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Former Member
Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
Hiya
I am new to this site but am in need of a little advice. I have been with my Fiance for over a year but have a few trust issues - if I tell you all everything that has happened could you please give your opinion on whether I am the problem or if you think there are issues to work on.
Firstly
When I got with Paul he was a smoker but agreed to give up anyway i suspected that he was smoking and one day i saw him smoking a fag - i challenged him and he said he had given up - he smelt of smoke but still insisted that he was not smoking. This has happened more times than i can remember - i have felt betrayed and let down that he continues to smoke although he has 'given up'
This lack of trust over the smoking encouraged me to look at his phone (BIG MISTAKE) I found something i didnt want to see.
He had a 'mate' saved as "sexy Sarah" on his contacts - I was saved as Laura (pub) as that was where he met me.
Anyway i had a few issues with this and was quite hurt by it - In rage i told him to delete it as i was ffended by that. he said he had deleted it and that he was sorry but she was only a mate - few months later he saw her out i wasnt too pleased with the obvious 'flirting' and he attitude towards me - she gave him a kiss and then text him - "sorry if i have ruined things with your jealous bitch of a girlfriend was only talking to you - you can do far better than her babes" with no credit he left it til next day when he sent her "you looked as gorgeous as ever last night sorry about her she is just a moody cow these days, have a great weekend and i will take you out soon lots of love Paul xxxx"
Anyway I am led to believe that he will complain to her when we have 'arguments' one being when i was busy at college with an important peice of work - i took the pressure out on him slightly and few messages for weeks later read "you are better off out of it your a great guy", "if she is going to be a stroppy bitch get rid of her and find someone better" etc why would he be so mean behind my back - i know i talk to mates about issues but would certainly stick up for him if messages liek that were sent - he was sending messages back such as [i know its great to have a freind like you to talk to"
well annoyed by all of this i looked on his contacts again - he has two phones one of which was his old phone - he kept that one in case anyone still wanted to use it after 3 months of no-one contacting him i decided to look - there were no messages but she was still saved on there as "sexy sarah" so i deleted it in anger knowing it was on his new phone anyway so it wouldnt cause any damage - anyway his phone broke and had to get it fixed i took it in they advised me to delete all numbers. thsi meant that her number was gone on both phones at the moment i am waiting for the phone to come back. He will then know that i deleted her number and knowing that he has feelings for her he will get stroppy that he no longer has it.
so i need advice about that first of all.
Secondly I may sound possessive and jealous but the behaviour he has shown has been hurtful and worrying - we are engaged and are happy apart from these small issues. we get on very well and i love him very much so this has worried me - i have let him get away with a lot but this may be the last straw each time i bring up any questions on sarah and their freindship/relationship he threatens to leave me for being "neurotic/paranoid" I feel like im to blame however the intersting thing is when i get an email/text from a guy he will ask who he is, how i know him etc.
i know it seems like thete is no trust and relationship needs trust yadda yadda but we are mature and adult enough to handle this and get over it - sometimes however it seems as though i touch a nerve and he goes on a defensive trying to acuse me of stuff to take blame off him.
Would you guys say that he is up to something or just friends with this girl? Bearing in mind he is friends with many girls (lots in fact which i dont mind) but with sarah its different he has an avatar under her contact and under mine but NO ONE else! it seems weird that what he would so for me he would do for her although she is "only a friend"
any suggestions greatly recieved
Thanks in advance
Laura
I am new to this site but am in need of a little advice. I have been with my Fiance for over a year but have a few trust issues - if I tell you all everything that has happened could you please give your opinion on whether I am the problem or if you think there are issues to work on.
Firstly
When I got with Paul he was a smoker but agreed to give up anyway i suspected that he was smoking and one day i saw him smoking a fag - i challenged him and he said he had given up - he smelt of smoke but still insisted that he was not smoking. This has happened more times than i can remember - i have felt betrayed and let down that he continues to smoke although he has 'given up'
This lack of trust over the smoking encouraged me to look at his phone (BIG MISTAKE) I found something i didnt want to see.
