If you need urgent support, call 999 or go to your nearest A&E. To contact our Crisis Messenger (open 24/7) text THEMIX to 85258.
Options
Jokes...
BillieTheBot
Posts: 8,721 Bot
in General Chat
A man died and went to Heaven. As he stood in front of the Pearly Gates, he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him. He asked, "What are all those clocks?"
St. Peter answered
"Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone on earth has a Lie-Clock. Every time you lie the hands on your clock move."
"Oh", said the man. "Whose clock is that?"
"That's Mother Teresa's", replied St. Peter. "The hands have never moved, indicating that she never told a lie."
"Incredible", said the man. "And whose clock is that one?"
St. Peter responded, "That's Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands have moved twice, telling us that Abraham told only two lies in his entire life."
"Where's Bush's clock?" asked the man.
"Bush's clock is in Jesus' office. He's using it as a ceiling fan."
A woman meets a gorgeous man in a bar. They talk, they connect, they end up leaving together.
They get back to his place, and as he shows her around his apartment. She notices that his bedroom is completely packed with sweet cuddly teddy bears.
Hundreds of cute small bears on a shelf all the way along the floor, cuddly medium-sized ones on a shelf a little higher, and huge enormous bears on the top shelf along the wall.
The woman is surprised that this guy would have a collection of teddy bears, especially one that's so extensive, but she decides not to mention this to him, and actually is quite impressed by his sensitive side.
She turns to him... they kiss... and then they rip each other's clothes off and make hot steamy love.
After an intense night of passion with this sensitive guy, they are lying there together in the afterglow, the woman rolls over and asks, smiling:
"Well, how was it?"
The guy reply:
"Help yourself to any prize from the bottom shelf."
St. Peter answered
"Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone on earth has a Lie-Clock. Every time you lie the hands on your clock move."
"Oh", said the man. "Whose clock is that?"
"That's Mother Teresa's", replied St. Peter. "The hands have never moved, indicating that she never told a lie."
"Incredible", said the man. "And whose clock is that one?"
St. Peter responded, "That's Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands have moved twice, telling us that Abraham told only two lies in his entire life."
"Where's Bush's clock?" asked the man.
"Bush's clock is in Jesus' office. He's using it as a ceiling fan."
A woman meets a gorgeous man in a bar. They talk, they connect, they end up leaving together.
They get back to his place, and as he shows her around his apartment. She notices that his bedroom is completely packed with sweet cuddly teddy bears.
Hundreds of cute small bears on a shelf all the way along the floor, cuddly medium-sized ones on a shelf a little higher, and huge enormous bears on the top shelf along the wall.
The woman is surprised that this guy would have a collection of teddy bears, especially one that's so extensive, but she decides not to mention this to him, and actually is quite impressed by his sensitive side.
She turns to him... they kiss... and then they rip each other's clothes off and make hot steamy love.
After an intense night of passion with this sensitive guy, they are lying there together in the afterglow, the woman rolls over and asks, smiling:
"Well, how was it?"
The guy reply:
"Help yourself to any prize from the bottom shelf."
Beep boop. I'm a bot.
0
Comments
Post some in here if you got some
The doctor asked what happened and the man explains: "Well, doc, it's like this: First I tried with my right hand, but, nothing. Then I tried with-my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She - tried with her right hand, with nothing. Then her left, but nothing. She - even tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with the teeth-out, and still nothing. We even called up the lady next door and-she tried with both hands and her mouth too, but nothing."
The doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbor?" the old man replied, "yep, but no matter what we tried we couldn't get the DARN jar open!"
After their baby was born, the panicked father went to see the obstetrician.
"Doctor," the man said
"I don't mind telling you, but I'm a little upset because my daughter has red hair. She can't possibly be mine."
"Nonsense," the doctor said.
"Even though you and your wife both have black hair, one of your ancestors may have contributed red hair to your gene pool."
"It isn't possible," the man insisted.
"This can't be, our families on both sides had jet-black hair for generations."
"Well," said the doctor
"let me ask you this. How often do you have sex?"
The man seemed a bit ashamed.
"I've been working very hard for the past year. We only made love once or twice every few months."
"Well, there you have it!" The doctor said confidently.
"It's rust."
Suliko and Shota fell in love and got married. Soon after Shota discovered he had to leave on a business trip. "Don't worry", he said to his young wife. "I'll be back in three days". Three days passed, then three times 3, 10 times three - and still, no Shota. Suliko got anxious and sent telegrams to 10 reliable friends in 10 different cities. Immediately she received the same answer from all 10 friends:
- Don't worry, Shota is at our place.
So, lets drink to the true friends, who would never let us down when we are in trouble.
- Do you know who Abraham Lincoln was?
- No.
- And who Moshe Dayan was?
- No.
- See, you don't know, but I do. It is because every evening I take classes or go to the museum.
- Well, and do you know who Vasily Ivanov is?
- No. Who is he?
- He's the guy who visits your wife every evening when you are in class or at the museum.
- Ivan, do you know Einstein is coming to Odessa.
- Who is he? Is he a famous pharmacist?
- No, he is a famous physicist. He is the author of the 'Theory of the Relativity".
- What's that?
- Well, how can I explain this...? You see, you have two hairs on your head. Is that a lot or a little?
- A little.
