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Can Anyone Help?
Former Member
Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
Hello, I'm new here. I wonder if anyone can help me with my really, really messy life. I really don't know what to do and I can't talk to anyone about it because all my friends are involved because they're my friends.
So, here goes... All my life really (or all my sexual life I guess) I've pretty much been acting like a little whore. Which obviously isn't making me happy but I've never known any different/better. So, then I met this guy, Andrew, and I talked to him about all this stuff and about loads of other stuff, like my whole life, everything that I was. And he told me that I wasn't a whore (even all my friends said I was a whore) and lots of other stuff and he told me about him too. I didn't plan for it or even think of it as a possibility, but suddenly I found myself having feelings for this guy. And I've never had feelings for anyone before, except for just sexual feelings. And he had these same feelings for me and it was a really big deal. Really big. But there was this one massive problem. He is my best friend's brother. And Claire told us it completely wasn't allowed. Not ever, for no reason.
So we didn't know what to do. Then we had this party, me and Claire and obviously Andrew was there and of course it all came out, that we liked each other, that we'd kissed and that we'd lied about it. So she was really angry and I cried and screamed etc, which obviously the rest of the party must have heard.
She has said she will forgive me and wants to help me be better, as do all my other friends. But I don't know how I'm going to go about without Andrew in my life, like he actually makes me feel okay. That sounds stupid. But I only feel alright when he is there. But there's another problem. He didn't mean shit of anything he said to me. He was just confused because he thought some other girl didn't like him. I meant absolutely nothing to him. Which is fine, I mean nothing to any of the guys I fuck, but I didn't fuck him and I actually shared myself with me and after all that I get rejected just the same, except it feels a million times worse because for once I was actually real and honest about something just to get it thrown back in my face. And I'm not even angry with him. I physically can't be angry with him. I don't know how. My whole life is completely messed up and it's as much his fault as it is mine. That's true, right? But he says he did and still does feel that stuff. So what the hell is he doing then? If he means it, then why does he want this other girl instead of me? One day he was saying not being able to be with me would ruin his life and he'd never get over it and the next he is saying that he's thought about it and he wants to try it out with this other girl. He even talked to me about their relationship.
So can anyone help? What the hell is going on here and what the hell am I supposed to do? If Claire was angry instead of being willing to fix things with me, then I think I probably would have turned my back on everything else to be with Andrew. I'm having trouble working out what kind of person I am, and how he can so easily forget all that stuff.
Love Mila
So, here goes... All my life really (or all my sexual life I guess) I've pretty much been acting like a little whore. Which obviously isn't making me happy but I've never known any different/better. So, then I met this guy, Andrew, and I talked to him about all this stuff and about loads of other stuff, like my whole life, everything that I was. And he told me that I wasn't a whore (even all my friends said I was a whore) and lots of other stuff and he told me about him too. I didn't plan for it or even think of it as a possibility, but suddenly I found myself having feelings for this guy. And I've never had feelings for anyone before, except for just sexual feelings. And he had these same feelings for me and it was a really big deal. Really big. But there was this one massive problem. He is my best friend's brother. And Claire told us it completely wasn't allowed. Not ever, for no reason.
So we didn't know what to do. Then we had this party, me and Claire and obviously Andrew was there and of course it all came out, that we liked each other, that we'd kissed and that we'd lied about it. So she was really angry and I cried and screamed etc, which obviously the rest of the party must have heard.
She has said she will forgive me and wants to help me be better, as do all my other friends. But I don't know how I'm going to go about without Andrew in my life, like he actually makes me feel okay. That sounds stupid. But I only feel alright when he is there. But there's another problem. He didn't mean shit of anything he said to me. He was just confused because he thought some other girl didn't like him. I meant absolutely nothing to him. Which is fine, I mean nothing to any of the guys I fuck, but I didn't fuck him and I actually shared myself with me and after all that I get rejected just the same, except it feels a million times worse because for once I was actually real and honest about something just to get it thrown back in my face. And I'm not even angry with him. I physically can't be angry with him. I don't know how. My whole life is completely messed up and it's as much his fault as it is mine. That's true, right? But he says he did and still does feel that stuff. So what the hell is he doing then? If he means it, then why does he want this other girl instead of me? One day he was saying not being able to be with me would ruin his life and he'd never get over it and the next he is saying that he's thought about it and he wants to try it out with this other girl. He even talked to me about their relationship.
