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When Do You Tell Someone About Your Bad Past?
Former Member
Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
Hello 
I am SO sorry for the long post lol - I just sorta got carried away so that people knew why I'm asking.
So I'm in a new relationship with someone I met a year ago. We went out immediately on meeting one another and it was awkward and pointless - we didn't know each other and it was hard trying to know a complete stranger when I literally just finished in a relationship that fell apart when uni came between us, so it wasn't a really bad break up and I wasn't resolved about how I felt.
Anyway - shove that to one side. So since returning for my second year I've spent tons more time with this person and we're getting to know each other - I feel more confident around him and he's confessed to having feelings for me and we've started going out again. The thing is we started going out after meeting up whilst both out on nights out. A touch of tipple and he's saying "I love you, I'm scared - the only other girl I've loved cheated on me with my best mate" and there's me saying (never meaning to belittle how painful being cheated on feels but wanting to put across that I too was afraid but more guttsy inspite of it) said "I've been cheated on too, but I've experienced a lot more worse things than that". KNOWING we were drunk and I was very serious but feeling a little more open to admitting that in the past I've had it rather pants.
To summarise; my first proper boyfriend used to mentally abuse me and physically hurt me in order to have control of me. He'd tell me I was nothing, worthless, pointless, lower than him etc...would try and break my hands if I disagreed in arguments and segregate me from my friends. One night he pinned me down and attempted to force himself on me, basically wanting to force me to have sex with him (I was a virgin and wanting to wait). About 2 weeks after we broke up he did properly beat me up. Then two and a bit years ago - a person I had known for pretty much my whole life...did something intimate and sexual which left me shattered and suicidal. Getting over that first boyfriend took a long time with a new partner and then being single again, this second incident happens and everywhere I'd come seemed to shatter ten fold.
The thing is last night he asked me, "You know you said the other night about some really bad things happening to you, were you serious and I'm curious, what were they?"
I said I was serious, but also said the stuff wasn't very nice to talk about really and he sorta left it at that but I could tell he was still very curious, which you can only expect. Despite a year and getting to know each other more closely, I just couldn't tell him. I was afraid to. Admittedly the official going out thing has been less than a week but being with each other and getting to know each other has been before that.
I just wanted to know from people who have similar past 'issues' even not to my extent, or even worse, which sorta...affect the way they are now and in relationships...did you or have you ever expressed it to a partner? I don't feel ready and will never feel pushed into saying inspite of that but the sudden fear of telling him really...shocked me. I mean, I feel safe with him and I trust him. I find it so incredibly hard to trust men at all and he's something I wanna keep. I appreciate it's early days but I suppose knowing the finer details of what we talk about intimately makes me think he'll stick around.
When have you told a partner in the past? Is it something you keep from you partner? And (sob sob on my part here) I find myself thinking about it every single night without fail - I talk to myself at night, as though I were telling someone about why I am the way I am, as sometimes I just want someone to understand how the past affects small details about my personality and confidence. The sexual abuse affected my previous relationship i.e. flinching at his touch, put off intimacy but with him I feel completely safe and never flinch. The guys not cottoned on why I've not been out for my first year sleeping around and the such when there have been offers, and I know I harbour fears of rape and phsyical violence. How do you tell someone that without scaring them off or without them wrapping you in cotton wool?
Again it's early days but I feel like this is something I'll encounter with any relationship that amount to something long term. I don't feel appropriate so early on going through, but for you, when was the right time?
Thank you to all and any replies Really appreciated.
I am SO sorry for the long post lol - I just sorta got carried away so that people knew why I'm asking.
So I'm in a new relationship with someone I met a year ago. We went out immediately on meeting one another and it was awkward and pointless - we didn't know each other and it was hard trying to know a complete stranger when I literally just finished in a relationship that fell apart when uni came between us, so it wasn't a really bad break up and I wasn't resolved about how I felt.
Anyway - shove that to one side. So since returning for my second year I've spent tons more time with this person and we're getting to know each other - I feel more confident around him and he's confessed to having feelings for me and we've started going out again. The thing is we started going out after meeting up whilst both out on nights out. A touch of tipple and he's saying "I love you, I'm scared - the only other girl I've loved cheated on me with my best mate" and there's me saying (never meaning to belittle how painful being cheated on feels but wanting to put across that I too was afraid but more guttsy inspite of it) said "I've been cheated on too, but I've experienced a lot more worse things than that". KNOWING we were drunk and I was very serious but feeling a little more open to admitting that in the past I've had it rather pants.
To summarise; my first proper boyfriend used to mentally abuse me and physically hurt me in order to have control of me. He'd tell me I was nothing, worthless, pointless, lower than him etc...would try and break my hands if I disagreed in arguments and segregate me from my friends. One night he pinned me down and attempted to force himself on me, basically wanting to force me to have sex with him (I was a virgin and wanting to wait). About 2 weeks after we broke up he did properly beat me up. Then two and a bit years ago - a person I had known for pretty much my whole life...did something intimate and sexual which left me shattered and suicidal. Getting over that first boyfriend took a long time with a new partner and then being single again, this second incident happens and everywhere I'd come seemed to shatter ten fold.
