How...

BillieTheBot · October 2006

... do you stop a dear friend from being a complete doormat in relationships?

One of my best friends has been seeing my boyfriend's cousin (who lives with us, joy!) for about 5 months now. He's been very hot and cold with her; big professions of lurve very early on and then not calling her for days on end. I've told her to play him at his own game, be out of contact for a while and let him see what he's missing (or alternatively get dumped, but hey, at least you'd know!) and all that usual stuff. But she put up with it and he got dormatitis and ended it.

Even now she can't do the "keep your cool" thing. He split up with her three weeks ago and she was gutted. He kept her hanging with a few texts etc and then when she went out and had a one night stand (which got back to him via the ever-reliable grapevine) he was suddenly back on the scene. This Friday night they went out independently and when my boyfriend and his cousin came home, he got a text from her seeing if he was out. He said to come over if she wanted and, of course, she bit. They slept together, he cried and said he loved her blah blah and that he was going to make things work because he'd been an idiot (true). But then she didn't hear from him again; and I know he's just being inconsiderate rather than trying to hurt her but I just want to shake him... and her.

So the last two nights she's been getting drunk, alone, late at night and texting him and it's breaking my heart along with hers because it's all self-inflicted (well mostly, because he is being a bit of a prick). I can't even invite her around or anything because he's here constantly watching reality tv and drinking all the milk. Now I do know he likes her, as he should because he is an irritating twit with absolutely NOTHING going for him on paper and a very disproportionate ego. She has suggested having a casual relationship which they might both be happier with, but then he comes back at her with "no, I don't want that, I want to be with you". I really, really do not understand her thinking... she seems to think that by bending her own wants to fit with his (though it isn't actually what he wants) is making her look even more pathetic. I think that if she wants things to work she needs to take an enormous step back and let the dust settle so she can see if she actually does want him or is just clinging to the wreckage, and the same for him.

It's made even harder by the fact that I'm the only person she's unloading this all on to, and I'm stuck well and truly in the middle. I'd much rather be kept completely out of it, but then I worry about her and want to support her. Her last break up nearly killed her, and even though this is a shorter relationship it's been fairly intense (and they're both those "intense" types of people). She's constantly mining me for information when there's really nothing to tell, and I honestly don't know how to help her or what to advise. What do I do or say to make her see that the way she's approaching this is all wrong? Or do I just have to wait it out until she sees sense (don't think that's going to happen anytime soon, anyway).

ARGH. Any budding agony aunts out there? Or professional hitmen/women?

Former Member · October 2006

I was thinking about making a similar post!

My friend is damaging herself in a very hopeless relationship with a guy who can get away with anything he wants, she always goes back to him. She even went behind my back on Saturday night, saying she was going to go home because of him being a twit and after bolting off without a word (and with my car keyes!) I found her standing in a queue to a club with her beloved. I want to slap both so much, her even more nowadays. grrr

It's been going on for ages now, and I really feel like telling her some not so pleasant things. She's become über sensitive and her self confidence is falling and it feels like anything her friends say just makes her hurt and more vulnerable. I really just want to go and ask her what the hell she thinks she's doing, but I don't know if it's appropriate...

So yeah... I'm interested in seeing if there's any other advice to your problem than 'leave her to it'. It's so annoying because I can't pretend I don't care for my friend. I do. A lot.

Former Member · October 2006

briggi wrote:

Or professional hitmen/women?

We can sort something out.

As for your friend, I am afraid she is the only one that can help herself in this situation. You need to be there for her but distance yourself at the same time. Sometimes people unknowingly get dragged down with their firends who have problems and end up worse off. Plus, in your condition, you don't need the stress, you get me!!:)

Former Member · October 2006

migpilot wrote:

We can sort something out.

As for your friend, I am afraid she is the only one that can help herself in this situation. You need to be there for her but distance yourself at the same time. Sometimes people unknowingly get dragged down with their firends who have problems and end up worse off. Plus, in your condition, you don't need the stress, you get me!!:)

Agreed. But you can still help by inviting her places, and making sure that she socialises with people, and sees that she does still have other people to turn to. The worst thing you could do is let her get into a situation where she thinks that he is the only thing in her life, because she'll be too afraid to ever break up with him or look for/consider someone else that came along.

Former Member · October 2006

migpilot wrote:

We can sort something out.

As for your friend, I am afraid she is the only one that can help herself in this situation. You need to be there for her but distance yourself at the same time. Sometimes people unknowingly get dragged down with their firends who have problems and end up worse off. Plus, in your condition, you don't need the stress, you get me!!:)

I think thats good advice. I wish I really knew what advice to give, but im getting quite hard hearted in my old age. I want to help people and listen to their problems, but there comes a point when you have to know the difference between someone elses problems and your own. Dont stress yourself over someone else making a tit of themselves. Its not going to kill her and she has to learn the hard way, because it seems like nothing you have said or could say is going to make her see. Maybe she feels like its ok to do it because youre kind of backing her up?

Former Member · October 2006

Agree with all that :yes:

All you can really do her is let he know you're worried about her, maybe go for something to eat with her and have a chat about it. You can try and help her think about things a bit more, but at the end of the day you might end up with her resenting you if she doesn't learn the lesson for herself.

You cant help her if she won't help herself, harsh as it sounds.

Former Member · October 2006

Yeah, I know all this advice makes sense. I am trying really hard to be there for her as it's hit her extremely hard and I can't bear to see her dragged down by someone so unworthy. Have tried every tactic from reminding her of every awful thing he's said and done (both to her, and generally in his life) to telling her why she's far too good for him. The problem with the latter being the response is that she's not too good for him, he's too good for her and she looooves him. I think I also feel quite guilty because I introduced them; this is most definitely the abrupt end to my matchmaking exploits :banghead:

So, now I'm actually starting to think that my being there for her is actually hindering any chance she has of getting over him and maybe even actually "enabling" her one-track mind. She seems to see me as an all-seeing, all-knowing oracle for her second chance with him, since I live with him. So any quality time I try and spend with her to help is overshadowed by her obsessing about him, asking questions. I've asked around other friends to see if she can find a completely impartial shoulder to cry on but they're all very hesitant to get involved, and also probably feeling as impotent as I am myself since there's not very much anyone can do.

Matt, you're right that no one can stay hanging forever but from past experience I think they can give it a damn good shot. I agree that she'll probably hate him - I think part of her already does - but I've got this awful feeling that everytime she starts to build a bridge (as she did when he first chucked her) he throws her a crumb of attention and she's right back where she started. Unfortunately, ice-cold-no-contact doesn't seem to be something she's capable of, and it's what I'd usually recommend... but since I would have to prise her mobile out of her cold, dead fingers I think the morose, drunken texting is probably going to run and run.

Former Member · October 2006

SuzyCreamcheese wrote:

Maybe she feels like its ok to do it because youre kind of backing her up?

I think that's definitely the case. I try and temper my advice to her between giving her validation that she's going to get through this and is wonderful etc, and that she needs to buck her ideas up and actually make an effort to get through it, too. But I think the fact that I allow her to sound off about it so much, ask so many questions and don't bite her head off is definitely seen as my backing up her way of thinking and all her crazy "plans" to get him back :chin:

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