If you need urgent support, call 999 or go to your nearest A&E. To contact our Crisis Messenger (open 24/7) text THEMIX to 85258.
Options
Liking a friend as more than just friends.
Former Member
Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
There seems to be a lot of this going on lately, and everyone's giving their advice (usually, "tell them or you'll regret never finding out") which is fine. But I thought it'd be a good idea to start a thread so that everyone could give their ideas on how to broach the subject with them. The dos and don'ts so that you don't make the other person feel uncomfortable, or ruin the friendship if it turns out they don't like you back (I assume that if they do have feelings for you, then you could tell them in any way you could think of, and you'd be successful).
I mean is it better face to face? By text? While drunk? Getting someone else to find out whether they like you first? Not even bothering saying, just making a move? What's everyone's experience of this, because I'm sure that most people here have had to do it, or had it done to them at some point?
And when is best to do it? After they've come out of a relationship? When they're with someone but it's not too serious yet? When everthing seems to be going right for them? When everything seems to be going wrong for them? Before they go on holiday?
Thoughts anyone?
I mean is it better face to face? By text? While drunk? Getting someone else to find out whether they like you first? Not even bothering saying, just making a move? What's everyone's experience of this, because I'm sure that most people here have had to do it, or had it done to them at some point?
And when is best to do it? After they've come out of a relationship? When they're with someone but it's not too serious yet? When everthing seems to be going right for them? When everything seems to be going wrong for them? Before they go on holiday?
Thoughts anyone?
0
Comments
I don't think there's a best universal way of saying it. The best way of saying it depends too much on the context, the history, and the people involved. Everyone is different, and every situation is different. Sometimes its best to say it, and sometimes its best not to. It really depends on what the person needs, what they feel comfortable with, what they are feeling (is it just an attraction, or are you in love?) and how much they are willing to risk.
In very general terms I'd say its best to start by making a move (meaning, trying to send signals, flirt, etc., not necessarily by leaning over and kissing them out of the blue) rather than coming up front and saying it. If it doesn't work you have to ask yourself if it is because the other person isn't interested or is it because maybe you're being too subtle (especially if it's a guy :yes: ). If its the second you might start thinking about being more direct and maybe drop a hint.. or more than a hint if they don't get it.
Summing up - my general advice would be to be as subtle as you can whilst as direct as needed to get the message across.
The drunken approach is one that has proved to help people because you can always use the old blaming it on being drunk... therefore it sort of protects you.. But it can also backfire sometimes so I don't know if that's the wisest advice. Plus, if you truly like the person, you'd like it better if they gave you an answer while being sober, wouldn't you?
If this is happening to you I'm With Stupid, why don't you tell us about it and we'll give you our opinions... like I said, every situation is different.
though here goes:
i always think that if i know the person, or both persons ion pwerson even if just vaguely, then i could probly think about the matter in depth, if i say i know what one person is like then even if its from knowing them from here, then im willing to give it a go
though social sotuations are always complicated, and i think the fancying a friend one is probly one of the wrost ones to both go through and to also read about, also to give advice for
in this situation im taking the easy route out, i dont know the situation, the subtle nuances of you or this girl, or pretty much anything, and even if i did know anything, and she was hot, id probly want her for myself
so just go for it in a way that if it doesnt work out, or you dont pull out a houdini kinda escape from an aborted attempt, it will all still be cool, how you do or go about that, i have no idea, hopefully someone else in this thread will
but thats what id do anyway
hope i made at least some semblance of sense
But surely you wouldn't do this if you knew they were with someone?
I'm usually up front about this (saying that, it did take me 6 months to tell a friend of mine that I fancied him...)
Every bloke I've been out with has previously been a friend, and I've put them moves on each and every one. I've done it face to face everytime - unfortunately I have to admit I've been pissed on each occasion but nevermind - and usually involves less of a revelation of feelings and more me sticking the lips on them. Not exactly suave and debonair but I suppose if it gets me the result I want there's nowt wrong with it...
In terms of when and how are best to go about it, I think it's always a mistake to go for a full and frank confession of feelings from the outset unless you're those kind of people -- which I don't think most are, especially when you're younger. If you're confident that they'll reciprocate then it's probably not that terrible an idea, but often there's no way to be sure whether they'll react positively or negatively. I'd say never start (or try and start) a relationship by blurting out a string of feelings, or asking for their feelings. Start small is my motto; if nothing else at least it means there's less digging to do if it all goes spectacularly wrong.
I do hate to say it, but it's a lot easier for women to steer a man out of the friend zone and into a relationship zone than it is for a man to make a female friend see him in any way other than a pal. Being friends with a woman often means she sees you as a friend and that's it, whereas I think in general blokes are quicker to review the way they see someone they've known for a while. Over the years a few boy-shaped friends of mine have thought they had stronger feelings for me, and I can't say that I've once reciprocated. [As an aside, I think that's a lot more to do with the fact that I prefer to pursue than be pursued... and am almost immediately put off my anyone declaring feelings or even that they fancy me]. It's important to try and judge objectively whether or not they're going to blow you out or reveal that they feel the exact same way. When you're in the haze of crushing on a good friend it's pretty damn difficult to know for sure, which is why the opinions of friends is incredibly important... as long as you can trust them not to blab.
