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Unhealthy staying idle?
Former Member
Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
Hello. Sorry for the title, but I couldn't think of a more suitable name.
I’m finding myself overwhelmed by my own depression. I need help… I can’t control myself anymore. Depression hits me daily, and every time it happens I feel so incredibly and severely depressed, and I want to solve this. I genuinely want to, but the problem is complicated, and it is clear that I've stayed idle for too long. Please bear with me.
Three years ago I was content with my life, basically living in blissful ignorance. I have always bottled up my feelings, never expressing myself fully, staying idle and introvert. I feel I can't control myself -- the pressure is increasing, and I'll soon pop.
Everything started when I lied to the only one I’ve ever genuinely loved. I did not know what I was doing, and I still haven’t forgiven myself. I blame myself day and night and I’ve never been able to rest from this problem. Basically, I lied of having a relationship with someone who didn’t exist. I am aware of the stupidity and I do deserve it. The reason, an unjustified one, was probably because I wanted to prove myself to the people I used to socialize with.
After the day I explained to everyone involved, I stopped hanging out with them and I've been on my own. I knew I did the right thing when I explained it to her, and I have no idea how she took it, but I feel an overwhelming desire for her. Two years. I’ve loved her every day for 2 years. Every day I have suppressed the feeling, glancing away when she walks past me. I haven’t lived for 2 years. By now, I’ve forgot the definition of living. What could I ever do? I can’t live on like this. I’ve been contemplating suicide for the preceding weeks.
This is not my only problem. I’m feeling more and more overwhelmed by more demanding work in my new grade and the teachers have expectations I can only meet if I sacrifice my own well-being. I’m feeling let down by myself all the time, and I feel so lazy when I work less than 3 hours a day. I have one friend, a very good one, and he unknowingly helps keeping me alive--but I can’t take it anymore. I have one year until I leave this school, where I can rebuild my social network in A-levels. I know that lie is the root of my depression. I don’t think I can survive going every day to the school with the thought of seeing her, the thought of how to act if she says hello to me and the fact I’ve always acknowledged – I’ll never have her.
I feel increasingly depressed, and schoolwork has become incredibly burdening. It feels like I’ve done nothing with my life. I’ve never had a relationship, I’ve never fully enjoyed myself socializing and I’ve never been natural with girls. I feel like I’m having a breakdown. The loneliness and emptiness is killing me, and I don’t know what I could do to exit this viscous evil circle. Does anyone have any advice to what I could do?
Sorry for the size...
DF.
I’m finding myself overwhelmed by my own depression. I need help… I can’t control myself anymore. Depression hits me daily, and every time it happens I feel so incredibly and severely depressed, and I want to solve this. I genuinely want to, but the problem is complicated, and it is clear that I've stayed idle for too long. Please bear with me.
Three years ago I was content with my life, basically living in blissful ignorance. I have always bottled up my feelings, never expressing myself fully, staying idle and introvert. I feel I can't control myself -- the pressure is increasing, and I'll soon pop.
Everything started when I lied to the only one I’ve ever genuinely loved. I did not know what I was doing, and I still haven’t forgiven myself. I blame myself day and night and I’ve never been able to rest from this problem. Basically, I lied of having a relationship with someone who didn’t exist. I am aware of the stupidity and I do deserve it. The reason, an unjustified one, was probably because I wanted to prove myself to the people I used to socialize with.
After the day I explained to everyone involved, I stopped hanging out with them and I've been on my own. I knew I did the right thing when I explained it to her, and I have no idea how she took it, but I feel an overwhelming desire for her. Two years. I’ve loved her every day for 2 years. Every day I have suppressed the feeling, glancing away when she walks past me. I haven’t lived for 2 years. By now, I’ve forgot the definition of living. What could I ever do? I can’t live on like this. I’ve been contemplating suicide for the preceding weeks.
This is not my only problem. I’m feeling more and more overwhelmed by more demanding work in my new grade and the teachers have expectations I can only meet if I sacrifice my own well-being. I’m feeling let down by myself all the time, and I feel so lazy when I work less than 3 hours a day. I have one friend, a very good one, and he unknowingly helps keeping me alive--but I can’t take it anymore. I have one year until I leave this school, where I can rebuild my social network in A-levels. I know that lie is the root of my depression. I don’t think I can survive going every day to the school with the thought of seeing her, the thought of how to act if she says hello to me and the fact I’ve always acknowledged – I’ll never have her.
I feel increasingly depressed, and schoolwork has become incredibly burdening. It feels like I’ve done nothing with my life. I’ve never had a relationship, I’ve never fully enjoyed myself socializing and I’ve never been natural with girls. I feel like I’m having a breakdown. The loneliness and emptiness is killing me, and I don’t know what I could do to exit this viscous evil circle. Does anyone have any advice to what I could do?
