getting stuck in a rut if significant changes in either your situation, or how you feel about things, happen.
I hope this helps, but do keep posting if it helps you to understand things and clear your head
I think almost ANYONE would be jealous in that situation.
I think it would be a mix of jealousy and paranoia for me, i think you'v done well so far with dealing with it, i'd have been in tears everynight imagining him having sex with another woman, but that's me, i over think :crying:
Ha Thanks for pointing that out :razz:
Wasn't me that posted back first though, not my fault