Home› General Chat
If you need urgent support, call 999 or go to your nearest A&E. To contact our Crisis Messenger (open 24/7) text THEMIX to 85258.
Options

Silly jokes I heard the other day

Indrid ColdIndrid Cold Posts: 16,688 Skive's The Limit
in General Chat
-What's red and spits out wood shavings?
-Little red riding hood after giving a blowjob to Pinocchio.

-How did Cinderella die?
-At 12 her tampon became a pumpkin.

Comments

  • Options
    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    knock knock
  • Options
    Indrid ColdIndrid Cold Posts: 16,688 Skive's The Limit
    HIT wrote:
    knock knock
    *finds a guy called Knock and knocks him out*
  • Options
    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    knocks him?
  • Options
    Teh_GerbilTeh_Gerbil Posts: 13,332 Born on Earth, Raised by The Mix
    This isn't the place to knock one out.

    What do you call a guy who gets C4 stuck to his face?

    Owned.
  • Options
    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    2 mates at a bar.
    A guy comes over, taps one of them on the shoulder and says 'i shagged your mum'
    The guy at the bar just shrugs 'whatever'

    half an hour later the guy comes over again and says 'i shagged your mum, and she gave me the best head of my life'
    Again the guy at the bar is unruffled 'yeah yeah yeah...'

    an hour later the bloke comes over again and says 'I even bummed your mum'
    The dude at the bar turns round, and says 'Dad your drunk, go home!'
  • Options
    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Monsieur Croque wrote:
    2 mates at a bar.
    A guy comes over, taps one of them on the shoulder and says 'i shagged your mum'
    The guy at the bar just shrugs 'whatever'

    half an hour later the guy comes over again and says 'i shagged your mum, and she gave me the best head of my life'
    Again the guy at the bar is unruffled 'yeah yeah yeah...'

    an hour later the bloke comes over again and says 'I even bummed your mum'
    The dude at the bar turns round, and says 'Dad your drunk, go home!'

    lol!
  • Options
    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    A fireman walks down the street and sees a little girl wearing a firemans hat in a wagon being pulled by a cat and a dog. The fireman stops her and says "nice rig you've got there" she says thanks, he looks at the dog and sees the rope tied to his neck but looks at the cat and sees the rope tied to his nuts he says "if you tied the rope around the cats neck, you'll go alot faster". the girls says "yeah but then I wouldn't have a siren."

    A man walks into a pub and says to his mate "I've just had the best sex of my life with this girl I found tied up by the railroad tracks, we did all the positions and everything!" his mate says "thats great!, did you get a blowjob?" the other man says "no I couldn't find her head."

    whats the hardest part of a vegetable to eat?
    the wheelchair!
  • Options
    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    What's black and white and eats like a horse?
    A zebra.
  • Options
    Indrid ColdIndrid Cold Posts: 16,688 Skive's The Limit
    -Doctor, help! I've began to have visions of the future!
    -Hmm... and when did this start?
    -Next week.

    A granny goes up to her friend, looking upset.
    -You won't believe what happened to me! I had just got out of my house, when I saw a rapist!
    -Oh my goodness! And what did you do?
    -I ran, as fast as I could. And ran, and ran, and ran...
    -And then? And then?
    -I kept running! And running, and running, and running...
    -And what happened?
    -I ran, and ran, and ran, and ran.
    -And in the end, what happened in the end?
    -Nothing, he was too fast for me and I lost him...
  • Options
    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    The sad life of a penis:

    I've only 1 eye, my hair is a mess, my relatives are nuts, my neighbours an arsehole, my best friends a cunt and my owner's a wanker! :p
  • Options
    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    ^^^^^^^^^lmao
  • Options
    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    :p
  • Options
    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Have you heard about Jeremy Beadle? Apparently he's got a massive cock!
    On the other hand, it's not that big.
  • Options
    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    ^^^^^^ lmao x2 :D
  • Options
    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Little Anna arrives home from the first day of school:
    - Wodden benches! And they call this first class!

    - Why are you snapping your fingers?
    - To keep the tigers away.
    - But there aren't any tigers here.
    - Exactly!

    :p
  • Options
    Indrid ColdIndrid Cold Posts: 16,688 Skive's The Limit
    Zuh wrote:
    - Why are you snapping your fingers?
    - To keep the tigers away.
    - But there aren't any tigers here.
    - Exactly!
    Last time I said this joke no one got it :grump: I love it though!
  • Options
    Indrid ColdIndrid Cold Posts: 16,688 Skive's The Limit
    A sadist and a masochist are alone in a room. The masochist says:
    "Hit me! Strike me, beat me up, bring me to my knees, break my bones, make me bleed!"
    The sadist says:
    "No."
  • Options
    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Joke

    A guy goes to the doctors with an orange knob...
    Doc says, "Do you work with chemicals?"
    Guy says, "No"
    Doc says, "Do you do any heavy lifting?"
    Guy says, "No"
    Doc says, "What do you do all day?"
    Guy says, "Watch porn and eat Wotsits!"
  • Options
    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Why does Jeremy Beadle never win at poker?
    He's always got a crap hand!
  • Options
    Teh_GerbilTeh_Gerbil Posts: 13,332 Born on Earth, Raised by The Mix
    Thunderstruck wrote:
    Why does Jeremy Beadle never win at poker?
    He's always got a crap hand!
    :lol:
Sign In or Register to comment.