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how would one go about...
Former Member
Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
trying to stop feeling like they are not good enough for their boyfriend / girlfriend?
is it a good idea to tell him that i feel im not good enough, or is that a bad idea?
is it a good idea to tell him that i feel im not good enough, or is that a bad idea?
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Boy knows I think he's too good for me, but then he thinks that I'm too good for him, so it's a bit...I dunno.
i dont know whether to keep my low self esteem problems to myself, to avoid the possibility of them being used against me in the future. If i talk about them they may seem more real and cause more of a problem?
Or whether to let it all out and see if he can help. But then i wonder, how can he actually help the things that go on in my head?
I think he's quickly learning how little i think of myself and thats making me feel worse about the whole thing- he's too good to be with someone who hates nearly everything about herself and is restricted in what she does because of it. Its his choice to be with me, yes, but i dont want him to have any hassle that he wouldnt get if he wasnt with me.
I really think you should talk it over with him, he probably already knows like you said.
Give him the chance to help break the cycle for you, he'll soon be able to spot it when you are feeling crappy about yourself in certain situations and tell you that you are being silly. You should be with someone who makes you feel great about yourself and gives you more self confidence, but you need to give him the chance.
I find it really hard to be open with people so I know it isnt easy...
Good luck and let us know how it goes.
Even if he assures you how important you are you won't believe him, so you won't get anything out of telling him in terms of self-esteem. He won't fix your self-esteem issues- only you can do that. But if you are open he will understand why you are upset and cold sometimes, which is very important in a relationship.
I agree that only you can fix your self-esteem issues but imo anyway, its the constant negative things you tell yourself that adds to the low self-esteem, having someone around you challenging that by saying positive things can make you feel better about yourself.
Thats only my opinion though.
ive upset him by being "cold and distant" as you well put it kermit, so i guess its time i told him why.
I just dont know how to fix it, and stop feeling so crap about myself. Other people manage to like themselves so why cant I
I suppose you could even try listing some of the negative things about your boyfriend to even things out.
Everyone has good and bad qualities. You just need think about both of them in your head, not concentrate on the bad.
It really helps to lift my mood, but alas, it doesn't always work.
That might not make sense when someone else reads it. It made sense when I typed it
If he was too good for you, he wouldn't be with you. If you tell him "you are too good for me" (without doing some serious shit), you might be hurting him, because he feels misunderstood.
While being humble is a beautiful thing, constantly being it, is straining and exhausting.
/edit:
by the way, if he likes a feature on you, which you don't like, don't assume he's lying just to make you happy. I had that in the past and it's just as unnerving as if someone does not believe you you have been at [certain pub] at [this and that day to this and that time].
"Stop that, I feel so unpretty/fat/whatever."
"but you are not, I think..."
"STOP LYING JUST TO MAKE ME FEEL BETTER"
*HEAD AS PLODES!!*
oh no, dont worry, i'd never accuse him of lying. But deep inside my head i'll be knowing that its not true.
I do believe that he really likes me, its obvious. But i still dont feel like im good enough. I cant give fully what i am. Hard to explain....but my real personality is in my head, and the things i like to do. But alot of them i cant reveal, or do because of feeling crap and self concious. I just think he could do alot better, get a girlfriend thats less of a nut and will actually do these things rather than over-analyzing
You know IT'S TRUE, because every boy would say so if you'd ask him about a certain feature of you. It's just that you don't like the feature YOURSELF (on yourself! d'oh).
It's similar to a picture. you think it's ugly, all your other friends like it. No.. it's not, forget the picture...
I am self-conscious myself, who isn't, but I believe at least people who tell me this and that and give reasons for it. If it wasn't for few girls who told me (without asking them of course), I'd still think I am buttugly. Now I consider myself around average. If someone says something about you, accept it as true, and don't say to yourself "ohmigosh, he does not know me, otherwise he would, yadda yadda."
Usually I don't hike behind girls telling them they are nice or good-looking, or helpful, because - like I said up there - it's stupid to tell them the same over and over again and they think you make it up. It's like being in custody at te police station and they let you testify the whole thing over and over again, not believing a word.
fuck that, I give up. Consider councelling.
Is there a particular reason why, or is it just a general feeling?
I had absolutley no self esteem about my personality or looks either. It took people shouting at me, literally, for me to even try and look at myself in a better light. I'm getting better at it slowly, I've kinda accepted that I'm a good person and I can even list my good points if I try hard enough. So it does happen but it takes awhile.
