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What on earth to do?
Former Member
Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
Ive been with my boyfirend for 2 years. I feel so strongly about him, i know he's the one i want to be with for the rest of my life. Im 23, and hes slighly older, hes 30. The age gap isnt noticed by either of us. My family loves him, i get on well with his family, we've been living together for a year. Basically everything sounds great.
The thing is, i feel rejected. About a month ago,I felt really strongly, like i'd never felt before, and even though I hadnt planned it, i'd been thinking about it loads. So i asked him to marry me...which was met with a laugh, and a no. He said he doesnt beleive in marriage, its not something he wants to do in life, and doesnt mean anything to him. Whereas i want to get married, I see it as romantic, a sign of commitment. His parents have been happily married for 37years so I cant see why he has these views.
Now, all i think about is how i must feel more strongly about him than he does for me, and even though I love him with all my heart, can i spend my life with someone who doesnt want what I want? Why do i feel ready and he doesnt? I know i'll never be propsoed to, never have the experience of marriage. Am i making something out of nothing? I see it in the same way as the issue of having children - a relationship couldnt work if one wants them and the other strongly doesnt for example.
He's told me that in years his opinion could change, but he is stubborn and I dont think he will. Another thing, im a student and he works full time, and he has just bought his own flat. Obviously i couldnt buy with him as i have no earnings currently,but I feel weirdly cut out of his life in this respect, as all his freinds have bought together. I will be paying him rent - paying to live with him almost!
What should I do in this situation?
The thing is, i feel rejected. About a month ago,I felt really strongly, like i'd never felt before, and even though I hadnt planned it, i'd been thinking about it loads. So i asked him to marry me...which was met with a laugh, and a no. He said he doesnt beleive in marriage, its not something he wants to do in life, and doesnt mean anything to him. Whereas i want to get married, I see it as romantic, a sign of commitment. His parents have been happily married for 37years so I cant see why he has these views.
Now, all i think about is how i must feel more strongly about him than he does for me, and even though I love him with all my heart, can i spend my life with someone who doesnt want what I want? Why do i feel ready and he doesnt? I know i'll never be propsoed to, never have the experience of marriage. Am i making something out of nothing? I see it in the same way as the issue of having children - a relationship couldnt work if one wants them and the other strongly doesnt for example.
He's told me that in years his opinion could change, but he is stubborn and I dont think he will. Another thing, im a student and he works full time, and he has just bought his own flat. Obviously i couldnt buy with him as i have no earnings currently,but I feel weirdly cut out of his life in this respect, as all his freinds have bought together. I will be paying him rent - paying to live with him almost!
What should I do in this situation?
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Comments
I think you should talk to him about how he views the relationship and whether he is in it for the long term, and why he wouldn't want to make a commitment in the way of a marriage. For example, do you both want the same things in life - children/careers/travel etc?
I have to agree with this, too. It sounds drastic to say that you may have to consider ending the relationship because of a proposal, but if it's a clear indication of something you didn't previously know (i.e. that he is not interested in marriage) and that you're unhappy with... well, then you at least need to have a serious chat with him about where he sees your relationship heading. You don't have to pin him down to a date for commitment, marriage, kids etc etc. But his saying vague things like "oh, I could change my mind in the future" sound to me like he's hedging his bets with you without actually saying much at all. Bit of a non-statement really, which is fine in itself... but not fine for you if you need more than that. If that makes sense
But you need to know where you stand. It's obviously making you anxious and unhappy and the sooner you clear the air and talk seriously with him about this, the sooner you'll know where you stand.
it's not feeble at all. not all people want to/believe in marriage. what's wrong with that?
why?
by the way you just did.
what question?
http://www.canter-law.co.uk/family/marriageadvantages.htm
You probably need to talk to someone with legal expertise for more details.
someone else said talk to him about how he views the relationship and i think thats the best plan. the fact that you live together and he has just bought somewhere new on his own seems a bit weird. even if you couldnt afford to make a major contribution you can obviously afford something if you are paying rent so if you are living together as a couple why is your name not on the deeds. it isnt about if you can afford as much as him, love shouldnt work like that imo and if you're in it for the long term i dont see what the point in having it just in his name is?
just a thought, good luck x
I think you should have a proper chat about the relationship and where things are going to stand in the future, eg. with children as well. I think if both people in the relationship are happy not to get married and genuinely do not expect it ever to happen (ie. one partner thinking "oh he'll come around eventually") then it is fine. However I do not think you should settle for a state of affairs that you are never going to be truely happy with, and are going to be constantly wondering/hoping that he will make that commitment to you one day.
I have known of so many situations where relationships have ended after years because of similar sorts of issues - two partners wanting and expecting different things and different levels of commitment. I just think you don't want to get into a situation where it gets to 10 years down the line and you suddenly realise that actually this isn't what you want, and it will be more difficult to walk away.
Good luck with whatever you decide *hugs*
If he doesn't want to ever marry you because it's just too serious and binding for him, then I'd say there's a problem. If he just doesn't believe in marriage because that's how he feels, you can and should work around it. He should have a legitimate reason, though, not just a gut feeling. After all, he's thirty years old, so it's time for him to figure out where he stands in life and why.
True love means wanting to be with someone more than anything and that nothing else really matters so long as you're with that someone. If being with him is the most important thing in the world to you, then you should be willing to love him for who he is: someone who loves you with all of his heart but doesn't want to marry you for his own reasons. That said, he needs to do the same and accept and love you for the person you are. If he's willing to let you go because he never wants to get married, then it's not meant to be.
Serious relationships require an equal amount of effort from both parties, and compromise falls in that category. For something as momentous as marriage, it requires total compromise on the part of both. Both of you should be willing to change for the other, and maybe even drastically at that, because the most important thing to the both of you should be preserving the relationship.
That said, I think the whole marriage discussion can be put off until a later time. Time changes things, and people grow within a relationship as time passes. For now, it would probably be nice to see how serious he is, though. Be honest with him about why you even need to ask and see how he handles it. Just remember that compromise is everything and that the relationship must be 50/50 all the way.