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Her word against his..
Former Member
Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
This is pretty hard to condense, as theres so many details and different takes on the matter..
I wrote a post a while back about how people had been saying my bf had cheated on me, or tried to force himself on, a mate of mine. It ended up with her saying its all bullshit, and me taking her word for it.
Now recently, my bf and I have been very on-and-off, as I split up with him last weds (because we weren't getting on anymore), and got back with him on Friday, both of us believing we'd make it work.
Yesterday at school, when I'd gone home to revise, my mate, and my bf had a bit of a row. She basically told him he wouldn't be back with me for long, and that she'd tell me how he'd cheated on me several times.
He texted me and told me this, so, feeling a bit of de ja vu, I rang her up and asked what she was going on about. She said that at her party a few months back, he'd made a pass on her and felt her up.
We'd had a couple of minor tiffs that night, and I'd gone to sleep in her room with a group, while he and her slept on a mattress downstairs in a room with loads of my mates. She said that he'd tried to kiss her and grope her, and she'd pushed him away. I came down and slept on the other side of him a little later on, and she says he continued to touch her leg when I was there. Then she said he came up to her house a few days later and tried to stop her telling me. And she went down to his (dad's) house a few times when I wasn't there, and he'd 'offered' to lick her out etc, and she said he said something about me thats quite personal. But he said he'd said it in a convo with her and his mates.
But I knew she'd been talking about it to my mates, so I asked for their stories, and one said that she said he'd fingered her, another said they saw each other for a while but she broke it off. If she'd felt uncomfortable by what he'd attempted, why did she carry on sleeping in the same place? And why would she go down to his house if she didn't want to know?
My bf is denying the whole thing, and he's very upset, saying he's leaving the area and he loves me. I don't know what to think. My mate may be telling the truth, but it doesn't fit. But then she has no reason to lie. So maybe something happened, and she's trying to make herself look innocent.
But my bf isn't the type. He's a very self-conscious guy, he'd never have propositioned her the way he did at his dads. I've tried speaking calmly with him, telling him we can sort things out if he only owned up. But he's adament he has done nothing. He hasn't even tried blaming it on her.
As long as my mate Lisa keeps telling me all these detailed accounts, and he keeps denying everything (which is quite believable - he doesn't seem to be lying), I have no idea what to do.
I'm heartbroken. I want him back but not if he did that. But what if he didn't?
At first I was so embarrassed that everyone had known but me, and then it was total anger and I wanted to duff them both up. I'm really hating Lisa right now. She was in an unhappy relationship at the time aswell. I don't know why she would say this to me.
My mates all believe Lisa's story, and think he's a pig. I just feel sick - in a way, I wish I'd never been told, because I had a great weekend with him, and things were on the up. I love him - I can't believe he'd do this. We've been together 18 months and hes done everything for me.
Can anyone give any advice? How can I find out the truth?
I wrote a post a while back about how people had been saying my bf had cheated on me, or tried to force himself on, a mate of mine. It ended up with her saying its all bullshit, and me taking her word for it.
Now recently, my bf and I have been very on-and-off, as I split up with him last weds (because we weren't getting on anymore), and got back with him on Friday, both of us believing we'd make it work.
Yesterday at school, when I'd gone home to revise, my mate, and my bf had a bit of a row. She basically told him he wouldn't be back with me for long, and that she'd tell me how he'd cheated on me several times.
He texted me and told me this, so, feeling a bit of de ja vu, I rang her up and asked what she was going on about. She said that at her party a few months back, he'd made a pass on her and felt her up.
We'd had a couple of minor tiffs that night, and I'd gone to sleep in her room with a group, while he and her slept on a mattress downstairs in a room with loads of my mates. She said that he'd tried to kiss her and grope her, and she'd pushed him away. I came down and slept on the other side of him a little later on, and she says he continued to touch her leg when I was there. Then she said he came up to her house a few days later and tried to stop her telling me. And she went down to his (dad's) house a few times when I wasn't there, and he'd 'offered' to lick her out etc, and she said he said something about me thats quite personal. But he said he'd said it in a convo with her and his mates.