So can anyone help? What the hell is going on here and what the hell am I supposed to do? If Claire was angry instead of being willing to fix things with me, then I think I probably would have turned my back on everything else to be with Andrew. I'm having trouble working out what kind of person I am, and how he can so easily forget all that stuff.
Love Mila
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Comments
firstly, PARAGRAPHS! i found that really hard to read!
secondly, i dont think your friends should be calling you a whore. thats not nice, even if you are acting like one. how old are you and this guy?
i think this will help you to turn around your life. this is how it feels to be hurt, and some of the guys uve slept with in the past may have felt this way once you'de finished with them.
sounds like andrew is very confused. obviously he's got some loyalty towards this other girl, but he obviously likes you aswell. He's trying to be honest with you, but thats hard when you dont know what you want, like it seems he is.
my advice? dont get your hopes up on this guy, as he's torn between two people, BUT do learn a lesson from this!
I think Claire probably forbade the relationship beginning due to your reputation, she was protecting her brother from getting hurt. It was a kind and obviously difficult for her to forgive and such and she's obviously a good friend to you. I think if she'd have been angry, it may have made this relationship sustain for longer just because it would still be 'forbidden' and more exciting maybe? That's not saying it actually would of though, just a theory.
I think that you have to look out for yourself now if you're wanting to make changes to your lifestyle. I know you have feelings for this guy, but I think he's insensitive knowing you like him and he's there talking about this other girl. If a guy genuinely wants to be with you, he doesn't do that. It'll make you feel low about yourself. You think you've found someone who understands you but you don't need him to make you feel better or complete you. I think you may have low self asteem, or maybe you'd realise that you're worth more than to be treated like that, and you wouldn't cling to the idea that he likes you. On the things you've said, I think he's being a mind-fuck, keeping you on his tail by saying he could see himself with you, just incase he loses out on this girl. You're giving him an ego boost and someone to fall back on, second to the girl he really wants.
Have you ever thought about seeing someone? I know it may seem an odd suggestion but you seem to have experienced 'sexual feelings' and maybe there's something that stops you from forming emotional attachments? Is there something in your past that maybe makes you push people away?
Thank you for writing back to me. Do you really think that my friends shouldn't be calling me a whore even if I am? Couldn't that just be called honesty?
We are both 20. So I'm still young. Yeah, I can probably change things.
I think you're probably right that this will trun my life around. I just don't want to give up on what feels, right now anyway, like the only thing that could make me happy. But if I want my friendship with not only Claire, but all my friends really, then I have to. And besides, Andrew already has. Which is the worst part. Seriously, one day it was I can wait three months and we'll ask Claire again if we still feel this way and the next, the actual next day, he told me he had feelings for this other girl. The other girl was away for the time stuff happened between us and she "hadn't told him where he stood." Do I just think of him as someone else who has fucked with me, or do I believe him?
I don't think any of the guys I've ever slept with will have been hurt by my behaviour or by never seeing me again. I acted like a whore so I ended up with the kind of guys who wanted a whore. Nothing more. So it was convenient, not hurtful, that they could talk about their girlfriends, wives in front of me, have me meet their girlfriends and not say anything, and then still fuck them afterwards. That's the kind of guys I hung about with.
I guess you're right, I have to just block this guy out my head and never think about it again. But I got rejected for being a real person and that's really shit.
I'll try to remember to paragraph better.
Thanks again,
Mila
I think you've now seen that not all guys are lusting for a sex-only fling with you. I think Andrew was genuine in the moment but whilst he's torn between two, I don't think he's the wisest choice. I can definitely know see what draws you to someone who you've opened up to, but trust me, there are other kindly guys who are the same - they're a different ball game to the type of guys you've previously gone for.
You seem to have a head on your shoulders and want to better your life. I think Andrew is someone you should try and avoid being too close to, at least untill you're the primary girl for him. If you did get with him, knowing his indecision, do you not think it would manifest paranoia and insecurity about whether he genuinely has feelings for you, whether he thinks about her, whethers he's 'making do' with you?