I know that you're boyfriend can't help you suddenly turn confident but he will be able to offer you support and try and help you.
For what it's worth, there is absolutley nothing wrong with you.
I guess the reason i dont like myself is because who i really am is rarely, if ever seen.
In my head im a really friendly person, and i love to have a good old chin wag, but in reality theres something stopping me from being warm and open with new people, or making conversation. I find it SO difficult that i normally just sit and be quiet, trying to go un-noticed rather than making a fool out of myself. But people do notice me still- they just jump to the conclusion that im moody or un-friendly, which i am neither, im normally quite happy even if i am sat being quiet. I dont want him to have to be the man with the "moody and un-friendly" girlfriend! Even though thats not me.
Then theres the way i deal with my feelings. Others see me as someone who doesnt seem to be bothered by anything, and who never talks about the way i feel. People who i like a lot will never get told because theres some sort of mental block stopping me from doing it.
Inside i feel like im really quite a loud and fun person, when im out i'll want to be jumping around having fun and just not caring what others think, but i feel like i cant be myself and instead i'll just kind of hide in a corner where i'll feel like i can not make a fool out of myself.
And i guess this means that i do think my real personality is good enough for him- because i know who i am really, but he's not seeing any of the real me. He's seeing the restricted me, and the restricted me is not good enough.
Theres probably too much mentally wrong with me to even know where to start with this. I cant feel like im good enough till i start letting the real me out, but i cant let the real me out because theres a huge mental block thats been there for all my life that i can remember.
*sigh*!!
The only thing that's helped me try to loosen up and be myself is trying not to give a fuck what people think. It took me so long, so long, but I just tried being myself and saying to hell with everyone else.
It catches up with me a lot though. I'll sit thinking "Am I being too loud? Are they starting to get annoyed by me?" and I'll clam up again.
To be honest, what I've found is that I'm still the real me a lot of the time. I'm just not conscious of the fact. I mean, I can't be on my guard, limiting myself every second of every day.
I think that being unhappy about the whole thing is a good sign though because you want to start being more yourself. It's just fucking difficult and I don't really know what to advise except: go for it.
Even if it takes awhile, even if you only manage it once just adopt the 'fuck everyone' attitude. It's really shit but you've kinda just got to force yourself and not be frustrated if you don't quite get there. I'm sounding like some earnest kid's tv show but the more you try it, the easier it'll get.
Best of luck.
I still find times that I think I am not good enough for 'im indoors. But then I think that he wouldn't be with me if he didn't want to.
It's about building up your self esteem to realise that you *are* good enough.
How did u do it? I'll be sat with him sometimes, or out with a group of people, and i'll know what i want to do, but i wont be able to do it? Its strange, its as if i'll try so hard to be what i really am but theres something stopping me at the moment im about to do it. Ive been trying to let go for so long but its not as easy as it sounds! Even with hideous amounts of alcohol im still clammed up.
I am on guard every second that im not alone, even with family. The only time im my true self is when im alone
Im definitly going to try more, but i dont feel like im getting anywhere, i cant seem to break my initial barrier in order to practice breaking it more often!
thanks for the advice
Sometimes when I am meeting up with a friend (I see more often, like I meet up with her, to go to her workplace making something inane, just so I give her company), we sit in the tramway and I just look out of the window and don't speak for 5 minutes or something. I mean, she always keeps up the conversation, but I have no problem at all being silent and thinking by myself (and GOD do I think a lot.). This is no awkward silence for me. I just don't feel like I have to babble on and on and on.
this is probably the reason why I can't get a girlfriend. I think you can sum it up like that: I want a g/f, but I don't want all the 'work' getting to know one. With being silent, by yourself, or just with friends you are not going to get one.
I mean I go out and party, dance, be the peer entertainer, but there is nothing wrong with being a by-himself-person.
I started a new job and just decided to go for it. The people didn't know me, they had no preconceptions as to what I was like, so I just did it.
I knew that the real me was an ok person who people would like, so I just took the risk. And it turned out ok.
It'll be so much harder to do it with friends. At least, to begin with. With strangers...the stakes are a bit lower. If you know that you're a good person deep down, you've got nothing to lose.
looks like i could be going a similar way. Im moving away next week to start a new life, only know 3 people there and i need to look for a job too.