Sorry for the size...
DF.
0
Comments
When you have really strong feelings for someone, and you think this person is the one. Then this can be translated into love. But it's not love, it's unrequited. There is plenty of fish in the sea, this girl may be great, spectacular but she's not the only one. Stop dwelling on things, you've got school. There's uni to look forward to. Get up and go out with your mates. Have fun. If the depression is too bad then get help from a professional.
Yes, I'm 16, and I know this will go over. It's a whole year though, and I feel like every day is a burden. Every single day. And I can't go out with my mates, because I've lost them. I know I should wait, suppress my feelings, but my affection is overwhelming and I feel so unnatural these days. I know I've caused this situation myself, but I need some advice regarding how to solve my lack of well-being.
I still believe in the fact that I must be obsessed with her. My heart responds every time i see her, and I can barely sleep at night. Yesterday, I just slept 6 hours, for I could not fall asleep and I woke up an hour before I should. Everything's so painful... I feel an increasing self-pity nowadays... and it's getting worse right now, for she's starting to talk to me.
Just out of the blue, she's cured my colour blindness which I've had for the past 2 years. But she's making me even more hurt, because my emotions are so intense and immature that it hurts everytime i see her talking to someone else. I know i sound incredibly childish, and this kind of promotes adultism atm, but i cant live like this. I really cant. She's too wonderful not to love...
I've always been pondering the chance of wasting your life, not ending up old and regretting everything you've done. I feel just like this now. I'm so fucking sick of ignoring evrything, letting life drag me along. I want to seize the day... Tell her how much I love her... I write letters to her which i throw away. I guess my obsession is pretty clear... But i dont know what i could ever do, because everything i simulate, would end up in shit... and who knows, i've kind of put myself in this position myself... I just wish I'd never lied to her. I'm sick of being introvert. I want to live this life... but everytime i want to, I have no idea how.. and then I end up in a week-end with nothing to do, all on my own.
Please? Advice is really needed...
I dunno... I think we're establishing a new friendship at the moment. The thing is, I can't conclude anything from her behaviour. We do converse quite a lot now, but she does that to everyone - why should i be so different? I... I feel so cornered. If i was to guess, I'd say she has forgiven me, because she did send an e-mail to me afterwards, with vague hints... but I don't feel worthy of her. That's the problem. How could she ever trust me? It's gone 2 years... but i like your idea. I was thinking of buying her coffee, or something... and explain everything... but I've got a lot of ideas - it's kind of the only thing I think about all day. I'm getting a bank card soon, and I'm thinking of sending a bouquet to her, but that's too shy...
I have to do something though, that I know for sure. I just want to thank everyone... ventilating just relieves a lot of pressure, and ppls' advice have been helpful...
For once, i'm gonna surprise myself! Ignore the consequences...
I think buying her a coffee and sitting down and telling her how you feel is a great idea - just dont go overboard or she'll get freaked out.
If she likes you, then great.
If she doesn't, chances are you'll get over her pretty quickly tbh.
I used to obsess over girls a bit, but never really talk to them much. The attraction is the mystery of who they are, what they think of you.
Once someone rejects you, you see them in a whole new light, and its rarely a good one.
Do it, get it over with and get on with your life, whatever the outcome.
PM me if ya like.
Edit: PS when you leave school life is sooooooo much fucking better, you wouldn't believe :thumb:
I'll be economic with my explanation. Guaranteed.
remember dont go overboard when you tell her you like her or she may get a bit freaked out. take is easy, and slow and youll be great :thumb: are u in college already? if not then youll make mates there who dont know about your past, but if you are then uni youll make tons of mates. One silly mistake should not ruin your life - dont let it
I feel like im overreacting again. I can't get my head around anything anymore, and I don't know what to feel anymore. Everything's such a mystery.
I had a great time, and she seems to be the best thing i've ever set eyes on, but i think i'm only a friend to her, and, in that case, I believe it's better if i stay away from her.
I pray to God no one will find this. I'd be doomed. Enough self-pity, time to take control over the situation. I think I'm fine, my emotions are an entire mess.
at least now you know (or at least have some idea) where you stand.
chin up
The date was fantastic--just being with her alone feels like being in another world. I forgot any kind of burden on my shoulders. What a dream! We went together for coffee at Starbucks.
Sure, i'm fine - she's already hinted at a second "date", which is kind of my problem. She didn't see it as a date... she probably sees me as a friend, which I have a problem understanding.. I don't know what's going in in that complex mind of hers. We were alone for several hours and just talked - i could swear there was something in her eyes.
