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small problem
BillieTheBot
Posts: 8,721 Bot
I feel like a bit of a fraud posting in here at the moment since I'm pretty much in full-on SQUEE mode still, but I do have a problem which I'd like some people's perspective on if possible 
The long and short of it is that on Saturday night my fella's best mate cracked onto me and now I feel seriously freaked out. We've been friends for a few years now - I know them all through a girl I worked with - though I didn't see him for a gap of about 18 months while he was off travelling with my now-boyfriend. Anyway, it wasn't in a drunken, leering, chancer kind of way either... he's a bit of a sensitive soul and we all dispersed to different pubs before we went clubbing and he and I went off, sank a few beers and had a chat. Anyway about half an hour into this conversation he started coming out with all this seriously embarassing stuff that I'm not going to repeat here, and needless to say I was completely mortified. I couldn't even use it for ego inflation it was so OTT and came seemingly out of nowhere. Anyway I brushed it all off with great difficulty and we did one as fast as I could possibly get us out of there and to where we were all meeting back up. Later in the night he cornered me again and started giving it all this about how he'd treat me really well and I'm the most fantastic person ever to exist in the history of the world. Both quite drunk at this point, so I told him to chill the fuck out and have a dance. He started crying, which was horrible because then my boyfriend came over and wanted to know what kind of abuse I'd been giving the poor lad. Anyway he (the best friend) left after that and I didn't disclose what the conversation had been about right there and then because I wanted to boogie.
When we got back I told Stephen (my boyfriend) all about it and he had a bit of a "what the fuck?" moment but he didn't really seem to sweat it too much which is probably a good quality but not one I could claim to have in that situation. To quote him, "let's lose our shirts over this, not our heads". So I got back to my parents house next morning and had this email which he'd sent after leaving us the night before:
"they say the truth comes out when your drunk so here
goes.
i think your very very very very attractive and very very
canny. you make me laugh and make me happy when im out
with you. so............ if i was younger or you were older id be after
u like mad. but as im bald, skint and un
attractive i wanted to simply pass on my
admiration for u and your craic in the hopes that you
might return them one day. u r the best. i have
a feeling i may regret this message but i feel the
truth should be known x"
So of course I felt like I'd been kicked in the stomach and to be honest I still do. We're friends, I have never EVER thought about him in that way (never) AND I am seeing his best friend which doesn't seem to have processed through his brain yet. He even sent me a text today asking if I want to go out with him clubbing next week just the two of us and "his treat". I haven't a clue how to handle this... is it going to be possible for me to manoeuvre him back into being my friend or am I just going to have to tell him to fuck off? I don't want to hurt his feelings as he's always been a lovely friend to me... but he's being sly as fuck to his best mate (who isn't stressed about it at all, or at least he's not letting on) and also putting me in a hideous position. What the fuck. I'm trying not to get stressed but when he keeps inviting me round to his house and out and saying really inappropriate things (in every sense of inappropriateness) it's just a wee bit stressful. Any other boyfriend I've had would've probably given him a kicking by now but that's not the way Stephen works and of course that is a GOOD thing. But it would help if he'd actually discuss it with me, rather than being as cool as a cucumber about it.
If anyone has actually trawled through this then I would really appreciate the input. Thanks.
The long and short of it is that on Saturday night my fella's best mate cracked onto me and now I feel seriously freaked out. We've been friends for a few years now - I know them all through a girl I worked with - though I didn't see him for a gap of about 18 months while he was off travelling with my now-boyfriend. Anyway, it wasn't in a drunken, leering, chancer kind of way either... he's a bit of a sensitive soul and we all dispersed to different pubs before we went clubbing and he and I went off, sank a few beers and had a chat. Anyway about half an hour into this conversation he started coming out with all this seriously embarassing stuff that I'm not going to repeat here, and needless to say I was completely mortified. I couldn't even use it for ego inflation it was so OTT and came seemingly out of nowhere. Anyway I brushed it all off with great difficulty and we did one as fast as I could possibly get us out of there and to where we were all meeting back up. Later in the night he cornered me again and started giving it all this about how he'd treat me really well and I'm the most fantastic person ever to exist in the history of the world. Both quite drunk at this point, so I told him to chill the fuck out and have a dance. He started crying, which was horrible because then my boyfriend came over and wanted to know what kind of abuse I'd been giving the poor lad. Anyway he (the best friend) left after that and I didn't disclose what the conversation had been about right there and then because I wanted to boogie.