- And now let's imagine you found the same number of hairs in your soup...
- Can it be true? He is coming to Odessa with this stupid joke?
Chukcha bought a refrigerator.
- What do you need this 'fridge for? You live in Siberia.
- To warm up during winter. Imagine the joy - it's -40 outside and +4 in a refrigerator.
Chukcha goes to a store.
- Do you have color TVs?
- Yes.
- All right. I'll take a green one.
A man in a synagogue:
- Rabbi, what should I do? My son has converted to Christianity.
- I don't know, answers the rabbi. Come back tomorrow, and I'll ask advice from God.
The man comes back the next day.
- I can't help you, says the rabbi. God told me he has the same problem.
Two ladies where having lunch together and discussing the merits of Cosmetic Surgery.
The first lady say’s, ” I need to be honest with you, I’m getting a boob job done.”
The second lady say’s, ” Oh that’s nothing! I’m thinking of having my arsehole bleached!”
To which the first lady replies, “Wow………I just can’t picture your husband as a blonde ……”
Several cowboys are out on the range talking about their favorite sex positions.
After listening to the pros and cons of the various ones brought up, one of the cowboys finally says:
"I think I enjoy the rodeo position the best."
"I don't think I have ever heard of that one" says another.
"Neither have I," says a third.
"What is it?"
"Well, it's where you get your girlfriend down on all fours, and you mount her from behind. Then you reach around and cup each one of her breasts in your hands, and you whisper in her ear..
"Boy, these feel just like your sister and then you try to hold on for 8 seconds."
Unfortunately they were going so fast that the car couldn't turn and fell off the road. They hit a tree which fell on the car, trashing half of it, so that the girl could easily open the door and get out but the guy could barely move. They were in the middle of nowhere, far from the nearest city and had no mobiles on them.
The guy said "Please, go and get help. I can't get out!"
"But how? I'm completely naked and I have no clothes!"
After much struggle, the guy managed to take one of his shoes off. "Cover as best as you can with that", he said. "It's all I can do."
So the girl used the shoe to cover her bits and started walking. After a half our or so, she reached a gas station. Quickly she spotted the man working there and went up to him.
"Help!" she said. "My boyfriend is stuck!"
The man took one look at the shoe then said "I'm sorry miss, there's nothing I can do. He's gone too deep!"
It hurt.
A: You know she'll swallow!
"We must know that you will follow your instructions, no matter what the circumstances. Inside this room you will find your wife sitting in a chair. You have to kill her."
The first man said, "You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife."
The agent replies, "Then you're not the right man for this job."
The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about five minutes. Then the agent came out with tears in his eyes. "I tried, but I can't kill my wife."
The agent replies, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home."
Finally, it was the woman's turn. Only she was told to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one shot after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow and said:
"You guys didn't tell me the gun was loaded with blanks. I had to beat him to death with the chair."
John receives a phone call. "Hello," he answers. The voice on the other end says, "This is Susan. We met at a party about 3 months ago."
John: "Hmm... Susan? About 3 months ago?"
Susan: "Yes, it was at Bill's house. After the party you took me home. On the way we parked and got into the back seat. You told me I was a good sport."
John: "Oh, yeah! Susan! How are you?"
Susan: "I'm pregnant and I'm going to kill myself."
John: "Say, you ARE a good sport."
So there was this guy and he was captured by a tribe of natives. They told him that they were going to sacrifice him in three days. But each one of those days he would get one request.
The chief asks him, what is your first request? The man said, I would like to see my horse. So they brought his horse over to him and he whispered into the horses ear. The horse looked at him and went running off into the distance. A few hours later he bruoght back this beautiful blond and they spent the night together.
The next day the chief asks him, what is your second request? The man asked again to see his horse. They brought the horse over and he once again whispered into his ear. The horses ears perk up and he goes running off into the distance. He later brings back an even more beautiful brunette and they spend the night with eachother.
The third day the chief goes to the prisoner and askes him what his final request is. He once again asks to see his horse. The chief brings the horse over and the man grabs the horse by the face. He looks at him deep in the eyes and sternly yells at him, I said get me Possy!
Two friends, a blonde and a redhead, are walking down the street.
They pass a flower shop where the redhead saw her boyfriend buying flowers.
Red sighed and said, “Oh, crap, my boyfriend is buying me flowers again.”
The blonde looked quizzically at her and said, “You don’t like getting flowers from your boyfriend?”
The redhead said, “I love getting flowers, but he always has expectations after giving me flowers, and I just don’t feel like spending the next three days on my back with my legs in the air.”
The blonde says “Don’t you have a vase?”
Q: Why do you have to wrap duct tape around a gerbil?
A: So that it doesn't explode when you sodomize it.
There are three Jewish mothers bragging about their sons. The first one says, "My son is very successful. He is the best lawyer in New York City."
The second one says, "My son has done better than that. He is the best Doctor in New York City."
The third one says, "My son has not done that well. He does not have a very good job, and he is homosexual. But he has these two great boyfriends... One is the best lawyer in New York City, and the other is the best doctor in the city."
Q. What's the definition of Trust?
A. Two cannibals giving each other a blowjob.
The father shouted, "OH MY GOD, WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO OUR CHILD?", to which the doctor replied, "Just kidding it was already dead before."