break up cry

Former Member · August 2006

:banghead:

i dont know if this a rant or a cry or a need of advice but i just need to let this out.

ok so at the end of feburary i broke up with my b/f after 7 yrs together. we had been living to togetehr for 5 yrs and were at the time living together on the other side of the world to where we are from. we broke up on the saturday and on the monday he moved out and moved home to the other side of the world. it was so crazy and hysterical that it is still hard for me to belive it happened.

i wont go into all the rights and wrongs and goings on in our rlship as i dont want to start a novel but enough to say that things had been up and down for years with faults on both sides and i just kept wondering if love was really supposed to be such hard work. one day i just had enough and that was it.

its been 6 months now (hard to believe) and in some ways i have moved on. i have a new flat with fantastic flatmates, go out with friends, and i am even seeing someone new although that is going slowly and is long distance. of course, i still love my ex - i wouldnt have been with him for 7 yrs if i didnt and some times i miss him so much and think abt what could have been and wonder if i made the right decision. i know had to do something because i wasnt happy and i had tried so hard for so long to fix it with no success but i wonder if i gave up to easily or why i gave away somoene who loved me so much.

i talk to him now sometimes on msn and by phone when he asks me to call him. i want to keep contact with him, after 7 yrs it is too weird not to (and we still know each other's friends and family and even have some of each other's belongings etc) but it is so damn hard and nearly always ends in tears. he is so heart broken and he varies from taking this out in anger and saying the whole 7 yrs was a lie by me, i am evil etc etc to mostly just being rly upset and asking me over and over again why i dont want to be with him and why i broke up with him and i just dont have the answers. he says he knows we are meant to be together and i am the one for him and he cant live without me. i hate it so much to see him hurting and he makes me doubt my actions. this morning he said he needed a reason why we arent together otherwise he will kill himself :crying:
and i just dont know what to say. i dont know the reason, i dont know what i am doing with my life, i dont know where i am going, i dont know anything. i feel so unsure of myself and so scared that i am making all the wrong decisions and i am never going to be happy or satisfied with life. this was one of the reasons i broke up with him, he knew he wanted to marry me, get a house, settle down etc and i didnt know anything - we seemed at different points in life.

i dont have the type of family that i can talk to and if i try to talk abt it with friends, they just tell me to stop talking to him and get on with my life but they seem to act like well you broke up thats it now. they dont seem to realise that 7 yrs together doesnt just vanish just like that and you get over it.

well i havent rly asked you guys a question or anything but typing this has calmed me down a little and lessened the tears - maybe any ideas on what i can do to sort out my life?

or really how to deal with my ex and deal with my own feelings about the break up? i dont know, but thanks for listening

Former Member · August 2006

I sorta know how you feel. Sometimes the right thing is the hardest thing to do. I think you should try and move on and who knows what could happen in the future?

I know you said you don't want to break contact with him but a little distance may help. (I know you are other sides of the world

) But I mean with phone calls..I mean, how often do you ring him and how often does he ring you?

It isn't healthy to concentrate on the past so much. You said that you still have some of his things and obviously they are still going to mean a lot to you. I'm just wondering if they're laying out in a really obvious place? They represent happy memories but I think for the time being they're just going to bring you down so maybe putting aside a box for them and keeping them somewhere safe.

Like you said, you are unsure now. That isn't a good basis to get back with him. Also don't let him guilt trip you. I know he's hurting but it isn't fair. He must realise how devestated you are too so what's that going to accomplish other than making you even more upset?

And as for his threat to kill himself. I dont know the entire situation but I know how many times I have said in my head that I've wanted to die. When you're hurting really badly sometimes you say extreme things and it doesn't always mean you're going to do it. You can't be responsible for his actions, as much as he loves you he is still his own person. Don't blame yourself and don't feel guilty.

It would do more bad than good to go back to the relationship out of guilt.

Hope you're okay anyway.

Former Member · August 2006

ok, raceal pretty much said everything i wanted to say, but yeah...distance yourself from him. it may sound harsh, but it will kinda force him to move on and get over you. And chicken...sometimes there are no answers to these questions, just a feeling inside that you cant describe.

Former Member · August 2006

If you don't plan to go together with him anymore you should really tell him all the reasons why you broke up. Tell him the many times you tried to make it work, but always failed. You see, he really wants reasons, many blokes want, me included.

