I don't understand...........a bit of a long post, sorry.

Former Member · April 2006

We have recently split up mainly due to the fact he is scared of emotional attachment and intimacy. Ireally want us to get back together but don't know what to do, can anyone give me some advise?

Former Member · April 2006

Did he actually say that he was scared of emotional attachment and intimacy or did you assume he was?

Former Member · April 2006

Don't put too much pressure on him to have a serious relationship? Say you are prepared to take things at his own pace..give him space.

Former Member · April 2006

He actually told me, its really wierd as he was the one wanting the relationship in the first place and introduced me to his mother after 2 weeks of going out. I am very confused as everything was going perfectly, we never even had an arguement

Former Member · April 2006

Is he using it as an excuse because he just doesnt want to go out with you anymore? The amount of times someones broken up and made up an excuse to protect theothers feelings, but then leads the other one on. The worst one: 'im not ready for a relationship'. Easy to say cos you dont have to say to the other one 'i dont like you' but the problem is the other always thinks 'ok, ill wait until you are'. And they probably just dont want the relationship.

Not trying to be cynical though, just the way it works sometimes.

Former Member · April 2006

mystifymysoul wrote:

Don't put too much pressure on him to have a serious relationship? Say you are prepared to take things at his own pace..give him space.

i did try to suggest we go slow and if he wanted to have time alone then that was fine as i know he has a lot on his mind but he said no that it was not fair to either of us.

Former Member · April 2006

I had exactly the same situation a while back. Went out with this girl, was going well, had loads in common, introduced me to her family after two weeks. Then she didn't call me for a while. When I got hold of her, she did the whole "I've had a lot on my mind" thing, then the "I see you more as a friend" thing, and finally the "I'm not really looking for a relationship right now" thing. Difference between me and you is that I was kinda feeling the same way as her so it was fine and we're friends now instead. But I found it funny because after she didn't call me for a while I could predict the next few conversations word for word. I agree with Shy Boy that he's probably just trying to soften the blow a bit so don't get hung up on him. He might eventually realise what he's missing, but don't put pressure on him to get back with you or anything.

Former Member · April 2006

TheShyBoyInTheCorner wrote:

Is he using it as an excuse because he just doesnt want to go out with you anymore? The amount of times someones broken up and made up an excuse to protect theothers feelings, but then leads the other one on. The worst one: 'im not ready for a relationship'. Easy to say cos you dont have to say to the other one 'i dont like you' but the problem is the other always thinks 'ok, ill wait until you are'. And they probably just dont want the relationship.

Not trying to be cynical though, just the way it works sometimes.

He did say part of him wants us to be together but the other part is telling him to run, he still wants us to be friends and he wants to pop over and do things like put up shelves, have dinner and choose tattoos from a few of my books, but perhaps your right................i just really want to be with him.

Former Member · April 2006

Well this sounds awfully familar to something im going through at the minute , just the other way around. It is really hard i have to admit. I know people are going to be saying give them space and time but i know from experience that is really hard.

Just let him know your there to talk. Maybe in the time apart he may realise how much he misses you and how much he wants to see you again. Try not to get so attached as i have done as it will just be harder and harder to let go if all he wants is to be friends.

Good luck

hope it works out for you.

Former Member · April 2006

I'm With Stupid wrote:

I had exactly the same situation a while back. Went out with this girl, was going well, had loads in common, introduced me to her family after two weeks. Then she didn't call me for a while. When I got hold of her, she did the whole "I've had a lot on my mind" thing, then the "I see you more as a friend" thing, and finally the "I'm not really looking for a relationship right now" thing. Difference between me and you is that I was kinda feeling the same way as her so it was fine and we're friends now instead. But I found it funny because after she didn't call me for a while I could predict the next few conversations word for word. I agree with Shy Boy that he's probably just trying to soften the blow a bit so don't get hung up on him. He might eventually realise what he's missing, but don't put pressure on him to get back with you or anything.

Thanks

Former Member · April 2006

tiggerboo wrote:

He did say part of him wants us to be together but the other part is telling him to run, he still wants us to be friends and he wants to pop over and do things like put up shelves, have dinner and choose tattoos from a few of my books, but perhaps your right................i just really want to be with him.

I can't tell you the number of attractive girls I know with a male best friend who "used to" be in love with them (but were usually never actually their boyfriend). Me and that girl can hang out together because neither of us is wanting or expecting something to happen, but I think that if one friend actually still likes the other one, then it's never going to be a proper friendship. You would never be able to be happy for him if he got another girlfriend (especially if he told you he wasn't after a relationship right now). The thing is that he will still want to hang out with you because he doesn't want to hurt you, but it could end up hurting you more if he does end up with someone else. He will probably also enjoy having a girl around who fancies him, so he won't be protesting too much. I'm not saying you have to cut all contact with him or anything, but try and hang out with him in a group rather than one on one and don't stick to his side all the time when you do hang out.

Former Member · April 2006

GoodFella wrote:

Well this sounds awfully familar to something im going through at the minute , just the other way around. It is really hard i have to admit. I know people are going to be saying give them space and time but i know from experience that is really hard.

Just let him know your there to talk. Maybe in the time apart he may realise how much he misses you and how much he wants to see you again. Try not to get so attached as i have done as it will just be harder and harder to let go if all he wants is to be friends.

Good luck hope it works out for you.

Good luck to you too, i will definitely try to give him space. Thanks

Former Member · April 2006

I'm With Stupid wrote:

I can't tell you the number of attractive girls I know with a male best friend who "used to" be in love with them (but were usually never actually their boyfriend). Me and that girl can hang out together because neither of us is wanting or expecting something to happen, but I think that if one friend actually still likes the other one, then it's never going to be a proper friendship. You would never be able to be happy for him if he got another girlfriend (especially if he told you he wasn't after a relationship right now). The thing is that he will still want to hang out with you because he doesn't want to hurt you, but it could end up hurting you more if he does end up with someone else. He will probably also enjoy having a girl around who fancies him, so he won't be protesting too much. I'm not saying you have to cut all contact with him or anything, but try and hang out with him in a group rather than one on one and don't stick to his side all the time when you do hang out.

yes i think your probably right.

Former Member · April 2006

when he's around, sit near to him and tell him you are very honoured that he wants to keep you as a friend after the relationship and is really bothered to keep this friendship over water. Tell him that you see him as more as a friend (don't tell him you love him. It's practically the same, but latter creeps more out), and that he could always talk to you about his feelings. Add, that you respect his choice for friendship tho.

This lets him exactly know: She still wants me AND if I want her too, I can just approach her with it.

Back off for a few days and see how this affected him.
The rest is patience.

Former Member · April 2006

StrubbleS wrote:

when he's around, sit near to him and tell him you are very honoured that he wants to keep you as a friend after the relationship and is really bothered to keep this friendship over water. Tell him that you see him as more as a friend (don't tell him you love him. It's practically the same, but latter creeps more out), and that he could always talk to you about his feelings. Add, that you respect his choice for friendship tho.

This lets him exactly know: She still wants me AND if I want her too, I can just approach her with it.

Back off for a few days and see how this affected him.
The rest is patience.

thanks i will see how it goes, i have avoided contacting him since we split, i'm just waiting until he is ready to speak/see me.

I don't understand...........a bit of a long post, sorry.

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