What is the point in having a Father?

Former Member · April 2001

First of all could someone please tell me what a fathers job/duty is to his child? The father fucks his girlfriend, makes her pregnant and doesn't help with the upbringing of the child. Or does very little.

My mother and father got divorced when I was only one year old so I was unaware what was going on around me. They were divorced due to my fathers extremely violent nature towards my mum. My mum had countless protection orders against him.

My mum never prevented me from seeing my father despite everything he did to her because it wasn't fair on me not seeing him.

I kept seeing him on a Friday night for years and I idolised him. I loved him so much. Then one night while I was sleeping at my fathers house my dad went around to my mums house, kicked the door in and cut my mums 'then' boyfriend on the neck with a knife and trashed my room. Throwing all my things out of the window.

I was totally unaware of all this when a policewoman came to pick me up and took me to my mums friends house... My mum still let me see my father.

Then when I was about 7 my father turned on me and beat me up. I stopped seeing him after that for a few years... I forgave him and got back in touch with him. Guess what? he let me down yet again and left me on a street corner waiting for him to pick me up.

I've waffled on long enough now and I'll get to the point. Today my mum got a letter from the magistraes court about maintenence. Basically my father doesn't want to pay the £2 a week maintenence and is taking my mum to court to fight for it. Yes you heard me right. £2. I'm sure he could find £2 from somewhere.

My mum is saying she's not going to court cause she is scared to see him. I want to see him and thank him for being such a great father and being there for me when I've really needed him lol

I keep going on at my mum to go to court and let me come with her but she's scared and I can't blame her but I really want to get a few things off my chest with my father. I wont lose my temper or get violent with him. I just want to know why he's doing this to me? I'm I such a crap son? What did I ever do?

Should I respect what my mum wants and forget about my father?

Anyway sorry for all this crap but I needed to get it all off my chest. No need to reply.

Former Member · April 2001

Its so good to feel wanted <IMG alt="image" SRC="http://www.thesite.org/ubb/smile.gif">

Former Member · April 2001

personally i think that if u feel really strongly about asking ur father these questions then do so. i think u should try and explain 2ur mum y u feel u need 2 do this and how u feel about it.

im sorry about the way ur dad has been i cant say i can relate 2 u cos i have never had 2 go thru it. my dad has always been around ive always kinda thought wot it would be like not 2 have a dad but i guess unless ugo thru it then u cant even imagine wot its like.

i feel really against lads who dont stand up 2 the responsibilites of being a father, i mean they r willing 2 have sex with the girl and maybe not use anything but when it comes to the consiquences they dont wanna know.

really gets to me that 1

Former Member · April 2001

{{{{{{Freak On A Leash}}}}}}}
welcome to the site <IMG alt="image" SRC="http://www.thesite.org/ubb/smile.gif"> I hope you find this place a welcome home to get away and vent the stresses of life.

I'm sorry to hear you're having a troubled time of it right now. You are dealing with some very painful issues, and rightly so have some more than reasonable questions to help you address your issues. I myself have been there myself, I was given up for adoption at birth and have always known, I have also been in situations of abuse & bullying and serious clinical depression of which I can't help but ask did this happen because I wasn't wanted, and why wasn't I wanted. The sort of questions you are asking are those of abandonment and are perfectly natural. Have you received any councelling or therapy to help you address these issues, that may help if not, I would suggest speaking to your gp.

I hope you are able to find the peace you deserve, and if there is anything we can do to help, you now know where we are, take care F-O-A-L

Luk

I think it's because I'm clumsy
I try not to talk to loud
I think it's because I'm crazy
I try not to act to proud

Former Member · April 2001

Reading your post has made me so angry, not a u ofcourse but at your sad excuse for a father (Im really sorry to insult your dad like that when I dont even no him and afterall he is your dad). I dont have much right in saying that about him but from wat I can see Im not wrong in saying it. The reason it makes me so mad is because I have just had a little boy two months ago and his father couldnt give a crap. Seeing how badly your fathers behaviour has effected you makes me so sad that Liam will be feeling similar about his father when he grows up. Liams dad hasnt given any maintenence either or even so much as brought him a card when he was born, and it makes me sick. How can people not want to do that for their own child. I find it so hard to understand now I have a child of my own. How can people abuse and neglet their own children????? Their r some real arseholes out there arnt there!
Sorry for venting my anger in your post, Ive had a few issues lately and its just come out here. I hope that u can in time forget wat your father has been like and not let him ruin the rest of your life. It sounds like u have a great mum though.