So there are just two options. Come back together with him - which is out of question, or get over him.

He is totally hadicapped in getting a new partner, because of thinking all the day about you, because he knows he can keep contact with you, if he wants.

Give him hard facts why it will never'll be like it was before, and don't let this be a cold-warm story with mixed signals.

I know that my post sounds like Mission: Impossible to you, but keep in mind that - that's my opinion now - it will never end peacefully and friendship like - between you and your ex (in your case). So getting over him, might be a real agony at first, but sometimes you really have to force yourself.

I am sorry that it just does not work out for you, but as you might notice in my post: I had to 'get over' someone as well, to make it work for me again.

m.

Former Member · August 2006

For the record, yes, love is hard work

Former Member · August 2006

thanks so much for the replies so far. it feels really nice to have someone listen (well read in this case

)

i have put all his stuff in a bag and i dont have many photos of the two of us or things like that around. i try not to go places we went together too much either but thats tricky when its day to day stuff like the supermarket which makes me miss him. i dont call him unless he asks but if he asks i cant say no. i say hi if i see him on msn which is probably a couple times a week.

Like you said, you are unsure now. That isn't a good basis to get back with him. Also don't let him guilt trip you. I know he's hurting but it isn't fair. He must realise how devestated you are too so what's that going to accomplish other than making you even more upset?

i do know this but it is still really upsetting and i end up feeling that if he is this heartbroken then he must really love me and does that mean we should be together or does it just make me wonder why he didnt show it when he was with me :S

And chicken...sometimes there are no answers to these questions, just a feeling inside that you cant describe

thanks for that, that does sum it up and nice to hear someone else understands that there arent answers to everything.

thanks for your support - maybe i am just an emotional wreck today - made me cry all over again reading your replies

**helen** · August 2006

Aww hugs xx

intrepide wrote:

i know had to do something because i wasnt happy and i had tried so hard for so long to fix it with no success.

It's really important that you remember this - you did your best to work on the relationship, but the fact it didn't work out doesn't make you a failure - it simply means you weren't right for each other in the long run. Other people will love you - and just as much and you deserve to be as happy as the next person.

intrepide wrote:

it is so damn hard and nearly always ends in tears. he is so heart broken and he varies from taking this out in anger and saying the whole 7 yrs was a lie by me, i am evil etc etc to mostly just being rly upset and asking me over and over again why i dont want to be with him and why i broke up with him and i just dont have the answers. he says he knows we are meant to be together and i am the one for him and he cant live without me. i hate it so much to see him hurting and he makes me doubt my actions. this morning he said he needed a reason why we arent together otherwise he will kill himself :crying:

Your ex is obviously going through a really tough time, as are you, but he needs to realise that he can survive and be happy without you, as you can him. Therefore, I have to agree that a complete cut of contact will be good for both of you. Perhaps send him an email letting him know that you will always care about him, but you both need space for you wounds to heal and for new lives to be built.

intrepide wrote:

and i just dont know what to say. i dont know the reason, i dont know what i am doing with my life, i dont know where i am going, i dont know anything. i feel so unsure of myself and so scared that i am making all the wrong decisions and i am never going to be happy or satisfied with life. this was one of the reasons i broke up with him, he knew he wanted to marry me, get a house, settle down etc and i didnt know anything - we seemed at different points in life.

Again, this will be easier if you think about your own needs - while you are trying to balance the past and the present it's unlikely that you will be able to find a way out of the limbo you're describing.

I hope this helps - feel free to come and rant whenever you like - we're always here for you

Former Member · August 2006

sometimes you just have to do what you have to do.
You cant kid yourself you love someone if you dont -you really cant. It doesnt mean it was a lie, it just means the train came to the end of the tracks. Its hard for both of you.
I also recommend cutting off contact, at least for a good while.

Former Member · August 2006

helen's suggestion of an email was good. just explain to him that he's hurting you, and you feel you both need to move on. dont worry about being emotional, its only natural.