But I knew she'd been talking about it to my mates, so I asked for their stories, and one said that she said he'd fingered her, another said they saw each other for a while but she broke it off. If she'd felt uncomfortable by what he'd attempted, why did she carry on sleeping in the same place? And why would she go down to his house if she didn't want to know?
My bf is denying the whole thing, and he's very upset, saying he's leaving the area and he loves me. I don't know what to think. My mate may be telling the truth, but it doesn't fit. But then she has no reason to lie. So maybe something happened, and she's trying to make herself look innocent.
But my bf isn't the type. He's a very self-conscious guy, he'd never have propositioned her the way he did at his dads. I've tried speaking calmly with him, telling him we can sort things out if he only owned up. But he's adament he has done nothing. He hasn't even tried blaming it on her.
As long as my mate Lisa keeps telling me all these detailed accounts, and he keeps denying everything (which is quite believable - he doesn't seem to be lying), I have no idea what to do.
I'm heartbroken. I want him back but not if he did that. But what if he didn't?
At first I was so embarrassed that everyone had known but me, and then it was total anger and I wanted to duff them both up. I'm really hating Lisa right now. She was in an unhappy relationship at the time aswell. I don't know why she would say this to me.
My mates all believe Lisa's story, and think he's a pig. I just feel sick - in a way, I wish I'd never been told, because I had a great weekend with him, and things were on the up. I love him - I can't believe he'd do this. We've been together 18 months and hes done everything for me.
Can anyone give any advice? How can I find out the truth?
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Comments
I always trusted a long term bf of mine 100% and always took his work over my friends. It wasn't that I didn't trust or believe what they were telling me but you just get kinda sucked into your own little relationship world if you know what I mean? I now ALWAYS listen to my friends opinions on everything and always take them on board as they have never let me down yet and have always been honest with me. I couldn't see it at the time coz I was blinded by love so to speak.
I think if I was you, as hard as it is going to be, I would put some distance between you and your bf for at least a month. This will give things time to calm down a bit so you can think things through clearly. I did this with a bf for about 2 months and then got back together after and things were great. If you do decide to do this though make it clear that this is not a "go and shag someone else" break and that it is a chance for you both to reflect on your relationship and what you both really want. Wheither what your friends are saying about him cheating on you are true or not I wouldn't think over it too much for the moment and just get some space to think your direction through and if being with him is trully what you want.
Hope this helps love, I sympathise with you
I've told my mate how I don't fully believe her story, and that either she did see him for a while, or nothing happened. She's not the best of mates, but I've known her for a while..
Anyway, I found the old post - here.
And if none of this is true - because he's not admitted after hours of me bluffing and promising forgiveness - then I've really really hurt him.
Urgh this is horrible. I feel so alone in all of it. I want my old Brandy back.
last night i rang them at the same time to compare stories but it didn't get us anywhere.
Theres no smoke without fire.
one of them is lying. Which one do you REALLY think it is - not which one do you WANT to believe.
If she is telling the truth, she should have told me back then, when everyone was talking about them. Instead of shrugging it off as rumours.
Why would she let me carry on with him for another 4 or 5 months, so I find out in the middle of my exams?
Hes always been such a faithful, brilliant bf (we've had some differences, but we've been incredibly close). He's always doted on me (until recent arguments). Its just so hard to believe - he's always been so desperate to keep me and please me, even before this was meant to have happened.
I always thought I was more likely to cheat - I've always worn the trousers in this.
I dont envy you. I hope you manage to find out the truth and I hope youre ok.
I'm kinda dreading school tomorrow. I think I'm going to completely avoid my mates in the morning - they've never liked him. I don't want to hear them slagging him off, thats my business.
I don't know if I could get back with him. If it was with someone I didn't know, or one of his college mates, then maybe. But I have a very low self esteem as it is - to think he went with my mate, its a huge blow. I think this might be a sign for me to stop seeing my old mates, even if I don't get back with him.
are you staying in 6th form or going on to college with any of them?
With friends like that, who needs enemies.