Girl-From-Mars · April 2001

((((((((((((((((((((F-O-A-L))))))))))))))))))))

your father has treated you REALLY badly. you really shouldnt be blaming yourself for ANY of it, it is never the child's fault when a parent or adult treats them like shit like your father has done to you. but i can understand, its just human nature to ask "is it my fault?"... i know i do whenever anything happens, you cant help wondering "what if.." and going through all possible situations where you could have acted differently to prevent something happening.

i think its disgusting when a bloke acts in this way, just going about having unprotected sex (dont know if that happened, im not judging..) or taking advantage of someonoe, then just not caring about the consequences. your mum did the right thing in divorcing your father from what i can tell, no one should ever stand for being abused in any way.

i get the feeling you think your mum SHOULD have prevented you from seeing your father after everything he did to the both of you. i think she was just doing her best to be a good mother, letting you make up your own mind about him and allowing you to have a father rather than just pretending he never existed. i can see both sides.. i mean if she never let you see him you'd be asking questions, saying why didnt you have a dad when all the other kids in school did, could you see him, what was he like, etc. and you might end up resenting your mother for restricting access to him. however in hindsight you might have rather she do this, to spare you the trauma he's put you through. but im sure she just had your best interests at heart, and no one can change the past even if they want to.

your father sounds like a total shit to be honest. that is so unbelievable of him to refuse even paying £2. he owes you so much more, i mean £2 isnt gonna mend anything but its like the final insult to just not bother with that. i think your mum should take him to court, he cant hurt her if you're with her, and she has someone with her, lawyer, maybe a family member or friend.

if your mum doesnt want to be present in court, would she have to be? could she issue a written statement or something instead and somehow be allowed not to be present and just have her written testimony to present in court? that might help i suppose.

if you went about it in a tactful way, do you think you could see your father without hurting your mum, maybe expalin that you want to confront him about his past behaviour and ask why he did it. like i said before, none of it's your fault. how could a 1 year old cause a divorce? and how could it possibly be your fault the way he traeted your mum and her boyfriend and even you in the past? its not, none of it is. but i guess its just a natural response to the situation to think that.

i agree with what luka said, maybe some counselling would help address the fear of abandonment and help you to realise that not everyone is like your dad, some people do care for you and want to be around you and arent going to treat you like shit and leave you like he did. maybe counselling could help you to come to terms with it all and then you might not feel the need to talk to your dad, well the counselling might dissipate your anger at least and help you understand exactly what you want to ask your dad and how you can ask it without causing an argument and without hurting yourself further. and prepare you for the possible answers.

do you have anyone else that you can talk to who is close to you? friends, a girlfriend, another family member, something like that? it might help to have someone there for you to listen to you and to help you through what must be a difficult time for you. and im sure they'd understand what you're going through and how it's affecting you, you just have to let them in.

if you want to chat and have yahoo messenger, my ID is i_am_the_girl_from_mars_2001. you sound like you could do with a friend right now, i havent got any experience with situations like this but hey, i can be a good listener <IMG alt="image" SRC="http://www.thesite.org/ubb/smile.gif">

take care.

Burn baby burn!

Former Member · April 2001

Ive felt exactly the same as you about feelin unwanted and stuff, and wondering why people treat you like this,

You do wonder if your like a really bad person, and especially when your having one of your 'bad' days when u feel like crap and like theres just no point bothering any more, you just think god what the hell did i i ever do to deserve this?

You think its a problem with you dont you, i mean i spent so much time wondering if it was MY fault i got abused and neglected and why i wasnt wanted by certain people, but its not you!! i know its hard to believe cos im the same but i sort of know deep down its true, i see it in other ppls situations but when its personal you dont believe it do you?

I dont know if this is how you feel but i sort of feel like that and get the impression thats how you feel from your post.