When we got back I told Stephen (my boyfriend) all about it and he had a bit of a "what the fuck?" moment but he didn't really seem to sweat it too much which is probably a good quality but not one I could claim to have in that situation. To quote him, "let's lose our shirts over this, not our heads". So I got back to my parents house next morning and had this email which he'd sent after leaving us the night before:
"they say the truth comes out when your drunk so here
goes.
i think your very very very very attractive and very very
canny. you make me laugh and make me happy when im out
with you. so............ if i was younger or you were older id be after
u like mad. but as im bald, skint and un
attractive i wanted to simply pass on my
admiration for u and your craic in the hopes that you
might return them one day. u r the best. i have
a feeling i may regret this message but i feel the
truth should be known x"
So of course I felt like I'd been kicked in the stomach and to be honest I still do. We're friends, I have never EVER thought about him in that way (never) AND I am seeing his best friend which doesn't seem to have processed through his brain yet. He even sent me a text today asking if I want to go out with him clubbing next week just the two of us and "his treat". I haven't a clue how to handle this... is it going to be possible for me to manoeuvre him back into being my friend or am I just going to have to tell him to fuck off? I don't want to hurt his feelings as he's always been a lovely friend to me... but he's being sly as fuck to his best mate (who isn't stressed about it at all, or at least he's not letting on) and also putting me in a hideous position. What the fuck. I'm trying not to get stressed but when he keeps inviting me round to his house and out and saying really inappropriate things (in every sense of inappropriateness) it's just a wee bit stressful. Any other boyfriend I've had would've probably given him a kicking by now but that's not the way Stephen works and of course that is a GOOD thing. But it would help if he'd actually discuss it with me, rather than being as cool as a cucumber about it.
If anyone has actually trawled through this then I would really appreciate the input. Thanks.
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Comments
Once he really knows how difficult he is making things, if he's a true friend to either of you, he'll back off. Give him the chance to do that first.
I'm starting to wonder if it'll be possible to shove him back into the friend zone now though, I'm not really sure what's with him but it's pretty rotten craic to be honest.
It's one thing to have Stephen be cool and calm about this, it shows he's mature and appreciates the fact some other males will from time to time fancy his missus- but then from what I read he doesn't seem to care, at all which is a whole other thing...I probably misread you, but that's what I gathered :chin:
Oh, and all you hot girls out there, I guarantee that 99% of the time, that sensetive, caring, single, best-friend type of guy that hangs around with you all the time and would do anything for you, secretly wants to get in you knickers, but doesn't think he has a shot (which he probably doesn't). Seen it so many times before.
Maybe out and out tell him that although you'll gladly be pleasant with him in a social situation, you don't think you can be friends with someone who could put you in that position, and that he should stop contacting you?
Still gives him a chance to backtrack, but hopefully will get across just how awkward he's being?
Or he could just see this other guy as absolutely no threat to his relationship with you at all.
You say you've known these guys for a fair while, but is there a chance that something like this has happened before?
Regardless of whether it has or hasn't, he's probably completely aware that you've no interest in this guy, and perhaps he just doesn't have as much respect for him as was thought and doesn't want to waste his breath telling him to back off. You're the best person to judge his boundaries in all of this.
However it's not fair to leave you to deal with the constant advances, and so Sophia's question about whether Stephen is aware you are so uncomfortable with this is very important. It's probably a good idea to convey this to him as calmly as possible to try and tease out exactly what's going on with their friendship.
I hope you get to the bottom of this very soon!
Take care
Yeah, well I'm trying to play it down a little until I see if I can sort it myself. I don't want to cause problems with them if humanly possible. I wouldn't say he doesn't care about it but I know he'll joke about it until the last possible second, they've been friends for 26 years and the last thing I want to do is stir the shit. As for his reaction, well like I said he found the whole thing a bit weird but then again he was high at the time so I could've told him I was pregnant with baby squid and he'd have probably been cool with it. So I pretty much dropped it after I told him the ins and outs as I didn't want to ruin his night too. I haven't told him the content of the email yet, will do that when I see him tonight I guess and see what he says.