Im hoping that the new job will be a good oppurtunity to meet some new friends, and hopefully i wont hold back the real me
You (or, I, at least) need to feel that you can tell your signifigant other everything, that they will accept everything about you... or else there's no point for either of you. It sounds as though he treats you well and you actually are very happy in his company and in the relationship -- so what is the exact problem? Are you worried that if you open up to him completely that he won't like what he sees/hears/finds out? Because he's with you for a reason, and obviously willing to stick at it if it's as much of an issue as it seems. Like someone said earlier I don't think telling him that you don't feel good enough is a great idea -- on the surface that would probably sound like it'd equate to immediate "ego boost" but in reality I think it'd make a lot of people in relationships feel very confused and probably quite sad that their partner's self-worth was so lacking... and also maybe take it as commentary on their judgement in that they don't know what they're looking for and you don't think you're wonderfully suited etc. I don't know, I could be reading into this in completely the wrong way so I won't ramble on... but I have felt like this in the past and overcome it. I suppose I do feel like this in some small way with my boyfriend now; but I keep it zipped because I know he'd hate to hear me talking about myself in such negative terms.
As for the social issue in a more general sense, you need to force yourself to make the effort as Infinite has been saying. Not to say you have to make yourself life and soul at your next evening out... but make yourself do small things that you wouldn't usually dream of, like striking up a conversation about someone's shoes or bag or eyeshadow or trainers or anything. It'll show the person that you're interested in them and paying attention to them rather than just hanging around them because of a mutual friend or boyfriend. Any vaguely friendly person would be immensely flattered and more than likely take the bait to start up a conversation. Once you've been voluntarily included in a group and their conversation then you'll feel much more relaxed... rather than being shoehorned into a social dynamic as someone's friend or girlfriend and then everyone having to scrabble about in their brains for random bits of small talk. If you see what I mean.
I think a move and a change will be good for you, especially since you're looking at it in such a positive light. I hope it works out well for you, you seem like a great person who was obviously at the back of the queue when ego and self-confidence were given out (no bad thing, well the first one anyway
Im getting myself all confused here, theres so many issues getting jumbled together. Its like one big package of self restraint Its not something i'd natrually say to him anyway. So its unlikely that i would have dared tell him even if people on here did think it would be the right thing to do. I just dont know how to explain myself to him really, i dont want him to think that im not very into him because i really am, but at the same time i cant talk about my feelings because of this mental block, and this is another way where i think im not good enough. He's ace and he deserves to be told how i feel
i totally get what you mean, and i do try, i guess i find it hard when out with his friends because everyone knows eachother apart from me. I feel like they're going to be
thanks, i will have to see how it goes.
Sorry about the long reply!
um ok :eek2:
congratulations
I would go with what kermit says - it is an issue that he can't really help you with, just because you'll deny the things he says. I think you should share because yes it will help and he'll be more understanding of why you have the blues. To be honest I would take him on his word when he is nice about you i.e. your looks, how he's attracted to you, that you are good enough for you. Mainly because I've had about 2 boyfriends who have readily voiced improvements on me i.e. "well your boobs are quite small, I would prefer you with larger ones." (and this one was a fab contradiction) "I think you need to put on some weight, get some curves" (talking about someone else) "I don't like curves, they just make girls look chubby".
I think the only downfall would be if you were to keep voicing how inferior you feel, because he obviously doesn't feel that way and so he will tire and grow irritated if he's having to reassure you everyday of the things he already knows and wished you'd get it through your head that the things you let yourself get insecure about aren't issues to him. He obviously feels your what he wants, bide letting the 'I'm not good enough' cloud the relationship, appreciate the fact that in his eyes your perfectly good enough, else he wouldn't be bothering with a relationship. Don't dwell on something that could affect your relationship when it really needn't.
I had the same problem as you (and to some extent, i do still have it) In my secondary school i was considered the loser because i was quiet and liked o read and admittedly i didn't go out much in year seven. Unfortunately because they had that preconception of me from age 11, when i got to 15/16 and ended up with a better social life than a lot of them, they still thought of me as that same person, so i couldn't be the person i had become, cos i just had people going "what are you doing?"
So for sixth form i changed schools and decided to be myself, or as much myself as i could be without going ott, and it seemed to work. I feel a lot better about my life now.
I really hope it works out for you.:wave:
A xxx
Try building up self-confidence in yourself by listing good things about yourself, and stuff like that.