I yearn so for her, but I feel that she's not willing to talk to me, for example, while online, or in school. Hah, i guess my only problem is that i feel so passionate for her and that she has probably had several relationships in the past - i just wish she'd show her interest a bit more, or at least clarify her intentions, so that she does not mislead me and hurt me more, as I feel i'm soon falling off the edge. Plus I feel so vulnerable after I've seen her. It just makes me wonder, when it becomes too much for me to cope. I'm gonna take one thing at a time, and I won't let anything get to me. I feel that all of this (even though I sometimes wish I just forgot everything) has made me happier. School is suddenly not such a burden and i feel new enthusiasm flowing through my body, the zest to learn -- i've stopped regarding school work as a burden and an obligatory thing. Also, i feel an increased confidence and i'll never call myself introvert anymore. Thanks to everyone here for their help and support, even though this might sound trivial,
I just wish I could turn back time. That might motivate me in physics.
My constructive plan: next time she invites me for coffee, which i hope will happen soon (according to her promise
I can't bear this pressure in my body--this unexplicable anxiety-- the feeling of eternal solitude... the fear of never getting to see her again. I get this feeling whenever I see photos of her, when she's with her friends. I need to get this mess clarified! Nothing else matters at the moment. Besides, I have no timidity left in my body. I would be able to say this right into her beautiful eyes.
Will it help? Will she hate me? Will she get freaked out? If only this was a easier. I just feel a need to do something - to act. Please, is this just a stage? It seems like I can't be myself anymore. My natural self was lost long ago, I admit, but this.. this is downright pathetic. I'm not myself anymore, I must be another person.
Are you scared that you won't meet anybody like her again?
However, I think you need to do something different, if it has lasted this long then the way you're responding to it must be in need of a change. Maybe start actively trying to challenge the thoughts you have when they come up like you mentioned ("she's the only thing worth living for" etc... you have your whole life to live for, i'm sure if you think hard there are a lot of other things you've enjoyed in the past). Keeping yourself occupied is pretty important, but I guess that's really hard when your mind is always elsewhere... just need something you can really focus on, or at least partially.... something you enjoy (maybe not school work).
To be really honest, I don't know if it's wise to carry on trying to start anything with her... though it may work out, and though you may really like her, annddd though it may feel like she's worth the 2 years of anguish you've had... it might be better to just give up on her, and when you find someone new, take a different approach to getting to know her etc (so you hopefully won't feel so bad for so long if you ever break up - i don't mean like hold yourself back, but you said you realise the mistakes you made/regretted, so just try something a little different).
Try not to let your low self-worth get to you, your a worthwhile person, I always liked you just from bits on the boards (that IS if you're the person im thinking of
Anyway hope ure doing ok, just my two cents
I've just been thinking... and I know it'll never work out... I know the real problem isn't my obsession with her, it's my loneliness. I feel like i've missed out on incredibly, almost unfathomably, much in my life. I don't have so much experience at all... everyone around me has so many stories to tell, so much experience(which i know for sure is true...). I just wish I'd never the problems i have today - e.g. not knowing where to stand before class starts, what words to use when talking to her, where i should have my hands... I guess i've become so incredibly introvert during last year, when i locked myself in my own room to get the grades i currently have... now i've been introduced to new sentiments... I feel like i want to live... feel the life in my body, and i cant do it. I want to, when I hear about it, go out and enjoy myself, spend time with girlfriends... go to parties with friends. I know this might give you some sort of image that i'm a total nerd, which i fully understand... but rest assured, i am not. I want to get liberated from this seemingly unvanquishable anxiety. I don't want to feel restrictions any more - i'm sick of it. I'm fed up with everyone's expectations.. with my own expecations.. and, in particular my problems with morality... that i feel guilty when i don't study x hours a day.
I know for sure this isn't me, and i know everything messed up when i lied to her, and stopped socialising with those classmates...my world fell apart. But I'm happy now, for i believe i can go through this, putting aside my suicidal thoughts for a moment and feel ambition and happiness, no matter how depressing loneliness can feel. I have a feeling in my body at the moment... a feeling of unlimited confidence... as if i could take on the world all in the same time... I want my voice to be heard, to be appreciated, to be considered, to be of worth. Haha, my feelings are incredibly ambiguous... pending between happiness and depression and severe depression. I guess it's the effect i get from soda.
I can understand how you feel though... glad things are kind of on the up, but gotta remember it will be a slow kind of process, so don't expect anything instant but you can change things if you set your mind to it
NO reason at all to feel guilty about the studying thing btw! I studied less than a few hours a week last year at uni and it all turned out ok... I'm sure you're capable of the same results if you study a little less, should definately at least have one day a week of not studying, just to relax!