He had a 'mate' saved as "sexy Sarah" on his contacts - I was saved as Laura (pub) as that was where he met me.
Anyway i had a few issues with this and was quite hurt by it - In rage i told him to delete it as i was ffended by that. he said he had deleted it and that he was sorry but she was only a mate - few months later he saw her out i wasnt too pleased with the obvious 'flirting' and he attitude towards me - she gave him a kiss and then text him - "sorry if i have ruined things with your jealous bitch of a girlfriend was only talking to you - you can do far better than her babes" with no credit he left it til next day when he sent her "you looked as gorgeous as ever last night sorry about her she is just a moody cow these days, have a great weekend and i will take you out soon lots of love Paul xxxx"
Anyway I am led to believe that he will complain to her when we have 'arguments' one being when i was busy at college with an important peice of work - i took the pressure out on him slightly and few messages for weeks later read "you are better off out of it your a great guy", "if she is going to be a stroppy bitch get rid of her and find someone better" etc why would he be so mean behind my back - i know i talk to mates about issues but would certainly stick up for him if messages liek that were sent - he was sending messages back such as [i know its great to have a freind like you to talk to"
well annoyed by all of this i looked on his contacts again - he has two phones one of which was his old phone - he kept that one in case anyone still wanted to use it after 3 months of no-one contacting him i decided to look - there were no messages but she was still saved on there as "sexy sarah" so i deleted it in anger knowing it was on his new phone anyway so it wouldnt cause any damage - anyway his phone broke and had to get it fixed i took it in they advised me to delete all numbers. thsi meant that her number was gone on both phones at the moment i am waiting for the phone to come back. He will then know that i deleted her number and knowing that he has feelings for her he will get stroppy that he no longer has it.
so i need advice about that first of all.
Secondly I may sound possessive and jealous but the behaviour he has shown has been hurtful and worrying - we are engaged and are happy apart from these small issues. we get on very well and i love him very much so this has worried me - i have let him get away with a lot but this may be the last straw each time i bring up any questions on sarah and their freindship/relationship he threatens to leave me for being "neurotic/paranoid" I feel like im to blame however the intersting thing is when i get an email/text from a guy he will ask who he is, how i know him etc.
i know it seems like thete is no trust and relationship needs trust yadda yadda but we are mature and adult enough to handle this and get over it - sometimes however it seems as though i touch a nerve and he goes on a defensive trying to acuse me of stuff to take blame off him.
Would you guys say that he is up to something or just friends with this girl? Bearing in mind he is friends with many girls (lots in fact which i dont mind) but with sarah its different he has an avatar under her contact and under mine but NO ONE else! it seems weird that what he would so for me he would do for her although she is "only a friend"
any suggestions greatly recieved
Thanks in advance
Laura
0
Comments
I just wonder what it is between them - not sure she is even bothered about him she is just trying to cause trouble.
Im really scared
There are people who are just like that.
When he smokes and lies about smoking its because i stress him out but a few days before he has said i dont think i could ever smoke again the smell makes me sick. he has fags hidden in his room.
Also with this girl he is very secretive - it could be that he is scared to cause confrontation but the little details such as personalising his phone contacts with a picture on mine and her contacts and no one else - its a little dodgy.
When challenged about a small thing he is argumentative i just want these issues to be discussed - just to put my mind at ease but it doesnt happen - if he could convince me it was friendship and nothing dodgy and weird i would be happy!
Yeah i know that buut he sees it as her liking him - i know people like that but it doesnt help the issue i have with her. She doesnt seem interested in him she just wants to ruin things between us
If we can talk it all over we can get over any issues - but i think I have ruined it by deleting her number that my only issue at the moment - I know it was wrong but i explained why - what can I do for now??
