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Confidence
Former Member
Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
Okay, so yesterday we had a family party for my cousin's 18th and there were a lot of relatives there, some of which were quite distant and i don't see very often. Now, when i know someone well, i'm just as chatty and confident as anyone else, but with these distant relatives i found it hard to talk to 'em and at the end of it, i didn't even go and say bye to them because I start becoming shy and it becomes a real effort. Now I feel bad, because they probably all think i'm an ignorant bastard. I don't know what it is, a lack of confidence in myself or something, but i react in a similar way when I go out with a mate and we meet up with a load of his work mates who i don't really know and i end up like the shy boy in the corner. It's like, i know i've always had a slight inferiority complex, ie i feel like people are always sniggering at me behind my back or talking about me, but when i look at it sensibly i know of course the're not and even if they were, why should i give a shite? But i just can't help it. When it's people I don't know so well, it's almost like I feel i'm not worthy of their company and i'll only speak when spoken to. It's the same with senior staff at work. If they say good morning or something, i can never look em back in the eye and just sort of grunt a half greeting. What the hell is wrong with me?!
Another thing i've noticed is when i have to make a big decision about something i'm always searching for someone's approval before i do it. I'm 21, and should be able to just do my own thing without caring what anyone else thinks, but for some reason i'm always wanting the green light from a family member or friend before i do anything. Is this another confidence issue? Another thing i find, is that i'm always trying to prove to people that i'm good at this and i'm good at that. Why is not enough to just prove it to myself? I guess this is another searching for approval thing.
One more thing is that I know deep inside i have the talent to become really good at stuff (i.e I play a lot of golf at a good level) but when it comes to the crunch I just say 'ahhh i'll never be much good' and don't bother practicing and i just can't seem to get myself motivated. Someone told me once that this is some sort of fear of becoming successful because it's just easier to do nothing and be a lazy moaner. Is there any truth in that?
Anyways, when i look at myself truthfully, i know i'm a good person. I know i deserve to get where i wanna go, i know i'm nice, intelligent, good looking etc... but when it comes to it, i just can't help but continue to put myself down. It's the same with girls. I know i'm good enough to have the nicest girl out there, but when it actually comes to the crunch i just say "ahhh she'll never like me" and sit back safe in the knowledge that it's easier to do that than actually put myself on the line. I've read so many self help books that seem to have 300 pages focused on what's wrong with you and 10 on how to fix it and ofcourse got no where. I look back and remember being a kid and remember that i was confident and happy go lucky. Where did that go? I don't wanna be like this no more, but just don't know how to help myself.
So, please help! How can i get rid of this whole inferiority thing? How can i start to get off my arse and achieve what I want to achieve? How can i stop worrying about the smallest ridiculous things in life and just do what I wanna do? And how can i finally look someone in the eye, smile and know that I'm worth it?
Another thing i've noticed is when i have to make a big decision about something i'm always searching for someone's approval before i do it. I'm 21, and should be able to just do my own thing without caring what anyone else thinks, but for some reason i'm always wanting the green light from a family member or friend before i do anything. Is this another confidence issue? Another thing i find, is that i'm always trying to prove to people that i'm good at this and i'm good at that. Why is not enough to just prove it to myself? I guess this is another searching for approval thing.
One more thing is that I know deep inside i have the talent to become really good at stuff (i.e I play a lot of golf at a good level) but when it comes to the crunch I just say 'ahhh i'll never be much good' and don't bother practicing and i just can't seem to get myself motivated. Someone told me once that this is some sort of fear of becoming successful because it's just easier to do nothing and be a lazy moaner. Is there any truth in that?
Anyways, when i look at myself truthfully, i know i'm a good person. I know i deserve to get where i wanna go, i know i'm nice, intelligent, good looking etc... but when it comes to it, i just can't help but continue to put myself down. It's the same with girls. I know i'm good enough to have the nicest girl out there, but when it actually comes to the crunch i just say "ahhh she'll never like me" and sit back safe in the knowledge that it's easier to do that than actually put myself on the line. I've read so many self help books that seem to have 300 pages focused on what's wrong with you and 10 on how to fix it and ofcourse got no where. I look back and remember being a kid and remember that i was confident and happy go lucky. Where did that go? I don't wanna be like this no more, but just don't know how to help myself.
So, please help! How can i get rid of this whole inferiority thing? How can i start to get off my arse and achieve what I want to achieve? How can i stop worrying about the smallest ridiculous things in life and just do what I wanna do? And how can i finally look someone in the eye, smile and know that I'm worth it?
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Comments
Doped up to they eyeballs in flu releif shit, but here goes..
It is weird, there's fuck all in my life that really motivates me either. I'd like to make my Mam proud of me and I'd like to have a nice job and family when I'm older, and I know if I put my mind to something I can do it, but I don't see why I should push myself forward to go and do stuff for myself.
I reckon there's a laziness factor too, I'm usually a bit shy to leave my comfort zone because it's in my mind that every time I do that I'd get hurt or something would go wrong and people would think I was silly for it. I suppose it's good that we're aware and want to change, but I don't like the thought of putting myself on the line. I'm the kind of boy that if 99 people said they loved and 1 person said they thought I was a twat, then I'd listen to the 1 who thought I was a twat.
I think you've to try and be ambivolent to yourself. It's hard as fuck to explain, but it's to do with letting stuff go over your head, and I need to learn how to do it. If somebody gives me a really nice compliment about who I am, then I really will get so embarrased and wonder why they're winding me up, and end up thinking there must be something wrong with them to say stuff like that about me?
Dunno mate. Know how you feel though.
I'm not nearly as bad as i used to be about taking stuff to heart that people say about me and that. It used to cripple me totally. It's not nearly that bad anymore, sometimes i can just say "fuck it" but it's definately still a factor sometimes....
Totally.
Past does affect the future though. That's why I never approach girls, I always just wait for them to come to me and take it from there. I always tend to go for the same ones, it's almost easier to go for someone who won't really show much interest in a relationship because I'm used to that, rather than some really lovely girl who would probably be better for me. But then it goes back to the whole "Oh she's well into me, wtf?" and stuff.
If you do think of it as comfort zones it's maybe a bit easier. I think maybe once you hit 22/23 like me, then you think you'd better change before you really piss away your youth, y'know?