Former Member · August 2006

ok.. so i emailed him as suggested. i just said that although i would like to be friends, the conversations we were having were not friendly, just upsetting and if thats what they were goint to be like then maybe it was better not to have contact for a little while.

he emailed back and said sorry for upsetting me and he doesnt want to hurt me but he knows we love each other and we should be together and he cant understand why i dont want him and do i think he is a bad person etc etc. he kinda agreed to the no contact thing but said before that he wants to talk to me 'for one last time' and he is gonna call me on sunday. he said on sunday he wants answers and he wants to know why i dont want him etc...

i really really really dont want to do that phonecall

i was thinking about it last night and i was very honest with myself and think that although 95% of me wants us to move on (hopefully with being friends eventually) - there is this other part of me that wants to keep the link, not only because it is weird to not have it after so long but also in case i find i have made the wrong decision :eek2: but i know that isnt fair on either of us *sigh*

well thanks again and i'll let you know how the phonecall from hell goes on sunday :nervous:

Former Member · August 2006

if you really dont want to do the phone call, email him and tell him that you dont want to speak to him, end of! it sound slike he's really pressuring you for answers and for contact. tell him in the email clearly, you do not know the answers, its just a feeling+if you do suddenyl realise them in the future, then you'll let him know, but until then its you that will contact him, if YOU want to!

Former Member · August 2006

SuzyCreamcheese wrote:

sometimes you just have to do what you have to do.
You cant kid yourself you love someone if you dont -you really cant. It doesnt mean it was a lie, it just means the train came to the end of the tracks. Its hard for both of you.
I also recommend cutting off contact, at least for a good while.

:yes: every time my ex texts me, and she only says 'hi, thinking of you, hope you're ok' it makes me think she still loves me and the good times were so good why would i want to break up? But then, think of a few good times, 4 or 5. And then afterwards, think of a realllly bad time. I just imagine her kissing and having sex with the other guy. Then suddenly I don't want her back, but I do feel rotten.

When I feel best is when I'm with another girl

. Not like that, but I've got a female friend who I'm quite close to and am 'training' her to give me cuddles haha. We were only together two years but it's still a shock to the system, but having time to do my own thing is helping a lot, I need space from her because I still love her but I can't live my own life thinking about her all the time.

hope things pull through for you *hugs* its a tough time for anyone to go through

Former Member · August 2006

just got off the phone with him now. it was really tough and lots and lots of crying on my part :crying:

he just kept asking over again why we arent together and why wont i get back with him and i dont know what to say. he was saying we love each other and we had so many good times over 7 years and we were best friends with so many common interests and he would do anything at all if it meant we could be together. everytime i reminded him of something that was wrong with the relationship, he came back with how he would work on it now but i just kept asking why would it work now when you never worked on it before.
it was so hard because i just kept wondering what if he is right, what if we are meant to be together and i am throwing away my soulmate (as he put it). but then again, when he would mention coming back to live here to make it work, i would think i dont want him here, i have a new life (or the beginnings of one) here now and i want to see where this one takes me.

as for cutting off contact, when it came to discussing that, he was actually agreeing to it (although he was like if we cut off now, thats it, i forget you forever

) and i found it was me who had the hardest time with it. it just makes it so final. and we've been talking to each other sharing whats happening in our lives for so long, it is so hard not to have him there to do that with :crying:
we agreed that we wont contact each other now for at least a few months. he is moving to australia in a couple months so we agreed that when he is settled in there, he would email me and let me know how he is getting on then we can see from there if we wanna have contact again.

I dont know how I feel now. the whole thing made me feel so unsure of myself. he said i am gonna look back from the future and realise what a big mistake i made, and i wonder if i will. but i do know if i never took this chance, i wouldnt have known, and looking back from the future regretting that i never took a chance and just 'settled' would maybe be worse. i dont know :crying: why is life so goddamn difficult? i really wish sometimes that there was some handbook to let me know what to do and where to go next.

well i think i'm gonna go watch a sad movie and cry a lot.....

Former Member · August 2006

This will haunt you forever if you can't distance yourself from the immediate feelings and associations you make with him.

sometimes we have to be cruel to be kind. You dumped him, end of story. In every life there are countless spots where you have to take a path and neglect others. You don't know what will come on these paths, but you sure as hell are not going to come any further if you walk back to the fork again and take the other path.... errrr not so sure, lets go back and take the other path again.... ummm, mixed feelings.... Head straight up and forward, soon this certain fork of paths will be forgotten.

there ain't one single Mr. Right out there. A lot fit to you, a fewer ones fit better, and a tiny little fit to you like no other, but as long as you drag your past with you, you won't be fullfilled in new relationships.

Not only are you torturing you, but you are torturing him.

break up cry

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