Possibly. I hadn't even thought of that but now I'm wondering. I know you're right about no uncertain terms, I just hate being the bad guy. What a wimp, eh
To be completely honest, I'm giving it all this "I want to stay friends" stuff and thinking about it I'm not really sure if I do now. As you said, kaffrin, I think I could be civilised with him and even have a laugh but I wouldn't ever want to go out for a pint with him alone which I have done in the past without giving it a second's thought. I mean like I said I have never once thought about him in that way. Just.... NO.
The last part of that made me laugh.
But in seriousness I'm not sure that my tongue's sharp enough to deliver a "you don't have a chance and never will" but maybe I can tweak it to something that I could tell him. I feel really shitty though as I don't think he's a bad guy.
As for his and Stephen's relationship (and I've just seen that you've posted something along these lines, **Helen** which I think might be somewhere close to hitting the nail on the head), I think there's been a fair bit of nicking each other's girlfriends and being twats to each other in the past which they seem to laugh about now. Though I don't know if there's some deep-seated rivalry thing going on. I seriously canNOT imagine them going for the same girls (which is another reason I was so utterly shocked when he started going on the way he did) either. There are a LOT of stories told about things that happened while they were travelling and now I'm starting to wonder if there's something funny going on with this guy and the dynamic between them, though I don't think he's as vindictive as that surely. They've always seemed like best buddies with no ulterior motives or sneakiness, it's weird.
Who'd have thunk that having an admirer would be so creepy and annoying. Jeez.
Thanks for that. I do think you're right about the reason he's not getting worked up over all this (though I would want to think that way, of course). Stephen's got almost a decade on me and I think he's past getting stressed out about this kind of thing and freaking out, which like I said would be exactly what any of my exes would've done without a moment's hesitation. I definitely don't think he thinks his mate is a threat at all, because he just isn't. There's less than zero chance of that happening, and yeah I do think Stephen feels secure enough in the knowledge that he's the person I want to be with. Definitely a good thing, though it would be nice if he was a fraction less secure so I didn't have to deal all the hard blows myself. I have known them for a few years, I don't think I ever noticed any competitiveness but I suppose back then I wasn't really paying very much attention to either of them. Now I'm going to start trying to cast my mind back and drive myself batshit crazy
I am going to have to ask him about their friendship, most definitely. I often just assume that male friendships are the black and white way they seem but maybe that's just not the case... here or in any instance.
:chin:
I don't know. I suppose that could indicate some kind of sneakiness but I think I've just chalked it up in my head to the fact that I see a lot more of him (all of their group of mates) than I did previously. What with them being away for ages and me being elsewhere at Uni.
Or maybe he's just a twat.
hire a dope like me:D
Anyway briggi, What can you do. youve made it clear, but hes still trying it on, so either he doesnt care that youve said no and is gonna keep trying cos he thinks he can wear you down, or I dont know.
Tbh, if my bfs "best mate" came on to me, id think they had no respect for me, my bf or our relationship so I probably would feel less inclined to be nice about it than i would if it was someone other than his mate iyswim.
I agree about male friends, but generally they DO get the message a lot more easily than this guy Neil. He seems to be hell-bent on doing damage of some variety and isn't even being discreet about it, I'm a bit worried about him to be honest.
Anyway it all got a bit dramatic this evening. Stephen and I went to watch a friend's band and of course Neil was there. Stephen had a quiet word in his earhole when we first got there and in response he stomped off to sit with the fellas in the band. Joined us again when they went onstage and asked me to pop outside with him for a minute so he could explain himself/apologise before trying to... well try it on again when I gave him an inch of understanding. Prat. So naturally I got incredibly pissed off and when I obviously went straight and told Stephen about it he did seem to genuinely apologise once again and almost fell apart saying that he's having personal problems at the moment (which I could definitely believe, though it's pretty hard to sympathise) before then doing a complete U-turn and accusing me of giving him signals previously that I was interested. He is very strange indeed and seemingly intent on causing problems where there really aren't any. You're so right about his having no respect for either of us, our relationship or even their friendship. It's very, very out of character for him though... or at least it used to be. I could've throttled him, I think even Mr Unflappable is pretty angry now, too (though he did inadvertently make a good attempt at offending me with his "maybe he's just feeling a bit desperate" comment :yeees: ). I have no idea where this is all going to be honest, and unfortunately Stephen is staying with him until next week so that's all a bit fucked up. Good grief