Home› Sex & Relationships
If you need urgent support, call 999 or go to your nearest A&E. To contact our Crisis Messenger (open 24/7) text THEMIX to 85258.
Options

lying in a relationship...how far is too far?

Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
in Sex & Relationships
delete

Comments

  • Options
    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Well lets look at the bright side. He isn't back on the drugs, smoking isn't really all that big a deal. I mean, bad breath is the only negative aspect I can see and even then, there's a lot more things to worry about than that. He also eventually was honest with you, a lot of people wouldn't. If you love him then that will override something as trivial as lying about smoking. Good luck.
  • Options
    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    My boyfriend quit for me, then after almost a year he started again as we were going through a rough patch, he didn't lie about it though. Like you I absolutely hate smoking, and always said I'd never date a smoker. He's only a social smoker, never in his house and probably smokes a max of 3 a day.

    I love my boyfriend though, so we've come to the agreement that he wont smoke around me or before he's due to see me. He seems to think I won't notice anything, and that chewing gum will make it all go away, but it doesn't work. Still, I figured I'd be gutted if he tried to make me give up my horse (he doesn't really like horses), and it has to work both ways.

    You'll have to decide how much you like the guy to decide whether its worth sticking it out.
  • Options
    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I think the only thing you can reasonably ask him to do is to not smoke when hes with you. Apart from that it sounds like hes already made a huge lifestyle change for you and you need to maybe work out why you feel the need to control what he does and doesnt do so much.
    If you hadnt already guessed, then obviously he hasnt done it around you and hasnt been smelling or tasting of smoke, so the rest of it is entirely his business.
  • Options
    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    If you don't want to date a smoker why did you start dating him when he was a smoker then? I know he stopped after but why date him in the first place knowing he was a smoker? Smoking is an addiction and it's not easy to stop at all... Specialy when in this case he was not trying to stop cos he wanted but to make you happy... Probably didn't help that he felt pressure by you to stop... It's not nice to be lied to, but he was just smoking and if he didn't had the pressure or the impression that he would lose you if he did he would probably haver never lied to you about it in the first place...
  • Options
    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Aw, I feel really sorry for your boyfriend, for both of you actually. I never knew people like you were real. How strange to say you don't want to date a smoker yet date one all the same and then feel let down that they didn't show enough 'commitment' to you or something to quit. Quite frankly, bizarre. If you don't want to date a smoker, don't.
  • Options
    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    it always surprises me when someone chooses someone and then tries to change them to fit what they want in a partner, rather than choose someone whos got the qualities they want in the first place.

    Do you control his diet when hes not with you also?
  • Options
    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I don't get how people allow themselves to be molded to fit and then have their pastself sneered at, and be expected to recieve this 'saving' with gratitude...
  • Options
    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    my ex started going out with me when i smoked, he tried to make me quit. i tried, but everytime i ended up smoking behind his back because i weren't ready to quit and was only doing it to keep him happy, i know now that lying was the wrong thing to do, but at the time thats all i could do. Since we split, i have quit, but it was my own choice and now i haven't smoked for at least four months. he can't quit unless its his own choice and i wouldn't put too much pressure on him to quit coz it will only result in him keeping it from you again
  • Options
    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    delete
  • Options
    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    delete
  • Options
    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    well i suppose all that it comes down to is

    can you stand him smoking and still be with him? if the answer is no then theres your answer

    he has given up drugs and drinking to be with you but because he smokes he isnt ready for a serious relationship?

    im not trying to excuse the lying but he gave up things that he enjoyed to be with you, maybe thats what you should be thinking about not the smoking

    its his choice you cant force him to stop
  • Options
    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    turlough wrote:
    I mean, bad breath is the only negative aspect I can see.

    Seriously? :confused:
  • Options
    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Museman wrote:
    Seriously? :confused:
    i think he ment the only thing negitive to the relationship
  • Options
    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    melanie wrote:
    i think he ment the only thing negitive to the relationship

    Take your point, but personally I'd take the fact that my partner was doing something which is proven likely to considerably shorten her life as a negative thing. I couldn't handle it either. Horses for courses.
  • Options
    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    delete
  • Options
    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I think you're being a little bit harsh/controlling over the situation. If you loved him as much as you said you did you'd respect his decisions when it comes to trivial things such as smoking.

    I understand that you care about your boyfriends health but you can't really make these decisions for him and I definitely think it's unfair to emotionally blackmail him with threats of breaking up. To be fair, as mentioned before, you said you didn't want to go out with a smoker yet you still did.. what is the point of getting together with someone and then trying to change them? Plus you said you seen past that when you first started going out with him.. so why can't you now?

    I can also understand you're hurt about him lying, but if I expected my girlfriend to act like this over this situation I probably would have done the same.
  • Options
    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    if youd break up with him for that, then youre obviously looking for an excuse.
    it doesnt sound like you love him much.

    Hes a man, not a pet.
  • Options
    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    delete
  • Options
    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I think some of use agreed and stated that the lying part wasn't nice and bad, it just seemed that you were a bit controlling from your posts... we might have been wrong, we are just telling your our opinion on few posts, we obviously do not know how deep your relationship is... I am glad to hear that you love each other very much and that no breakup will occur... If you decide to leave the board for good, I truly wish the both of you to have a long lasting relationship and a lot of happiness...
  • Options
    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    thanks for the few good wishes that were left. :-)
Sign In or Register to comment.