But also i can see why he's being arsey with you because if i ever found that anyone had gone through my phone i would hit the roof. If you don't trust each other you should not be together. I might not have trusted some other halves but i would never go through their phones. Plus the more you go on about her the more it will annoy him and the more it will drive a wedge between you.
If it was me i'd have a clear the air talk and explain to him why you've been narky, why you're worried and that he needs to be more honest and respect your feelings with regard to this girl. But you also need to be honest and admit to reading his phone. At the end of the day jealousy is a bad thing. I always think if someone is going to cheat they will do it and there's no point in making it worse or your life miserable by continously stressing.
He has not smoked, not sent/recieved dodgy messages and with him around i know that and things have been relaxed.
I would still say that the constant lies and secrets have caused me to look at his phone - i know i was wrong and it is a bad thing but i started off trusting him completely - he has read my messages which i dont mind i have nothing to hide - he is very carefull with where he leaves his phone - WHICH WOULD SUGGEST SOMETHING IS GOING ON! he doesnt know i look at it but is very careful with it. he is very secretive and lies are a regular feature with him in our relationship - no one could blame me for lack of trust!
"Just" the lies? I'd say they're a pretty considerable problem, and I'd have to second the "why are you together" emotion.
I wouldn't be ok with my boyfriend sending those texts to a friend, especially one who obviously has no respect for you or his relationship... and, in fact, seems to be quite intent on breaking it up. I'd have a LOUD and to-the-point word in his lughole to the effect that you're fine with him texting his mates but if he's going to talk shit about you then he should grow a pair and say it to your face.
Now, as for the smoking, he smoked before he met you and I think it's a pretty big thing to try and change about a person if they don't actually want to quit (and obviously he doesn't since he's still puffing away). I think you need to accept that he's still smoking and try and support him if and when he wants to give up for himself; the way things are now with you insisting he be a non-smoker you are actively fostering lies and secretive behaviour in your relationship. Smoking isn't the end of the world, if you really dislike it that much then maybe this isn't the man for you.
Love is blind.
And as for him sending those messages saying she was looking gorgeous as ever i would go absolutely mental at my boyfriend, things like that shouldn't be said imo.
Trust can be re built in a relationship but i think your fella is gonna have to sort himself out, you can't carry on being in a relationship with no trust because it will turn into a game of catching each other out and make you drift apart.
Maybe tell him it's make or break and he might start to realise what he has got and what he could be losing.
Totally Agree.
My boyfriend is a smoker and i have tried so many times to make him stop, he has tried a couple and lasted a week but it's going to the pub with mates which is where he just gives in.
Iv'e just accepted that he is a smoker and was before we were together, i know eventually when the time is right for him he will stop, or as he said it would probably take becoming a father to make him stop..
I love him and i love the relationship I just don't know what to do about this girl - he is with me, marrying me but I don't want him involved with her - when I finish college we can move - far away!
he sound untrustworthy and imo, you'll end up getting hurt. why should you have to moved to be together? you wanna be together, you should be able to do it anywhere. i think your best of having a clean break and let him get on with whatever it is he wants to do
Found out she was seeing him all along. Even though she said she loved me and wanted nobody else.
So you know, I think sometimes you can't trust them blindly.
The thing is, it might seem like if you move away then your problems will be over, but actually the chances are the same issues will follow you. While on the surface you feel that the obvious problem is this girl, even if she disappears the overall problems are rooted more deeply and will take more than a disappearing act to get over.
Consider what might happen if another attractive girl takes an interest in your boyfriend - will all your feelings of mis-trust return? The chances are that there will always be other people you or your fiance find attractive - it's just life - but it's the way that he relates to these people (how he reacts to them, whether or not he flirts with them, if he undermines his feelings for you by what he says to them) and how you respond to it (becoming paranoid, snooping, blaming the girl) that can make or break your relationship - these are issues you need to work through together and come to an agreement about where your boundaries are.
You may find this article on successful monogamy useful in helping you sort out your priorities for the way forward.
I hope this helps - take care