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How to chat someone up?
Former Member
Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
I dont really want to blame all my troubles on other people but due to a multitude of resons (no male role models, all boy school, less than aeragly active social life) i have no idea how to tell if a girl likes me or not and what to do if they do any advice?
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In what situation?
In nightclubs for example it's hard to tell.
And most giirls are kinda weird in that if you treat them mean they're more keen on you.
I personally (but I'm female, so this might not be helpful), assume that everyone I fancy, fancies me back. Therefore, when I'm with/looking at/talking to someone I fancy, I act like they want me too. The point here, I guess, is that you need to know/learn/recognise body language as well as having confidence in yourself and your own sexual worthiness and attractiveness.
Thing is, flirting feeds and grows between the people who are flirting so, whilst there are "generic" tips, most of what you need to know, you need to be able to figure out for yourself.
As a start, when you are talking with someone you fancy and want to fancy you, how do you feel and how do those feelings eminate in body language readable by the the other person? You will have a couple of points that are mental, physical and both. For instance, you might want them to find you interesting (mentally and physically), intelligent (mental), stimulating (phys and ment), sexy (phys), stunning/ trophy-esque (phys and ment), take home to parent-able (phys and ment - depending their 'rents and realationship with them). At the same time as wanting them to feel these things about you, you want to let them know that you either do / or potentially do feel these things about them , to whatever degree.
You want eye contact, a full on stare is scary and spooky though. Think about a cashier person, they meet your eye, make their comment, and then avert their gaze. Persuasive eyes move in a triangle over the facial (or breasts, ya male perverts) features. You might not notice / have noticed this but when you're talking to someone in a 'natural' way, their eyes will start with focus on one of your eyes, move to t'other, down to your lips, and back up to first (usually left, I think) eye to complete the triangle. If someone fancies you, their gaze might rest on the lip stage for longer than would happen otherwise. A flirter learns to do the lip gaze and then to make their own lips attractive and draw attention to them, perhaps with a quick flick of their tongue, or by raising their hand to their mouth etc. If you notice someone you fancy looking at your lips, take it as a 'signal'. The extended gaze is the sign of someone contemplating a kiss.
Another one of the "generics" is that you want to touch the a person you fancy -- sexually, either consciuosly / sub-consiously / or most likely, in combination. If you wanna jump someone's bones; you want to touch them. If someone reaches out to touch you (as opposed to just knocking into you, and thereby touching you by default), then they are wanting to touch you. Someone touching you is a flirt, consciously / sub-consciously / or a mix of the two. The typical "learnt-flirt" and subconscious-flirt is to reach out to touch someone on the arm. So, (to summerise my luuurve lecture, tee he, I'm pissed, and will be embarrased by this post in the morning...) if you fancy someone, are talking to them, and they touch you on the arm - this is a positive signal that they want to touch you in some way. Whether thay want you to bone them or are just putting out 'feelers' to mark the physical attraction against subconscious proposed mental attraction is a matter for later consideration. But, in the first instance, you should take someone touching you as a 'signal' that they fancy you (is what I do, and it ain't failed me yet - yeah I'm full of myself today!).
Think about what you desire with a potential partner and think about how these desire embody themselves when you're chatting to someone you want. Whilst you may want to grab them, drag them off and ravish them like a Flintsonian - your social experience teaches you to do the most minimal version of your desire, keeping within respectful personal boundries, in order to 'test the water' and also to 'comunicate your desire'. Hence the touch on the arm.
Anyway, there is no need to make flirting as complicated as the above sounds- most of that happens completely without your knowledge! Even though you may feel you are inexperienced and can't pick up on signs and body language, I can assure you that you can and that you do! There are VERY few people who don't read body language and these peeps have med conditions, which if you had, you would know about by now. For instance, when you are in a shop, buying a chocolate bar or whatever, you know when to smile at the cashier, you know when to move out of the way of someone with a hand basket in a hurry, and you know all of these things without thinking about them. You know before you would even have the time to assimilate the info logically, and you know this because you are reading body language. You read body language from a young age, a really young age, you start learning these skills as a baby before you learn to speak (whether in male/female/or mixed compan so don't stress). These are built upon with every human interaction, whether you consider them successful or not and the most basic of them are so ingrained that as long as you have been socialised with functioning, interacting human beings -- you can tap into what you know to play the "game of luuurve".
This has been your lesson in flirting and body language from Katralla-the-luuurve-guru. Thank you very much. Goodnight.
x
lol thanks for the info i think a major problem is lack of confidence, ive been rejected 3 times in my life and never been succesfull so obviously im not so good at reading body language, also i dont want to be made to look stupid.
Thinking logically, the three turn downs you've had are a GOOD thing- they mean that you haven't ended up wasting time on someone with whom you are unsuited.
So, do you have a particular 'interest' in mind? Or, are you looking for general advice in general situations? Which, it might help if we knew... How old are you? You go pub? School? etc...
It depends on the situation to be fair. You wouldn't chat up a stranger in a bar in the same way that you would chat up someone you work with. But the basic principle is the get that person to think of you in a sexual way, as potential partner material. Whether they find you attractive or not is another matter, but if they never think of you in that way, then they're never going to find you attractive.
You do this by letting them know that you like them, by flirting with them. Too many people are quick to hide the fact that they like someone, for fear that they won't like them back. That's understandable to some degree with someone you already know, but with a stranger, it'll get you nowhere. Talk to her in a light-hearted way, and maybe make the odd suggestive joke. Most importantly, talk to her as an equal. Don't be afraid to make fun of her, in the same way you would with your friends, or disagree with her on things, rather than trying to please her with what you say. Do things like holding her gaze for longer than you normally would with someone you're talking to. Touch her on the arm, that kind of thing. Obviously you have to judge when in the conversation to do these things, based on her body language. In my experience, most girls will want to chat to you for a while and get to know you a bit, before they are comfortable with more contact. That's one of the reasons that chat-up lines don't usually work. How long it takes depends on the girl (and usually how much they've had to drink incidentally).
With someone you know and will see all the time, I think you can afford to be a bit less forthcoming. The basic principle of getting them to think about you in that way. But instead of making it obvious that you like them, like with a stranger, you make them think that you might like them. You make them wonder whether you like them, or you're "like that with all the girls". Of course it also makes you wonder the same thing about her. But the only way to find out is to make sure that you meet each other outside of work/school.
That works, by the way :yes:
Seriously though, just try and see it as trying to get better at starting conversations rather than chatting up. Not everybody is as good at it as you might think.
In austria we have pretty big festivities, where all the students come together etc, so it's very easy to simply ask her out, "hey, you heard of the party at ..... Yeah, I'm gonna be there. Fancy to come along?" It's easy. Those parties are usually inside the university (they are always opened, since it's a public building).
So getting someone to know and test the water is really easy in unis. I am my first day this semester in uni and I got to know around ~4 girls and a few boys. Just a little chat, but I see them constantly, and today I even said to myself: damn, so many fine girls... I don't know if I should talk to her (who I haven't seen before) or sit again beside the girl I talked before the lecture
If it's somebody I'm looking to have more of a future with (rather than just one night) I have more difficulty. I get a lot more nervous.