Both me and my best mate liked a guy at our school, but she also liked about 20 different guys. Having cleared it with her several times and making sure she didn't mind, when he left the school I told him I liked him. Even though I had a boyfriend, I started seeing the guy. Slept with him and stayed at his house, and then split up with my boyfriend for him. I was meant to see the guy on the Sunday, waited where we were meeting for 20minutes and then rung him, to be told he was at home house sitting. Understandably I was very very pissed off, and damn well acted like it. On the wednesday myself and my best friend were at Tesco with our group of friends, and she pissed off a friend that really liked her by giving him mixed signals. So we all started going after him, and she followed. Then she turned and went back to Tesco, and the guy I was seeing rang to say he was there. I said I really wanted to turn back but I had a lesson, and went back into school. That night he told me he really liked me and so on, and the next day bitch confessed to kissing him. The thursday night I got him to tell me exactly what went on - phone sex tuesday night, boobs shown on webcam, arranged to meet on wednesay and then he fingered her and went under her top, in the woods opposite my house. All because he thought I wasn't speaking to him.
I decided I still really liked him, and after a really long conversation we agreed to meet the next day, on the basis of being friends and taking everything really slowly. He turned up with flowers and chocolates and I melted. He asked me out officially that day, and we're still together 14 months down the line, although there have been two hiccups where he got scared of commitment. I don't speak to the girl anymore and neither does he, friends don't do that to eachother, never mind best friends. If she liked him that much she should have said.
I don't think that the relationship would've started properly had I not known the full story. I think you need to do everything possible to get it out of them and then take the time to really think about what you want.
He sounds like the better person to me, but I don't know either of them. If she was a friend she should have admitted to him trying it on when the rumours were spreading, or if she did do something she should've come clean/hidden it completely rather than surfacing it all now. And when did it start being any of her business how long you choose to stay with your boyfriend?
Sorry, that ended up longer than I intended.
I just had a very long phone call with my bf and he keeps having a go at me, although I haven't actually done anything wrong in all of this. I've asked him and her to meet me after my exam tomorrow, so I can see how they react to each other. But he started saying he didn't care anymore, because I didn't believe him, so he's not going to help me. Fishy, eh?
So I'm taking Lisa with me to go see him. When they were arguing yesterday, apparently all she could do what shout at him and call him a cheat, but when he asked her for the details about them, she went quiet and looked away.
I'm really upset my bf doesn't want to know me anymore - he's just given up. I can't work out whos lying in all of this, and he hates me for it. Maybe he is guilty, and is trying to get out of our meeting tomorrow. Who knows?
If he's innocent, then he'd understand why your finding it difficult to know who to believe, and he'd actively want to prove himself
Dont be a mug, dont let people lie to you and get away with it. If he's not willing to try to prove himself then he's not worth bothering with.
lost one of my friends a while ago cos his girlfriend tried to force herself on me then lied about it saying i reciprocated after i told him, no idea why but theres people out there like that. Whatever the truth this friend is clearly not a friend but there is still a chance you could work things out with your boyfriend. Maybe hes just getting frustraited he cant say anything or doing anything to make you believe him??
true. but its not as if i'm believing her. i'm trying to back off before i make my judgement. although i said some horrible things to him when she told me, which i now regret.
Bit difficult now, though, because I don't want to split my mates in two.. I don't really expect to be invited out so much with one group, cos they're all buddies with lisa. But I'll be ok.
I'm on good terms with my ex now, but I still get a lot of heartache over what may have happened. Thing is, if Lisa asks me if I'll get back with him, I may well say "Yeh, I can forgive him. It was a one-time mistake and he still wants to be with me. Unless something did happen between you two, eh Lisa?"
See what she says to that. Fact is, she has lied at least once about this whole shebang.
if all your mates go off then they're not real mates tbh
Your 'friends' seem similar to mine. They hate him for no reason and they plot to break us up...
I dont know your friends, but keep that in mind. I agree with what Abbie said. "who needs enemies with friends like that?"
I hope all goes well. *hugs*
Her ex (who she was with at the time it 'happened') is a scary guy, and she's got him and his druggy mates after Brand, but I've told her that if he suffers any intimidation or harm, my mother's getting the police involved. Dunno if that would stop them though.. they're really scummy people.
I reckon him and I are gonna continue talking things over, and eventually get back together. Although I'm still not sure if anything happened, I'm willing to forgive him as if it did.. it's not as if we're getting married or anything..
Think we'll keep it quiet for a while too.. I don't want a lot of hassle for my decision.