The thing is last night he asked me, "You know you said the other night about some really bad things happening to you, were you serious and I'm curious, what were they?"
I said I was serious, but also said the stuff wasn't very nice to talk about really and he sorta left it at that but I could tell he was still very curious, which you can only expect. Despite a year and getting to know each other more closely, I just couldn't tell him. I was afraid to. Admittedly the official going out thing has been less than a week but being with each other and getting to know each other has been before that.
I just wanted to know from people who have similar past 'issues' even not to my extent, or even worse, which sorta...affect the way they are now and in relationships...did you or have you ever expressed it to a partner? I don't feel ready and will never feel pushed into saying inspite of that but the sudden fear of telling him really...shocked me. I mean, I feel safe with him and I trust him. I find it so incredibly hard to trust men at all and he's something I wanna keep. I appreciate it's early days but I suppose knowing the finer details of what we talk about intimately makes me think he'll stick around.
When have you told a partner in the past? Is it something you keep from you partner? And (sob sob on my part here) I find myself thinking about it every single night without fail - I talk to myself at night, as though I were telling someone about why I am the way I am, as sometimes I just want someone to understand how the past affects small details about my personality and confidence. The sexual abuse affected my previous relationship i.e. flinching at his touch, put off intimacy but with him I feel completely safe and never flinch. The guys not cottoned on why I've not been out for my first year sleeping around and the such when there have been offers, and I know I harbour fears of rape and phsyical violence. How do you tell someone that without scaring them off or without them wrapping you in cotton wool?
Again it's early days but I feel like this is something I'll encounter with any relationship that amount to something long term. I don't feel appropriate so early on going through, but for you, when was the right time?
Thank you to all and any replies
Really appreciated. 0
Comments
:yes:
I think if you still feel not sure about whether to say anything or not then I'd maybe leave it for a bit, especially if the relationship is still sort of coming together - the last thing you need is you confiding this in him, then things falling apart over something silly (like a lot of new relationships do), because chances are that'll make you feel like absolute shit.
I think what xsax said is right too, if you start a relationship off and you know deep down that the other one has been hurt, sometimes it's a bit awkward and people can end up tiptoeing around the other persons feelings too much.
I've been like that, I've felt really reluctant to show affection or maybe open up as much, and she maybe felt she needed to watch my feelings a lot more than she might have had to do if we both started it on an even playing field. I suppose sometimes that happens if it's a friends thing that turns into something else.
Just make sure you're ready, at the end of the day.
Just give him the short version that you have been physically and mentally abused to the max by your ex-boyfriend, e.g. beat up after break-up, and that another one abused you in a real intimate way that left you shattered. Tell him, you have been very careful with your choice of partners therefore and that you really think he will make the grade to be your b/f (don't sound condescending or smth tho). This even gives you a little plus, because he will feel flattered.
Just don't be an emotional mess, (if it is to avoid), in that area, or he will handle you like a raw egg. Souds stupid, but you sound always very sprightly and hyper in the forums. Dunno how you behave in rlships and if you are really 'scarred' in that area, but I think you can do quite well, and he won't even think of your past for long, since he just sees you as a stable, nice, dateworthy girl.
If you mentioned your past simply because you were drunk and don't feel comfortable telling him, or even afraid of telling him, then don't feel pressured to bring it up or explain more, forcing yourself to make that decision isn't going to make it any easier. On the other hand, if you felt you brought it up because you may want to tell him in the future, then it's worth exploring ways you might be comfortable doing that, or at least ways to tell him where you'll be in control of what you tell him about.
Many people carry scars of previous abuse with them, but that doesn't mean they have to be negative, and it doesn't mean that revealing them will lead to breaking rather than strengthening a current relationship. You've survived something horrible, something no one should ever have to deal with, and it'll remain down to your own instincts whether this is going to be appropriate to discuss with him - but you have survived it and you are in a good relationship now.
I'd suggest thinking about how your instincts about the guy tell you he would react, and maybe even think about how you'd like him to react. Maybe from that you might have some idea of how to proceed.
It might also be worth considering writing down, if in part you haven't done that with this post, what you'd tell him, if only to get it clear in your head - to give yourself a chance to play it through a few times and maybe deal with some of the panic of telling him about some of the events in your past. Of course, you maybe only need to do that if it's something you're considering.
And as a final point, the same as the first, - regardless of how or if you tell him, he's in love with you, past include.
Anyways that's my tuppence for what it's worth, best of luck in whatever you decide.
Some of the articles on dealing with sexual abuse include some links you might want to take a look at:
http://www.thesite.org/homelawandmoney/law/victims/comingtotermswithabuse
http://www.thesite.org/healthandwellbeing/askthesiteqandas/mentalandemotionalhealthqandas/damagedbysexualabuse
With my last bf, i never did really tell it all, but i told some of it. Ive gathered more issues since the last bf and ive been with my new boyfriend for just over 2 months.
I know he's wanting to know stuff. But i dont actually feel able to say the words. Its almost as if i dont want him to know how much my past experiences have weakened me, and how they prevent me from getting on with my life.
Im scared of him going off me, and wanting someone normal with no "issues"
Cant really offer any advice, im just going to wait until theres a right moment, there may never be a right moment.