Dads r shit! my dad hasnt known about me until about two years ago, he was well chuffed about me @ first n loved me to bits, he used to shower me wiv money n ova stuff which dads shouldnt really give thier kids, hes not exactly the best role model for a dad, i know he loves me, but i can sort of understand what u mean because he has hit me n been a twat with me, and created arguments to benefit himself (too complicated 2 xplain) and didnt bother ringin me for 5 months.

So in a way i can understand, i reckin ur mum should let you go with her, because i think facing ppl can do a lot for you, i had to say so much stuff to my mum about when iw as little b4 i could get on with her because i couldnt move on. I couldnt let go of the past until id said everything i wanted to, and one day when we were on holiday i had a massive row with her and just told her everything i felt about her and how my life had been and the way it had all made me feel, i told her i blamed her for everything and i h8ed her etc etc.....

MY mum cried her eyes out and in a way i enjoyed it cos i wanted her to feel some of the pain i was feeling too, i think the worst thing is when ur feelings get totally dismissed and if my mum would have been la di da about it all i probably would have gone n stayed in me uncles caravan and never spoken to her ever again.

I think its important for you to do stuff like this b4 u can move on in so many different ways. so many problems ppl have all stem from one thing, like this with ur dad and like me and my childhood, and loads of other ppl i know on here and in life, they have all this stuff going on and most of it goes back to the same thing. and thats the 'thing' whatever it may be. like this with ur dad, it will hold u back in so many ways if u let it.

Well i kinda think i said enough now, but good luck and i hope things get sorted out <IMG alt="image" SRC="http://www.thesite.org/ubb/smile.gif"> dont worry if u dont get the effect you want if u do confront your dad cos i think that whatever happens you would benefit from it.

You can choose you friends, but unfortunately you cant choose you family.

Former Member · April 2001

Hi FOAL & welcome to thesite <IMG alt="image" SRC="http://www.thesite.org/ubb/smile.gif">

Sounds like your sperm donor is a mean motherf***er. You have to try & distinguish between the feelings you have towards this man & the real world. It's OK saying "I wish I'd done this" or "what if I hadn't done That" but the truth of the matter is - this guy who impregnated your mother is not your father. He is just a man who slept with your mother however many years ago.

your mother should be congratulated on divorcing your father and getting him out of your collective lives.

Hindsight is a wonderful thing, but alas, we must live our lives forward, never knowing the true consequences of our actions until it may be too late.

In your mother's situation I may well have dome the same thing as she did, allowing you to know your father. How could she know that he would let you down over & over.

Had she been able to see the consequences mybe she would have followed a different route and now you would be resenting her for refusing to allow you to know your father.

IMHO if you have questions to ask your father and things to tell him than it should be done away from the courthouse. From past experience your Mother has every right to fear the repurcussions and how would you feel if he turned up to wreak his revenge.

She is in a very difficult situation, as of course you are, but why risk more pain. What benefit would that do?

Can you get his address so that you could perhaps write to him? If you can then I suggest you write, telling him that neither of you need his paltry £2 and you're ertainly not going to waste a perfectly good day, sittig in court.

Forget him, he's not worth the anguish & your mum sounds like a really good Mum. When you lose the £2, go out with your Mum (just the two of you) and celebrate a new era for you both.

Take care
j9

[This message has been edited by j9j9 (edited 14-04-2001).]

Former Member · April 2001

{{{{{{{{freak on a leash}}}}}}}}}

first of all welcome to thesite <IMG alt="image" SRC="http://www.thesite.org/ubb/smile.gif">

um now.... ur dad. no offense but he sounds like a pretty nasty guy. i wouldn't want to see him if he did that to me in the past. I can understand that ur mum doesn't want to face him in court it would probably be pretty traumatic for her.

IMHO, he sounds like a pretty violent and nasty guy, who perhaps it isn't safe to be around. i think if you would really like to make contact him again, it would be better via telephone, or in a letter where you can really express all of ur emotions and what u are feeling. that way, at least he can't talk back and not let u finish what u want to say. and if he wants to see you agian, he can call u and if he don't, then @ least u know where u stand.

Don't question urself. u werent a bad son, he obviosly has problems of his own that he was just takin out on u and ur mum so dont get urself down bout it.

I hope things get better for you, you will always have support from the poeple at the site.

There's a girl in my mirror
I wonder who she is
Sometimes I think I know her
Sometimes I really wish I did

What is the point in having a Father?

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