But yeah, in terms of a boy confessing to a girl then I think that it's often the case in such friendships that by the time you think you might want to make a move shes become so used to you just being a friend she doesn't - can't - think of you in any other way. Another thing I found was that because male friends are often so preoccupied with being a "nice guy" there's no opportunity to see the charming, flirty, attractive side... and it's very hard to see any confidence or "x" factor because a boy friend often treads softly softly not wanting to upset the friendship and all the moves they make (even when possibly having discovered their stronger feelings) are cautious and unconfident ones. I'm not saying they should alter their personality or start being a big bastard to the object of their affections; but maybe try and highlight more of their excellent, macho, ideal-boyfriend qualities rather than the sensitive friend. Of course some girls go for (or even prefer) the sensitive type but if it's managed to plant you firmly in the friend zone then it's possibly time to change tack. In terms of a girl telling a boy, well I think if she's got an idea that he likes her then it's pretty much an open playing field. If not so sure then obviously there's a lot of potential for him to run a mile; I do think that sometimes with a boy friend it's best to act rather than talk. But obviously that depends on the individuals involved and of course people's confidence levels!
So basically, I'm listing all the problems and no solution. I think that it's important to strike while the iron's hot -- however you do "strike". The longer a relationship is being fostered as a friendship, the longer one [or both] parties have to focus solely on the friendly, platonic side of things and the harder it becomes to see the other person as anything but your good old mate (who you'd "never see in *that* way... eww" etc). I definitely think telling them face to face is important, if you can hack it; even if the reaction isn't the one you hoped for, at least you're getting to witness that reaction and are able to instigate some damage control. Done over the phone the words are just out there, and I would imagine that to be very uncomfortable. Texting should be outlawed in this kind of scenario; it's something I'd never, never do. I can't imagine anything worse than sending my big secret via SMS and potentially not even getting a reply, or wondering if it had been delivered, or if they had no credit, or if their signal was failing. Nightmarish.
It's such an age-old question, how could there be a short and simple answer...?
I definitely agree with this one, and it applies to e-mails as well... a couple of my friends have tried this method and waiting for the response is hideous.
I guess its plus side is that the other person doesn't have to formulate a response immediately. Having been on the receiving end of a face-to-face revelation that came completely out of the blue, there's something to be said for a bit of time to collect yourself and think of the best way to phrase your response. For this reason I'd like to put forward the idea of doing it over MSN... no worry that they haven't got the message, but not quite as scary as saying it to their face. Someone told me this way (again, it came out of the blue) and it was quite comfortable.
Testing the water before you come right out and say something (by whichever method) could be a good plan. Like bluewisdom said, making a move with some subtle flirting could be very effective if the other person likes you back and reciprocates... but if they don't, you won't know whether that's because they don't like you like that or because they're just not picking up on the hints. And even if they do, there's the possibility that they're just a flirty friend. Worth a try before you say anything, though, if only because it may give the recipient some idea of your feelings before you blurt them out.
I like the idea of getting a mutual friend to find out what the person thinks of you, because - even if the friend asks straight out "Do you fancy X?" - there's much less potential embarrassment for you and the other person than if you say it to their face. And of course there are much subtler ways of doing it. But again with this method there's no guarantee that you'll get your answer from it, because if the person does fancy you he might not want to tell your friend about it. And sometimes a friend can be way off course about what their close friends think - I've had a guy tell me that his friend fancied me a couple of days after I'd (unbeknown to the guy) asked said friend out and been turned down.
As for when is best to do it, as likely as not there's never going to be a great moment, so don't wait around for it... like briggi says, strike while the iron is hot. At least that way you don't spend months wondering what they're thinking, whether their behaviour means they like you. The quicker you find out for sure either way, the easier it'll be to get over them if they don't like you back, or the sooner you can start a relationship if they do!
I always end up doing this...
The thing is with texting & email, it's just easier than saing it facce to face. I hate admitting stuff like this face to face, mainly because of reactions and other stuff.
This may sound odd, but am I the only one who before telling omeone how I feel, thinks about what they think the other person will say?
We used to be better friends but drifted apart. He told me the other night he wished we were friends like then again. We had a little [albeit, semi-drunken] heart-to-heart about this, after which we hugged and held hands for a little bit, longer than is usual really. Later on in the night, he caught my hands and intertwined his fingers in mine. Granted, it was during dancing the 'Rock The Boat'...but in general, he is the most un-tactile person I know. You'd hardly get a hug from him usually.
I could be reading into this way too much. It could be down to heightened senses due to the alcohol...I don't know. What do people think? Is the feeling mutual or am I being too hopeful?
Something was meant to happen between us a year ago but he was afraid of "ruining the friendship". The thing was, the mutual friend had asked me would I get together with him. It wasn't my doing in the first place.
Long, but I apologise. What do we think???
The wedding band on my finger makes me think it was the right thing to do.
He is friends with so many girls so I don't know what to think...he could be the same with each of them, I don't know. He also told me the other night that he'd made a move on one of these girls he knows (who is his friend's ex) the week before, adding "But I was very drunk". I don't know what to think. I know I'm probably taking this nowhere with this post but any more opinions would be appreciated.
Aaaw!
I know, I'm such a romantic.
I actually did "Aaw" out at that, though. Ha! Well done.
If a man tries to be too sensitive and friendly he is just a friend. I basically agree with briggi's essay.
As for him using the 'but I was drunk' excuse, well either he feels guilty for making a move on a friends ex, he was genuinely drunk and just went for any girl that was around (I've been there, though I don't remember it very well), or he's trying to let you know that he isn't really into this other girl (i.e. keeping himself available). But don't read too much into this sort of thing. I'd say you are as sure as you can possibly be without outright asking him, so like I said, go for it.
But don't get totally drunk. Someone I know did this and work up the next morning to find himself engaged!