Why the hell would he say that stuff AND say that he still means it (and I do believe him, God knows why) and then not bother to fight for me? And why do I want him to want to fight for me to the detriment of all these other people, himself and me really in the end?
I think you are right that Claire was protecting him somehow. She told me that she feels sorry for him that I made him feel things he had never felt before. But this was when we actually thought he meant them... But I think the person she was protecting most was herself. And I understand that that comes from her being hurt and being damaged as a person like everyone is. But it is a lot to ask of someone- your unhappiness in exchange for theirs in a way. I suppose we were asking it of each other.
I think you could be right about the forbidden thing. He admitted that that was a part of his feeling for me. I really don't think it is a part of my feelings, but maybe it is. Claire says I just wanted what I couldn't have. But why is she able to tell me that I can't have it?
Not right now. I don't want to be with anyone but this guy right now. Until I work this out and until I work out how to act in a real way, I am better to stay away from people in general really, but guys in particular. When I wrote 'just sexual feeling', I meant solely desire and wanting. Nothing else. Nothing more. Honestly. So I don't know what the hell it is that people do with real feelings.
Love Mila
Whores take money for sex...are you taking money? If not then you're not a whore. Just girl that likes sex!
Wont go into reason why you got rejected - if you allow yourself to be walked over then you will be! Stand up for yourself and don't fuck these guys for bit, as it doesn't seem to do you any good?!
I'd suggest taking a break from going out. Seem you give up sex too easy in order to feel loved imo, but that is never gonna last. You tried to open up to bloke and got burnt. I've have to say not all blokes are wankers but we do scare easy. Thats why it's a good idea not to tell bloke numbers/details about your sex history until your in relationship with trust etc. (something which you may not be use to?)
I believe this is just phase your going through so wouldn't worry too much if I were you. While at moment it seems your world is crashing down around you and your hurting. Try take step back and look at it as learning one of life's little lessons. Your meet more blokes/make new girl friends.
I'd also do as malteser monkay and look into why you act way you do, it might be some deep rooted problem relating back to childhood that can be fixed.
Okay, new question. I know this is going to sound totally bizarre... but here goes. Today is the first day I haven't seen or spoken to this guy since two weeks ago when we went out for a drink together by ourselves for the first time. That only happened because no-one else could come, but that's another story...
Anyway, I haven't seen or heard from him today and it's driving me crazy. It feels like something is missing. Is this what everyone feels for people they like? Is this what it feels like when you cant have something you want? Is that why it feels like shit, because I want him but I can't have him? Because I never tried to be anything better than a whore before, I've never wanted anything I couldn't have before.
By the way, I didn't get paid but some of those guys should have fucking paid me, lol. I know that there is absolutely nothing wrong with that kind of life or that kind of behaviour. Nothing at all, and yes, I like sex (a lot) so on some levels I really, really enjoyed it... But, more clearly, I should say there is nothing wrong with that kind of life if you are comfortable with it and if it is making you happy. But it isn't making me happy, so I have stuff to think about.
Anyway, like I said I feel like he is the only person who makes everything okay. It's like I know everything is going to be okay. I know I can cope with stuff if he is there because he believes that I'm worth something, I guess. Even my friends don't. No-one has ever really believed I was worth something before. He says I am better than the way I am treating myself. No-one has ever said that to me before. Hell, no-one has ever just said 'I like you' before. I've heard a lot of shit, but never that.
I've never felt so comfortable with anyone as I do with him. Looking at his face makes me smile, despite a million other things. Once he kissed me and I cried. I have no idea why. It feels like somehow we just fit together, like two bits of a jigsaw. He said that.
So what is going on here? Is it him, or is it just that it feels good to have someone say that I am worth something?
Love Mila
That's pretty much what it feels like. At the end of the day, it doesn't matter who you've been or what you've done. You may have been too promiscuous and it made you unhappy... someone I was very close to has recently gone down this path and I can see it's making her unhappy yet she does it anyway.
But, you are who you choose to be - by the choices of your actions and so forth. It seems like Andrew is confused as well as you, and maybe for the time being, although it seems difficult, a bit of time to think would do you good.
Unfortunately, the most prominent thing about love is that it hurts like hell. But find someone you can share love with and you will live a life like no other. Hope things turn out ok for you, it seems now all you can do is wait.
If you need to chat feel free to send me a private message or whatever